Mom's 98 and not doing well

[Beatlelvr]

I'm her live in caregiver. Just in 10 days or so she's gone down physically and cognitively (is that a word?). Had a fall and landed on her butt, now has bad back pain. Before I got her out of bed she thought she was in a crowd and asking for my dad (passed in 88). We just got hospice who are great but no doctor visit yet. Thank goodness I have a supportive family. We are leaning towards a board and care facility, and hospice is researching for us.

Anyone have experience with a loved one in board and care? Please tell me it's a good thing.
Thank you for any suggestions/words of wisdom.

[Sherman A1]

1. Hope things go smoothly as they can

for you and your family.

[Walleye]

2. Very tough time, take care of yourself

[vlyons]

3. yes it is definitely a good thing

I am 74 and was in the hospital 3 times last year. Fortunately I am now in a Sr independent living facility. But I was in rehab twice. You Mom will need someone to give her meds if she can't remember what or when to take them, help her to go to the toilet, bathe, and maybe feed her, check her heart rate and blood sugar, take blood samples, etc. She may need a drip for fluids. And you need a rest. Medicare will help a lot.

[Beatlelvr]

7. Thank yoi

Yes they are already doing some of those things.
I just want her to be taken care of, comfortable and maybe be with folks her own age.

[Scrivener7]

4. Not sure what board and care is. My mom was hospitalized in a noisy ICU

for a while before it became clear she was never coming home. We transferred her to a hospice (live in - is that what you mean by board and care?) for the short time before she died. It was amazing. Calm, peaceful, comfortable for her. Wise people running the place who knew the processes of death and made it as easy as possible for her and they were profoundly supportive of us.

It was only for a few days, but man, was it a relief that she died there and not in the hospital.

[2 Meow Momma]

5. Caregiver for both parents for 8 yrs. Deceased now but both were

in home hospice patients. You won’t likely see a doctor, just nurses if you keep her at home. The nurses call the doctor if necessary.

It’s very hard. I hope for a peaceful transition for your mom...for her sake and for yours.

[MineralMan]

6. I'm sorry to read that.

I lost my mother and father, at age 96, around this time last year. For a while, my mother was in a nursing home or board and care facility. It was an OK facility, but after a couple of months, my father insisted that she come home. They had 24/7, live-in caregivers.

There is no good answer, I'm afraid. My mom got good care in both places. She had advanced Alzheimer's by that time, and did not recognize anyone at the time. Sadly, both got COVID, probably from one of the live-in caregivers. One of them tested positive about the same time my father did.

I don't think the outcome would have been any different, regardless of where they were receiving care, frankly. Being that age brings its own risks, and just about anything can lead to the end of life, sadly.

Weigh your own well-being and safety as part of the decision about what to do. The stress of being a full-time caregiver is huge. Whatever you decide, remember that life is transient in a person's 90s. That's important, because there are absolutely no guarantees with someone that age.

Take care of yourself.

[Beatlelvr]

9. Thank you so much

I agree with all you said. Mom's had a good life, was very social, played bridge, active in community. We belonged to a local walking group and took several European trips with walkers. Maybe all that walking prolonged her life a little. Just hard to see the decline.

[MineralMan]

10. It is very, very hard to see parents decline.

From my own experience, I really understand that. I live 2500 miles away from my parent's home in California. Due to COVID, I could not travel there towards the end. For several years, I spoke to my father daily on the phone and did my best to help him cope with things. After they passed, just an hour apart, I handled their estate, still remotely.

It has been a year, now. And what a strange, sad year it was, too. However, their quality of life had deteriorated to a huge degree. That helped to dull the pain of their loss a little. Still, our parents are people we all feel should be immortal.

Thank you for being a loyal caregiver. That's important. Even my daily calls to my father helped him cope, and they had good caregivers, as well. Again, whatever you decide will be OK, so think about your own well-being, as well. If you decide on a care facility, go and spend time with your mom every day, if you can. That will also ensure that she gets the best possible care. A daily presence by a family member keeps the staff on its toes.

[janterry]

8. You might want to ask some concrete questions about what they

think is going on. IME when my grandfather passed - they did NOT tell the family that he was actively dying. We set up everything so he could leave the facility to live with family (where he would be most comfortable). All of that misplaced effort (could have been spent with him - instead of trying to get things ready).

He did not make it to live with family.

I hate to be practical about the process - everyone is different - and (you already know this) people stabilize, too. But - that's what I wish we had done.

[babylonsister]

11. My friend's dad who lives here is 98 also.

He's taken his tumbles without hurting himself but now is hallucinating daily; they're chalking that up to old age and dementia. He's even called the police to get rid of the life-size cockroaches he's been seeing.

It's sure not easy; they are accomodating him at home but I realize that's not feasible for everyone, especially if they need nursing skills.

My heart goes out to you; parents are tough to deal with emotionally as well as all your other challenges.

[csziggy]

12. My family has used Hospice care three times - it is very good if you are in the US

Back in 1993, when my oldest sister was dying, there really wasn't a good hospice set up available. She died in a nursing home where she did get good care.

When my BIL was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, at the very end he got hospice care at home. He only lasted two weeks once he realized that the treatments he was getting were not effective and the family applied for hospice. The care givers were wonderful and they did excellent palliative care (reducing his pain level).

When my father was taken to the ER after nearly bleeding out (gastric ulcer), he spent two days in a regular room, then went under hospice care in the palliative ward of the hospital. Again, he got great care and reduced pain for his last week. He was 90 years old.

My mother had reduced mental function and we paid for care givers to help her at home. At the end she was diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer which we did not treat since her faculties were so reduced it would have been painful for her to get treatment that she did not understand. For the last six months of her life, hospice workers supplemented her care givers and Mom died in her bed, peacefully with no pain at 97.

Hospice care is wonderful, whether at home or in a facility. One of the big features - while Medicare requires a 20% co-pay, hospice does not. Various hospice services will provide assistance at home, in their own facility, or in a hospital.

Take care of your Mom and take care of yourself.

[malaise]

13. They're so vulnerable at that age but the best part of it

is that she has reached 98- shower her with love and make her comfortable.

[vanlassie]

14. Be aware that Medicare only pays for the

actual care- you pay room and board, which is substantial.