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PA_jen

(1,114 posts)
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 02:03 PM Nov 2022

My thanksgiving shock.

Forgive me if this is the wrong place to post. Not sure where to put it and if you will allow me I need to vent and if anyone can give advice I would be grateful.

Little Background. My husband had 2 siblings both have died, and they have died within 3 years of one another. Hubby's youngest sibling passing was very fast unexpected. The sibling was early 30s. Some of you may be aware of the issues with hubby's other sibling's issues. Diabetic with kidney issue-on dialysis and letter we found out due to her abuse substance abuse (alcohol- she had been given the nickname by her co-workers- the functional alcoholic- she developed calcification of brain she was finally declare incompetent to make medical decisions. Hubby's father who tried to ignore the issues didn't want to get involved finally petition the courts for custody knowing Hubby was going to try. But she passed basically 10 months after that happened -early 40s.

Don't get me started about the incompetence and lack of treatment by the local hospital.

Anyways Hubby's father -after his mother-Hubby's grandmother pass got his will in order. His estate would be split between the 3 kids and the stepmother. Hubby as the oldest was named as co-executor with the mother-in-law. Now the family home was supposed to the kids after Stepmother either because unable to live in the house, she passed or decided she didn't want to live there. One of the siblings could either buy out the other two and live there or it would be sold, and sell would be divided between the 3 of them.
After the death of the first sibling the will changed to reflected 3 ways divide and house would go to 2 remaining children. Then when the other sibling because incompetent will it was changed to give her 10 percent of the estate (she was in a nursing home so it would go to her care and needs.) the rest would be divided between hubby and stepmother. In all understandings (and perhaps we had been wrong) it was understood hubby would get the house once stepmom wasn't there in the house.

Thursday I am upstairs with the Stepmom with thanksgiving dinner (The kitchen is quite small, and I've told Hubby if we moved in I would like to remodel the house to an open concept between the living room and kitchen. remodel the footprint of the kitchen a little. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but we just happened to be talking one day.) So, she is "struggling" to cut the turkey breast - mind you I don't eat turkey or chicken but I do cook for hubby and his family from time to time but not this year. - She cut the turkey breast vertically in half and was struggling to make the horizontally. I finally asked Do you want me to cut it.
So I am standing beside her with a knife in my hand cutting the breast and I just asked Had she and the father ever thought of opening up to the living room. Her answer "Well, we had over the years but in 30 years one of her grandchildren can decide what to do with it.
I almost drop the knife and the fucking grin her face as I said but hubby is supposed to get the house. "Not in the latest will."

This woman for the pass 20 years (as long as I have been married to hubby) as whine and bitched that it was unfair, she wasn't getting the house. That it wasn't fair she wouldn't have anything to pass on to her grandchildren.) Hubby has said that his dad and her have gotten into fights about the house. (She is the second wife and moved into the house years after FIL bought it) My husband grew up in that house.

I was so stunned I couldn't think and all I could think was I need to tell my husband. I texted him whenever he was ready, we can go. We left within 30 minutes, and I told him. I asked if his dad had told him the will had been updated which he had been informed during or after all the updates. He said no but it is his father's decision which is correct, but I was angry as hell for my husband. After his parent's pass this house would be the last connection to his family in a sense, The least his father could have done was said look I've decided to give HER the house and here is why, but hubby is hearing this from me because SHE couldn't wait to gloat.

Yesterday morning Hubby got up and probably after time to process the information and he is now upset. He wants to wait for a time to ask his dad why this change he is also wondering what else was changed. Is he going to get less or anything? Did she get it all? I told hubby I know he is upset but when he goes to his dad be calm and explain how important the house was to him for sentimental reasons. He just said I know how I will approach his dad.

He hasn't talked to his dad yet, but should he wait for his dad to say something? Should he confront his dad letting him know SHE should wait to let us know she was getting the house.

I am thinking we should have a Lawyer at the ready in some way so that when Hubby's dad does pass (I pray it is 30 years from now -so he would be at 100. Keep in mind Hubby's dad is the first member of the family history to live pass 65 years -He is 71 now) and the will is finally read, and she starts contenting it we have back up ready.

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My thanksgiving shock. (Original Post) PA_jen Nov 2022 OP
There aren't any good or right answers here but the most useful thing would be to find out exactly WhiskeyGrinder Nov 2022 #1
Couldn't have said it better SickOfTheOnePct Nov 2022 #2
My thinking that if Hubby's dad leaves him with 10% of the estate have that PA_jen Nov 2022 #4
Thank you. I know we can't change it. I was nervous to have PA_jen Nov 2022 #3
I would be fake nice to her esp around your husband's dad womanofthehills Nov 2022 #14
I find re-writing to be a big help -- by numbering Tetrachloride Nov 2022 #5
I think Pa Jen was hoping for advice on the will situation, not formatting 🙂. MLAA Nov 2022 #7
Prior to seeing a lawyer, i make sure of what i wrote Tetrachloride Nov 2022 #9
My opinion, like others, it hubby should respectfully talk to his dad alone. Just the two of them. MLAA Nov 2022 #6
He wants to make sure his Stepmother wasn't around and I didn't get a chance to say PA_jen Nov 2022 #10
You did the right thing, for sure, I meant for hubby to catch his dad alone now that he knows what MLAA Nov 2022 #11
Thanks. I know I have no say in what happens to the Will only that hubby share the PA_jen Nov 2022 #13
Well, in my opinion, you don't know what the will actually says, and so, I would actually (if SWBTATTReg Nov 2022 #8
It is my husband's father so my father-in-law. We don't know how much the will has been PA_jen Nov 2022 #12
Well, I've put any beefs aside and still hope that a very long way in the future Backseat Driver Nov 2022 #15
I am sorry. PA_jen Nov 2022 #17
Good luck! mnhtnbb Nov 2022 #16
Thank you. I know. PA_jen Nov 2022 #18
A similar thing happened when my dad passed years ago luv2fly Nov 2022 #19
In your situation I'd no doubt feel much the same, including Hortensis Dec 2022 #20

WhiskeyGrinder

(22,147 posts)
1. There aren't any good or right answers here but the most useful thing would be to find out exactly
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 02:07 PM
Nov 2022

what the latest will says and then come to terms with it, because you can't change it. You don't know what the stepmom said was true. The next talk that should happen is between your husband and his father. I have seen a similar situation unfold and it was painful and full of resentment, and being the bigger person and letting shit go isn't satisfying but is often the only option.

SickOfTheOnePct

(7,290 posts)
2. Couldn't have said it better
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 02:12 PM
Nov 2022

Of course it’s disappointing, but FIL can leave the house to whomever he wants…it’s his house.

I agree that OP’s husband should talk to his dad, but absent some type of incapacity, the will is what the will is…not sure what food it would do to hire an attorney.

PA_jen

(1,114 posts)
4. My thinking that if Hubby's dad leaves him with 10% of the estate have that
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 02:18 PM
Nov 2022

lawyer available would be at the ready in case she contests Hubby getting that 10% and she wants everything.

PA_jen

(1,114 posts)
3. Thank you. I know we can't change it. I was nervous to have
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 02:15 PM
Nov 2022

hubby talk to his dad but I know I can't be with that woman again. She has said a lot of terrible things and I have swallowed my feelings but this for me is the last draw to even tolerating her.

womanofthehills

(8,584 posts)
14. I would be fake nice to her esp around your husband's dad
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 04:53 PM
Nov 2022

It’s his wife. If you ‘re not pleasant, he will choose her over you guys because his wife will be able to point out that you are not being nice to her.

I have lots of friends who were screwed over by 2nd wives and siblings. One second wife even forged her husbands signature - hid money overseas - to cut her step kids out of will. My friend had to hire a forgery specialist.

Legally- I doubt there is anything you can do if he was sound of mind when the will was changed.

Tetrachloride

(7,728 posts)
5. I find re-writing to be a big help -- by numbering
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 02:19 PM
Nov 2022

paragraphs and even individual sentences.

This is my general procedure and may not apply to you.

So, I would:

1. Paste the whole post into a word processor
2. Number every paragraph.
3. Add a title to paragraph(s)
4. Split every paragraph at least once
5. Re-read again.
6. Consult learned friends.
7. Then its lawyer time. Do not over-caffeinate prior to lawyer or any consult.

my 2 cents. Good luck. People do get greedy during house inheritance.

MLAA

(17,165 posts)
6. My opinion, like others, it hubby should respectfully talk to his dad alone. Just the two of them.
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 03:35 PM
Nov 2022

Best opening for him is ‘xxx mentioned at thanksgiving you were leaving the house to xxx’. Is that what you really want?’

Best of luck!

PA_jen

(1,114 posts)
10. He wants to make sure his Stepmother wasn't around and I didn't get a chance to say
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 04:20 PM
Nov 2022

anything to hubby about what stepmom-in-law said to me until after we left the house because I didn't want HER to make a scene or make it look like I was causing trouble.

MLAA

(17,165 posts)
11. You did the right thing, for sure, I meant for hubby to catch his dad alone now that he knows what
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 04:22 PM
Nov 2022

the wife said.

PA_jen

(1,114 posts)
13. Thanks. I know I have no say in what happens to the Will only that hubby share the
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 04:28 PM
Nov 2022

information with me. and if my hubby dies, I don't expect anything from my father-in-law. My husband did tell me that a while back and since he has type 1 diabetes if he dies before his dad that his dad at least help me pay off what is left on the mortagage. His dad gave him a nod. His dad is a man of few words.

I really didn't want to stir any pots since this will be the first Holidays as my husband being an "only child" but it looks like stepmother in law had no issue.

SWBTATTReg

(21,859 posts)
8. Well, in my opinion, you don't know what the will actually says, and so, I would actually (if
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 03:39 PM
Nov 2022

possible) to get a valid copy and examine it in detail. And the first thing I thought when I was rereading your story, is that was the Will competently written, that is, the Will could be thrown out, it's rather unusual (IMHO) that only one non-immediate family member (2nd wife of father) would solely get 100% of the proceeds.

Sounds rather farfetched and very biased. And who were the witnesses that signed it/the Will? I can't believe that the Dad would just leave everything to a 2nd wife and not leave anything for the kids from the original wife, I mean, yeah, I can understand some of it (wanting to give 2nd wife something, but not all of it). Sounds fishy IMHO.

If anything, perhaps get a valid copy of the will, and go to a competent lawyer and see what they say, it might be worth it. Of course, don't say anything to crooked 2nd wife of father, otherwise she'll get up to no good and perhaps do more damage. You didn't say anything really about the relationship between you and your father. I assume that if you're there for holidays and such, that you're on pretty good terms.

When my Mom died, her will was a mess and it was thrown out (that's what our lawyer said would happen). And we, as the four kids worked out everything fine, and my sister was an excellent executor. If anything, you should have the lawyer (if your father passes) go to court and declare you as the independent executor and freeze all of the assets of your father, until things get sorted out. Just IMHO.

I went through this process (processing a will) but it wasn't a hateful 2nd wife that I had to deal w/, it was a mother who had dementia (bless her heart) pretty badly and an alcoholic brother and alcoholic sister who gave her bad advice. Thank god I had one sister (and I) who were 'normal', down to earth (and an attorney who saw how woeful the rewritten will was (and the Judge too, later in court)).

Good luck to you all in dealing w/ this difficult situation.

PA_jen

(1,114 posts)
12. It is my husband's father so my father-in-law. We don't know how much the will has been
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 04:23 PM
Nov 2022

changed she only indicted that she will get the house now and not hubby.

Backseat Driver

(4,339 posts)
15. Well, I've put any beefs aside and still hope that a very long way in the future
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 05:27 PM
Nov 2022

my niece gets all the care she will always need. She is very developmentally disabled, but my sister's husband or husband's family will need to deal with that however it plays out. My mother requested no contact and, tired of her mixed messages, I obeyed her request over 30 years ago; my siblings took her side. Dad did too and left all to Mom on his passing. My brother never left home his whole life and made a deal with dad for free rent if he'd take care of mom. He did work at a comfortable living wage, lived frugally, never married, maintained the family home, and still managed to amass his own vehicles, savings, and assets. He and dad disinherited me and grandchildren in 2012 and hid the wills in the probate vault (revealed on-line upon their deaths); mom changed hers after a stroke at the age of 92 that put her in a care facility; when she had a second one she found herself across the hall from dear brother in hospice and chose, so I'm told, not to eat or drink so she didn't have to watch my brother die as well. He was dying of advanced NASH (liver disease), diabetes, and pancreatic cancer; nothing could be done about his LW&T of 2012 but he wanted to reconcile, I guess, to at least save his soul. Caretaker stress surely causes disease/death. I was happy to oblige (silly me thought it was authentic). Mom changed her will on St. Patrick's day, hand-written, (she didn't know the date, just the day, but it was legally witnessed) that made sure I was clearly disinherited while in care, without so much as a mention. I'll never know if encephalopathy was a diagnosed problem, but I do believe that my sister convinced my brother that a new LW&T would not be valid. I think my sister would have fought any changes dear brother would have tried to make because he wasn't of sound mind any longer(?) in order to change what he had previously made so clear in 2012...so "fierce mama" sister got it all last year - the family home, cars, furnishings, investment dollars, and cash, a pretty penny. To save my sanity and further drama with my sister--she was rather clear that me and the other grandchildren deserved nothing because mine were healthy and her daughter was not--I won't further try any reconciliation with her, my niece, or her husband...She never let me know when, day or time, he was to be interred--"it was quick," and didn't bother to speak with me at either of their funerals 3+ months apart, he at age 64. Even the pastor didn't name me or my kids as survivors. I suspect I'm lucky she even let me know mom and brother were both dying. I did my grieving for them all long ago, but the hurt remains. It was hard to believe they were registered Democrats...both fundie christians at the right-hand of Gawd, and an agnostic.

mnhtnbb

(31,319 posts)
16. Good luck!
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 05:28 PM
Nov 2022

My husband's father was 96 when he married his girlfriend of many years, who became his fourth wife. They married without telling my husband or his two sisters.

The father had originally set up a trust to split his estate three equal ways between his children. No house involved because the dad had sold it years previously when he and his girlfriend moved to separate apartments in an assisted living facility. The father told my husband that the many gold coins which were stashed in a safety deposit box (my husband was on the signature card) would no longer be left to him, but to the new wife.

Well, when the dad died, the wife not only wore one of the gold coins made into a necklace to the funeral, but also announced to my husband and his sisters that the trust had been eliminated from the new will AND everything divided between the sisters and the wife equally, with my husband given a nominal $10,000. bequest.

What a witch. By destroying the trust, more of the multi million dollar estate went to taxes. Eventually, one sister gifted my husband over several years a portion of what she had received to make up for the change in the will.

My husband had flown to Florida to get legal counsel when the marriage took place regarding competency of his 96 year old father who had resisted marrying this girl friend for years. He found out that basically if you can zip your pants, you're competent in Florida. The wife found out from the other sister --the one who didn't share--and that's when she became determined to have the will and trust changed.

Good luck. Your husband 's father has undoubtedly been worn down over the years by this wife. She will likely get what she wants. Better resign yourself to it.

luv2fly

(2,475 posts)
19. A similar thing happened when my dad passed years ago
Sat Nov 26, 2022, 10:55 PM
Nov 2022

Not the same mind you, but my sister and her husband (rabid republicans I might add) screwed my brother and I out of any inheritance, including the house. They had all sorts of imagined justifications and had known they were going to do this for years before he passed, of course not dropping a hint. When it all came down, my brother and I said goodbye in our own ways and never looked back. That was many years ago and aside from one wedding where I had to see them, we haven't talked since. I've made peace with it as has my brother, we have our own lives, we've made our own destinies, and the greedy can rot in the hell they chose.

Hortensis

(58,785 posts)
20. In your situation I'd no doubt feel much the same, including
Sat Dec 3, 2022, 03:25 PM
Dec 2022

the family home going out of the family to someone else's grandchildren too...

But we're from California, a community property state. The law says the surviving spouse to still "owns" everything he or she did before. That's what I'm used to thinking of as just plain right. Nothing just gets taken away willy-nilly (outrageous!!!), unless, of courrse, specifically written into a will. Certainly not the survivor's home!!! If my husband did that (he never would), I'd probably tell him to drop dead and leave.

And this involves her right to her home, a very emotional thing at all stages. If I were widowed, it would make me unhappy to know my home was no longer mine, even if the will did stipulate I had the right to occupy while alive. (Gee, how "good" of it!)

This was likely part of what contributed to her reaction to hearing you talk about what you'd do with her home when it was yours. You both have important, valid reasons for your reactions, but she still wants a friendly relationship at least, putting you guys way ahead of thousands of horror stories.

Whatever you decide, best wishes for coming to terms with this and keeping your family together.

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