Sheldon Adelson Says No Republican Candidate Worth Buying

[icymist]

LAS VEGAS (The Borowitz Report)—The casino billionaire and Republican kingmaker Sheldon Adelson met several 2016 G.O.P. candidates available for purchase over the weekend, but decided to buy none of them, Adelson confirmed today.

After hearing speeches by Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, and several others who were for sale, Mr. Adelson concluded that none of them are worth owning.

“I don’t want to spend millions on another loser,” said Adelson, who purchased both Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney in 2012.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2014/03/sheldon-adelson-says-no-republican-candidate-worth-buying.html

[htuttle]

1. #onepercentproblems

[louis-t]

2. I can just see him checking their teeth.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. What a shame!

I was really looking forward to seeing him throw many more millions of dollars after these disgus....I mean wonderful candidates!

[BeyondGeography]

4. Oh, they just need to bend over a little...um, try harder

Oops...Borowitz.

[SummerSnow]

5. What is the going rate for a Republican loser?

[berni_mccoy]

6. In other words, Chris Christie isn't buying himself out of his current bind...

[MindMover]

7. kr....nt and lmao ....

[enid602]

8. holy combover, batman

With his billions, you would think he could afford a better barber.

[icymist]

10. He looks like he's having a bad day; probably the day Obama was elected.

Poor baby.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. It's Borowitz - satire. I'm sure Adelson will be happy to buy a candidate.

[Motown_Johnny]

11. We should try to get him to run

and to bet his hundred million bucks on himself.


How much fun would that be?

[Jamaal510]

12. Nice try, Borowitz, but

we all know that SA lives in Backwardsville, where he views all candidates as competent and as winners who most other Americans wouldn't even spit in their direction.

[Thinkingabout]

13. DUH

[LongTomH]

14. I actually feel for the GOP candidates......

.......they offered to sell their souls to the Devil, and he wasn't buying! What a let-down that must be!

[kelliekat44]

15. Imagine a wealthy Islamist setting up court to interview potential candidates who are sympathetic

to the Palestinian plight to be funded to run for any office in this country. Just imagine what the media, the pundits, the RW and the Islamaphobes would be saying right now. Just imagine. And whoever visited hoping to be bankrolled would be labeled forever as trying to bring Sharia law to the USA and aligning themselves with "terrorists." Sometimes reality doesn't even make good fiction.

[oldandhappy]

16. ha ha

His money will be out there. We just have to wait. Or maybe he was disappointed that Trump was absent!!

[hadrons]

17. While accurate, too bad this isn't true....

the source is an Onion-like satire ... and like the Onion, its spot-on in spirit

[UTUSN]

18. Dear ADELSON: (I'm speechless) nt

[HeiressofBickworth]

19. The Adelson Primary

Well, just what did they think would happen when they decided Citizens United. The Supreme Court allowed this to happen. Other wealthy people will hold similar auditions of candidates. States could save a lot of money by cancelling primary elections and caucuses and just go with the winners of the Billionaires' selections. (sarcasm intended) Yeah Citizens United!!!