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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThe One Where We Learned Jared Kushner Was Cool With COVID-19 Killing People in Blue States (Ferret)
Trying times, friends. I dont know about yall, but Im right on the brink of discovering precisely how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of my fragile sanity. Ah yes, I believe I feel the beak of the owl crushing down on my skull even now...lets get the news in before I shatter.
(And yes, you can find this post, with all those nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/the-one-where-we-learned-jared-kushner-was-cool-with-covid-19-killing-people-in-blue-states/)
In open defiance of a recent Supreme Court ruling, the Checks Are For Cucks and So Are Balances Administration has been rejecting new DACA applicants, because were just not going to have the rule of law between now and the election. Personally, I wouldnt be doing donuts on John Roberts lawn if I knew Id be begging him to throw out an election and keep me in power in just a few short months, but expecting long-term thinking from these clowns seems unfair at this point.
Because he is such a good little servant, Donnie Two-Scoops pulled out his crayon-scrawled register of PEEPUL TO GET BACK AT WHILE ME AM STILL PREZIDUNT, and compared it to Uncle Vlads Xmas list, in order to set priorities for his dwindling term. Sticking it to that haughty Angela Merkel woman was a point of mutual agreement, and so the U.S. is withdrawing 12,000 troops from Germany, wasting billions of taxpayer dollars in the process. Putin has reportedly gone into hiding, because he believes being photographed while tap-dancing with glee would undermine his carefully-crafted strongman image.
In his doomed quest to win back college-educated white women, Tangerine Idi Amin has commandeered an ice cream truck, and embarked, drenched in sweat that reeks of tanning lotions and cheeseburger grease, on a whirlwind tour of suburbia, shrieking about Joe Bidens evil plot to abolish apple pie and friendly father/son games of catch, panicking more and more as he learns these people arent nearly as frightened and hateful as he desperately needs them to be. Yeah, Brad Parscale was the problem alright.
Everybodys giving Government Cheese Goebbels grief because hes too chickenshit to tell Putin, Hey, it would be really cool if you could maybe stop putting bounties on American soldiers heads, but to be fair, its extra tough to stand up to your boss in this job market. Also, as a practical matter, there probably just isnt time after all the sniveling and groveling. Cmon Vlad, you promised, I took the troops outta Germany like you wanted, please gimmie some dirt on Joe Biden, I cant make anything stick, Vlad, PLEASE, we both know I cant handle prison! And then Meadows bursts in with a stack of shit to sign. You know how it is.
Going local for a minute, some shitty white kid called Will Dismukes resigned his post as pastor of a Baptist church, though not his seat in the Alabama state legislature, when he got caught attending a birthday party for dead Confederate/KKK loser Nathan Bedford Forrest. Yknow, back when I was a theatre major in college, thered occasionally be some pretentious douche who wanted to celebrate Shakespeares birthday, or Marlon Brandos, or John Cazales if he was particularly tedious; this is the white supremacist version of that. These are dork klansmen, throwing the lamest theme parties on Gods green earth.
My least favorite trope in this nightmare reality show is probably the inevitable shitgeyser that erupts every time Littlefinger delegates anything important to his idiot son-in-law. Kid Nepotisms latest game of Fantasy Chief of Staff has of course come at the expense of the nations coronavirus response, and if anyone has any as-yet-unpopped forehead veins theyre looking to preserve, I suggest you look away now, because it turns out one big reason the United States failed so spectacularly and disastrously in the early days of the pandemic was Jar-Jar's sociopathically misguided belief that the only really dangerous outbreak zones were in blue states, so it would be good for his team politically to just LET THE VIRUS KILL PEOPLE, and then blame Democratic governors in the aftermath.
Now, thats not only evil, but epically fucking stupid, VIRUSES CANT READ MAPS, JARED. Fuck, even the Paul Reiser character in Aliens would call Kushner a cretinous little nitwit, everyone can see it, everyone...except the President of the United States.
So that one pizza guy, the one who doesnt understand economics and sexually harassed a bunch of women...Herman Cain. Hes dead now, because he caught Covid at that one place everybody told him he was gonna catch Covid, and it killed him, because thats what Covid does. Im sure you have a few pearl-clutchers in your feed insisting that we must treat Hermans self-inflicted demise with great somberness and respect. Fuck that.
What Herman Cain chose to do with the end of his life was vile. He engaged in a deliberate effort to trick people into extremely unsafe, indeed possibly lethal behaviors. He told his followers that what he was doing, namely gathering indoors in the middle of a city experiencing a heavy coronavirus outbreak, without masks or social distancing, was safe. No doubt many of those followers trusted Herman, and some of them are sick or even dead right now. For those people, I feel sympathy and sorrow. For Herman Cain, well, he was trying very, very hard to hurt people, and now he cant hurt anyone anymore. My mourning card has been booked up for months, sorry.
And now the Dumbest Man in Congress, Louie Gohmert, has tested positive as well, in spite of his extremely impressive public stance against mask-wearing. I confess Im confused here; surely the virus finds such manly defiance intimidating; we all know there is no basic law of science that isnt subject to immediate suspension when faced with a sufficiently masculine doubter, proclaiming nuh-UH with a puffed-out chest. Thats just how the universe works...in the Freedumb Caucus, anyway.
Of course, Louie is SO dumb that his existence isnt defined by the mere absence of intelligence, but the often-violent projection of anti-intelligence, and thus, he cant just admit, I was wrong, folks, this virus is REAL, and it is DANGEROUS, no, he has to bellow, IT WUZ THE MASK WUT DONE IT as hes dragged off to quarantine. If there are no supply chain issues, Id like to order a round of cognitive tests for Texas entire first district, please.
Panicked as his electoral prospects wither like his own dusty scrotum, Sharty McFly is pretty much just flipping through famous dictators biographies looking for ideas at this point, and so this week he finally floated the notion of delaying the election, as we always knew he would. The optimism boggles the mind, as though a few more months spent percolating in the lake of raw sewage he dropped on our heads would win converts as we grow accustomed to the smell.
I suppose he still believes the problem will mystically resolve on its own, that his ghostly father will one day appear before the coronavirus accountant, and with his astral checkbook offer a sum so large the disease will simply retire to the French Riviera. Guess hes just afraid Daddys gonna wait until mid-November, one last I Never You Loved You before dragging him away to the Great Military School in the Sky.
Like most of his endeavors, Weehands McNodicks pathetic attempt to redirect the medias attention just as Barack Obama began his eulogy at John Lewis funeral failed spectacularly, and the world watched the former Presidents speech, overflowing with grace and righteousness, with the sort of nostalgic longing seldom found outside Kenny Chesney lyrics. You realize, old man, Obama has barely begun to tear you apart on the virtual campaign trail, right?
Well, looka here, the Department of Homeland Security has been compiling little intelligence reports on American journalists covering the shenanigans in Portland. Considering DHS I Can Haz Secret Police? actions there, I can certainly understand their fervor to keep the homeland safe...from journalism; obviously its much easier to disseminate propaganda when there are no inconvenient videos of your own stormtrooper bullshit, but to bastardize a phrase, who secures the homeland from Homeland Security?*
Going one giant, dark step further, the Department of Justice is asking the courts to lift an order protecting journalists on the ground in Portland, alleging that there are just oodles and oodles of antifa super-soldiers out there pretending to be journalists, blah blah blah the point here is that the Van Disappearance Squad is asking for legal permission to start bashing reporters heads, and yknow, I dont think we should give it to them.
Oh, and now hurricane season is bearing down on our Covid-ravaged shores? Luckily were experiencing a historic leadership surplus, so dealing with any storm damagell be easy-peezy, well just have Ron DeSantis declare victory a few days before landfall, and move on with our lives; its a time-tested 2020 tactic.
And of course, President Crotchrot is still using all his tiny-fisted might to choke the life out of the coronavirus once and for all only not the coronavirus but rather the Post Office. Wow, the authoritarianism plotline and the pandemic plotline keep mingling in ways that would be really fun and interesting anyplace other than real life, dontcha think?
Fuck. Its no fuckin fun out there, is it, Resisters? But were in the home stretch now, we can tough this shit out, right? I think it was Aristotle who said, The last 96 days of a game show host autocrats reign are always the toughest, but the beer will never taste better than it does on that 96th day. So hang in there.
*Im worried I didnt say homeland enough in this paragraph.
tblue37
(65,226 posts)Mopar151
(9,974 posts)If the Sultan of Stupid = Littlefinger, his Vaucous Vizer = "Little toe"
TDale313
(7,820 posts)Let it ravage the blue states. Practice Disaster Capitalism to economically and politically destroy them. Assume you can spin this in Red and Purple areas. But as you said, viruses dont read maps and if youre telling your side not to worry or follow protocols for containing this thing, and if your voters are by in large older, its going to start having a major impact on your supporters. Which, all other issues aside, is gonna hurt you politically.
C_U_L8R
(44,987 posts)that republicans live in blue states too? Or that red state residents have friends and family in blue states? This has got to be the stupidest strategy eve launched. Trump and the GOP are punishing their own.
flying rabbit
(4,628 posts)littlemissmartypants
(22,569 posts)murielm99
(30,717 posts)Since backwards seems to be the zeitgeist.
Thanks, TF.
dustyscamp
(2,223 posts)I'd be fine with that and I wouldn't vote to convict the person. Yeah, I'm evil
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,523 posts)Superb writing!
Thank you, dear Ferret!
Lugnut
(9,791 posts)RANDYWILDMAN
(2,664 posts)NEVER DID !!!
He learned it from his dad and he owned it from his father in law.
He is heartless...but he and Ivanka made a lot of money this year, so it's all good