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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsColumn: Donald Trump's Inauguration Day letter to Joe Biden: An exclusive (very real) draft
As outgoing President Donald Trump refuses to attend President-elect Joe Bidens inauguration this week, becoming the first (awesome) president in 100 years to skip the event, many have wondered if he will continue the tradition of leaving a note in the Oval Office for his successor.
Well, I have great news: Trump will (maybe) leave a note. Through my many infallible and entirely imagined sources, I have obtained an OFFICIAL AND DEFINITELY NOT MADE UP draft of Trumps Inauguration Day letter to Biden.
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Dear LOSER!!
Welcome to the White House, you sleepy dope. I am leaving not because you beat me but because I choose to stop being president because I have already been THE BEST president in American history. Many have said that. I hear it all the time, people say, Sir, there has never been a president like you.
And I know theyre right. Ive accomplished more than any president in history, and I remain incredibly popular and everyone loves me, especially my late father. And also Lindsey Graham. Just ask him, he tells me that all the time. Hes a total loser, but he knows a good president when he sees one. By the way, I left a file about him in the desk here. It contains
some things, if you know what I mean. Just wave it around if you ever need to get him to do something for you. Hes like a trained dog.
Anyway, back to all the things Ive done that you will never match, and it wont even be close.
I built the big, beautiful wall to keep out the bad hombres. Nobody called them bad hombres before I did. I came up with that, and people love it. It was so smart. Some slobs said it was racist, but theyre racist. Im the least racist person Ive ever met. By far.
But yes, I built the wall. Some will say there are still hundreds of miles of open border, but I havent seen them so they doesnt exist. FAKE NEWS!
We have our great Trump wall, and do you know whos paying for that wall? Do you? Because actually, I dont. I kept sending the contractor bills in an envelope clearly marked MEXICO! but it just kept getting returned. Good luck with that.
Speaking of bills, Im gonna need you to pay Rudy Giuliani for me. Hes a great American patriot and represented me in all this RIGGED ELECTION stuff. He did a terrible job, frankly. I told him to find me fraud and he didnt find a thing, even though I know its out there because that guy from the pillow company told me it is.
Anyway, pay Rudy. The bill is in the desk by that file of stuff on Lindsey.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I accomplished so much. We have our great, great health care plan, which Ill be releasing in two weeks. It will be better than that disastrous Obamacare you idiots came up with. So thats coming up soon, since I can still technically be president if I want to, since I won, by a lot, and you lost. I beat you in a landslide, you know thats true.
Some losers in the media keep saying I should just say you won. They say crazy stuff, like that Im fomenting violence. What does fomenting even mean? I gotta ask Jared.
Speaking of Jared, can you give him a job? That would be a good way to unify the country, and frankly, I cant stand the kid. Creepy looking. I just had him around to keep Ivanka happy. Isnt she beautiful? Not sure what she sees in that skinny weirdo, but whatever.
Now look, I know youre going to screw up everything Ive done, and I want you to know this: I dont care. I just want to get down to Mar-a-Lago and keep bilking money from these rubes I sold hats to. So how about you give me a big pardon? Not that Ive done anything wrong, but just in case. You give me a pardon, Ill give you nothing and well call it even, deal?
I had Stephen Miller draw up the pardon papers. Theyre in that same drawer with the wall bills and the Lindsey dirt
sorry, I mean information.
Oh, speaking of Miller, there might be bags of human hair stashed in a few places. We tried to find them all, but hes pretty sneaky.
Good luck, dummy.
NOT!
STILL President Donald J. Trump
getagrip_already
(14,697 posts)He carved his name into the resolute desk with a knife and left a big fu in the desk draw drawn right on the wood with a sharpie.
and he probably left dirty diapers in the other drawers.