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SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:17 PM Jul 2013

Now I'm the bad guy...

Last edited Thu Jul 25, 2013, 12:08 PM - Edit history (1)

At a recent family get together I discovered my cousin who is 30 years old needs a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately, it seems no one , not even her mother and sister are a match. Well when I went to another part of the house where I was alone ,she followed me and said she wanted to talk to me. She started speaking about her health but said soon she will start deteriorating if she doesn't get that transplant. I told her I would go through the test to see if I'm a match.She thanked me. Then out if nowhere she asked me if I knew who her father was? I was shocked cause I assumed she knew.She told she has asked her mother so many many times but she refuse to tell her.She said her mother told her she didn't need to know. She said she implored her mother to tell her cause now he could be a possible match .So I told her who he was and even where he lived.I told her he owns a store and where.She asked me to drive her there....NOW! She said she had nothing to lose ...but her life.So I took her to his store that his family has owned for years. I left her in the car and went in to talk to him. We knew each other since we were kids.But he was puzzled by my insistance to talk to him. I told him why I was there and who was in the car.I didn't even go into the " where have you been all her life"?. He got into the car and talked for hours.I just sat in the store talking to his family. When they finished talking he thanked me but I could see he was kinda choked up and crying a little. When we left she said he was going to visit her tomorrow and she said he promised her he will be tested.After the reunion was over I received so many nasty phone calls from my family ,especially her mother telling me to mind my business. I don't feel bad .If I'm the bad guy so be it.He might be a match and save her life



******* I have read all your replies and thank you for your support.I've been crying about this and now I'm just waiting to see if he is a match for her. She did tell me that even if he isn't a match someone in his family could be. She also said even if the worse happens she's happy to meet her dad.*****

54 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Now I'm the bad guy... (Original Post) SummerSnow Jul 2013 OP
If he's a match they'll quiet down. JNelson6563 Jul 2013 #1
This message was self-deleted by its author LumosMaxima Jul 2013 #2
You did EXACTLY the right thing, and thank you! CaliforniaPeggy Jul 2013 #3
agreed. the mom is so selfish she is putting her own shit over her daughter's life roguevalley Jul 2013 #19
+1, there's no other way to say it! Scootaloo Jul 2013 #28
In my opinion you did the right thing. (n/t) spin Jul 2013 #4
It sounds like the whole extended family knew who it was, everyone but her??? reformist2 Jul 2013 #5
... and was willing to let her die by ignoring that he might be a needed match. DRoseDARs Jul 2013 #38
Tell the family to take a flying fornication at a rolling doughnut Warpy Jul 2013 #6
jesus caught a lot of shit for doing the right thing, too elehhhhna Jul 2013 #7
I'm glad you did what you did w/o knowing the particulars. The two babylonsister Jul 2013 #8
You did the right thing. Being a mom does not entitle someone to cooperation in a cover-up. JVS Jul 2013 #9
You & her dad may have saved her life Triana Jul 2013 #10
There is only so many ways to say "you did the right thing" izzybeans Jul 2013 #11
Well done. Baitball Blogger Jul 2013 #12
And even if he's not a match, she is sick. She could die. DevonRex Jul 2013 #13
Exactly. At 30, the daughter's rights begin to trump the mother's Yo_Mama Jul 2013 #21
To know she DevonRex Jul 2013 #40
You are not the bad guy. prole_for_peace Jul 2013 #14
I'm on YOUR side. n/t cherokeeprogressive Jul 2013 #15
You did the right thing, you are not the bad guy Bettie Jul 2013 #16
Just as there is a time to lie, there is a time to break promises. randome Jul 2013 #17
My question is why would they let her die instead Cleita Jul 2013 #18
If he's a match, you may have saved her life Yo_Mama Jul 2013 #20
Another thing, too... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #33
Congrats on being the only one who did the right thing! ManiacJoe Jul 2013 #22
PS: The mind your business thing Yo_Mama Jul 2013 #23
Yup. n/t jtuck004 Jul 2013 #44
You made the correct decision. They_Live Jul 2013 #24
Never having been in your situation I can't say how I'd react. Savannahmann Jul 2013 #25
You did the right thing...my sister-in-law passed away a few years ago.. HipChick Jul 2013 #26
You did the right thing dusty trails Jul 2013 #27
one's pride before one's living child is wrong. you did right. NuttyFluffers Jul 2013 #29
You did right Spirochete Jul 2013 #30
The right thing was done. Obviously if anyone had been in her shoes they would have done southernyankeebelle Jul 2013 #31
You followed your heart Aerows Jul 2013 #32
Nope. You're the good guy in all that Captain Stern Jul 2013 #34
Sometimes doing the right thing gets you nothing but crap hobbit709 Jul 2013 #35
What a sweet and wonderful thing you did. flying_wahini Jul 2013 #36
Wow, sounds like they want your cousin to die. How incredibly cruel of them and kind of you. nt valerief Jul 2013 #37
You did good. If you're religious, I think that Jesus would approve. nt Buns_of_Fire Jul 2013 #39
You totally did the right thing! avebury Jul 2013 #41
No. . .you did the right thing. You can look yourself in the mirror and say Nanjing to Seoul Jul 2013 #42
Sorry to be rude in your time of need... Rebellious Republican Jul 2013 #43
You. Done. Good. DeSwiss Jul 2013 #45
If you're the bad guy, then you're Spiderman Kennah Jul 2013 #46
my heaven05 Jul 2013 #47
You are definitely NOT the bad guy. elleng Jul 2013 #48
the mother is the bad guy and the one who is wrong JI7 Jul 2013 #49
Why would a mother with a very ill child NOT want her to know who her father matthews Jul 2013 #50
You minded you business, it is the rest of the family that refused to The Second Stone Jul 2013 #51
There's a saying - you are ohheckyeah Jul 2013 #52
i think you're the hero in the story and so does everyone else here. good job. n/t orleans Jul 2013 #53
Sounds like a wonderful thing for those two. roody Jul 2013 #54

JNelson6563

(28,151 posts)
1. If he's a match they'll quiet down.
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:20 PM
Jul 2013

If he's not, it was still worth a try. I'm glad somebody cared more for this poor cousin of yours than about keeping a really old secret.

Good work!

Julie

Response to SummerSnow (Original post)

CaliforniaPeggy

(149,297 posts)
3. You did EXACTLY the right thing, and thank you!
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:23 PM
Jul 2013

My god! I cannot believe the family is making you out to be the bad guy. You are NOT.

He could well be a match, and even if he isn't, she should know who her father is.

 

DRoseDARs

(6,810 posts)
38. ... and was willing to let her die by ignoring that he might be a needed match.
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:39 PM
Jul 2013

Getting matching donors in anything is difficult, and the wait itself can often be fatal. It is inexcusable that they reacted in this many. Perhaps this poster could have handled this in an alternate manner that would have kept the meeting secret, but in no way were they wrong to do it. Shame on the family.

Warpy

(110,900 posts)
6. Tell the family to take a flying fornication at a rolling doughnut
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:26 PM
Jul 2013

because this is just so not their business.

You can always ask them if they'd prefer she die over getting to know her sperm donor father, that's really a good way to shut them up.

Transplantation medicine is absolutely screwy. Even when the DNA proves people are related to each other, the only match might be somewhere in Europe.

I hope this works out for her and for everybody. You did a very good thing, even to giving them privacy to talk this stuff over.

 

elehhhhna

(32,076 posts)
7. jesus caught a lot of shit for doing the right thing, too
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:27 PM
Jul 2013


Seriously, it's not okay for her mom to deny her this POSSIBLY LIFESAVING information.

Keep courageous. You're good.

babylonsister

(170,962 posts)
8. I'm glad you did what you did w/o knowing the particulars. The two
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:32 PM
Jul 2013

parties that really mattered appreciated your help. That's all that matters. And 30 years old? She needed to know, especially if he was so accessible. Good job!

 

Triana

(22,666 posts)
10. You & her dad may have saved her life
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:42 PM
Jul 2013

If they can't see the value in that maybe they have issues. But maybe their issues shouldn't trump her life.

izzybeans

(7,180 posts)
11. There is only so many ways to say "you did the right thing"
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:47 PM
Jul 2013

My wife had a simialr experience. The good people among those you may have angered will soon realize they are really just mad at themselves, because they know deep down they are wrong.

DevonRex

(22,541 posts)
13. And even if he's not a match, she is sick. She could die.
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:56 PM
Jul 2013

She wanted to know. She met her father. He met her. That's important.

Yo_Mama

(8,303 posts)
21. Exactly. At 30, the daughter's rights begin to trump the mother's
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:05 PM
Jul 2013

And if she's facing the possibility that she may die, she had a very strong right to that information.

How would you have felt if you hadn't told her?

DevonRex

(22,541 posts)
40. To know she
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:42 PM
Jul 2013

could go to her grave without knowing, without meeting him. Horrible. And if he found out after she died that he might have saved her but never had the chance to try or even to say hello? Devastated.

prole_for_peace

(2,064 posts)
14. You are not the bad guy.
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:56 PM
Jul 2013

The bad guys in this story are the ones that would keep a secret this big from someone who has every right to the information.

Bettie

(15,997 posts)
16. You did the right thing, you are not the bad guy
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 09:59 PM
Jul 2013

In fact, you are a very good guy, someone I'd hope my boys grow up to be like.

 

randome

(34,845 posts)
17. Just as there is a time to lie, there is a time to break promises.
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:01 PM
Jul 2013

Even implied promises.

Of course you did the right thing.
[hr][font color="blue"][center]I'm always right. When I'm wrong I admit it.
So then I'm right about being wrong.
[/center][/font][hr]

Cleita

(75,480 posts)
18. My question is why would they let her die instead
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:02 PM
Jul 2013

of telling the truth? My family was weird with skeleton in tne closet secrets, but when the time came that something had to be told to save a family member, they swallowed pride or whatever it took to help.

Yo_Mama

(8,303 posts)
20. If he's a match, you may have saved her life
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:03 PM
Jul 2013

And if he's not a match, then your very ill cousin had a right to know about her father.

It is also possible that other of her father's relations may be a match.

You are not the villain here.

 

awoke_in_2003

(34,582 posts)
33. Another thing, too...
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:24 PM
Jul 2013

is possible future health problems. Family history is good to know do you can try to prevent future problems, like if your family has a history of diabetes. If you know ahead of time, you can do things now to protect against it.

Yo_Mama

(8,303 posts)
23. PS: The mind your business thing
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:09 PM
Jul 2013

It's so bogus it's scary.

She asked you directly. That faced you with an ethical dilemma. I think you did the right thing.

But even if someone else doesn't believe that you did, the last thing justified is to say that you were butting in. She asked you very directly and insistently and she had a pressing immediate reason to make the query. The burden was upon you to tell or not tell, and it WAS YOUR BUSINESS. The people saying that should mind THEIR OWN BUSINESS. They are the ones butting in, not you.

 

Savannahmann

(3,891 posts)
25. Never having been in your situation I can't say how I'd react.
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:14 PM
Jul 2013

However, I'd like to think I'd respond the same way you did. Putting the life of family before the desire of others to keep a secret.

HipChick

(25,485 posts)
26. You did the right thing...my sister-in-law passed away a few years ago..
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:15 PM
Jul 2013

I tracked down her father and brother...her mother is divorced from her father, and they decided not to let him know. I thought it wouldn't be right, to not let him know that his own daughter died, and let her brother know that his sister passed. They robbed them of their time to grieve. Not only was I called names, but they even abandoned their 9yr old grandchild, my sister-in-law kid was 9yr olds at the time, and could have done with some support from her grandmother. Forget my feelings, but who abandons a child like that, after her she watched her mother fade from life from cancer?
 

southernyankeebelle

(11,304 posts)
31. The right thing was done. Obviously if anyone had been in her shoes they would have done
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:23 PM
Jul 2013

the same thing. Shame on the mother. If she loved her daughter she would put her daughter above the hate she has for the father.

 

Aerows

(39,961 posts)
32. You followed your heart
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:24 PM
Jul 2013

did the right thing, and the people condemning you for it are the ones that should be ashamed of themselves. You stepped up to the plate, they just let themselves strike out.

For what it is worth, I would do the same. When people try to interfere with others that are trying to do a *GOOD* thing, like saving a life, I suggest they have an ulterior motive and a deep dislike. I'm not accusing your family of such, just pointing out the obvious.

I'd do the same because my family members are precious to me, even when I'm not precious to them.

Captain Stern

(2,195 posts)
34. Nope. You're the good guy in all that
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:25 PM
Jul 2013

But plenty of other folks have revealed themselves as bad guys/gals.

Good luck to you.

hobbit709

(41,694 posts)
35. Sometimes doing the right thing gets you nothing but crap
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:27 PM
Jul 2013

But you did the right thing and that's what counts. Karma is on your side.

avebury

(10,946 posts)
41. You totally did the right thing!
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:45 PM
Jul 2013

It is horrible to think that your family was more concerned about keeping your cousin's father's name a secret then being concerned about her health. As an adult, your cousin has every right to know who her father is and to make contact with him and his family. If her father is not a good bone marrow transplant donor, perhaps someone else on his side of the family might be.

 

Nanjing to Seoul

(2,088 posts)
42. No. . .you did the right thing. You can look yourself in the mirror and say
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:46 PM
Jul 2013

"Today, I earned my spot in Heaven."

Heartwarming what you did. . .I wish my family was like that, but I've been estranged from them for a number of years now.

 

Rebellious Republican

(5,029 posts)
43. Sorry to be rude in your time of need...
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 10:50 PM
Jul 2013

As I always say, fuck them, do what you feel is right!!! Keep your focus, do the RIGHT thing. For whatever it is worth, you know what you have to do. God bless you!

 

DeSwiss

(27,137 posts)
45. You. Done. Good.
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 11:28 PM
Jul 2013

When you stand up for TRUTH you can never go wrong. Personally, I'm sick of LIES. And of those among us who continually accept them, excuse them, and look askance from them. Particularly when they come from our leaders. They lie to us because they know we lie to ourselves.

- You stopped a lie. Well, done.

K&R

Kennah

(14,115 posts)
46. If you're the bad guy, then you're Spiderman
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 11:51 PM
Jul 2013

Derided as a villain by those who don't get it, but hailed as a hero by those who do get it.

 

heaven05

(18,124 posts)
47. my
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 11:56 PM
Jul 2013

my father would never tell me who my mother was. Leaves a hole in one's life. You did the right thing. I applaud you.

elleng

(130,126 posts)
48. You are definitely NOT the bad guy.
Thu Jul 25, 2013, 12:16 AM
Jul 2013

I can understand that her mother didn't want it to be known over the years, but can hardly understand now, in these circumstances.

Best to you and your cousin.

 

matthews

(497 posts)
50. Why would a mother with a very ill child NOT want her to know who her father
Thu Jul 25, 2013, 12:20 AM
Jul 2013

is if he could do something to save her life? That just does not make senses whatsoever.

And it's a good thing that you did. Apparently the father wasn't all that upset (I mean about you telling her who he was). And I would think that he would be the only one with a right to be upset, no one else.

You're the kind of person I would want for a cousin. The rest of the family who were willing to see me suffer could go to hell. Those other people should hang their heads in shame. You're the only one who showed any decency or compassion in the whole mess (beside the father, or course).

Sometimes people have to make hard decisions. The way they chose says a lot about them. You are a person of character and compassion. And also the only one with an ounce of brains.

You should be proud of what you did. If I were in a fix like that, I certainly hope that I would have a cousin or a friend exactly like you who would help me like you helped your cousin.

You did good. You did very very good.

 

The Second Stone

(2,900 posts)
51. You minded you business, it is the rest of the family that refused to
Thu Jul 25, 2013, 12:21 AM
Jul 2013

take care of business. Doing the right thing doesn't mean that those who are benefited won't be furious. I've learned that the hard way many times.

It was not the decision of your mother or your aunt to make. It was yours and your cousin's. Just because they are ashamed of their lives doesn't mean you have to let your cousin down.

ohheckyeah

(9,314 posts)
52. There's a saying - you are
Thu Jul 25, 2013, 12:28 AM
Jul 2013

as sick as your secrets. Obviously, the family keeping secrets have become so sick that their pride and their secret is more important than a life.

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