I gave the eulogy today for my oldest friend, a centenarian.
My heart is heavy, and my thoughts are much focused on Ruby today. When I was asked to deliver Ruby's eulogy, I was frankly daunted by the prospect. What does one say about the life of a magnificent woman who lived almost 109 years? After several attempts to write a stylistically 'formal' and 'proper' eulogy, and failing to do so, I sat down at my keyboard last night and simply wrote from my heart. To those who do not believe or believe differently, I mean to give no offense, and ask your pardon and indulgence. What follows is what I wrote...
"I want to thank Judy and the rest of the family for entrusting me with this great honor. Though I promise to try my very best not to cry, I ask your forgiveness in advance, should I be unable to keep that promise to you.
Ruby E. Murphy was born October 13th, 1905, and passed peacefully from this life on July 7th, 2014, at the remarkable age of 108 years, 8 months and 25 days. She entered into marriage with the first great love of her life, Gil Barker, on June 14th, 1923, and to this happy union were born a daughter, Judy, and a son, Gil, Jr. . After Gil, Sr.'s sudden death in 1934, Ruby summoned her strength and used her skills in shorthand and typing and began a new life a single, working mother, becoming the first female, certified shorthand court reporter in southern Illinois. She was immediately hired by Circuit Judge William Eavoldi, and remained his court reporter for the next three decades, until they both retired.
In 1938, Judge Eavoldi introduced Ruby to a bright, handsome young widower with two young daughters, Arlie Murphy. Arlie had recently moved to Benton from New Jersey to serve as chief cashier of the Bank of Benton. We here today all know what happened: Ruby and Arlie fell in love and married in 1939, a loving marriage that would last until 1974, when Arlie passed away. To no one's surprise, Ruby loved and mothered Arlie's daughters, Julia and Ramona, becoming "Mom", and Arlie adored Judy and Gil, Jr., becoming "Papa".
These things, then, are the dry statistics of Ruby's life, but they tell us very little about who Ruby truly WAS. Many of you, particularly you grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren who live in the Northeast and in California, have probably never heard the term "a good, Christian woman", but here in southern Illinois, there is no higher praise to be found than in these words. As is written in the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs,
"...Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night...
She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet...
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land...
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates."
Your mother and grandmother was indeed a virtuous woman-- someone I have known since I was 3 days-old, when my parents brought me home from the hospital. Ruby and Arlie were our 'across the alley' neighbors, and Ruby became my 'third grandmother'. I have known and loved your mother and grandmother for almost 60 years. She has been my neighbor, my teacher, my mentor and, most importantly, my friend.
Ruby was the embodiment of the word "love". In addition to the love she had for her extended family, her neighbors and her friends, Ruby had a special love for both children and the poor. I remember her stories of growing up on a hardscrabble farm in Northern Township, her parents loving and hardworking, but poor. I vividly recall the story of how she and her sister Lolita would hurry to get into bed on cold winter nights, a warm brick wrapped in a cloth between them, watching the carpet on the bedroom floor rise and fall with each bitter gust of the north wind. I remember her stories of flour sack dresses, of suppers of biscuits and red-eye gravy, of picking up coal that had fallen from the railroad hopper cars to heat her childhood home.
Ruby knew what it was to be poor, and she never forgot what that meant in human terms. Unlike so many who go on to prosper and forget life's past hardships, Ruby had but to hear of a hungry family, and she came to their aid with bags of groceries and household supplies. Were he here, my father would attest to the innumerable times that Ruby would hear about a sick child and call him or come across the alley and tell him about it, saying, "If there's any expense, Arlie and I will take care of it, Harry Lee-- you just do what needs to be done". Countless people could tell you of the many, many times Ruby has 'sat up' with an ailing friend or neighbor, giving their spouse or family a much-needed break. Ruby not only understood what "Christian love" meant, she truly lived it.
When I buried my last living sibling, my brother, in 2006, Ruby came to his funeral. Putting her arms around me, she said, "I know you're sad beyond words right now, Robert, and you have every right to be. But I want you to remember that as long as I draw breath, there is someone here on earth who will always love you". That is the Ruby I knew and loved.
Ruby gloried in you, her children and her grandchildren. She often told me, "I have been so richly blessed! I've known the love of two good men, and shared my life with them, when so many women have never known it even once. I have four of the most wonderful children a mother could ask for, a whole horde of beautiful grandchildren and wonderful friends and neighbors. God has indeed been good to me!".
Ruby was also civic-minded. She was one of the 'movers and shakers' responsible for the creation of the Benton Library District in 1941. She helped bring the Franklin Hospital District into being in 1953, and served as the first chairman of its Board of Directors. Never content to sit back when there was a need in her community, Ruby led the effort to create the Franklin-Williamson Bi-County Health Department in 1960, followed in 1965 by the creation of the Franklin-Williamson Mental Health Agency, now known as the 'H Group'.
Ruby was also deeply committed to equality and civil rights, Ruby led a delegation from this church into Mississippi, Alabama and Georgia during the Freedom Summer of 1964, and both marched for civil rights and registered new voters. This took real courage, as harassment, beating, arrest and even death were very real possibilities. When I interviewed Ruby about that summer for a college term paper, I remarked on her bravery. Characteristically modest, Ruby laughed it off, saying, "I'm not scared of the devil himself and besides, it was simply the right thing to do".
Ruby was also a pillar of this church, a woman of deep and abiding faith, and our oldest member. Since becoming a member in 1920, Ruby has served this church as a Sunday School teacher, Sunday School Superintendent, Trustee, Deacon, Clerk, Moderator, Treasurer and Home Missions Director. At her urging and with her help, this church began a daily hot-meal program in 1930, a program that continues to this very today. Until three years-ago, Ruby's smiling face and willing hands were among those of our members assembling 'brown bag' suppers for poor children during the school year, and giving a hug, a kiss or speaking a kind word to those same children during the summer meal program. "Suffer the little children to come unto Me, and forbid them not; for such is the kingdom of Heaven" was one of her favorite Bible verses.
As a deacon, I was privileged to take Communion to Ruby this past Sunday afternoon. Though she was weak and visibly failing, she was otherwise as she always was-- cheerful, impeccably dressed and sharp as a tack. As we drank sweet tea and visited in her sun room after Communion, Ruby saw the sadness in my eyes and in my heart, despite my best efforts to be cheerful and light-hearted. Taking my hand between both of hers, she said, "Oh honey, don't be sad! I've had a wonderful life, and if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Very soon now, I'll get to see all of the people I've loved who've gone on before, and I will finally see my Savior, face to face". Indeed!
Though we mourn our own loss today, we would be sadly remiss if we did not celebrate Ruby's life, and all that that life meant and all that it entailed. Let us give thanks and praise for Ruby's life-- a life well lived, and a life that lives on in each of our lives for having known and loved her.
In closing, let us remember the words of the Apostle Paul to the church at Thessaloniki, where there was much confusion among those early Christians about the afterlife:
"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the Archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words."
Goodbye, my dear friend, until we meet again. May the Lord bless and keep you; may the Lord make His face to shine on you and be gracious unto you; may the Lord turn His face to you, and give you Peace. Amen."
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I am so sorry for your loss. 
Thank you for telling the story of Ruby's life. May she rest peacefully. 
I've no doubts whatsoever that she is.
Welcome to DU!
I've always believed that it is both right and proper that we should mourn those who, as you say, are the truly good among us. Ruby touched so many lives and made the world around her a better place. We should all strive to do the same.
And peace be with you also.
Rarely does humanity progress in giant leaps. Rather, it is the gradual accumulation of small acts of love, patience, kindness, mercy and charity that overcome the dark forces of this world.
Thank you for sharing - your words made me feel as though I knew Ruby.
I'm pleased that were able to know Ruby, even posthumously. DU is a place she would have loved, had she known how to use a computer.
In addition to my nephew and Ruby, I also buried my aunt last August. Ruby's love helped me enormously to begin my journey on the path to healing the deep wounds their deaths left in my heart, mind and soul, and I will miss her more than words can say.
Ruby and her family made the perfectly right choice in having you deliver something so heartfelt and wonderful.
My condolences for your loss of dear Ruby, but, my friend, you certainly served her well with your beautiful eulogoy.
The kids made a point of telling me afterward how pleased Ruby would have been.
I completely agree that we could all benefit from the example that was Ruby's life. My request for indulgence and forgiveness was simply a sincere restatement of what my denomination believes: "We resolve to respectfully and honorably engage all men and women of good will, regardless of doctrinal differences, seeking always to promote and sustain peaceful relations with our neighbors, and with all mankind".
Southern Illinois was the first 'settled' part of the state, first by the French and later by the English. When westward migration 'took root' in the late 18th and early 19th centuries, most of the people migrating into this area came from Virginia, North Carolina, Kentucky and Tennessee. The pre-American settlers were largely Catholic, whereas the 'new arrivals' were staunchly Protestant-- almost exclusively C.O.E., Methodist, Baptist and Presbyterian. Fortunately, there was very little resentment toward the newer folks, and that sentiment was, in turn, reciprocated with a 'live and let live' attitude toward the resident Catholic population. The frontier (and Illinois was the frontier, at that time) frequently made for 'odd bedfellows'. Fast forward to the 20th Century...
Following WW1, the Ku Klux Klan enjoyed a brief and very limited growth in membership, but unlike the KKK elsewhere, it was almost exclusively anti-immigrant, anti-Catholic and pro-Prohibition. There was an enormous influx of Eastern and Southern Europeans, plus Balkan immigrants, who came to work in the coal and flourspar mines here. This meant, of course, more Catholics, Greek and Eastern Orthodox believers and quite a few Jews. Most people here did NOT resent the new immigrants, because they worked alongside them, their children went to school with them, etc., and they got to know them. Once that happened, the Klan basically fizzled out, what little popularity it had once enjoyed now turned to widespread ridicule and disgust.
Two events occurred that drew together the various churches here: the Great Depression and WW2. Never wealthy and with a fairly small middle-class, the Great Depression hit southern Illinois like a steamroller-- the 'Okies' had nothing on us! Out of sheer necessity, the churches here set aside doctrinal differences and pooled what resources they had 'for the common good'-- to prevent mass starvation and to ease the most brutal aspects of poverty. Most communities, my own included, formed 'ministerial alliances' to bring order to private relief efforts. For example, my church had what we today would term a 'commercial kitchen' and a large lower sanctuary and gymnasium, so it made sense for the 'soup kitchen' to be based there. The other churches (and the synagogue) contributed money, food and labor (as did we, of course). A food pantry was established at the Disciples of Christ church, because they had a gymnasium that was large enough to store commodities and other donated foodstuffs, much of it from local farmers who couldn't find markets for much of what they grew any way. The synagogue converted some of the classrooms used by its Hebrew School into a 'clothing depot', so that donated clothing could be cleaned, sorted, stored and distributed. As I said previously, the Depression was AWFUL here, but no one starved or froze to death, and people had shoes, serviceable clothing and a warm coat, at least.
WW2 wiped out what few remaining religious 'barriers' there were here. Southern Illinois was (and is) intensely patriotic, and our Congressional district had either the 2nd or 3rd highest percentage nationwide of eligible males who enlisted in the armed forces. Sadly, that also meant enormous numbers of 'local boys' dying or being horribly wounded/disabled, and every family was touched in some way-- either a child, a neighbor boy, your son or daughter's high-school classmate/friend. There was no 'sectarian mourning' here, just like there had been no 'sectarian hardship' during the Depression. When the veterans returned, well, any remnant of religious 'strife' or quarreling simply died out.
While my particular denomination (American Baptist Churches USA, f/k/a Northern Baptist Convention) has always been rather 'liberal/progressive', other denominations (or at least individual congregations) can also be progressive in some aspects, and my church prefers to seek common ground and cooperation, whenever possible. Religious strife benefits no one, hence why "We resolve to respectfully and honorably engage all men and women of good will, regardless of doctrinal differences, seeking always to promote and sustain peaceful relations with our neighbors, and with all mankind".
One of the things Ruby always told me was, "Say what you mean, and mean what you say". Once I stopped trying to force the words into some artificial construct, they simply flowed.
I don't know how many non-dry eyes there were, but I know that my own were leaking copiously by the end. I did, however, manage to avoid a full-on 'boo hoo', although I did have to pause a few times.
Ruby's love and friendship were indeed a gift, one I will treasure for the remainedr of my days.
I hadn't thought of that, but you're absolutely correct.
All of us who knew Ruby and everyone whose life she touched were blessed.
I'm in tears here. Thank you so much for sharing Ruby's life with us.
Ruby was aptly named, as she was indeed a jewel. She wouldn't have wanted you to cry (but would have understood, if you did).
