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Fri Apr 19, 2013, 09:23 AM

Colbert and Borowitz: U.S. now safe from maniacs

Colbert: U.S. now safe from maniacs wielding gun control bills

Thursday night on “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert congratulated America on being safe from maniacs wielding gun control bills and gave special thanks to the U.S. Senate for standing up to grieving families to protect that which is most precious of all, their NRA ratings.

“Nation, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that it is a proud day to be an American,” Colbert said. “Because thanks to a minority in the U.S. Senate, we no longer have to live in fear of some maniac coming after those we love with a gun control bill.”

The country should be proud of the Senate’s ability to stand up to “the grieving families being used as props by Generalissimo Glock-Snatch over here,” he said, referring to President Barack Obama’s decision to allow the families of the victims of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary to lobby Congress directly.

“Luckily 45 brave Senators stood tall to protect what they hold most precious,” Colbert quipped, “their ‘A’ rating from the NRA.”

He went on to salute the four Democrats who joined the Republican effort to quash universal background checks, including Alaska Democrat Sen. Mark Begich, who said, “It’s dangerous to do any type of policy in an emotional moment.”

“Yes,” said Colbert, “true leadership is waiting until the moment has passed. That’s why I’ve always believed that we should have waited until 1950 to declare war on Japan.”



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the halls of the United States Senate, dozens of Senators congratulated themselves today for having what one of them called “the courage and grit to stand up to the overwhelming wishes of the American people.”

“We kept hearing, again and again, that ninety per cent of the American people wanted us to vote a certain way,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). “Well, at the end of the day, we decided that we weren’t going to cave in to that kind of special-interest group.”

“It was a gut check, for sure, but we had to draw a line in the sand,” agreed Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S. Carolina). “If we had voted the way the American people wanted us to, it would have sent the message that we’re here in Washington to be nothing more than their elected representatives.”

Calling yesterday’s Senate action “a bipartisan effort,” Senator Mark Pryor (D-Arkansas) said, “This proves that on a matter that affects the safety of every man, woman, and child in the nation, we can reach across the aisle to defy the interests of all of them.”

Senator McConnell agreed that yesterday’s vote “sent a powerful message,” adding, “If the American people think that just because they voted us into office and pay our salaries, benefits, and pensions, we are somehow obliged to listen to them, they are sorely mistaken.”

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