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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsShitty Evita and Other RNC Lunatics (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Look, Im not saying quarantine is getting to me, but lately Ive taken to writing EAT ME on everything in the fridge, because at some point, something has to make me magically grow right out of Shitty Wonderland, and Ill wake up safe in my bed, right? RIGHT? Cmon, pull up a toadstool, well go over the news:
(As always, find this post, in living color, with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/shitty-evita-and-other-rnc-lunatics/)
Youve seen the shiny new Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide, right? Its got all you need to know about the closest races for the U.S. House and Senate, and if you dig this weird little poo joke blog, I think youll find the Guide useful and amusing. Check it out, and pitch in if you can!
http://showercapblog.com/fascist-flushing-2020-guide-house/
But if you cant, dont worry about it; times is hard, yknow? The whole dang point of the Democratic Party is helping folks when theyre struggling; were not like Arizonas Participation Trophy Senator, Martha McSally, who literally begged her supporters to starve themselves so they could send her flailing campaign more money. Yes, the very same Martha McSally who opposed expanded unemployment benefits for the filthy takers thinks you should fast a meal so she can stay in Washington, with her boot on your neck. Cant make this shit up.
Well, a little while back, when we first heard Melania was redoing the Rose Garden, we knew itd turn out shitty, and sure enough, it turned out shitty. Im mostly just grateful she didnt drop a couple of gold toilets amongst the bushes and call it a day; remember, it can always get worse with these jerks.
So, Lil Donnie Dotard rang the bell in the town square, and when we all came running, he squeaked, Scandal! Shame! The dastardly Democrats have stripped God from the Pledge of Allegiance, and we went, oh, its only the turd who cried wolf, because he was lying again, of course, and so we joined hands and danced in a circle around him, chanting, You dont know how to run against Biden! because in this scenario were all little kids, was that unclear?
This is what passes for strategic brilliance in that Adderall-addled brain: an easily-debunked lie that makes him look like, well, like someone who needs a basic cognitive test. Still, in MAGA nation, this will be accepted as gospel truth, and if you dont believe me, try asking that old high school chum who posts Q memes what he thinks, but only if youre willing to get an earful about Godless Joe and his heathen antifa hordes.
Of course, here in the real world, the only folks I see taking God out of anything are wearing red ball caps that say Made in China on the tag. Recent polling reveals fifty-fucking-seven percent of Republicans find the coronavirus death toll, well over 180,000 as I type this, acceptable, and if you havent heard Jeff Foxworthys You Might be in a Death Cult if.... routine, this is pretty much the whole thing.
Such a horrifyingly passive little word in this context, acceptable. Anyway, one of things I like best about Joe Biden is how he doesnt ask me to die for him. Or even skip a meal!
I guess there are secret recordings of Sharty McFlys sister talking about what a turd-gargling rat bastard he is, and...I confess, I dont get why anyone expects this to change anything. There are millions of people saying the same things right this very minute. Donald Trumps flaws are wildly agreed upon; indeed, none of us have been granted a moments respite from them for four years. There are people who care that the President is an amoral psychopath, and there are people who dont; were just waiting see how many of each live in Wisconsin.
The House of Representatives returned from recess to pass, with surprising bipartisan support, a bill designed to rescue the United States Postal Service from an executive branch hellbent on sabotaging it from within in order to undermine the coming election. Boy, that sentencell surprise a few kids in the history classes of the future, wont it? Wait, wait, I tuned out around the moon landing, who did what to the Post Office, now?
Or maybe theyll ask, whats a Post Office? before leaving their offerings at the feet of the Ivanka statue outside the school. Youve checked to make sure youre registered to vote, yes?
Anyway, the bill now heads to the decency graveyard Mitch McConnell calls his desk, a reminder that its crucial to take back the Senate this fall, and have I mentioned Ive got an Action Guide for that?
Also, I guess the Postmaster General doesnt know what it costs to mail a postcard, but he still gets to hang onto the power to sabotage a crucial piece of electoral infrastructure, endangering the health of rural Americans and veterans, and crotch-stomping already pandemic-battered small businesses, collateral damage Louis DeJoy and his wannabe dictator bosses do not give a single fuck about.
Cool country weve got here. Very first world. Not at all a shithole.
So, President Crotchvoid called himself a little press conference over the weekend to pimp his latest untested coronavirus miracle cure, (Hydroxychloroquine...now with Splenda!) but fortunately, the grown-ups in his administration got out ahead of him and he wound up sulking away after a couple of softballs from friendly propaganda outlets.
Really looking forward to the night before Election Day, when hell proclaim via tweet that he discovered a Covid cure himself by mixing the drinks at the soda fountain at Chuck E. Cheese, also Q is totally real and all Democrats are pedophiles SLAY THEM MY UNHOLY CHILDREN OF THE CANDY CORN!*
New York Attorney General Letitia James sued the Shart Organization; apparently theyve been lying about the size of the Velveeta Vulgarians financial assets, inflating or deflating them willy-nilly, like Erics high school girlfriend, to suit their fraudulent schemes. Yknow, once the law is done catching up to these cheap career crooks, I hope theyre not allowed to serve their many sentences concurrently. See, you gotta think ahead, folks.
Youll no doubt be shocked to learn that George and Kellyanne Conway are shitty parents, though they may have finally been scared straight by their teenage daughters sudden, publicly-declared pursuit of legal emancipation. Anyway, this all feels like a Tennessee Williams acid freakout, and Id like to move on to literally anything else now.
So I guess Jerry Falwell, Jr. likes watching the pool boy fuck his wife, and between this and the recent Ben Shapiro news, one has to wonder if any prominent conservative male has ever actually sired a biological child. When you go to Republican picnics, you meet a lot of kids with moms personal trainers eyes, yknow?
Celebrity Punch Receiver Richard Spencer thought hed be a clever little ratfucker and endorse Joe Biden, as though theres some great, culture-wide uncertainty as to which side the Nazis are on here. Smilin Joe wasted little time telling Spencer where he could shove his endorsement, noting of Dickie Boys most famous public interaction that there was a very fine person on only one side of that fist.
Anyway, its Republican National Convention week, though one wonders what the point of a convention is, when the GOP has finally, formally proclaimed, Platforms are for Falwells, were a cult of personality now! Shit, thats the one thing these gaslighting shitweasels are willing to be honest about, and if that doesnt elicit a mad cackle from your weary ass, I dont know what will.
I decided to skip the first night of the proceedings, because I dont hate myself, but luckily, any sense of FOMO I may experience doesnt extend to watching angry white people screaming. Sorry, Metallica.
But looking at a few video clips today, wooooooooooo...as many others have pointed out, it looks like we found the kink in the cocaine supply chain. And as for Juniors odious mate, the clearly-never-hinged-in-the-first-place Kimberly Guilfoyle, I mean, if theres a swingable I just want to see my high school drama teacher play Medea on meth and Ill vote for whoever gives me that demographic out there that none of us know about, she certainly sewed it up.
Oh, and everybody call child services on RNC speaker Abby Johnson, who posted a video to YouTube welcoming all the future racial profiling her adopted biracial son has to look forward to under the white supremacist police state. Someday, that poor child is going to find that video, and even the fucking Conways wont have any advice for Abby and her deeply warped definitions of love and fairness.
A mob of maskless wingnuts violently stormed Idahos special legislative session, demanding immediate coronavirus infection, or something equally stupid, who gives a shit, because being asked to be a fucking adult in the name of public health is tyranny, apparently. Of course, its actually the rest of us chumps, with our silly sense of civic duty, who are trapped beneath the tyranny of this tantrum-throwing, covid-spreading minority, right? Oh, how that irony sends twisted little giggles echoing down the hallway of this apartment I STILL CANT FUCKING LEAVE.
I cant leave, but I can have beer delivered, and for tonight at least, that will have to do. I really would be grateful if youd check out that Action Guide, friends. See you soon, stay safe out there.
http://showercapblog.com/fascist-flushing-2020-guide-house/
* Holy fuck. Children of the Candy Corn. How did that take me almost four years?
sandensea
(21,624 posts)The Trump girls are the worst of both worlds: reactionary, power-hungry and corrupt as hell.
dchill
(38,474 posts)Like fine wine, some things take time.
flying rabbit
(4,632 posts)GP6971
(31,141 posts)Cha
(297,158 posts)Banshee!
The Magistrate
(95,247 posts)Taught me a word, too.
I_UndergroundPanther
(12,463 posts)Great rant. Children of the candy corn perfect
2naSalit
(86,569 posts)I was thankful to find your fabulous post to read instead!
And I really like the Action Guide! Especially since on the Senate side you have my excellent Governor at the top of the page.
Just a note for the House side, The body slammer is quitting DC and running to have us hand him his ass for the third time because we don't want him as Governor. He only got the House job because it made sure he went to DC so we wouldn't see him around here! Now he wants to hang around all the time, I am thinking he's too linked to -45 now.
His opponent from his House race is running again and she has a fair chance to win it. Kathleen Williams, she's a good representative politician, she would also add to the number of women is the House.
Thanks for the laughs!
crickets
(25,963 posts)Love the Action Guide, with an interactive map and loads of candidate info and all. You spent some serious time on that - it's a great help. 👍
littlemissmartypants
(22,632 posts)tblue37
(65,336 posts)Lugnut
(9,791 posts)ZZenith
(4,121 posts)Mother-of-Gawd, I think I ruptured something laughing at that.
Youre keeping us sane, TheFerret - a grateful nation thanks you!
Hugin
(33,135 posts)Thanks for everything, Cap. Especially, for the *dah-daa* ACTION GUIDE!
I honestly believe the Midterm Action Guide itself may have yielded two additional Democratic Seats, if not more.
See you at the Polls! (or at the Mail Box, if there are any left.)