The Great Republican Dirt Clod War
Gather around, kids, and I'll tell you about something that happened a long time ago. Way back in 2013. In Washington, DC, the Republican members of the House of Representatives were in a big fight about something or another. It doesn't really matter what the fight was about, really. But they were mad at each other and it was time to pick new leaders for the next session of Congress.
Well, it looked bad for the normal way of picking people like the Speaker of the House. Normally, you see, those Republicans galoots just had an election and the one who got the most votes got to be the speaker. There in 2013, though, things weren't hardly normal at all. The Republicans still had a majority in the House of Representatives, but President Barack Obama had handed them their asses on a platter at the end of the previous session, and they were having trouble telling their asses apart, it seemed.
Then, little Eddie Cantor got an idea. He stood up just as tall as his little legs would let him and said, "Let's settle this with a dirt clod fight, just like we did when we were kids!" After they scratched their heads a little, the other Republicans started nodding, and pretty soon, it was decided that dirt clods it would be. All the Republicans went out with paper grocery bag into the lawns and shrubberies and had their staff members and interns pull up dirt clods, with the grass or shrubberies still attached and fill up their grocery bags. Then they returned to the House Chambers, where they formed groups of like-minded colleagues, and hid under their desks.
At the front of the chamber stood Johnny Boner (you're supposed to spell it Boehner, but nobody does), the current Speaker. He had the biggest desk of all, and had plenty of top quality clods, all gathered by his loyal staff people. He banged his big gavel on the desk and yelled, "Go!"
Well, an hour later, the House chamber was covered with dirt clods and clumps of muddy filth. The Republicans were sporting black eyes and cuts, and generally looked to be in need of a hot bath and a good ear scrubbing by their mothers. And the oddest thing of all was that they still didn't know who the Speaker was going to be, despite the dirt clod war. But, they'd have to settle that another day, since it was supper time, and everyone was ready for a nap.
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having trouble telling their asses apart
Some things just don't ever change......
