BREAKING NEWS: Trump decries Seattle-area senior home as "dangerous Antifa no-go zone."
President Donald Trump today spoke out against a SeaTac, Washington nursing home and senior citizen residential community which he claimed was a "breeding ground for radical Antifa terrorists" who were "seeking to destabilize the nation and subvert civil order."
In a press event accompanied by Attorney General William Barr, Trump and Barr described the Comfort Pines Assisted Living Facility as a "hotbed" for "lawless anarchists" who used the confines of the facility, guarded under the watchful protection of a single 52 year-old unarmed doorman named "Frank," to plot "activities meant to promote a ideology based in a deadly mixture of anarchy, Marxism, and idyllic sepia-colored nostalgia."
Attorney General Barr then delved into what he deemed as "intelligence reports" that laid out the details of the purported activities within the facility. Barr claimed that those residents of the facility who were designated for assignments in instigating chaos were chosen through a rather complex process wherein a vast amount of numbered balls were placed within a spinning container. Those balls were chosen at random with the number on the ball then announced to the entire group; the resident who had a card with a sufficient amount of the numbers arranged in a proper linear order was then dispatched out to the public, presumably to monitor police movements and disrupt communications.
Barr also claimed that residents were being fed a large quantity of high sugar, easily digestible foods such as pudding and gelatin, presumably to provide the residents a supercharged energy rush that was necessary to sustain a stealthy sneak bodily attack against uniformed riot police. He also mentioned that a few of the individuals at Comfort Pines had obtained the use of technologically advanced motorized scooters that were capable of reaching speeds up to 5 miles per hour.
"We are very concerned about the capabilities of what has been termed the Hoveround Brigade," Barr said.
However, that was not the most dire allegation made by the Attorney General.
"Our embedded sources have told us that some of the residents have taken to collecting their own feces and urine overnight in special receptacles in their bed," Barr claimed. "We believe they may be doing this for the purposes of creating some sort of crude biological weapon to be used against the public at large."
When asked for what measures he might be consider taking against Comfort Pines, Trump replied that he was "not ruling anything out," but that he was leaning heavily towards calling in the U.S. Army's 1st Armored Division, currently stationed at Fort Bliss.
"They call them 'Old Ironsides,'" said Trump. "Old Ironsides. So if these guys, these Antifa radicals, want 'old,' we'll give them 'old.'"
Details at Eleven.
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You stole his thunder
Well played.
