Feeling as if I am 4 yrs. old.

[janlyn]

Last edited Sat Jun 22, 2013, 12:39 AM - Edit history (1)

Incredible that know matter how well you have prepared yourself for the inevitable death of a parent, the immanent reality reduces you to to the emotional level of a child.
My father who will soon be 80 has been fighting a drug resistant bacteria for 2 yrs. now. He has had septicemia twice and for anyone who knows about that, also knows that the survival rate of someone my dads age is less than 30%.
My dad is one tough man and has fought the good fight. But today the doctors told me dad has hit the wall. The antibiotics are not working anymore. I have watched dad weaken for the last 6 mo. and knew this was coming. Dad has a advanced directive and today he asked me to not let anyone over ride his do not resuscitate order. I ,as always assured him I would not let them do that, he said he hoped I didn't think him selfish. Oh, man that conversation was tough. But tomorrows will be tougher. I sit here tonight waiting for family to arrive from around the country and then we will gather and talk to dad about hospice care.
It is his decision and we will honor what he wants.
What is mind blowing to me is the lack of understanding of some of the people here at the hospital. I had a nurse today ask if I wanted to over ride dads order and, when I said absolutely not, I was given a go to hell look. As if I was some horrible monster!!

I love my dad with all my heart and, no matter how old I am I will always be his baby girl. I know I am doing the right thing for dad. I may not like it, but to keep him here against his wishes would be the most selfish act ever. So I will hold him and, tell him I love him and do the selfless thing and let him go.

I just have to add that the love and support that each of you have shown is overwhelming!!! Thank you all for the thoughts and good wishes!!! Bless you, Bless you, Bless you!!!

[beveeheart]

1. You and your father are very brave.

Peace be with you.

[Fumesucker]

2. ...

[MannyGoldstein]

3. My heart is with you

Very, very difficult stuff. But you obviously have a good heart, and that's the best guidebook of all.

Peace to you and your family.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. You are absolutely doing the right thing!

And shame on that nurse. You are not a horrible monster; that nurse is.

We must honor what our loved ones want at the end of life. Advanced directives are (I believe) legal documents.

It is HIS life, and he decides what he wants to do with it.

Blessings on you both...

[NRaleighLiberal]

5. my thoughts are with you...and yes, few things are as disorienting.

The day I got the phone call that my dad had a serious stroke, nearly 7 years ago, was a life-changing moment. He survived only 2 months (mercifully) - that two months was utter hell for my mom, brother and I and at times we all felt like helpless, lost children. My wife, an RN, was a rock - she provided so much clarity, strength and support - she will never know how much she gave us all to help us get through the ordeal.

I still miss my dad, but it gets better - he is part of me, on my mind when I garden, or hear a silly joke. They say tragedies make us stronger - not sure about that, but they do make us tougher - and wisdom and self awareness come along as well.

[dawg]

6. Much love to you and your family.

[JaneyVee]

7. So sorry. Stay strong. Peace & love.

[Mz Pip]

8. You are honoring your father's wishes

It's never easy to face the inevitable, trust your judgment and cherish the time you have left.

[elleng]

9. You are doing the right thing, janlyn.

I'm sorry for your father's long struggle but glad, as he is, I am sure, that he's had you with him.

Hospice will be good, and much better than such that you saw at the hospital.

[redwitch]

10. So hard.

You are honoring his wishes, he has fought the good fight but it is time. But so, so hard.

[Mnemosyne]

11. ...

[winter is coming]

12. It can take a lot courage and sensitivity to respect someone's final wishes.

I have no doubt that your dad appreciates you more than ever, for being there for him.

[Triana]

13. You're doing the right thing. This is what advance directives are for...

...and they should be honored as you are doing.

Keeping him here against his will would be torture for you, your family and him.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, though and sending you wishes for strength and peace.

[jimlup]

14. My best wishes for you, your dad and your family

My own dad is 81 and I can't imagine losing him. Thankfully, he is as "healthy as an Ox."

[we can do it]

15. My mom went into anaphylactic shock at the start of a chemo-treatment.

We had to leave her side while the nurses tried to reverse it. Her doctor came out and asked if we honor her dnr. I spoke up and told her of course we do. A few minutes later we heard laughing from behind the door. Apparently the epinephrine worked, she came around. The doc asked her, "Mrs. P is anything bothering you right now?" My mom said "you are!" at which the whole room erupted in laughter. She lasted a few more months.

[Just Saying]

16. Shame on anyone who gives you grief for respecting your father's wishes.

You are his advocate and I'm sure it gives him some comfort to know it.

Sending good thoughts to you and your dad.

[Hydra]

17. Stay strong

And let him die in peace. It's hard to let go, but we all have to die at some point and it should be our right to say "I'm ready."

And ignore the people who don't understand- he's your loved one.

[Warpy]

18. Being there at the end is so important

I honestly don't think I knew my dad all that well until the last few weeks of his life. Now I miss him every single day.

You will get through this and eventually you'll manage to grow up again.

[we can do it]

19. Good for you. Hugs and peace to you both.

[murielm99]

20. I understand.

My dad just died this week. No heroic measures were taken, as he chose. He died at home, with hospice workers attending him.

I don't think it has sunk in yet for me.

I hope it gets easier for you.

[kanda]

24. peace

Peace be with you, murielm99.

[janlyn]

31. So very sorry

Muriel. I wish I could give you a hug in person!!

[BrotherIvan]

43. Kind thoughts and healing to you

I hope it gets easier for you as well.

[NYC_SKP]

21. My mom went under hospice just three weeks ago. You're doing the right thing.

And, hopefully, your hospice care workers will be as kind and understanding as my mom's were.

[janlyn]

35. all good thoughts for you and your mom!!!

It is tough but I did it with my mom and I don't regret for a minute the experience! It is heart wrenching, but with the help of the right people it can also be a beautiful experience.I held my mother while she took her last breath and I will gladly do the same for dad!!!

[LittleBlue]

22. Just forget that nasty lady at the hospital

What an insensitive *****.

My heart goes out to you. The fact that family is coming from all over the country indicates he lived a very full life.

Cherish your final days with him, I never got a chance to say goodbye to mom.

Good luck, janlyn

[reflection]

23. Very brave man.

And you are a great daughter.

[kas125]

25. Oh, Janlyn, my heart is breaking for you and I know exactly how you feel.

I took care of my dad for the last eight and a half years of his life, he died in October. It's so hard, even though it's the natural thing that we outlive them. You are doing what he wants and that's what matters. Sending you lots of love and good vibes...

[tblue]

26. I can't think of a more loving gift.

That nurse should be reprimanded. I would hope my kid would do the exact same thing for me that you are doing for your sweet dad. Take good care, sweetie. Hugs.

(btw, I buried my dad 10 yrs ago. I never had to make a decision for him about hospice but I hope I'd have had the strength and wisdom you have. I want my family to be crystal clear about my DNR wishes. It's never too soon or too late to talk about that.)

[Chaco Dundee]

27. I feel for you

Went through that with my mother a year ago.they recussitated her anyway,though all papers where signed by my Sister her legal guardian and by myself.mother is still here,84 years old,avanced Alzheimers and no quality of life at all.

[janlyn]

32. that is not right!

And that is dads fear as well. I promised him that if they ignore his wishes that I will pull the plug myself and prison be damned! My thoughts are with you!!!

[Chaco Dundee]

45. I feel for you

I wish you all the luck and hope all turns out well.

[Iwillnevergiveup]

28. Our parents

took care of us, and now it's up to us to take care of them. You are honoring that perfectly, janlyn, and while yes, there is sadness, there will be no regrets. Hospice is a wonderful option for your dad and family, you will see. His remaining days will be among his best as he is made comfortable and surrounded by people who love him. You are all brave hearts.

[RedCappedBandit]

29. You are doing the right thing.

Don't you doubt it for a second.

[cry baby]

30. Janlyn, I totally understand. My dad is in almost exactly the same place

in his final phase of life. He is weakening quickly and he is anxious about dying. I've left my home in Tn to live with him and my mother in Tx. We've had several difficult conversations. He has rejected hospice at this time. I'm not sure he will ever agree to hospice. He gets platelet transfusions about every week. With hospice, he would have to give those up. He's just not ready to do that. I understand and certainly will go with his wishes.

I'm an only child and I've had many issues with Dad over my lifetime, but it's very hard seeing him suffer while fighting so hard for life.

I am so very sorry you and your dad are going through such a hard time.

(((((Hugs)))))

[janlyn]

34. So sorry for you also!

The hardest thing for me is seeing him afraid. I imagine that is what your dad is going through. I wish you the best! And remember to take care of yourself also, being a care giver can be emotionally exhausting.

[cry baby]

36. Yes! That is the hardest thing for me, too.

I'll be thinking of you and your dad. I hope for him a peaceful transition into whatever is beyond. I hope for a peaceful transition for you, too, after your dad is gone. It's going to be a very different world for us when our parents are gone.

[dkf]

33. Oh no!

My dad had a really scary bout with septicimia too, and he went through different antibiotics til they finally found one that worked.

I hope and pray that your Dad recovers and that his doctors have gotten it wrong. They say that sometimes when you go into hospice you actually recover because they concentrate on your comfort and well being.

[ReRe]

37. Peace be with you and all of your family...

Many of us here on DU have gone through what you are going through at this moment. Yes, Hospice will be sure he is comfortable and give him Angels care. Again, peace.

[LoveMyCali]

38. You are absolutely doing the right thing

even though it's a really hard thing to do. I'm convinced that hospice nurses are angels in disguise, you will get the support you need from them.

[Lugnut]

39. I know how difficult this is for you.

It's so hard to face losing a parent. You are your father's advocate and he's depending on you to make sure his orders are followed. You are doing the right thing because you love him. I hope you both find peace.

[nolabear]

40. Be at peace. You're doing what you and he deserve.

You deserve to live and stop living in your own way. As do we all.

[Samantha]

41. Always remember

if you find you have trouble getting through this, there is always professional help to assist. One never really gets over losing a parent or a child; one just learns to live with it. You find as time goes by that you remember the good times, the wonderful little things, and the essence of the person you loved and lost always stays with you. In that way, you will feel the presence of your father at times you most need him to be around. The physical him of course is gone but the essence of him will always be with you.

There are seven stages of grief one must pass through when losing someone so close. I wish I had known that when I lost my father, but I did not learn this until years later. It took me two years to get back to being myself. And I felt terribly guilty about some of the phases I passed through. Years later, when I found out about the seven stages of grief and got some excellent books, I discovered all of those feelings I had, all of the stages I went through and carried guilt about, were very normal.

But today when I think of my father or look at a picture that I was finally able to put out, I think of all the wonderful gifts he gave me over time to prepare me for life. All of this will come to you as well if you just let it. And always remember that while one may lose someone irreplaceable, the love itself never dies. That love for your father will always stay with you and you will feel the glow of the love he carried for you.

Peace be with you at this difficult time.

Sam

[Nay]

42. Ah, you poor wee thing. You are doing exactly what your beloved dad wanted, and that

nurse who gave you the stink-eye has cooties.

I am so sorry your dad is losing the fight. But we all lose this fight.

[BrotherIvan]

44. I am so glad your father has the courage to make decisions with you

I just went through this with my mother who passed in May. Hospice was the absolute best decision. They were compassionate and responsive. They are a great help to the family as well. When you are in a hospital setting it is very cold and clinical, but hospice is much more about quality of life and caring for a person, not a disease.

My mother rescinded her DNR at the last moment because she was afraid. The hospice nurse talked to me about her own experience with her father who didn't have a DNR. My mother had sepsis and her organs were shutting down over the course of 20 hours. She would have been taken to the hospital, put on life support and then it would have been up to me to pull the plug, though she was truly gone. Instead of letting someone pass peacefully and in the least amount of pain, the family is put through the pain and guilt of thinking they are responsible for killing their family member. Or heroic measures which are very brutal. Thankfully, my mother died at home and the paramedics who were called according to her wishes pronounced her and did not insist on taking her to the hospital.

I hope you get a chance to spend as much time with your father and family as possible. It is hard to let go, and yes, I felt like a tiny child by my mother's death bed. You are not alone and everyone here is sending you love and support for what you're going through. Feel free to come here and vent any time. You deserve care and nurturing too as this must be a stressful time. I wish you the very best with all of my heart.

[janlyn]

47. Many thanks!!!

I was overwhelmed by the caring of my fellow Du'rs. And thanks to you for your kind words! As a high functioning autistic, it is never easy to express my feelings.
With family it is easier, but I really felt so alone last night and I was so grateful to have a place that I could express what I was feeling.

Having been with my Mum at her passing, I guess I believed I was prepared for this. Boy was I wrong!!

Thanks again!

[BrotherIvan]

54. You're never prepared

And sometimes you feel like a lone speck in the universe. But best of luck to you and your father on this journey. And please, come back any time. This is the hard stuff and it's always good to get even just good wishes.

[Sweet Freedom]

46. So sorry.

You do exactly what your dad asks you to do and don't worry about that nurse. She's more interested in making money for the hospital than keeping in line with your dad's wishes. My grandma had a DNR and we were shocked when her caregivers ignored it.
Hang in there. You are doing a good deed, even though it is painful.

[pipi_k]

48. I believe that

we should honor the wishes of our loved ones, no matter how difficult it may be.

My dad was on life support for ten days with (among other things) septicemia. Before going into a coma, he had told my stepmother he didn't want to be in a hospital. He wanted to die quietly at home. He could have had his wish with hospice care, but she chose to let him stay hooked up to machines to prolong his life in a most undignified way.

She took very good care of my dad for the 30+ years they were married, but that is the one single thing I hold against her. She didn't let him have a peaceful end in his own home.

That was in 2002.

In 2005, when my MIL was living with us after breaking a second hip, she was having all sorts of issues. She was 93. She told us she did not want to die kicking and screaming. Her own doctor would NOT sign her over to hospice care even though the usual prognosis for hip breaks is six months or less. It took an astute ER doctor to sign her up for hospice care in our home. She was taken off all her meds except for painkillers. She died very peacefully one morning as Mr Pipi and I held her hands. No machines. No tubes down her throat. Just peace.

this is the ending I wish my dad could have had.

And as painful as it will be for you, I do hope it's the same peaceful end your dad will have.

Hugs to you...you are doing the right thing, IMO.

[elehhhhna]

49. inviting you to ignore his order is a craven attept at

business development....sales, if you prefer. There's big money in end of life overtreatment, and yet the result never changes. Don't let your extended family cow you, either. Be strong - you know in your heart what you must do. xox

[MadrasT]

50. I am so sorry

My parents are declining too and it is scary

[malaise]

51. You're doing the right thing

My brother wanted us to override mom's DNR and we told him to shut up and enjoy her last few days. The staff at that New York hospital were amazing.
Losing a parent is hard - their age and our ages are irrelevant

[Buns_of_Fire]

52. You've done the right thing. Sometimes it isn't easy.

I was in a similar situation when my mother died a little over a year ago. All of a sudden, you're put in a position of having to make a life-or-death decision, and no one's going to make it for you. It's a lonely feeling. But know that your father would approve and be proud and thankful that he raised such a good and caring and strong child.

[PotatoChip]

53. Best wishes to you janlyn.

I know this must be very hard, but you are definitely doing the right thing.

You have my sincere thoughts and condolences at this difficult time.

[timdog44]

55. I can only say I totally understand your situation.

I have been through it more than once. And being a RN and having a fellow RN try to over ride our wishes made me very angry. I can only suggest to get Hospice care involved. Best to you.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

56. we are all with you

try not to let the idiots get to you too much. They are everywhere. At a hospital, you'd think they'd know better, but that's not the case.


We here will lend you our strength

[Demoiselle]

57. I am very moved by your father's concern that his do-not-resuscitate order is "selfish."

Of course it's not selfish! What a good, kind, bright man. How lucky you are to have each other!