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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThis Week in Hell: Somehow, It Got Worse. It Always Does. I Don't Understand How, But It Does.(F/SC)
Wow, and I thought I was stir-crazy back when I saw a potential end to quarantine conditions. Now that were in oh, the ruling party has decided to pretend everything is just dandy, so were stuck with this shit until theyre dragged, biting and clawing, from the White House territory, Ive taken the precaution of having my entire apartment padded for my safety. While I test out my new straightjacket, lets do the news...
(And yes, this post can be found, in living color, with nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-somehow-it-got-worse-it-always-does-i-dont-understand-how-but-it-does/)
Welp, Tangerine Idi Amin believes hes stumbled onto the secret to re-election and that secret is DEAD CHILDREN. Even as his bullheaded insistence on reopening the economy has led to massive COVID outbreaks, particularly in states run by sycophantic know-nothing Republican governors, hes somehow convinced himself that his months of deadly dithering and lethal incompetence will be forgiven, and hell be borne as a god by a grateful public, if he can only trick schools into believing everything is safe and good and normal so theyll open next month.
The plan here seems to center around screeching, Democrats want to keep schools closed for political purposes, while only I, possibly the single dumbest person in human history, care about education, but of course the easily discernible reality is more along the lines of, I view your childrens lives as completely expendable in my demented quest to falsely project normalcy, and Democrats are your only hope of stopping my murderous madness, which has reached biblical levels.
See, we arent anywhere close to meeting the guidelines Sharty McFlys own CDC has set for safe school reopenings, so naturally the solution is to simply make up some new guidelines, because science and reality bow to political pressure all the time; who can forget that one summer when we all signed that petition that changed the freezing point of water?
Just to be extra sinister/politically suicidal, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk even threatened to cut funding to any schools that refused to convert their classrooms into modern day Roman Coliseums, only with coronavirus instead of lions. Now, setting aside the fact that he lacks the power to follow through on this threat, let us once again take note that his first impulse is, as always, Im not getting my way, and therefore millions must suffer, a motivation I always found rather difficult to believe in comic book/action film villains, but holy balls of pure fuck do I ever understand that shit now.
Anyway, welcome to the point in American history when the President of the United States lied about a major public health risk to CHILDREN in a deranged attempt to preserve his own political prospects. When he adopted a re-election strategy contingent on a willful, unnecessary increase in CHILD DEATHS. Shit, I expect hell even market Trump branded, child-sized coffins, with the Confederate flag printed right on the lid. Those of you aspiring to someday write history textbooks: for the love of God, please remember to include this shit.
While were on the coronavirus front, youll be pleased to learn your wartime president has indeed declared war...on Dr. Anthony Fauci! He's made a lot of mistakes, says the monstrous nitwit with the blood of 136,000 Americans on his (freakishly small) hands, of the nations leading epidemiologist, and like, WOW for daring to point that particular (tiny, inadequate) finger. Old man, the fruits of your recent mistakes are all around us, theyre measured in jobs lost, lives wrecked, and, oh yeah, TOMBSTONES.
Anyway, word is hes not even talking to Fauci now. Gosh, Donnie, I bet these playground tactics totally work; I bet if you tell the coronavirus it cant sit at your table in the lunchroom, itll beg its mom to transfer to another school, all your fucking problems will vanish in a puff of narcissistic fantasy, and youll cruise to re-election.
Lawmakers down in Mississippi were far too virile and manly to wear any sissy-ass face masks, and the coronavirus responded to their uncontainable machismo by infecting a whole bunch of them with COVID-19 because, and Ill say this slowly since it doesnt seem to be sinking in with some of yall, IT IS A VIRUS AND YOU CANNOT TRICK IT THE WAY YOU TRICK CHUCK TODD. You cant bothsides a disease, campers. Yes, that will be on the test.
In the rarest of victories for an administration that has become synonymous with catastrophic, humiliating failure, the Turd Reich successfully bullied Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman into retiring from the Army, by interfering with his well-earned promotion. Vindman is a tested, proven hero and patriot, and ordinarily these are traits youd think a nation would value in their military officers, but it turns out standards are a wee bit different when you put treacherous grifters in charge, and so this president's crimes have cost the nation the service of another good man. So yes, a victory for Team Treasonweasel, but another tragic setback for the United States of America, kinda nutty how that sort of shit keeps happening, huh?
Well, the Fascist Farthuffers Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, looked the gift horse of his rich white dude privilege square in the mouth, and now he is back in prison, let us point at him and laugh. Having been undeservedly released to home confinement on account of the pandemic while untold thousands of poor, non-white folks remained locked inside COVID farms for non-violent drug offenses, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo violated the terms of his release at a fancy restaurant, and refused to abide by a gag order, which feels pretty cocky for a confessed felon. Anyway, do Paul Manafort next.
Like my Daddy always said, never bring a supbar white supremacist douchebag to a war hero fight. Ok, my father never actually said that, but if Tucker Carlson ever recovers from the butt-whoopin hes received this week, its surely a lesson hell pass down to his drooling, mediocre spawn. Liar Tuck has been lashing out at his betters more and more as his Turd Emperors re-election chances have plummeted, and lately hes been fixated on my own Junior Senator, Tammy Duckworth, presumably because he wanted to know what it feels like to have a titanium boot up his lackluster ass. Heh. Wonder no more, fuck-o.
The Supreme Court rejected Hairplug Himmlers But I Do So Wish to Be Above the Law; Its Ever So Much Easier to Commit Crimes That Way argument, and ruled he does indeed have to turn his financial records over to New York prosecutors, and I guess its cool that theres a 7-2 SCOTUS majority that agrees well yeah, the rule of law exists, but also HOLY SHIT Alito n Thomas, the fuckre you two smoking?
And yes, many have pointed out that Lil Donnie Two-Scoops has essentially successfully run out the clock here in terms of hiding his finances from the electorate, and thats both true and a goddamn shame, but hey, its still pretty fucking funny watching a rage-blind Lou Dobbs rant that Gorsuch and Kavanaugh are part of the Deep State now.
I guess when youre on one of historys all-time greatest losing streaks, you have to celebrate your tiny triumphs wherever you find em, but I for one would appreciate it if President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster would stop bragging about acing his basic cognitive test over at Walter Reed. Its embarrassing, bro. Wait, whats that? You say hes even boasted the doctors were very surprised his brain actually works? Good lord. Find your stamp collection right now, I guarantee you all the dead presidents are blushing.
After weeks of pointlessly transforming an extremely simple, low-sacrifice gesture into a culture war controversy, at the cost of countless lives, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot finally agreed to be filmed wearing a goddamn mask during his upcoming visit to the above-mentioned Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. While Im glad hes finally doing it, and I certainly hope its not too late to get the frothy hordes of Cult45 to change their virus-spreading ways, what do you tell the thousands who died for nothing more important than one egomaniacs vanity? Grief seems inadequate; I can offer only rage, and links to Democratic campaigns.
Well, hydroxychloroquine still doesnt work as a COVID-19 treatment, and Peter Navarro still has absolutely zero qualifications to make one fucking comment about anything remotely related to epidemiology (hes an gibbering nitwit when it comes to trade, and thats his lifes work), so naturally Navarro is out there pimping hydroxycloroquine again. Its amazing the lengths these malicious clowns will go to, to avoid listening to science, particularly since listening to science is literally their only hope for political survival. Theyll try anything, ANYTHING...except the one thing that will work, which they have categorically ruled out, and holy fuck these idiots are in charge, because we live in Hell.
I see the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus cancelled a planned weekend rally in New Hampshire, citing concerns about Tropical Storm Tulsa Sure Was Embarrassing Wasnt It, because weather reports show that while it will likely have stopped raining hours before the planned event, there was also only a very slight chance of People Dumb and Brainwashed Enough to Risk Their Lives to Watch a Deluded Old Man Yell About His Polling For an Hour.
Of course, the reluctance to sign up for the latest coronafest probably has something to do with the COVID surge Tulsa has seen in the aftermath of Weehands McNodicks laughably-under-attended rally late last month. Congratulations, Dotard, you may not be much of a president, but youre the Johnny Appleseed of Pestilence.
Late-breaking news reveals a prominent writer on Tucker Carlsons staff resigned for being hellaciously racist, and I guess the resigned part is surprising. Fox will keep Carlson on the air, broadcasting his hateful filth, even though advertisers have almost entirely fled, because they like broadcasting his hateful filth, and they believe his hateful filth is something the country needs more of.
In even later-breaking news, President Crotchrot has, as expected, commuted What if Beetlejuice Was in Grumpy Old Men Cosplayer Roger Stones sentence, so yet another Trumpist felon has evaded justice. Once again, I say, let him wallow in his petty victory; this pardon power will be long gone when he wants it most, and that day has grown quite close indeed.
Ok, Im gonna sneak off now before the late late late news breaks, probably about Putin buying Americas nuclear arsenal off the Dotard for a fistful of shiny beads. Fuck. I need a drink. Stay safe out there, Resisters...
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,308 posts)Thank you, dear Ferret!
GulfCoast66
(11,949 posts)Glad I had swallowed my bourbon when I read that!!
greatauntoftriplets
(175,698 posts)Have another drink. You deserve it. Also, K&R.
Cha
(295,929 posts)Squatted in our WH.
Thanks, Ferret for your continued analysis through it All.. Thick & Thin.
2naSalit
(86,061 posts)ismnotwasm
(41,921 posts)littlemissmartypants
(22,418 posts)roamer65
(36,739 posts)Depression and world war are coming, via a climate crisis.
MontanaMama
(23,242 posts)We need to laugh here and there...I think really hard times are coming. Thank you TheFerret!
Baron Golfin von Fatfuk
BayAreaAtLast
(37 posts)And laughing my bounteous ass off. Great job!!
Mc Mike
(9,107 posts)Theyll try anything, ANYTHING...except the one thing that will work, which they have categorically ruled out
citing concerns about Tropical Storm Tulsa Sure Was Embarrassing Wasnt It, because weather reports show that while it will likely have stopped raining hours before the planned event, there was also only a very slight chance of People Dumb and Brainwashed Enough to Risk Their Lives to Watch a Deluded Old Man Yell About His Polling For an Hour.