Trump Refuses to Ramp Up Testing Because of His Hatred of Ramps

[Rhiannon12866]

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is refusing to ramp up testing because of his deep-seated hatred of ramps, White House sources have revealed.

According to several sources, Trump’s enmity toward ramps reached a fever pitch after his notorious visit to West Point, earlier this month, which took any talk at the White House of ramping up anything totally off the table.

Eyewitnesses say that it was shortly after that visit that Jared Kushner, seemingly unaware of Trump’s newly inflamed feud with ramps, suggested in a White House meeting, “Do you think we should ramp up testing?,” only to receive a chilly reply from Trump.

“Never say that word again,” he reportedly snapped.

“Testing?” Kushner asked.

“Ramp, you idiot,” Trump thundered.

While White House staffers have been scrambling in recent days to find synonyms for “ramp up,” including “accelerate,” “increase,” and “do more of,” they have become suddenly aware of other words they must avoid while speaking to Trump, including “drink,” “glass,” and “water.”


Short article, no more at link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-refuses-to-ramp-up-testing-because-of-his-hatred-of-ramps

[smirkymonkey]

1. "Never say that word again," he reportedly snapped.

“Testing?” Kushner asked.

“Ramp, you idiot,” Trump thundered.



OMG, that was one of his better ones! I'm in stitches! Thanks, Rhiannon!

[Rhiannon12866]

2. Thanks!

I thought that was one of his less subtle offerings, but it's got to be getting tougher to come up with satire by the day! And it made me laugh, too, which we desperately need right now, I'm grateful for Andy Borowitz!

[CatLady78]

3. Increasingly impossible to distinguish

satire from reality...

I mean after the sharpie thing..the bleach thing...

[Rhiannon12866]

5. Andy Borowitz's job these days has never been so tough!

There are so many articles I read here these days that I'm sure must be one from Borowitz that I missed - or from The Onion!

[marie999]

4. Short and sweet.

Are his people hiding all of these and the ads from him? I hope not. In that case, I wonder if his doctor is sitting in the next room with a CPR machine.

[Rhiannon12866]

7. Can he really be that unaware?? This has to be why the "ramp" and the "water" were major topics

At his insufferable "rally..."

[marie999]

9. I think that he has seen these of Fox.

I think his people try to keep him from seeing as much as they can. So keep running those ads on Fox. Try to keep Fox talking about them even though they will try to say how wrong the ads are the more they talk about them the better.

[malaise]

6. Too good

[Celerity]

8. when Rump thunders, he surely must shit up his nappy a wee bit, as his stools are looser than gruel

POTUS Skidmark, the shitstain on the underwear of life

[ProfessorGAC]

10. Do The Testing With Gym Shoes!

Then those troublesome leather soles won't be a ramp-up problem.

[Rhiannon12866]

11. Big surprise, the Trumps actually offer them, you know!

Why wasn't he wearing these since he described his decent on that ramp as "running?!"

[ProfessorGAC]

12. Oh Brother!

Branding is LITERALLY all they have.
The cash flow from that is all that keeps them afloat.
And, maybe not.
When those "no payment" intervals on several hundred million in debt expire, branding might not be enough to cover debt service without liquidating assets.
And we all know how useful contraction is to a business.