General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsHad an encounter with a MAGAt yesterday and now the wife is angry with me
Let me preface this by saying that this happened after church -- immediately after this dude's wife gave a lovely sermon about our need to listen to God and help with healing people, feeding people, and meeting their needs in the spirit of Jesus' having compassion with people in the story of feeding the the 5000. (Iowa City location)
Someone else asked if he was voting for Kamala. He was rather non-committal. Then he said "Politics is too contentious with people on the extremes, I miss the days when people used to compromise and get things done."
Original woman said -- "YOu mean like the bipartisan border bill that Trump ordered republicans to kill after a Republican Senator from Oklahoma wrote it that had all the things the republcans said they wanted in the bill."
Dude says "I don't think it happened like that."
Original woman then says "You would vote for a convicted felon and rapist..."
Dude says -- "If they can go after Trump for that, then they could go after any of us."
I can't take it anymore and say -- "Yep, you're right. Who among us has not paid off a porn star over $125,000 for sex and then claimed it as a business expense. Yep, they could certainly get us all for that kind of fraud."
My wife yanked me away and said that I was being an asshole and that I wasn't going to change his mind that way.
My response -- " NOthing is going to change hs mind and I am sick and tired of them thinking they can't be fact checked when they lie all the time."
She was VERY ANGRY -- he was being respectful and you were a jerk.
Am I the asshole or is my wofe making excuses?

proud patriot
(101,526 posts)
k55f5r
(465 posts)And smell the coffee.
You can't let these people spread their lies without any consequences.
groundloop
(12,517 posts)Good for JT for telling it like it is.
calimary
(85,182 posts)And few people care to fact check or call em out for their bullshit. I suspect thats how the donald grew up and why hes BEYOND NAUSEATING today.
Beachnutt
(8,393 posts)you were just stating facts and trying to help the guy realize he is being lied to.
Nothing wrong with that.
Ferryboat
(1,106 posts)Wife needs to cut you some slack.
Well done.
ms liberty
(9,966 posts)My words and tone might have been worse than yours. I feel like my filter slips a lot now, and while I blame it on old age, I'm not actually that old yet
ArkansasDemocrat1
(3,213 posts)Conjuay
(2,280 posts)
JT45242
(3,135 posts)geardaddy
(25,381 posts)I get so frustrated with their idiocy.
NoRethugFriends
(3,166 posts)spudspud
(578 posts)Skittles
(161,825 posts)I don't get it
sorry, I went off topic
I always call those asshole hypocrites out - I never miss the opportunity so, good job
PoindexterOglethorpe
(27,172 posts)is perfectly fine to kill those whose beliefs you don't agree with.
CaliforniaPeggy
(152,956 posts)You're speaking the truth and she should be listening to that.
You were NOT being a jerk.
CrispyQ
(39,042 posts)IMO, we need to tell them when they're trying to defend the indefensible. Make them face up to it. Good for you.
Trueblue1968
(18,380 posts)regnaD kciN
(26,757 posts)NTA.
CaliforniaPeggy
(152,956 posts)Chellee
(2,231 posts)AITA = am I the asshole?
CaliforniaPeggy
(152,956 posts)Chellee
(2,231 posts)I have to google so many abbreviations.
ShazzieB
(19,413 posts)Last edited Mon Oct 7, 2024, 06:23 PM - Edit history (1)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole is a reddit community where people post stories like the one in the op, about a situation where they have been accused of being rude, mean, unfair, etc., and are looking for a second opinion. The post titles are in the form of "AITA for [doing or saying xyz]?"When people comment to express their opinions, the following abbreviations are used:
YTA: You're the Asshole
YWBTA: You Would be the Asshole
NTA: Not the Asshole
YWNBTA: You Would Not be the Asshole
ESH: Everyone Sucks here
NAH: No A-holes here
INFO: Not Enough Info
r/AITA can be fun reading, with questions that run the gamut of topics. Some sound a little too over the top to be quite believable, but the questions and ensuing discussions are almost always interesting.
From reading the replies here, I'd say the op has gotten a unanimous vote of NTA from this community!

IbogaProject
(4,062 posts)But I won't judge his wife as a courtesy.
Collimator
(1,875 posts)"My friend hit me in the face with a banana cream pie while I was wearing a $1000 silk suit just as I was on my way to a job interview and I'm allergic to bananas so I broke out in hives and now my friend says I made up the allergy just so I could steal focus from her during her engagement party and now I'm not sure that I want to pay $3500 to attend her destination wedding but I promised to do her hair and make up at my own expense. If I don't go, she will have to hire a hairdresser. AITA?"
Think. Again.
(21,382 posts)...and, in my opinion, was what got us this far into the mess we're in now, in the first place.
I am very happy to see that recently the majority of Democrats are taking a much firmer, no-nonsense approach, such as yours, when responding to rightwing B.S.
mountain grammy
(27,532 posts)and also guilty as charged..I'm changing thoough.. WOKE since 2016!
wife is wrong
DET
(1,841 posts)Good for you! These people need to be called out wherever and whenever possible. I can understand your wife feeling uncomfortable, but thats not your fault.
JoseBalow
(6,557 posts)If not, then you're OK.
magicarpet
(17,604 posts)Kind of like a mic drop,... but rather a testicle bounce, or a cookie crush.
It is long past time these haters of American Democracy be confronted for their fascistic propagandistic ways and proclivities to bend, distort, and contort the truth to suit or advance their narrowminded agendas.
Junipercity
(47 posts)We all have our moments. 😁
dalton99a
(86,459 posts)qwlauren35
(6,281 posts)But yes, you did sound sarcastic.
I think saying "Man, you're being lied to." would have been softer, followed by examples.
Or, "I have to agree with (the woman); I think you're being lied to."
I have often heard Republicans say that they are not treated with respect. They've been lied to. Grossly and repeatedly. Somehow, you have to start with that, with respect.
Would I say "asshole"? No. But I don't think you were open to dialogue.
yardwork
(65,459 posts)His statement about "any of us" was going too far. I think your response was on target.
However, you have to heal the situation with your wife. Maybe you could say that you're sorry you came off as rude, and ask her how she would have handled it. If she says she would have let it slide, that could lead to a conversation about when you as a couple, and as individuals, speak up.
badhair77
(4,752 posts)I can understand she doesnt want a confrontation at church but you didnt bring it up. You were supporting the woman who asked the question. You didnt say anything that wasnt true. I kept my mouth shut during his presidency. Im not doing it anymore. If people are going to stand with the felon they must understand that we think less of them.
ForgedCrank
(2,529 posts)I got was that the guy who didn't want to talk politics at church had a good reason to hold that opinion.
Bev54
(11,987 posts)Whether you were polite or not, I am with you on this one. If I was there I would have applauded you.
Attilatheblond
(5,108 posts)when he knocked over the tables of the money changers and read them the riot act.
One does NOT put up with lies, willful ignorance when a person should know better, nor hypocrisy, ESPECIALLY in church! Putting up with that crap is why that crap keeps happening, keeps getting worse, keeps becoming more and more detrimental to civil society.
Draw a line and hold the boundaries is the only way to not have our society trampled into the dust by the fools and tools who allow tyrants to gain power.
lostnfound
(16,840 posts)yardwork
(65,459 posts)FemDemERA
(454 posts)"All it takes for evil to prevail is
For good people to remain silent.
Prof. Toru Tanaka
(2,429 posts)Alliepoo
(2,627 posts)I wouldnt mind a bit if Mr Poo said what you said. Its time for us to step up and start pushing back and you did it very nicely.
Demobrat
(10,014 posts)while people spew right wing talking points in your face. Its too much to ask.
The situation with your wife is a different topic. Only you know how to handle that.
Emile
(32,440 posts)and the magic R.
Shermann
(8,823 posts)If he was feebly making counterarguments while trying to back away, it could be seen as a 2 against 1 political pile-on.
If he was proudly defending Trump and/or being a troll with the false equivalences, then maybe he had it coming.
There are a lot of conservatives in the church crowd, and you have to read the room.
yonder
(10,035 posts)stopdiggin
(13,335 posts)Picaro
(1,868 posts)Phoenix61
(17,948 posts)Long past time to call them out. As others have already said, playing nice is partly what got us here.
Joinfortmill
(17,228 posts)Tell your wife she is a lucky woman.
czarjak
(12,641 posts)My motto.
FakeNoose
(36,578 posts)I'm not disputing anything you said, because you are absolutely right.
But in that situation, the woman had already begun the little disagreement with the guy, and the guy was trying to be polite and not get engaged in an argument. For you to step in at that point, it looks like you're ganging up on the guy. I know it wasn't premeditated, but what is the guy going to think?
To him it probably looked like you and the woman were both jumping on together. That's why I would have stayed out of it. After church isn't really a good time for political arguments.
mountain grammy
(27,532 posts)DFW
(57,192 posts)So why does your wife think its OK for him to try to change yours?
barbtries
(30,172 posts)you brought the truth. thank you for doing that. since their minds can't be changed, i say go ahead and rain the truth on them. even if he is a diehard cultist, in the space with other people, maybe you got one or two thinking yeah, maybe TCFSF is not the right choice. Maybe I'll vote for the woman after all.
can't hurt to try. and, every time they spread this propaganda they do hurt people, and the country. so no, you are not the asshole. not at all. he was
Trueblue Texan
(3,158 posts)Why should we pretend that someone so vile is in anyway acceptable. If we do that, then we are part of his enablers.
StarryNite
(11,260 posts)You're at church and the guy is standing there lying. Or maybe he does rape women? So maybe he thinks you all do? Maybe he is a convicted felon? So maybe he thinks you all are?
ItsjustMe
(11,971 posts)LoisB
(9,437 posts)DownriverDem
(6,741 posts)Is your wife a trumper? If not, she needs to fight like hell for our side.
canuckledragger
(1,992 posts)Ferrets are Cool
(22,080 posts)There were Germans who did not speak up and see what happened to them.
Roc2020
(1,720 posts)She will get over it. You stated facts.
Blue Dawn
(970 posts)....I would have been proud of you.
I applaud you. sir.
dchill
(41,304 posts)We're talking decades.
Marcuse
(8,132 posts)Wiz Imp
(3,687 posts)At this point, misinformation & disinformation should not be accepted from anyone. Misinformation & disinformation should always be countered with the TRUTH.
soandso
(1,631 posts)at church, of all places, is highly inappropriate. But, then, I don't go to church so there's that.
Aussie105
(6,731 posts)My wife is, anything I do needs to be criticised, anything I say is open to misinterpretation and revision, in great detail.
Sad that some wives do this, but there you are.
My wife does it for control, but the OP's wife is more likely angry because hubby 'made a scene' in public.
I have some one liners that help defuse (confuse?) a scene in public that stops some arguments in their tracks.
To someone pushing religion at me: 'Blessed are the peanut farmers, for they shall inherit the Earth!'
To someone getting wound up and wanting to argue: 'Did you know brasil nuts grow on trees but peanuts grow underground?'
In both cases, walk away while they are confused. lol
Batshit_Bruin_CA
(68 posts)What would Tim Walz do, or say? (Or at least your best approximation of what you think he might say).
As a side note, I worked for 4 years in Iowa City-- very nice people, almost Canadian, they were so polite. Having lived and worked on both the East Coast and the West Coast, I found that I had to re-adjust my social filters and listen very carefully, in case what they were actually telling me was "No", about whatever I had just asked them.
In Iowa City, sometimes I found driving through residential neighborhood challenging in terms of dealing with 4-way stop-signs. Waving, "After you!" "No, you go first!" "Really, after,you!" (Third driver): "Meep!" (Timid beep, meaning: 'somebody go already, hey guys?')
Of course that was more than 15 years ago, so possibly things have changed a bit from my sentimental recollection. But I think you have your answer now.
Conjuay
(2,280 posts)I haven't talked to our neighbor who put a trump sign in his yard... Don't recall if it was 2016 or 2020- but there are billions of people on this planet; I don't need to talk to a shit head.
soandso
(1,631 posts)IMHO. I don't like it.
Then he said "Politics is too contentious with people on the extremes, I miss the days when people used to compromise and get things done."
Original woman said -- "YOu mean like the bipartisan border bill that Trump ordered republicans to kill after a Republican Senator from Oklahoma wrote it that had all the things the republcans said they wanted in the bill."
Original woman started the fight. At church. With someone who clearly did not want to fight. Tacky. I would have stayed out of it. You can fight elsewhere.
Bettie
(17,725 posts)He won't change his mind, but maybe someone else will think about it.
Figarosmom
(4,432 posts)Guy thought that argument was valid. Everyone should hope that if one committed fraud or rape that the law would indeed go after them. I don't think magas have the ability to resolve problems in their head. They just cannot comprehend how to problem solve w/ o being told an answer which they seem to accept w/o question as to rather its the right or wrong answer.
Martin Eden
(13,821 posts)I'm not a churchgoer, but I apply that principle when I'm with my senior softball team. We all get along great, but odds are some of my old white guy teammates are Trumpers.
The evening of the Harris-Trump debate, a teammate I formerly held in high regard remarked to me in passing as he left softball practice early "I'm going to watch Camel Toe get her ass kicked."
I was so disheartened when I heard that, but I said nothing and I don't plan to.
yardwork
(65,459 posts)Your teammate's remark was vulgar and sexist, at the very least. What if you'd said, "Whoa. That's not cool."
Sometimes silence is complicity.
Martin Eden
(13,821 posts)There was really no time to respond as he was walking past me. If I had verbally reacted, absolutely no good would have resulted because my words would have been more triggered than thoughtful.
It caught me by surprise. If I had time to consider a response (keeping this in mind for next time) a good reply would be something like Please, no politics. Chances are some of our teammates are on the other side of this, and we don't want to change the good feelings we have for each other.
If he wants to have a private conversation on this I'll be as polite and calm as I can, but if starts spewing MAGA bullshit I'll find it very difficult to keep my cool.
iemanja
(55,540 posts)The conversation was going on in front of you. The guy was already spewing his garbage. You made a point. That's not rude.
relayerbob
(7,097 posts)piddyprints
(14,886 posts)calling your wife "the wife." I'd have a problem if my husband ever referred to me that way, but I see it a lot and I guess it's ok with some people. Besides, I got confused because originally I thought "the wife" referred to the dude's wife.
As for the rest, sounds like the dude was the asshole first and you were just correcting his misconception. His "If they can go after Trump..." line was very provocative. Yes, they can and would go after any one of us for doing the same thing. He was an asshole for going there and definitely required some more accurate clarification.
So you get a pass from me (as if you need it) for all except calling your wife "the wife." She's YOUR wife, is she not?
3catwoman3
(26,160 posts)Ive never heard a woman say the husband. Never ever.
c-rational
(2,909 posts)flying_wahini
(8,047 posts)People who play nice LOSE. I think we need more of us to SPEAK UP.
If we havent learned anything you need to remember that we have played nice for decades and not calling Trump out (and his nasty cult) for all the YEARS of lies got us here.
Call them on it every time.
Every Damn Time.
SomedayKindaLove
(1,108 posts)My word. Things getting saucy at the steeple.
I dont think youre an asshole but sometimes it might be best to pretend you are. As the saying goes, if momma aint happy aint nobody happy.
drmeow
(5,445 posts)I'd be standing right next to my partner with my arms crossed, tapping my foot, and looking at Dude with a "how you gonna respond to THAT, dipshit?" look on my face!
Of course, if I said something like that my partner would yank me away with a "you are going to get yourself beaten up or killed!" remark.
ProfessorGAC
(71,564 posts)...but she's wrong.
Assuming your version is exactly as it occurred, the guy started with misinformation when he stated "it didn't happen like that" when it's exactly how it went down.
The guy was looking for an argument & he got one.
Different Drummer
(8,993 posts)You are NTA!
Playingmantis
(312 posts)Years ago people thought it would do no good to stand up to those that called black people hateful names, and I can remember people satirizing the idea of a woman as President..or even working as an executive in business.
This shit did not change by itself but by millions of people lending their voices to put a stop to this.
It's like I told my grandson who says its no use to try.,.you are like a raindrop ..Individually you might not make much of a difference but taken together all those raindrops can wash away a city or even a nation..Your voice is not alone..
Like my wife, she probably hates confrontation but sometimes you gotta fight and that time is now!
GoodRaisin
(9,862 posts)right after he gave you the politics are too extreme line he exposed himself as an extremist himself. And when he said that he didnt think it happened that way someone needed to ask him then how he thought it happened.
I understand, some things just piss you off and that guy was a fraudulent lying magat prick.
TomSlick
(12,150 posts)He may not know that he's an idiot and should avoid speaking in public. It was your duty to try to protect the guy, and his poor wife, from his ignorance.
Nimble_Idea
(2,494 posts)I would have said the same thing, and do...but in a joking/sarcastic way.
No point getting worked up, because you said it.... ain't no one changing SHIT
This Nov is a roll call.
But it needs to be repeated wherever it can:
"Yep, you're right. Who among us has not paid off a porn star over $125,000 for sex and then claimed it as a business expense. Yep, they could certainly get us all for that kind of fraud."
DontBelieveEastisEas
(1,211 posts)genxlib
(5,788 posts)It was $130,000.
How dare you discount the value of a good porn star pay off.
I lied. You were spot on. Of all the places on earth, these people need to be reminded that they are supporting a fundamentally immoral person. Political positions aside, they need to get off their high horse and get smacked with every bit of the hypocrisy it takes to set all that aside. Especially while at church.
You are 👌 in my book
augyboston
(292 posts)Javaman
(63,346 posts)Zilli
(286 posts)Or just an appeaser and apologist?
BradBo
(700 posts)jcgoldie
(12,046 posts)I mean if we were rapists, right?
MineralMan
(148,475 posts)Kaleva
(38,906 posts)I really try and avoid confrontation or escalating a situation .
SunSeeker
(54,604 posts)Dont get me wrong, that dude was spouting false Trump talking points. He deserved that and a lot more.
But you don't change minds that way.
You could have said it a little less combatively, more in the form of question like, "But how could this happen to any one of us? We don't engage in this kind of blatant fraud. We don't pay off porn stars to hide affairs from the voting public, then write it off as a business expense. Why do you think this could happen to you?"
Saying it that way may have started a conversation...maybe a chance at getting through to him. But resorting to sarcasm just shuts people down and creates enemies. Your wife didn't want enemies, I imagine.
Hieronymus Phact
(531 posts)You can say any vile thing to anyone, BUT YOU MUST HAVE A SMILE WHEN YOU SAY IT!
StFrancis1
(8 posts)Period.
hurple
(1,334 posts)Ar this point, if theyre5supporting the orange shitgibbon you should be an asshole to them. They deservento be treated like the trash they are at this point, after 8 years of his racism, hatred, misogyny, and bullying... all in plain sight and all over tv. If they still support that, they are just as much scum as he is and deserve every ounce of scorn we can give.
wiseowljedi
(77 posts)The ultimate hypocrisy of these so called Christians is their support for an evil unchristian man. They don't care about leading a Christian life. They just want control and power. To support total evil shows they have learned nothing about their Saviour's teachings.
SocialDemocrat61
(3,488 posts)You were standing up for the truth.
MorbidButterflyTat
(2,669 posts)show your wife this thread, for her enlightenment.
LakeArenal
(29,938 posts)As a bystander, it wouldnt be anything I would want to hear from either of you
Gilbert Moore
(220 posts)They will pave the streets with the polite. . . This is showtime, for real.
karynnj
(60,109 posts)I assume this is your church and the minister is obviously for Trump. It might have been better to simply back up the woman's excellent question on the border bill. His response shows he supports Trump, but feels it is more effective to back Trump positions while not overtly backing him.
She stated everything well, but his completely vapid response could neutralize what she she said because of his position. If anyone in the crowd was still looking at both candidates, the border is a huge issue and the fact Trump sank a bill that was partly written by very conservative Senator Langsford is worth pointing out. Maybe pointing out they could look at Langsford's comments before Trump told Republicans to vote against it.
You were in a tough position. As the religious leader, the minister IS an opinion leader and his political position is NOT consistent with the sermon he preached. Trump does the opposite of all he called for. I suspect that he hoped to confuse listeners with his response to the convictions which WERE related to paying off Daniels with the election charges where he might be minimizing to just not believing he lost. Yes, his logic there is not just built on sand, but quicksand.
I wonder if your wife might have felt that his responses were kneejerk defensive because he was choosing voting Republican over his own values. He is not going to change. At this point, to the congregants listening it is probably not Trump or Harris, but whether they rally around their spiritual leader. Your wife, who I assume agrees with you on the election, might also value belonging to the church community.
I obviously know nothing other than what you wrote. I have had conversations with a good friend from Indiana, who has been horrified by the political drift of a church she attended until a few years ago when she left for another church.
JT45242
(3,135 posts)I have served on the green chalice committee with his retired monster wife. So I know her much better than him.
quickesst
(6,309 posts).... as they say, "in front of God and everybody", even if it only makes you feel better for having said it, which is likely all you're going to get when confronted by a wall of near impenetrable willful ignorance.
nini
(16,776 posts)Never play nice with fascists
AverageJoe
(2,369 posts)Acquiescing to the lunacy of the right only makes us weaker and them stronger. Im sure your wife is a lovely person, but you were not only in the right, you were heroic.
PatrickforB
(15,162 posts)they devoted the time Trumpy chickened out on giving them, they had this lady from AZ who is an election denier. She is absolutely impervious to facts. Nothing, and I mean nothing that 60 minutes asked her, no amount of fact checking changed her utter certainty the election was stolen.
Fox, X, AM talk radio and other social media sites have essentally created a cult-bubble where people in this bubble don't get any information about anything but the constant echo of conspiracy theories.
On a positive note, I think Trumpy has finally crossed the line with everyone not in this Trump-cult bubble with his lies about FEMA. We may be coming to our very own 'Alas, sir, alas - have you no decency?' moment. It is a moment that will force the Republican party to cleanse itself. We are already seeing this.
But because of gerrymandering, the electoral college and the primary system we have in place, we cannot cleanse ourselves of crazies like MTG, Boebert, Jordan, etc. This is why a number of states, including my own state, have ranked choice primaries on the ballot. Neither party seems happy with it, but if we want to elect people who actually listen to everyone, and put people in office who are sane and care about the people they are serving, this may be the way to go.
Martin68
(24,952 posts)factually incorrect statement. And then you left. I'd say you handled it with a minimum of fuss
stopdiggin
(13,335 posts)Way this is written up, a pack of you ended up dog piling an attendee after a church service. (almost certainly because his positions are known ahead of time?) Guy probably would have been happy to be left alone ... So who's being belligerent and confrontational here? AND at church ... Probably going to be a while before wife wants to go anywhere with you ...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
SupportSanity
(1,264 posts)Not that you were wrong,
You are NTA. He was not being respectful, he was lying, and defending a criminal.
MiHale
(11,251 posts)I couldve added sooo much more
at very high decibels
when confronted with them Im a self admitted asshole
and I dont care.
KT2000
(21,173 posts)MAGAS are normalizing criminal behavior. We have to stop being so polite so - good job!!
LymphocyteLover
(7,317 posts)BrownsFreak
(1 post)just curious..
is your wife a trump supporter? 🤔
hadEnuf
(2,957 posts)idea what you are talking about. But they believe they do.
Getting information from FOX and other right-wing sources literally have people walking around in a different reality. Right-wing media lies without hesitation and makes it sound truthful enough that willing people believe what they are telling them. People insulting your intelligence is not being respectful to you, even if they are not in your face.
Perhaps strong words might make them question the stupor that they are walking around in, but don't hold your breath.
They are brainwashed.
brush
(58,795 posts)DiverDave
(5,040 posts)EOM.
LastLiberal in PalmSprings
(13,089 posts)Thank you, Ron White.
Evolve Dammit
(20,022 posts)