I went to look at kittehs.

[Are_grits_groceries]

I met two sweet kittehs who were pals and I sat down to fill out the paperwork. Then I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I apologized to the people there and left. I will send them a donation.
I couldn't apologize to the kittehs. I couldn't keep going. I just collapsed in some way.

Scat keeps hunting for Mousie every night. I wake up to her special cry. I get up and go hold her and we walk around the apartment. It seems to settle her down.
I know I did the right thing for Mousie but the what ifs are after me.
I'll just have to keep going.
Sorry for all the downer posts. I've lost pets before but this was especially hard.

Grits

[Le Taz Hot]

1. . . .

[whathehell]

28. Oh, Grits, I know how you feel! -- I'm in the same situation.

[Cooley Hurd]

2. .

[antiquie]

3. Oh Grits, we do understand.

[malaise]

4. Listen Grits

When my beloved dog had to be put down I cried for a month - grieving is normal - you have the right to cry.

[magical thyme]

5. it's ok. you're still grieving...

you needed to cry, and you will need to for a while.

It was over a year before I stopped spontaneously bursting into tears over Algiers. Dahli looked for him and called for him for a couple weeks before she began to accept he wasn't coming back.

The day will come when you remember only the good times and good memories. There will be room in your heart for new kitties, but it's too soon right now.

[KittyWampus]

6. You'll know when you're ready. Maybe a stray will adopt you. We have to fall in love all over again

when we get new kittehs. It's a process.

XOXOXOXO

[TheSarcastinator]

7. that grief is the honor you pay to your lost friend

and there is nothing wrong with living within that sadness; you're in mourning. Cultures used to respect mourning periods but we like to try to "move on" as soon as possible. Your grief is the final measure of your devotion to a well loved friend.

Keep honoring your lost companion and do not feel bad at all for sharing your sorrow.

[colorado_ufo]

34. This was a truly beautiful, profound, and gentle thing to say. You have a way of healing hearts.

[calimary]

39. Welcome to DU, TheSarcastinator!

Glad you're here. Particularly glad you weighed in HERE in particular! What a lovely post. Grits is really struggling with this one, understandably. It's a rough one many of us have been through. A broken heart, an empty place in the home, a deeply missed dear one. It's painful even to think about, just writing this little post. Your gentle words of comfort are probably helping everyone on this thread, not only Are_grits_groceries.

[Raffi Ella]

47. ~

[Walk away]

8. Take your time. You did a good thing visiting the babies.

They need a little love from everyone they meet before they go to their forever home. And it's a good thing for you too. Every time our hearts are stirred it helps us find a better way to live with our loss and make our lives richer. That is a gift that Mousie has given you.

[PasadenaTrudy]

9. It may be too soon...

My doggy is getting old and I know when she passes it will take me years to recover. I don't know if I'll even be able to get another dog again. Loss is so hard, hang in there!

[mountain grammy]

21. I've said that 4 times and the last time took me 4 years to find my new best friend.

We rescued him.. all kinds of problems, but we're getting there. First time I ever had a male dog, and first time for a little guy that I can carry around and hold on my lap. We've had him a year. My husband KISSES him! He dearly loved all our dogs, but kiss them? never.

Life goes on, but once you get used to that unconditional love, it's hard to live without it.

[Maraya1969]

75. Just a thought. Have you ever thought about getting a friend for your doggy?

I always think dogs and cats should have a brother or sister anyway. I think that has helped me grieve each time I have lost a pet. But I have adopted older dogs several times so I have gone through this a lot.

[PasadenaTrudy]

77. No..

She's 12 and hates other dogs. We live in a small apt. too, so that would be a nightmare, lol! Plus, she is all I can afford. I don't work, so she has me to herself 24/7.

[darkangel218]

10. Grits, im so sorry for your loss :(

I read your threads about Mousie ( I couldnt post though, until yesterday. I know how you feel. No other kitten will replace Mousie.
I think you should go ahead with the adoption. You are saving 2 kittens lives. You ARE not replacing Mousie x

Mousie is still with you forever. I can still feel my long departed kittens souls. I know they love me and are in peace. And some day I will see th again.

[12AngryBorneoWildmen]

16. I agree.

Sometimes you have to 'force load' closure.

[niyad]

11. ((((((((((grits and scat))))))))))) we do understand. the grief is too new, still, too raw. when

the time is right, when your heart can take it, I know mousie will send you the right companion(s). until then, do whatever you need to do to help you get through, and remember to be good to yourself as you are to scat, and were to your beloved mousie.

and do not worry or apologize for the downer posts. those of us owned by furpeople understand.

[Kahuna]

12. Aww. When you're stronger, there's a new sweet kitteh (or two) in your future.

[tblue37]

13. Sweetie, I have lost beloved kitties, too. Mine always live long lives, so

I am also deeply attached when I lose them. Please believe me when I say that the very BEST thing, not just for you, but also for poor lonely Scat, is to bring in new babies to love.

When my 19-year-old Gabby died in 2005, I hated to leave home for any reason because Lila kitty was so lonely and depressed and I didn't want to leave her all by herself. Six weeks later I brought in an 8.5 month old rescue kitty. It took about a month for them to make friends, because Lila was 13 and not all that accommodating. Then, just as they buddied up, a friend brought me a tiny feral kitten to adopt. Another month later and Tango was part of the family, too, though young Paris accepted her before Lila did.

I still think of Gabby a lot, but though I will always miss her, I no longer feel that overwhelming pain over losing her. Lila died at a little over 18 years old. That was in summer of 2011. Yes, my grief was heavy, but having Paris and Tango helped me deal with it--and, perhaps even more so was the fact that one year earlier I had adopted a mischievous little Siamese-looking mixed breed (Lucia, called Lucy or Chia Pet), partly because I knew Lila dud not have too much more time.

Not only did I ease my own pain by welcoming the sweet babies into my life, but I also rescued three precious lives.

Those kitty buddies you met need a home, and it will be best for them if they are adopted together. You can do that for them. No doubt Scat will resent their presence in her territory for a while, but she will eventually get used to them, and they will distract her from her grief and prevent her from feeling so lonely.

I am old enough to have experienced the death of many beloved pets--dogs, cats, ferrets, and birds. I promise you, based on long experience, that if you can get over your initial reluctance to do what feels like "replacing" Mousie (but of course it *isn't* replacing her at all!), then the new kitties will do wonders for you, and you will be giving them a chance at a long, safe, well-loved life!

I hope we will soon be reading your posts about how happy your new kitties are helping you to feel.

[Matariki]

36. My experience exactly.

lovely post.

[Hoyt]

78. Nice post. I've decided that when my buddy passes, I'm not going to wait like I did last time.

While you can't replace an old friend, you can start a relationship with a new buddy, which will help. I think that probably goes for any other furry survivors, as well.

[tblue37]

81. One thing I have noticed is that whenever I or my equally pet crazy sister loses a cat,

soon afterward another kitty shows up in need of a home. In her case, in the most recent such incident her sin and his wife actually found a hungry, shivering kitten right outside the entrance to their workplace a couple of months after Linda lost a cat to cancer. The kitten was just the right age to have been born just when her cat died.

When my Gabby died, I had to travel to find a kitten to adopt because NONE were available that summer, even in my good-sized city. But then, just one month after I had brought Paris home, my friend brought me a tiny feral kitten found in the engine block of a truck in the Topeka warehouse district. This was just 2 months after Gabby's death, so the kitten would have been born right at the same time that Gabby died, just as Linda's kitten had been born when her cat died.

Linda is convinced that our lost pets are sending us new companions to take care of us, and considering the age of the new ones, she half believes they might be reincarnations of our lost pets.

[warrior1]

14. ((((Grits)))))

[mercuryblues]

15. My kit-cat

died the day after Xmas. My morning routine was to brew a pot of coffee, grab a cup feed her and let her outside. At least 3 times a week when I grab my cup of coffee, I still head toward the door and then I remember all over again she is not with us anymore. We had a nice day last week and I went to sit on the back porch. She loved getting her neck brushed, so I had several around the house and porches.
There was one of her brushes, right where I left it last year. I had a moment when I 1/2 expected her to come running. We played a game. I would brush her for 5 minutes and stop. She would "pet my leg" 3 times to let me know she was not done being brushed.

I don't know how or when, but these moments, instead of bringing heartache, now brings a smile to my face and a sense of comfort. You will get there.

Now if spring will actually get here and grass regrow over her grave so we can do the final step and decorate a large rock and place it on there, my last sense of anxiety will go.

I wish the same for you.

[99Forever]

17. Many of us have known that pain.

We understand and care more than mere words can convey. You'll know when you are ready.

[mountain grammy]

18. Our precious pets look to us for their daily needs,

but I wonder if they ever know how much we look to them for ours. Good luck in finding just the right companion for you and Scat, but for now, at least you have each other. Time to grieve is important too.

[leftyladyfrommo]

19. Guilt is a very normal part of grieving.

Let yourself grieve.

It hurts like hell to lose an animal. Feeling guilty just means you loved that animal. It's just hard to let go.

It gets better with time. And when you are ready go get a kitten. It's not going to ever replace your cat. But having a new little funny kitty around really helps. Life is a cycle. Getting a new kitten helps us see that death and dying are part of that cycle. And so is new life.

[Iwillnevergiveup]

20. Only one observation for you, grits

Don't underestimate the size of your enormous heart. You have so much love to give, and we fellow animal lovers recognize that. By the way, so do the animals.

(((((grits))))) (((((Scat)))))

[LiberalLoner]

69. +1

[JayhawkSD]

22. Keep going to the shelter, but not with adoption in mind

Just go for a visit and look at the kitties, knowing that you do not plan to take any of them home. No regular schedule; neither frequently nor rarely. Just whenever you feel like saying hello to them and admiring how cute they are. You are not shopping, you are just looking at the kitties.

When you are ready a kitty or two will adopt you. Until then they will help heal you.

That worked for my wife and me. It may work for you. If it doesn't, then stop going.

[GoCubsGo]

55. Excellent advice.

And, something tells me that shelter will be hanging onto the already-started paperwork. I'm sure they see this sort of thing on a regular basis.

to you, Grits.

[nadinbrzezinski]

23. We get it and it might be too soon to adopt

[Gormy Cuss]

24. I think you've just learned that you need more time to grieve Mousie.

One of my friends did the exact same thing --went to look for a new cat to add to the household after losing a longtime pal and she just couldn't do it. A few months later, she tried again and found that she was ready to find another suitable cat.
Grief timelines are individual though, so you may be ready next week. Just allow yourself a little more time and don't be surprised if it's still hard when you look for another kitty.

You may also want to take a signal from Scat --- perhaps the right time will be when she stops hunting for Mousie.

[CherokeeDem]

25. Oh Grits...

So sorry... I know how hard this is on both of you...

At one time, I had two Retrievers and two cats... each dog had a cat buddy. When my Golden had to leave us at 15, her cat buddy was so distraught. We sat in the bed all night, the kitty in my lap whining, the other dog and cat laying together at the foot of the bed. One of the toughest nights I've ever had. There is no question that they grieve for each other as we grieve for them.

I wish for peace for you and Scat...

[oldandhappy]

26. Sending love and hugs and tears.

Keep holding Scat. You all were a special family. Glad you are open to the kittie visits, and do not push. One of them, two of them, will adopt you one of these days. For now, rest. Embrace your tears. Tis OK.



We really really need some kitty smilies.

[tabbycat31]

73. >^..^<

[Greybnk48]

27. I (many of us) fully understand. Just let yourself grieve

with no apologies. I've had a couple of those over the years where, for me, it felt very close to losing a human family member. Some get angry when people say that, but it's true for lots of people. I don't think it diminishes the value of humans, rather it elevates the status of animals other than human animals.

It's probably too soon to get another cat. You don't really want a "cat" anyway, you want Mousie. Just wait a bit until you and Scat have come to grips with your loss.

[leftyladyfrommo]

37. Sometimes losing a pet is worse than losing a human.

The relationship we have with our pets is different. It's not all complicated by human emotions. It's just more pure love with no qualifications.

It hurts like hell to lose them. And it takes a long time to get over it.

There are support groups for the death of a pet. I know that there are several groups here in KC. It helps to talk to other people who have the same strong feelings of loss.

Love is love. Doesn't matter if it's an animal that has been an important part of your life for a long time or a person. It still hurts like hell to lose either one. And other people need to realize that and respect it.

[AngryOldDem]

29. Give yourself time to grieve, and heal.

Your reaction is totally understandable.

You'll know when it's time to welcome another kitty into your home and heart. But heal first.

[another_liberal]

30. Time heals . . .

Some kitten out there needs you too.

[lunasun]

31. Hold on and give yourself time -Sweet Mousie memories to you and Scat

[enlightenment]

32. Grits,

A decade ago I noticed that my 14 year old kitty was having difficulty breathing. I rushed him to the vet. After an examination, they told me that he had a cancer and it had spread to the point that his chest cavity was filling with fluid - that's why he was having trouble breathing.

Nothing that would really help could be done - he had gone from being older but seemingly healthy to terminal in the space of an hour - and he was suffering. I was left with no real choice, and so I did what needed to be done and held him as he passed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I'm fighting tears as I write this, and still, after all these years, second-guess the choice - castigate myself for not noticing he was sick - beat myself up for not realizing. The "what ifs" are deadly.

You know you did the best you could. Don't stop looking at those kittehs; remember that in the same way you gave Mousie a wonderful life, you can do the same for a new family member, even if it hurts. I think Mousie would appreciate that, don't you?

*hugs*

[3catwoman3]

44. Our vets have told us...

...that it is not in cats' nature as predators to show illness or weakness because, in the wild, to do so would make them vulnerable to other predators. Easier said than done, of course, but it seems we shouldn't feel guilty for not noticing something that our feline friends are so good at hiding.

[enlightenment]

52. True,

but when we raise our furbabies from kittenhood, I guess we like to believe we can read them like our human kids.

[3catwoman3]

60. I'm a peds nurse practitioner...

..., with parents I know to have a good sense of humor, I will often say that when kids are really young, there is not a great deal of difference between what I do and what vets do - our patients cannot talk to us, so must depend on the parents or "owners" to tell us what they are seeing that leads them to know something is not right.

I say it with the greatest of repect for my profession and that of the veterinarians.

[enlightenment]

68. I understand completely.

You have my admiration - yours is a very tough job, indeed. To tell the truth, the person that I hold in the greatest regard after the difficult birth of my son, who subsequently developed some issues, was the pediatric NP. I still remember her name and can see her in my mind's eye very clearly. She was amazing - not just with my kid, but with me, too. Her wit and calm got me through a very scary time.

[ChisolmTrailDem]

33. No need to apologize for talking out your feelings, ma'am. Give it some time. nt

[Matariki]

35. Hey there...

You don't need to apologize. It's really hard to lose a pet. I lost my sweet girl kitty back in September and it just really really hurt. I still go through those what ifs too

I was going to wait longer to get another cat - I thought it would be disrespectful if I got another cat too soon. But it broke my heart to see my boy cat so lonely. They had been kittens together and spent 14 years as pals. So I decided to adopt another cat sooner than planed. We got an older kitten a month later. The new kitteh has been healing all our hearts and it's been years since I've seen my 14 year old cat old play like he does now.

[colorado_ufo]

38. Take your time, and only do what your heart can handle.

When I lost my last little Pekingese, I could barely eat for a long time and would break down crying in public places. These pets are our children of the heart and are intertwined in all the large and small activities of our daily lives. Their loss disrupts our day and routine and removes a source of our comfort, a buffer against the pain of the world. Their unconditional love holds a unique place in our lives that nothing can truly fill. But there is other love waiting for you, as unique and wonderful in a way that is exclusive to itself. When you are ready, that love will find you, and you will know it. Be patient with yourself, and the time will come. But not until you have been gentle to yourself and let the healing happen

[WinstonSmith4740]

40. We're here for you, Grits.

I think most of us here have walked down this road...it's always hard to loose our furry kids. Your heart will heal with time, and you will be ready for a new friend for Scat soon. You may want to consider an adult cat, though. Kittehs are always fun, but if Scat is older, she may not appreciate the energy level of an adolescent/teenager. Either that or get 2! I had 3 cats when I adopted my last two from a friend, and since they had each other to play with, the others were pretty cool with them.

[TDale313]

41. ...

Give yourself the time you need, and don't be sorry for grieving.

[closeupready]

42. When my cat died, I was a mess; I couldn't go to work the following day.

That's how deeply upsetting it was to me. That was more than 20 years ago, and even today, I get a little sad about it, particularly since he died right in front of me (due to a heart murmur).

Sending you a hug!

[Whisp]

43. Mousie doesn't want you to feel so sad for so long

She wants you to find other kittehs to hug and bring home and be a great dad to.

She talks about you to all her new friends and says the nicest things.

[redwitch]

45. Aw honey I am sorry.

You will get a new kitteh when your heart is not so full of grief.

[Raffi Ella]

46. oh. my heart truly goes out to you, Grits.

*HUG*

[libodem]

49. Awww, grits

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think it must be because you loved so much and cared so deeply. Who knows you could have a spirit cat roaming the apartment? She's close by just on the other side waiting for you. I want to say bless your heart in the most sincere way but I think it has some sarcastic jerk meaning to it in some areas of the country. Maybe comfort and peace and healing to your heart is what I should say.Sending hugs through cyber space.

[Mnemosyne]

50. ...

[pansypoo53219]

51. i believe in 'spares'.

i lost the male to my 2nd pair. 2 cats great, 1 cat ok, but no cats is horrible. then i had 3 and it was the most fun. my cubby female looked like a baby after being chased by the new kittens. and her hissing was all show. + then i lost her too soon, i had the spares.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

53. hugs, grits.

I'm on mobile....too much to type my story. I can't add anything wiser than what's already been said, anyway.

[TuxedoKat]

54. I understand

I lost my beloved kitty (18.5 years) this week too, and I feel so sad. I loved him so much. (((HUGS)))

[niyad]

71. ((((((((((tuxedokat)))))) so very sorry for your loss, as well. we all know how much it hurts,

and we grieve with all the loss.

[Triana]

56. Oh Grits...you're just not ready yet. Give yourself more time.

[Loudly]

57. Is it childish to feel such grief for an animal whose life is brief?

~~Garrison Keillor

[KoKo]

58. Just a thought about new kittens..

Last edited Sat Mar 29, 2014, 04:27 PM - Edit history (1)

Scat is grieving and might find new kitties an intrusion if you adopt too soon.

My beloved, friends & companions Siamese Brother and Sister were 15 years old when the female died. Her brother seemed to know she was sick with kidney failure and kept sniffing her and trying to lick her. After she died he went into a very quiet time ...didn't look for her or call but seemed to need more attention from us. Formerly lively he would sit in a room by himself and sleep more. We waited about 7 months when I couldn't stand it anymore so began checking shelters and websites for apple-head Siamese kittens.

When we brought our kitten home our male cat just wouldn't have anything to do with her. We tried the "separate room thing" where you introduce the new cat into the household for well over a week and he wouldn't have anything to do with her. Wouldn't even look at her or try to sniff her.
And when we finally let her roam free he would hiss at her and go off by himself and sulk. Our new kitty picked this up and she "did her own thing" but they just never hit it off and that was really disappointing to us.

I don't know if this would matter to you but Scat and you might need more time to grieve or maybe Scat would be thrilled with two new kittens to take his mind off Mousie. Every cat is different...but, didn't want you to be disappointed if Mousie isn't accepting of a new addition. Right now that might be pretty upsetting to both of you who are still grieving.

Anyway....big

[Vinca]

59. It's always heartbreaking to lose them, that's for sure.

In the past I've always headed to the shelter right away with the thought I could rescue some poor kitty and make its life better even though my own was pretty sad. The last one I lost - more than 4 years ago - threw me for a loop, though. I was depressed and crying for months. To this day I tear up when I talk about him. He was the best friend ever. I wasn't up to adopting another for almost a year, even though the remaining cat needed a buddy. Eventually, I started browsing the pictures of kitties at the Humane Society online and when I finally went to visit them a little gray cat latched on to me and wouldn't let go. He's now known as Peeper and he's snoozing on the bed. It will work out for you, too, Grits. Just give it some time.

[Warpy]

61. It's just too soon

Eventually Scat will need a playmate enough that it will break through your grief and you'll be ready to find another kitty.

Just not now.

[Kingofalldems]

62. I agree with Warpy. Scat needs a friend.

Do you think Scat would be accepting of a kitten? Good luck to you.

[shenmue]

63. {{{hugs}}}

[GreenPartyVoter]

64. It took me 9 months before I was ready to get new kittens after the

last of my first kitties died.

Grief takes as long as it takes, you know?

[brer cat]

65. No need to apologize.

We understand, and we know how much you loved Mousie. Take your time...there will be kitties waiting when you are ready.

[rrneck]

66. If I were a cat I'd feel safe with you. nt

[MrMickeysMom]

67. Oh, damn… I'm sorry, grits...

You could talk all you want about it, as far as I'm concerned. They are our children who gives us unconditional love. You are not ready to stop grieving, so it's okay.

[politicat]

70. We lost one of ours 16 months ago. It can still be hard.

Boycat and Girlcat were together since she was about 14 months old and he was about 3 months old; he was 19 when he started getting creaky. We expected her to go first, since she's a year older and has absolutely no physical reserves (she has weighed between 4-5 pounds since she was 3 years old), but Boycat had a heart problem that roared up. Girlcat loved Boycat quite a lot, but she is definitely an eldest child and always resented that she got a sibling. She may have outlived Boycat just so that she could be an only child again.

Girlcat has some minor issues, but she's still here, still waking us up as soon as the first alarm goes off. (Because, because there might be a wormhole that will suck us into another dimension and then WHO WILL FEEED MEEEEE????!?!!!!) About once a week she seems to recall some place in the house she hasn't investigated to go check to see if Boycat is hiding there. She sits there and calls for him for a few minutes, then comes and yells at one of her humans. Those are the tough days, because we can't convince her that he's not hiding, and we wish he was there, too. There are days when her mild feline dementia is a blessing, because she can't remember, but there are also days when it's cruel, because she can't break out of a loop of looking for Boycat.

It takes time. Your cat child will never not be with you because he lives now in your memory palace. When the time is right for another cat or cats to come to you, they will. If it's not now, that's okay. Sometimes you'll cry and ache. That's okay, too. They sink their little claws and fangs deep into us, and we are forever after better for being allowed the privilege of their lives touching ours.

Be gentle with yourselves, and take the time to grieve. Right now, it hurts an infinite amount, but every day, it's a little less, and one day, that infinite sadness becomes finite. And that's when you know that your memory-cat has found his place in your memory palace, has all the corners marked up to his satisfaction, all the toys under the couch and all the sunny spots mapped out.

[tabbycat31]

72. I lost my Tabby on 4/15/11

And I still cry about it almost daily. Not a day goes by when I don't think about him.

Losing a pet is very hard. I don't wish it on anyone.

Hugs.

[Demeter]

74. It would be worse if it got easier with repetition, I think

Courage, my friend. Give yourself some time and space to heal, and seek comfort.

[Voice for Peace]

76. :(

[Rex]

79. Keep writing all you want to.

It destroyed me when I lost Boo to an aneurysm.

[eridani]

80. Might you call them and tell them to hold the kittehs for you for a couple of weeks?

They'll understand about you not being over Mousie yet, I think.