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Sat Oct 27, 2012, 04:57 PM

Mitt's Glasses: Lost & Found

{Note: The following “Breaking News!” is brought to you by the combined forces of The Glass Onion’s editorial and investigative staff. For those questioning if the entire report is accurate and true, I can say without hesitation that it is just as true as anything uttered from the mouth of Willard “Mitt” Romney during his three televised debates with President Barack Obama. Yours truly, H2O Maniac)


Los Paranois, CA: Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney filed a sealed motion in Superior Court for the safe return of a pair of eye glasses that he lost in August of 1969. The glasses, which were found at the scene of a multiple-murder at 10050 Ceilo Drive, have long presented a puzzle to police who investigated the Tate homicides. An unidentified source from the court reported that Romney’s sworn affidavit read, in part, “I paid very good money for those glasses. They are mine, and I want them back.”

Sources close to the Romney campaign have confirmed that the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department had contacted Romney in the late summer. While investigating tape recordings that Charles “Tex” Watson made with his attorney before being convicted for seven homicides, there was mention that Watson’s cousin, Mitt Romney, and his wife Ann had stayed with the Manson Family in Death Valley.

The Los Angeles District Attorney’s office confirmed today that both Mitt and Ann Romney are “persons of interest” in several unsolved homicides that involved other unidentified members of the Manson Family.

The Romney campaign’s spokesperson, speaking anonymously, said that “this is much ado about nothing. It shows just how desperate the Obama campaign has become in the final two weeks of this contest.” He further noted that while Mitt Romney did have “a close relationship” with his cousin Tex Watson, and did spend “summer months with Watson in the late 1960s,” that there is “a totally innocent explanation for why his glasses were found at the alleged murder scene.”

“While Barack Obama’s pals were busy playing Weathermen, Mitt Romney was serving his country. The only reason that Mitt was at 10050 Cielo Drive that night was to baptize the unfortunate victims of the reported crime,” the spokesman told reporters.

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