Trump Offers Stimulus Checks to Anyone Willing to Come to His Next Rally

[Rhiannon12866]

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to avert another debacle like the one at his rally in Tulsa, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that he was offering economic-stimulus checks to anyone willing to come to his next rally, in Arizona.

Displaying a sample check in the Oval Office, Trump said that he hoped eventually to put millions of unemployed Americans back to work as full-time audience members at his rallies.

“The dishonest media are saying that people wouldn’t go to one of my rallies if I paid them,” Trump said. “Well, we’ll see about that.”

Larry Kudlow, Trump’s economic adviser, said that the twelve-hundred-dollar stimulus checks would be paid “in installments, based on how long the recipients actually stay at the rally.”

“If you walk out after the first hour, you only get six hundred,” he said. “You’re really going to have to earn the full twelve hundred.”


Short article, no more at link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-offers-stimulus-checks-to-anyone-willing-to-come-to-his-next-rally



Photograph by Jabin Botsford / The Washington Post / Getty

[Nevilledog]

2. For once I figured out it was satire before looking at the link.

[malaise]

3. To tell you the truth

I wasn't sure

[Nevilledog]

4. I've learned to look at the link before I read.

Saves me from massive blood pressure spikes!

[malaise]

5. I wasn't sure when I read the headline

Hehehehehe

[Nevilledog]

6. Borowitz deserves a raise.

It's gotta be really difficult to come up with satire these days.

[magicarpet]

7. Mnuchin will take care of it,... just use taxpayer money,...

...to reward the Nazi Rally attendees.

[Girard442]

8. I love Borowitz but I wouldn't want to have his job.

Constantly having to come up with stuff more absurd than reality must be a strain.