I'm glad. But I'm not joyful. I'm still dealing with the worst trauma of my lifetime.
On Tuesday morning I believed the American electorate would soundly and decisively reject the GOP’s politics of fear, greed, hate and division by a margin vastly greater than Hillary Clinton’s narrow popular vote win in 2016. The narrowness of that victory allowed the GOP to steal the Executive Branch using the Electoral College. I really believed that rejection would happen- not just believed, apparently, but was certain the way I’m certain that when I pick up an Agatha Christie mystery, Poirot or Miss Marple will find the murderer and justice will ultimately be served.
On Wednesday morning it appeared that not only had Americans not done that, but a greater percentage of Americans who have been brutalized and exploited by GOP evil and incompetence actually voted FOR [Redacted] and the GOP: Black men and white women.
And Joe Biden, who ran on a platform of decency and competence, narrowly managed to eke out a win currently being disputed with sufficient credibility to perhaps put the specter of another 2000 Supreme Court intervention in play.
“Narrowly managed to eke out a win.” After four years of Americans watching the GOP and its minions tear children from their parents and put them in cages and effectively orphan more than 500 kids. After more than 240,000 Americans died from a pandemic that was ignored, downplayed and mismanaged by the GOP. After multiple attempts by the GOP to repeal the Affordable Care Act and/or deny coverage to Americans with pre-existing health conditions. During a pandemic. After millions of jobs have been lost. “Narrowly managed to eke out a win.”
I can’t come to terms with this.
Nor will I blame the Democratic Party for not being progressive enough, for being too progressive, for infighting, for whatever lackluster sins the Democratic Party bureaucracy may have managed to commit over the 4 years since 2016, much less past derelictions, real and imagined.
When the choice is between a clearly demonstrated, existential threat from a morally bankrupt, viciously corrupt and incompetent ideology and Something Else, people who care about the future of their communities, their grandchildren and their nation choose Something Else. Responsible, moral, ethical caring human beings choose Something Else, even if it is a flawed Democratic Party. And especially if that Party’s representative has made a compelling case for themselves as a competent, decent, ethical human being willing to govern on principles of listening to all, balancing competing interests with compassion, and restoring the Executive Branch’s ability to promote the well-being of America’s most vulnerable people.
Clearly, the America I believed I lived in, where a substantial majority of voting-age citizens are people who do care about the future of their communities, their grandchildren and their nation, was an illusion. The America I thought I was part of, with a large majority of responsible, moral, ethical, caring human beings, was a mirage. I was delusional.
The original Star Trek series had an episode called “Mirror, Mirror” in which a transporter malfunction threw Enterprise crew members into a parallel universe. Instead of serving a Federation dedicated to promoting peace, exploration, and equity among diverse peoples, Starfleet was the thuggish strongarm of a Terran Empire greedy for conquest and willing to enforce its will with genocide. Instead of a shipboard culture of respect for one another and a clear, organized path of achievement and advancement, promotion was achieved by assassination and punishment for those who failed or disobeyed superiors involved torture.
On Wednesday November 4th, I woke up in that Mirror universe.
I am still processing this.
I recognize my responsibility for my own unrealistic beliefs, though I hadn’t thought they were quite so unrealistic or quite so deeply and inherently a part of who I am.
I recognize that yes, there are still many- even that narrow majority of- Americans who are the kind of people I believed Americans are.
I recognize that yes, that narrowly-won victory, if we can hang onto it, gives us a chance to work toward something better, by millimeters if not by the great strides I hoped we were about to take.
I recognize all those things.
But I have spent the past four years with every spiritual muscle clenched, every nerve taut, every breath contingent on a better future I knew would arrive on November 3rd, 2020.
And I am tired beyond tired, and devastated, and shamed, and grieving.
No, I don’t want to talk about it with people who want to tell me it’s not as bad as I think, or people who offer hope I might not be seeing right now, or people who have good ideas about self-care and healing and moving on and making the most of what opportunities we do have.
Not yet.
I’ll get there.
But not for a while.
I’m not who I thought I was, America isn’t the place I believed in.
I need time to parse this out. I need time to explore the inside narrative. I need the trauma to recede a bit. I need to look elsewhere for a while, rather than stirring through the ashes to find artifacts that survived intact or somewhat intact.
I need to get reacquainted with myself, maybe reinvent who I am, a bit harder, a bit more resilient, a bit less naïve and vulnerable and stupid, but hopefully still ethical and compassionate.
I need to grieve my fantasy America, the place I lived in for more than 6 decades that stopped existing quite a while ago, and maybe never existed.
It could have been worse, I know. And I am glad that we have saved something from the wreckage, and will do my best to support Joe Biden and Kamala Harris in the appallingly difficult task of trying to save an America divided, and assure a better future for the nearly half of Americans who would prefer hatred and fear and racism and patriarchy and greed and division. I will.
But not today. Not for a while, yet.
exhaustedly,
Much Dimmer Bright
= new reply since forum marked as read
The dishonesty is all over once you starting looking.
I'll start, my name is not actually Brainfodder.
I have a hard time looking at the people around m e and grokking that so many of them are stupid and cruel at heart...that THAT nature has been the one thing that binds them is so sad and horrific to me.
I know I can wax poetic with you on this for a while, and I might have to come back and share thoughts as they come to me. But Thank You for so elequently speaking to something that really is our lingering social and soulful dilemma... 
I think too many of us, myself included, starting counting chickens when they were only a batch of eggs and it tuned out some of those eggs produced more gators for the swamp (Collins, Graham, Ernst, Coryrn). Like you, I also thought this would be a mandate of sorts that the bigotry, hate, divisiveness, and general fuck-wittery would be put in its place, instead, we found "its place" is in the hearts and minds of more than 70 million Americans; that is soul-crushing. It has also been hard, especially for those of us battling anxiety issues, having to hear a chorus of people on our side telling us to "SHUT UP!" and "KNOCK IT OFF!" for expressing our fears, concerns, and anxieties. I am a gay Jew; I know what hate-filled people out there are really like and that they aren't always wearing brownshirts and pointy robes, they are often dressed in nice suits, and many, dress just like me, jeans and a t-shirt and have a smile on their faces, making them indistinguishable as a threat; but, the threat is real.
It's been a long journey already and it's not going to get easier. It is what it is.
the words and deeds of Donald Trump just for their ideology. Morality be damned. Sickening 
Wish we could safely hug you in person!
Scarlett O’Hara famously said “tomorrow is another day”, and so can we!
...apparently we're not the country you thought we were...welcome to America, 2020...
...hope you feel better, we've got work to do...
