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Sun Jun 1, 2014, 03:04 PM

McCamy Reports: "Open Carry" Becomes "Crowd Control Inc.", Goes Public, Offers Shares

The organizers of Open Carry announced today that they are forming a publicly traded company and will be offering shares of their new business, Crowd Control, Inc. Says a company spokesman, “We got the idea when the manager of a Super Shell in Buttlick, Texas called us up one day and said ‘Would you boys get on down to the local Super Chevron and stand around with your biggest semi-automatic assault rifles? Me and the manager of that store have a little bet going on to see who can bring in the most customers today, me with my buy one get one free burrito special and him with his half price slushy promotional and I think he’s gonna win. There’s a case of Shiner Bock riding on this one, and I could sure use some help. I’ll split the case with you. What do you say?’”

The local chapter of Open Carry rounded up six members. Each was armed with two semiautomatic assault rifles. They gathered on the sidewalk in front of the Super Chevron and within minutes the store was deserted, and it stayed that way for the rest of the day.

“The police came by a couple of times to ask us to move on,” said Open Carry spokesman, Brick Thick. “But we know our rights. Free Speech, Right to Bear Arms---it’s all there in the Constitution.” He unbuttoned his blue work shirt and revealed a tattoo of the US Constitution on his chest. Part had been blacked out. “That’s the part that says women have a right to an abortion. We think Betsy Ross slipped than one in when the Founding Fathers weren’t looking.”

The new corporation will offer a variety of services. For a fee, they will set up a picket line. “We’ll picket anything. A gay wedding. Your ex-girl’s wedding. Your ex-girlfriend’s mother’s funeral. The company that fired you.” For a larger fee, they will do what they call “Crowd Control.”

“That’s where we get a dozen members to arm themselves up and visit your competitor. We stroll around pushing shopping carts, eying the merchandise, checking out the other customers, making eye contact with the men, smiling at the babies---you know, keeping a high profile. You’d be surprised at how fast a Target Super Center will clear out once we show up. Since the shoppers still need Coke and Huggies, they head on over to the Wal-Mart Super store.”

Demand is so high that the company is selling franchises. "Our biggest problem right now is all the "Control" websites are taken. Control.com, Control.net---we can't find any of them that we can use. We've tried staging our own crowd control at some of those sites, but it just isn't the same when they can't see that they guys bombarding them with spam are carrying Sig Sauer 516 Patrol G2 OD Green Piston AR-15 ODGs. I guess you could say that the Internet is the enemy of the Second Amendment."

McCamy Reports: News That Must Be True, Because It FEELS True

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