Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian

[ErikJ]

Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian


10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

http://www.evilbible.com/Top_Ten_List.htm

[janlyn]

1. AMEN!!

Oops, did I say amen? I didn't mean it in a fundamental christian way!!

[NightWatcher]

2. They scream against Sharia Law

But then they want everyone to go by their fundamentalist rules or be jailed/executed.

[BrotherIvan]

3. #1 is the ticket

I am absolutely AMAZED at the ignorance and rewriting of the bible and history by fundamentalists. I think the look on my face must be one of shock and horror when I hear them spew some of this stuff. I honestly have never heard of it before. Or when driving through red states, listening to these preachers on the radio, making stuff up about Satin and Jeezus whole cloth. The evangelicals/fundamentalists of today don't worship any recognizable form of Christianity but instead have started some offshoot cult. Mormons are actually closer and you know how they feel about them. Truly, truly puzzling.

[Initech]

4. They make repeated comparisons to gay sex and bestiality.

Despite that there's zero scientific evidence backing up this claim.

[ErikJ]

6. And a zygote is a human when the Bible says

says in several places that it is not a human until it is born and draws its first breath.

And then saying abortion is murdering babies when it says in the Bible:

Psalms 135;8 & 136:10 Here god is praised for slaughtering little babies.

Psalms 137;9 Here god commands that infants should be “dashed upon the rocks”.

The murdering of children:

Leviticus 20;9 “For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.”

Judges 11:30-40 Jephthah killed his young daughter (his only child) by burning her alive as a burnt sacrifice to the lord for he commanded it.

Psalms 137:8-9 Prayer/song of vengeance “0 daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”

[RC]

14. And... The Christening, the naming of the baby did not take place until 30 days after the birth.

So many babies died during that period. Most of natural causes and infections. Some, not so natural. Either way, it was not much of an legal event.

[Scuba]

5. "If you actually believe that your eternal fate, for good or evil, depends on you being right ...

"If you actually believe that your eternal fate, for good or evil, depends on you being right, it becomes essential that everyone who thinks differently is wrong." Richard Holloway, Bishop of Edinburgh, retired.

[flying rabbit]

8. CAN I GET A WITNESS!

[Arugula Latte]

9. I was going to say that I'll never understand the ways they must twist their brains into pretzels

to believe this stuff, but then I realized a brain full of twisted and folded tissue is actually a good thing because it helps with transmitting information. Therefore I'll say that their brains must be as smooth as baked potatoes to believe this stuff. Just trying to believe the basic premise of a 2,000-year-old carpenter/supernatural guy magically returning to Earth to "save" people would be enough to make my brain short out.

[tclambert]

12. Son of a carpenter, adopted son at that.

And he died on a big piece of carpentry. That could have been awkward.

"Papa Joe, you didn't build this, did you?"

"What, I'm gonna turn down a good money job? Don't they say the Romans always pay their debts? Or is that the Lannisters?"

[Arugula Latte]

13. "I do good work, too. Look at these nicely fitted dovetail joints, son."

"You're not going to find this kind of quality on some of those other crosses."

[tclambert]

16. "Think I could win the Spartacus contract? You know what 50 shekels times 5,000 crucifixes is?"

"You want I should tell your mother we can't afford a vacation in Boca? You know what a temper that woman has? What am I gonna do when she gets all holier than thou?"

[Half-Century Man]

10. The weird part to me is the unending recrutment...

The team with the most players at the end wins?...wins what?...little trophies for each player?

When will they learn "fuck off" means "fuck off".

[Owl]

11. K&R!

[Politicub]

15. #11 - the first thing you think of when you hear about marriage equality

Is marrying your kitteh

[Thav]

17. As Ghandi said

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians."

It always makes me die a little inside when a "Christian" says or does something against the teachings of Jesus, or they take a portion of the Bible as law, cuz it's in teh bibal, but then they scoff at other parts that don't please them.

[Electric Monk]

18. Or, as Ambrose Bierce said

“Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.”