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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsJosh Hawley and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Fascist Coup Attempt (F/SC)
You think I could get away with the I almost didnt blog, the news was so slow gag tonight? Like, I could write this super long paragraph about the Indians/Mets trade, really milk it, but ho hum, otherwise it was pretty quiet out there or some shit? Personally, I think Ive beaten that gag to death, but I figured it was worth a try.
(Get this post with links, and theres loads of em tonight, at http://showercapblog.com/josh-hawley-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-fascist-coup-attempt/)
Still, I suppose we really ought to discuss that thing where the President of the United States incited a fascist mob to storm the Capitol, attempt to kidnap and execute some of the highest-ranking elected officials in the land, and overthrow the American government on his behalf. Check out that Mets trade when you get a chance, though.
It all started innocently enough, with shiny new freshman Republican Congressthug Mary Miller introducing herself on the national scene with a hearty Hitler was right speech. That Miller was not promptly deposited on the very next bus back to the Illinois 15th tells you enough about the state of the GOP in 2021 that nothing that would follow should surprise you.
Marys pretty lucky, actually, because her Hitler-praising never really even made it to the front page, what with the aforementioned Mets trade, and also probably the violent coup thing.
About that. What do you even say? A mob of the shittiest losers scraped from the floors of Americas filthiest public restrooms, radicalized by the frankly silly lies of a farcically transparent con man and his cynical enablers, gathered in Washington, D.C., with murderous intentions. Many wore silly costumes, because everything Donald Trump does has to be stupid as well as dangerous.
A series of seditious speakers, including Mo Brooks and Gameshow Göring himself, (and Rudy Giuliani, who pulled out of his cousin just long enough to demand trial by combat) riled them up further, until, in a state of raging entitlement, they marched on the Capitol, where they quickly overwhelmed criminally understaffed law enforcement, invading the building where Congress was in the process of certifying the Electoral College vote, forcing historians to hastily add asterisks to encyclopedia entries on the final downfall of Nazism.
When the U.S. President looked upon this howling insurgent mob, who injured 56 police officers and murdered one, he told them, we love you, youre very special, which is nicer than anything hes ever said to Tiffany.
So Twitter n Facebook finally put the fucker in time-out, because he was enthusiastically cheerleading an active terror attack on Congress in session, and also to prevent him from using social media to organize further sectarian violence. As one does in this, our extremely first-world nation.
Meanwhile, the terrorist swarm, chock full of known white supremacist agitators, armed with bats and zip ties and god knows what else (shoutout to the guy who drove all the way up from Alabama only to leave his ELEVEN MOLOTOV COCKTAILS in the truck) roamed the halls, searching for Congressfolk to kidnap and kill. Many allegedly sought to murder Mike Pence, recently excommunicated from Cult45 for refusing to go along with Louie Gohmerts deeply stupid plan to steal the presidency by sneaking it out of the building under the Vice Presidents coat.
D.C. Police Chief Robert Contee actually had the sack to claim that there was no intelligence that something like this would happen, a lie so preposterous even the Dotard himself is like, Layin it on a little thick there, huh, Bob? because the intelligence has been all over the web, for weeks, in the form of extremely public planning conducted openly on social media. Just a heads up, theyre plotting a few more rounds of this shit, in case anybody feels like doing their job going forward.
Word is, Minority Leader McCarthy, during the siege, begged his Turd Emperor to call off his rabid supporters, but Hairplug Himmler refused, abandoning his loyal stooge to literally die in a violent insurrection, but damned if Kev didnt immediately re-staple his lips to that butt the very moment he was safe again. Does Donald Trumps ass secrete some sort of addictive chemical? Im really asking.
Anyway, once the terrorist throng was finally cleared from the halls of Congress (after pissing and shitting all over everything like animals), the House GOP immediately acquiesced to their every demand, moving right along with their bullshit challenge to the election results, because learning from your mistakes, even when you have literally just unleashed horrifying mob violence on your very own workplace, is, apparently, for cucks.
Of course, the fantastic news is that the Dunderhead Revolt failed spectacularly; (and how could it do anything else, considering the parties involved?) all they managed to accomplish was delaying the certification a few hours, forcing the shitty, decrepit white dudes who represent them to stay up past their bedtimes, officially acknowledging the restaurant-quality ass-kicking Joe Biden administered to their Skidmark Messiah last November. Nice work, losers.
At that point, this dark episode in American history reverted pretty quickly from constitutional crisis to the more comfortable and familiar Morons Rubbing Shit In Their Own Hair Show that weve grown accustomed to. Right wing media, ever ready to gaslight their audience, which craves gaslighting like Paula Dean craves hot buttery racism, figured they could always just blame the whole thing on antifa, but the Dipshit Confederacy wasnt having any of that, they wanted credit for their felonies, dagnabbit!
...not that tracking any of them down would prove difficult anyway, on account of the way they live-streamed their federal crimes on social media. And took selfies. And paraded, maskless, before the Capitols rather substantial security camera collection. Theres really no amount of self-destruction that can force these clowns to abandon their cultural rejection of mask-wearing during this public health crisis, is there? Well. Enjoy prison.
Cuz the harsh light of a new day brought, as it is wont to do, a great big fuckin bucket of consequences. How quickly the LOCK HER UP crowd devolves into blubbering, forgive me, I made a mistake, I only treasoned on accident! One minute, youre scratching your balls in Speaker Pelosis chair, the next, youre in prison. And the next. And the next. And the next...
Im really getting a kick out of this sudden wave of May As Well Take My Vacation Days principled resignations, too. Does Elaine Chao truly envision a misty-eyed standing ovation for her years-late, community-theatre-worthy show of bravery? Betsy DeVos imagines theres some sort of virtuous stand still available to Betsy DeVos at this late date? Thats honestly adorable.
In the midst of a week where he tried to overthrow the government and have his own Vice President murdered, President Crotchrot somehow still found the mental space to muse OH YEAH GOTTA MAKE TIME DURING THIS SEDITIOUS PSYCHOTIC EPISODE TO FORCE CELEBRITIES TAKE PICTURES WITH ME ONE LAST TIME and so he gave some medals to some golfers, one of whom I understand is deceased. We need to make sure this warped, soggy brain gets left to science, is all Im saying.
Its possible I will never stop laughing at Josh Hawley, who finally took the plunge into full-on focus-group fascism ten minutes before Donald Trump transformed himself into American Bin Laden. Son, if you werent able to piece together on your own that the moment for your treacherous lil pageant passed while police officers were bleeding and dying to protect you from the consequences of your own recklessness, I just dont think leadership is your calling.
Yeah, Josh jumped (and Ted Cruz jumped after him, lets spare a belly laugh or twelve for that) straight into a steaming pile of comeuppance, and it couldnt have happened to a nicer fascist. Allies and donors are fleeing, home state newspapers are demanding resignation, his book deal got Milod, and theres still the judgment of history to come. Tee fucking hee.
Hawley and Cruz are getting the headlines (and the calls to resign from Senate colleagues) but we shouldnt overlook the backbench co-conspirators, if you ask me. Were gonna run against Tommy Tuberville in 2026 reminding voters that he sided with terrorists attempting to overthrow the government on his VERY FIRST WEEK, and theyre gonna re-elect him anyway, arent they?
And now Republicans are whining (story at 11, right?) that another impeachment would be divisive. Well, I think we need a little division at this point. We need to divide the violent lunatics and those who incite them from polite society, and certainly from our fucking politics. If we dont do that, Wednesdays debacle will simply be the first chapter of a very long book that will suck to read, and suck much, much harder to live through. Im sorry that yall made these maniacs such an important part of your electoral coalition; that was a bad decision on your end.
As you process the weeks tragedies, spare a tear for the poor, loyal Shart House staffers, who are suddenly worried about how shuffled paperwork for a terrorist insurrection is going to look on a resumé. Now, Im a compassionate guy; if times ever get truly tough for these poor lackeys, I have plenty of shit they can eat.
But yknow somethin? A thousand years ago, when I was wrapping up my last blog, the first results of the Georgia Senate runoffs were just starting to trickle in. For all the horrible shit the country has been through these last few years, we just installed, in two seats the Republican Party has come to view as personal property, a young, liberal, Jewish filmmaker, and the Pastor at Martin Luther King Jr.s church, the first Black Senator in Georgia history. And in doing so, swung the whole dang Senate into Chuck Schumers lovin arms.
I know dozens, if not hundreds of you reading this right now donated to those campaigns. Made calls. Knocked on doors. Sent postcards. In a week thats seen some deeply fucked up notions about the meaning of patriotism, we came together to accomplish something wonderful for our country. Something that changed the course of history, pried power out of Mitch McConnells abusive hands, and gave the incoming administration a fighting chance to do some much-needed good. I thank you for it.
Thingsre pretty intense right now. The House is looking to impeach the motherfucker again (for incitement of insurrection, which, yknow...is objectively how the guy spent his Wednesday) as early as Monday. Lisa Murkowski is threatening to leave the Republican Party. And the Mets and the Indians made a really big trade (Shazam!).
ANYWAY, soooooooooo yeah. Congratulations, you are officially living through the United States of Americas first ever non-peaceful transfer of power. There should be a challenge coin, dontcha think?
Oh, incidentally, COVID-19 broke the 4,000-American-deaths-in-one-day barrier, and the worst is still to come. Everything is awful. Everything. Im sorry. Seriously. What the fuck.
Hey, its been a nonstop batguano tornado this week, and I am 100% sure I missed a bunch of details, for which I beg your forgiveness. JESUS CHRIST THE DODDERING FUCK JUST GOT PERMANENTLY SUSPENDED FROM TWITTER, CANT YOU GUYS SEE IM TRYING TO WRITE A CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH?
It never stops. But I have to, for now. Im tired. And my HBO Max free trial period ends tomorrow. The sitting President of the United States has been banned from Twitter for inciting violence, may you live in interesting times, FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU
ZZenith
(4,115 posts)Glad hes overcome the leukemia thing, though.
catbyte
(34,325 posts)Great read, thank you.
Karadeniz
(22,461 posts)WAIT! You're not finished!
Hugin
(33,032 posts)American Bin Laden (A new one and I LIKE IT!)
Karadeniz
(22,461 posts)Tommymac
(7,263 posts)You know the whole brain rot thing. Not to mention a slight weight problem.
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Danascot
(4,689 posts)Karadeniz
(22,461 posts)flying rabbit
(4,622 posts)They always are.
LuckyLib
(6,817 posts)For four years we thought it couldnt get any worse.
Joelteply
(38 posts)And I needed that. Well done.
Cha
(296,747 posts)on trump's Deadly Terrorist Attack on the Capitol Building. Another failed coup.
It's so bizarre to even be typing those words.
I know how serious this is but you still made me laugh. It's been so grim since Wednesday.
EarlG
https://www.democraticunderground.com/1017629853
UpInArms
(51,279 posts)denbot
(9,897 posts)Thanks!