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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsNow I'm the bad guy...
Last edited Thu Jul 25, 2013, 12:08 PM - Edit history (1)
At a recent family get together I discovered my cousin who is 30 years old needs a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately, it seems no one , not even her mother and sister are a match. Well when I went to another part of the house where I was alone ,she followed me and said she wanted to talk to me. She started speaking about her health but said soon she will start deteriorating if she doesn't get that transplant. I told her I would go through the test to see if I'm a match.She thanked me. Then out if nowhere she asked me if I knew who her father was? I was shocked cause I assumed she knew.She told she has asked her mother so many many times but she refuse to tell her.She said her mother told her she didn't need to know. She said she implored her mother to tell her cause now he could be a possible match .So I told her who he was and even where he lived.I told her he owns a store and where.She asked me to drive her there....NOW! She said she had nothing to lose ...but her life.So I took her to his store that his family has owned for years. I left her in the car and went in to talk to him. We knew each other since we were kids.But he was puzzled by my insistance to talk to him. I told him why I was there and who was in the car.I didn't even go into the " where have you been all her life"?. He got into the car and talked for hours.I just sat in the store talking to his family. When they finished talking he thanked me but I could see he was kinda choked up and crying a little. When we left she said he was going to visit her tomorrow and she said he promised her he will be tested.After the reunion was over I received so many nasty phone calls from my family ,especially her mother telling me to mind my business. I don't feel bad .If I'm the bad guy so be it.He might be a match and save her life
******* I have read all your replies and thank you for your support.I've been crying about this and now I'm just waiting to see if he is a match for her. She did tell me that even if he isn't a match someone in his family could be. She also said even if the worse happens she's happy to meet her dad.*****
JNelson6563
(28,151 posts)If he's not, it was still worth a try. I'm glad somebody cared more for this poor cousin of yours than about keeping a really old secret.
Good work!
Julie
Response to SummerSnow (Original post)
LumosMaxima This message was self-deleted by its author.
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,297 posts)My god! I cannot believe the family is making you out to be the bad guy. You are NOT.
He could well be a match, and even if he isn't, she should know who her father is.
roguevalley
(40,656 posts)shameful
Scootaloo
(25,699 posts)spin
(17,493 posts)reformist2
(9,841 posts)DRoseDARs
(6,810 posts)Getting matching donors in anything is difficult, and the wait itself can often be fatal. It is inexcusable that they reacted in this many. Perhaps this poster could have handled this in an alternate manner that would have kept the meeting secret, but in no way were they wrong to do it. Shame on the family.
Warpy
(110,900 posts)because this is just so not their business.
You can always ask them if they'd prefer she die over getting to know her sperm donor father, that's really a good way to shut them up.
Transplantation medicine is absolutely screwy. Even when the DNA proves people are related to each other, the only match might be somewhere in Europe.
I hope this works out for her and for everybody. You did a very good thing, even to giving them privacy to talk this stuff over.
elehhhhna
(32,076 posts)Seriously, it's not okay for her mom to deny her this POSSIBLY LIFESAVING information.
Keep courageous. You're good.
babylonsister
(170,962 posts)parties that really mattered appreciated your help. That's all that matters. And 30 years old? She needed to know, especially if he was so accessible. Good job!
JVS
(61,935 posts)Triana
(22,666 posts)If they can't see the value in that maybe they have issues. But maybe their issues shouldn't trump her life.
izzybeans
(7,180 posts)My wife had a simialr experience. The good people among those you may have angered will soon realize they are really just mad at themselves, because they know deep down they are wrong.
Baitball Blogger
(46,572 posts)DevonRex
(22,541 posts)She wanted to know. She met her father. He met her. That's important.
Yo_Mama
(8,303 posts)And if she's facing the possibility that she may die, she had a very strong right to that information.
How would you have felt if you hadn't told her?
DevonRex
(22,541 posts)could go to her grave without knowing, without meeting him. Horrible. And if he found out after she died that he might have saved her but never had the chance to try or even to say hello? Devastated.
prole_for_peace
(2,064 posts)The bad guys in this story are the ones that would keep a secret this big from someone who has every right to the information.
cherokeeprogressive
(24,853 posts)Bettie
(15,997 posts)In fact, you are a very good guy, someone I'd hope my boys grow up to be like.
randome
(34,845 posts)Even implied promises.
Of course you did the right thing.
[hr][font color="blue"][center]I'm always right. When I'm wrong I admit it.
So then I'm right about being wrong.[/center][/font][hr]
Cleita
(75,480 posts)of telling the truth? My family was weird with skeleton in tne closet secrets, but when the time came that something had to be told to save a family member, they swallowed pride or whatever it took to help.
Yo_Mama
(8,303 posts)And if he's not a match, then your very ill cousin had a right to know about her father.
It is also possible that other of her father's relations may be a match.
You are not the villain here.
awoke_in_2003
(34,582 posts)is possible future health problems. Family history is good to know do you can try to prevent future problems, like if your family has a history of diabetes. If you know ahead of time, you can do things now to protect against it.
ManiacJoe
(10,136 posts)Yo_Mama
(8,303 posts)It's so bogus it's scary.
She asked you directly. That faced you with an ethical dilemma. I think you did the right thing.
But even if someone else doesn't believe that you did, the last thing justified is to say that you were butting in. She asked you very directly and insistently and she had a pressing immediate reason to make the query. The burden was upon you to tell or not tell, and it WAS YOUR BUSINESS. The people saying that should mind THEIR OWN BUSINESS. They are the ones butting in, not you.
jtuck004
(15,882 posts)They_Live
(3,222 posts)now everyone can stop pretending and they can help each other.
Savannahmann
(3,891 posts)However, I'd like to think I'd respond the same way you did. Putting the life of family before the desire of others to keep a secret.
HipChick
(25,485 posts)I tracked down her father and brother...her mother is divorced from her father, and they decided not to let him know. I thought it wouldn't be right, to not let him know that his own daughter died, and let her brother know that his sister passed. They robbed them of their time to grieve. Not only was I called names, but they even abandoned their 9yr old grandchild, my sister-in-law kid was 9yr olds at the time, and could have done with some support from her grandmother. Forget my feelings, but who abandons a child like that, after her she watched her mother fade from life from cancer?
dusty trails
(174 posts)And that's all that matters.
NuttyFluffers
(6,811 posts)Spirochete
(5,264 posts)We should all be such "bad guys"
southernyankeebelle
(11,304 posts)the same thing. Shame on the mother. If she loved her daughter she would put her daughter above the hate she has for the father.
Aerows
(39,961 posts)did the right thing, and the people condemning you for it are the ones that should be ashamed of themselves. You stepped up to the plate, they just let themselves strike out.
For what it is worth, I would do the same. When people try to interfere with others that are trying to do a *GOOD* thing, like saving a life, I suggest they have an ulterior motive and a deep dislike. I'm not accusing your family of such, just pointing out the obvious.
I'd do the same because my family members are precious to me, even when I'm not precious to them.
Captain Stern
(2,195 posts)But plenty of other folks have revealed themselves as bad guys/gals.
Good luck to you.
hobbit709
(41,694 posts)But you did the right thing and that's what counts. Karma is on your side.
flying_wahini
(6,517 posts)Even if the family doesn't say it..... Thanks!
valerief
(53,235 posts)Buns_of_Fire
(17,119 posts)avebury
(10,946 posts)It is horrible to think that your family was more concerned about keeping your cousin's father's name a secret then being concerned about her health. As an adult, your cousin has every right to know who her father is and to make contact with him and his family. If her father is not a good bone marrow transplant donor, perhaps someone else on his side of the family might be.
Nanjing to Seoul
(2,088 posts)"Today, I earned my spot in Heaven."
Heartwarming what you did. . .I wish my family was like that, but I've been estranged from them for a number of years now.
Rebellious Republican
(5,029 posts)As I always say, fuck them, do what you feel is right!!! Keep your focus, do the RIGHT thing. For whatever it is worth, you know what you have to do. God bless you!
DeSwiss
(27,137 posts)When you stand up for TRUTH you can never go wrong. Personally, I'm sick of LIES. And of those among us who continually accept them, excuse them, and look askance from them. Particularly when they come from our leaders. They lie to us because they know we lie to ourselves.
- You stopped a lie. Well, done.
K&R
Kennah
(14,115 posts)Derided as a villain by those who don't get it, but hailed as a hero by those who do get it.
heaven05
(18,124 posts)my father would never tell me who my mother was. Leaves a hole in one's life. You did the right thing. I applaud you.
elleng
(130,126 posts)I can understand that her mother didn't want it to be known over the years, but can hardly understand now, in these circumstances.
Best to you and your cousin.
JI7
(89,173 posts)matthews
(497 posts)is if he could do something to save her life? That just does not make senses whatsoever.
And it's a good thing that you did. Apparently the father wasn't all that upset (I mean about you telling her who he was). And I would think that he would be the only one with a right to be upset, no one else.
You're the kind of person I would want for a cousin. The rest of the family who were willing to see me suffer could go to hell. Those other people should hang their heads in shame. You're the only one who showed any decency or compassion in the whole mess (beside the father, or course).
Sometimes people have to make hard decisions. The way they chose says a lot about them. You are a person of character and compassion. And also the only one with an ounce of brains.
You should be proud of what you did. If I were in a fix like that, I certainly hope that I would have a cousin or a friend exactly like you who would help me like you helped your cousin.
You did good. You did very very good.
The Second Stone
(2,900 posts)take care of business. Doing the right thing doesn't mean that those who are benefited won't be furious. I've learned that the hard way many times.
It was not the decision of your mother or your aunt to make. It was yours and your cousin's. Just because they are ashamed of their lives doesn't mean you have to let your cousin down.
ohheckyeah
(9,314 posts)as sick as your secrets. Obviously, the family keeping secrets have become so sick that their pride and their secret is more important than a life.
orleans
(33,986 posts)roody
(10,849 posts)F**k the naysayers.