Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu

[Starry Messenger]

The Penney estate, devout cultists and owners of the multibillion-dollar chain of mid-range department stores, joined by CEO Mike Ullman, sued the government in 2012 when new federal employee protections made it illegal for them to hire virgin maidens for the sole purpose of spilling their blood on the Altar of the Cosmos, with the hope that such an offering will prolong the Great Old One's slumber in the sunken city of R'lyeh.

“We're not opposed to the practice of protecting and celebrating life set forth by your quaint, human Biblical standards,” said Ullman last week on Lou Dobbs Tonight. “But JCPenney is not that sort of company, for in his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. We see through the insignificance of your primitive ape society to the coming storm of insanity that is His rise.”

<snip>

JCPenney, meanwhile, wishes to spare no time revitalizing its business model with the former, government hands-off approach. Additionally, they say, stores nationwide will soon be offering thousands of part-time, non-union job positions for low-income women and high school graduates.

“JCPenney is a great place to work for those who respect our beliefs and fear the encroaching twilight of madness as we do,” Communications VP Kristin Hays said in an interview. “If that's too much for people, I understand that Sears operates as disciples of Hastur, Lord of Interstellar Spaces. Their sacrifice-free philosophies are probably more in line with government mandates.”

- See more at: http://www.moonmontchronicle.com/supreme-court-rules-jcpenney-allowed-to-sacrifice-employees-to-appease-cthulhu.html#sthash.n0yHiGID.dpuf

[villager]

1. Of course, I've been fearing the encroaching twilight of madness, too

What with methane releases and unchecked right wingery, I'm not sure we'll be able to avoid it...

[DJ13]

2. What with methane releases .......

Sorry, it wont happen again.

[Luminous Animal]

3. Hahahaha! Nice!

[Starry Messenger]

4. Hey!

[Luminous Animal]

6. Hey back to you my friend!!!!

[Hekate]

5. Give me that Old Time Religion...

Let us worship like the Druids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
Running naked through the woo-ods
It's good enough for me!

[Duppers]

7. lol! good one. love the thread.

The difference between cults and religion? Numbers.

[FiveGoodMen]

8. Or...

In any cult, there's someone at the top who knows it's a scam.

In a religion, the one who knew that is dead now.

[leftstreet]

9. DURec

[Starry Messenger]

10. The Old Ones thank you.