Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution

[zappaman]

AUSTIN, TX—Following state senator Wendy Davis’ successful filibuster of sweeping abortion restrictions last night, disappointed Texans told reporters they are looking forward to tonight’s scheduled execution of convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy to cheer them back up.

“I was completely devastated after learning that abortion providers throughout the state would remain open, but thankfully, there’s nothing better to lift up our spirits than an old-fashioned execution,” said Fort Worth anti-abortion activist Caroline Hinton, who added that the impending lethal injection of McCarthy was “more than enough” to put a smile back on her face.

“And as soon as I remembered that the state of Texas is preparing to take a woman’s life this evening by strapping her onto a gurney and shooting a cocktail of deadly chemicals into her arteries, I just perked right up and put those failed abortion restrictions out of my mind. And it’s our 500th execution, too, so it’s going to be a real celebration! I guess this week won’t turn out all bad after all.” At press time, Hinton reported feeling “even better” after learning that Governor Rick Perry is expected to call a special session to reintroduce the anti-abortion legislation and that political analysts say it will likely pass.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/texas-abortion-opponents-to-cheer-selves-up-with-e,32973/

[geek tragedy]

1. Didn't think it was an onion piece at first nt

[HockeyMom]

2. "Death" before birth is illegal

"Death" after birth is just fine.

[still_one]

3. Ya gotta a love those good Texas "Christian" republicans

[Brickbat]

4. Heh.

[iandhr]

5. You beat me to it

I posted the same article 30 after you

[Zorra]

6. The disturbing thing about this particular

satire is that it unquestionably generally characterizes the actual consciousness of many conservatives.

[LWolf]

7. The worst thing about this is that

it took several seconds after reading for me to look for the link to see if it was the onion.

[2ndAmForComputers]

8. What tipped me it was the Onion was the use of "Selves." That's their favorite phrasing.

EDIT: After "Area Man," of course.