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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThe Jewish Space Laser Agency responds: We didn't start the fire
https://forward.com/opinion/463295/the-jewish-space-laser-agency-responds-we-didnt-start-the-fire/
We have witnessed some outlandish claims this week from Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene about the Jewish people and our space laser. The Jewish Space Laser Agency is the main body responsible for the Jewish Space Laser, and should be the first stop for responsible journalists seeking answers to questions about Jewish Space Lasers and all associated activity. Yet in the hours since the Congresswomans comments, we have received no calls. CNN, FOX, MSNB-whatever they never call! So, we are issuing this news release to set the record straight, once and for all.
The Jewish Space Laser Agency can not in any reasonable fashion be held responsible for the California forest fires of 2018/5758. If you examine the facts, you will clearly see that a number of other factors conspired to create this tragic mishigas. First, some background. The Jewish Space Laser is mainly reserved for use in important ceremonial and ritual observances, such as warming challah for Friday-night dinners, lighting Chanukah candles when we run out of matches, alerting New Yorkers to sales at Russ & Daughters, and helping Mrs. Glicksman find Airplane Mode on her e-reader.
Our space laser has a stellar record of more than 36 years of safe operation. (And its still single? One could say thats the real emergency). We have policies and procedures in place to ensure that focusing intense beams of light from beyond the stratosphere is only done in accordance with international safety regulations, and never on the Sabbath. We are still trying our best to piece together exactly what happened that caused this unfortunate fire.
The facts as we know are these: On that fateful weekend in 2018, the Levine family of Malibu approached us to be part of what would have been the worlds first circumcision by space laser. We were delighted to assist, as the space laser has always been used in a safe and menschy fashion, and we have learned some things since our attempt at making crème caramel for the Feinberg Bar Mitzvah. Our aim was very accurate for this most delicate of procedures. However, due simply to bad timing, Jeffrey Levinson, an intern (and a sophomore at Columbia single!), wanted to go out for a little walk and a snack at the moment of circumcision, and, in so doing, seems to have accidentally bumped against the Marilyn Z. Hermann Memorial Computer.
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The Jewish Space Laser Agency responds: We didn't start the fire (Original Post)
Celerity
Feb 2021
OP
Did anybody else hear Billy Crystal while reading that? No? No more late night spicey snacks for me.
Hermit-The-Prog
Feb 2021
#2
I clicked anticipating a Twitter account called @JewishSpaceLaserAgency or similar
RockRaven
Feb 2021
#3
Blue Owl
(50,325 posts)1. Bwah!
Hermit-The-Prog
(33,309 posts)2. Did anybody else hear Billy Crystal while reading that? No? No more late night spicey snacks for me.
RockRaven
(14,950 posts)3. I clicked anticipating a Twitter account called @JewishSpaceLaserAgency or similar
tweeting lines from the chorus of the Billy Joel song.....
Hekate
(90,616 posts)4. "Direct any tips to our hotline"...
This is wonderful. Destroy MTG with Jewish humor.
dutch777
(2,986 posts)5. Too funny! I expect if there was JSLaser...Rep Greene would be a crispy critter by now
Among others. I see a low rent dystopian society sci fi movie on this in the near future.
Brother Mythos
(1,442 posts)6. Looks legit to me.
I don't know about them, but I'd be awfully careful about honking off people who have a real, genuine space laser. Just sayin'.
AZ8theist
(5,447 posts)7. If you examine the facts,....
...you will clearly see that a number of other factors conspired to create this tragic mishigas.
burrowowl
(17,636 posts)8. Kick
Teddy Beer
(80 posts)9. Hmm, I Dunno
The guy who actually sang "We Didn't Start The Fire" is named Joel. . .
LetMyPeopleVote
(145,046 posts)10. I want this Button