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Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:04 PM

I finally cut ties with a lifelong acquaintance today.

I have posted about him before. We met in preschool and grew up in the same small town. We were very close friends growing up, despite his issues with drugs and alcohol beginning at a young age (preteen). He identified as highly progressive, very far to the left. Nobody else was as liberal as him, according to him. The rest of us were posers.

I've been reluctant to cut him out of my life entirely because our families were very close. I now see that this was a mistake. It's never a good idea to tolerate ongoing abuse, and I did for too long.

Twenty years ago I limited our contact to email due to his abusive alcoholic behavior. (When he had my old landline, he would call me in the middle of the night, over and over, screaming abuse.) Ten years ago I set his emails to spam, as during his alcoholic episodes I could receive a dozen rage-filled emails in one night. Over the years, I sporadically read his emails and very rarely responded. Responses triggered a torrent of personal attacks on me and my family, mixed with conspiracy theories and bigotry.

Over the past five years ago the bigotry accelerated. Deeply misogynist, racist, homophobic. Describes female politicians, in particular, as "reptilian" and other extremely dehumanizing terms. Still claimed to be super-progressive, of course.

Since the election he's sent some emails about the election being stolen, although he pretends not to support Trump (despite sounding just like him). Today, after the events on Wednesday, his emails were the last straw. There is no room in my life - not even my spam folder - for this. Nope.

I sent him a brief email stating that I think he knows the facts but chooses to ignore them because his deeply held belief is that Trump should have been re-elected because the only votes that matter are those of white men and maybe white women. I told him not to contact me again. I'll never read an email from him again.

Looking back over the 50+ years I recognize now that he's been an abusive overbearing bully since we were kids. I'm sorry it took me so long to recognize it.

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Reply I finally cut ties with a lifelong acquaintance today. (Original post)
yardwork Jan 2021 OP
bluestarone Jan 2021 #1
yardwork Jan 2021 #3
nancy1942 Jan 2021 #2
yardwork Jan 2021 #4
ARPad95 Jan 2021 #5
yardwork Jan 2021 #25
Hugin Jan 2021 #6
yardwork Jan 2021 #24
PatSeg Jan 2021 #7
yardwork Jan 2021 #23
southerncrone Jan 2021 #8
yardwork Jan 2021 #27
southerncrone Jan 2021 #28
LakeArenal Jan 2021 #9
yardwork Jan 2021 #22
stillcool Jan 2021 #10
yardwork Jan 2021 #21
geralmar Jan 2021 #11
lindysalsagal Jan 2021 #12
yardwork Jan 2021 #20
happynewyear Jan 2021 #13
UTUSN Jan 2021 #14
yardwork Jan 2021 #19
A HERETIC I AM Jan 2021 #15
yardwork Jan 2021 #18
A HERETIC I AM Jan 2021 #29
yardwork Jan 2021 #30
A HERETIC I AM Jan 2021 #31
Javaman Jan 2021 #16
yardwork Jan 2021 #17
Javaman Jan 2021 #26
Metatron Jan 2021 #32
yardwork Jan 2021 #33

Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:07 PM

1. Gotta do what you gotta do!!

I fight this with my siblings! tough decision, but i take my hat off to you!!

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Response to bluestarone (Reply #1)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:08 PM

3. Thank you. I feel a little ashamed of tolerating decades of abuse.

It helps me understand why people stay in abusive relationships. I was unwilling to confront who he really was.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:08 PM

2. Good for you.

Sounds like you had no other choice. Life is too short to deal with such people.

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Response to nancy1942 (Reply #2)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:08 PM

4. Thank you.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:09 PM

5. It's good to purge toxic substances from your life. Congrats for doing it and may his absence allow

someone who truly deserves your friendship to enter your life.

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Response to ARPad95 (Reply #5)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:41 PM

25. Thank you.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:09 PM

6. It's terrible to lose a friend.

Although, it seems like the friendship was only one way for some time.

Your time and energy are finite. There are others out there who deserve them much more right now.

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Response to Hugin (Reply #6)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:40 PM

24. That's a good way to look at it. Thanks.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:11 PM

7. I think most people

have had relationships like that and it does seem you really did try Eventually, however, you have to sever ties when you realize the other person isn't going to change and that the friendship is too toxic to tolerate.

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Response to PatSeg (Reply #7)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:40 PM

23. Exactly.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:14 PM

8. Fanatics of any ilk are always ripe for the manipulators.

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Response to southerncrone (Reply #8)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:41 PM

27. He's always been prone to believing off conspiracy theories.

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Response to yardwork (Reply #27)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:43 PM

28. I was referring to his followers, but yeah, him, too.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:14 PM

9. Good for you. It's hard...

My only sibling, only family left, had to be cut out. He has great politics, successfully, but bullied me my whole life. Brainwashed by the parents into thinking thatís what big brothers do.
A few years ago was the end. Havenít seen hide nor hair from him in years.
Two years ago my sil last texted me to tell me out of country texts cost money. Donít send things.

Edit. Thanks for letting me rant on your thread. I needed it I think.

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Response to LakeArenal (Reply #9)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:39 PM

22. I'm sorry, and at the same time I'm glad that you can rant here!

I think that's why I posted this. It's not about politics, or Trump. It's about the inability of humans to treat one another with forgiveness and decency.

We feel like we're doing the right thing to forgive and forgive, but that's not required of us. That's not right. it's ok to say, enough. Some things go too far. You know that.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:15 PM

10. so sorry. We humans..

what is evident in one is inherent in us all. Seeing the ugly, recognizing it, in ourselves or in others creates a shift in perception that is hard to brush off, and ignore. Someone once told me that the slightest shift in perception is the definition of a miracle.

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Response to stillcool (Reply #10)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:35 PM

21. That probably describe where I was for 55 years.

But enough is enough. No harm no foul.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)


Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:17 PM

12. It's the only hope for the country.

Maybe personal losses will slap them out if it. Maybe not.

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Response to lindysalsagal (Reply #12)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:34 PM

20. I'm sure he'll absorb this latest loss and move on.

None of us are as important to him as his deeply held beliefs.

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:21 PM

13. Set your email up to delete any messages coming in from him

That's what I would do.

No one needs a "friend" like this!

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:23 PM

14. Congrats, no loss for you, all good for you!

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Response to UTUSN (Reply #14)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:33 PM

19. Thanks!

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:32 PM

15. I think sometimes we cling to people because they make us feel.....

Last edited Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:39 PM - Edit history (1)

Thatís it.

They make us feel....something. Most people donít, frankly. It kind of sounds like this person made you feel bad, but important enough to him, otherwise, why would he bother? I have no way of knowing, of course, and I am by no means a social scientist, just another 61 year old fart who has had a few friends come and go over the years

I had an old friend of 30+ years exit my life because of Trumpy. Same sort of thing. He made me feel like he liked me and appreciated me, and perhaps he did. What I didnít know was that he was a racist and a xenophobe and willing to vote for an obvious fraud and charlatan because THAT guy made HIM feel......something.

Youíre better off. Plenty of people on this planet that want to know you and be good to you.

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #15)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:33 PM

18. You get it. That's it, exactly. Thanks.

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Response to yardwork (Reply #18)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:45 PM

29. I'm glad.

I am pleased that I get it. We all have to navigate our own channels through interactions with our fellow humans, and it gives me comfort to know I have said something you can relate to.


Go forward, always forward. Learn new things and speak new words. Learn how to say ďThis is deliciousĒ or ďHow can I be of serviceĒ or ďCheers!Ē in 6 languages. Meet new people. Go to new places.

The old ones you knew since elementary school are often not nearly as interesting as the fast friend you might make tomorrow.

Go boldly. Go safely, but without fear.


But go.

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #29)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:47 PM

30. Thank you. From my heart.

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Response to yardwork (Reply #30)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:50 PM

31. Prosit!




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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 04:42 PM

16. had a similar situation.

crazy alcoholic friend, he got verbally abusive in his emails. I would just delete them but finally, I had enough. I wrote to him stating just how much he has changed and needs to go to AA. I told him that if he replies, I will delete him, but I would more than welcome him back if he gets help and contact me with "AA" in the subject line.

He wrote me right back with "AA" in the subject line. Sadly, I deleted it.

I haven't heard from him in years. I don't even know if he's still alive.

Some are born toxic, some achieve toxicity , and some have toxicity thrust upon 'em. To paraphrase Shakespeare.

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Response to Javaman (Reply #16)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:32 PM

17. I understand. In 55+ years I tried a lot of things. It just isn't meant to be.

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Response to yardwork (Reply #17)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:41 PM

26. That's all you can do.

Itís hard excepting when a friendship is over no matter the circumstances.

Time invested in a long term friendship should have the dividend of mutual understand and acceptance. But if you are the only one trying to be understand standing and trying to accept who you friend is, then itís time to walk away, no matter how painful and sad you feel for the other person. There is apart of us as humans that want to help our fellow citizens of the planet but sadly some people forget that. You friend, much like mine, lost themselves long ago in a bottle. He couldnít help himself let alone another person. Itís really a sad situation. Both sides lose. Sadly he more than you.

Cheers and be safe

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Response to yardwork (Original post)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:55 PM

32. Instead of feeling regret, I suggest embracing the freedom --

of taking control of this relationship. I think it's always a positive step, no matter when it happens.

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Response to Metatron (Reply #32)

Fri Jan 8, 2021, 08:57 PM

33. Thank you.

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