Janay Rice on being slugged by NFL husband Ray: I find it hard ‘to accept being called a victim’

[demmiblue]

Source: Raw Story

Janay Rice, the wife of pro football player Ray Rice, spoke up for her husband in an interview with ESPN and explained what happened on the night he knocked her out inside an Atlantic City elevator, an incident that led to widespread criticism of the National Football League (NFL) for its policies regarding domestic violence.

“I still find it hard to accept being called a ‘victim,’” she said. “I know there are so many different opinions out there about me — that I’m weak, that I’m making excuses and covering up abuse — and that some people question my motives for staying with Ray.”

<snip>

“We were drunk and tired and while I know that some people may find it hard to believe, none of the six of us can remember exactly what Ray and I were arguing about. It was that insignificant,” she recalled. “As we were arguing, he was on his phone and not looking at me. I went to reach for his phone, and when he grabbed it back, he spit at me and I slapped him.”

The couple then went into an elevator, where Ray punched her, knocking her unconscious. Janay told ESPN that she remembers nothing from the incident, but that he later told her that she slapped him again before he struck her. The security camera footage also shows Ray pick her up then put her on the floor face-down.

“The video didn’t make me rethink our relationship, but I did want more of an explanation from him,” she said. “I asked him why he left me on the floor like that. I asked him how he felt when he saw that I was unconscious. He told me he was in shock. I asked him what happened when we got out of the elevator. He told me he was terrified because security was there. I asked him how he felt seeing me like that. He said he was thinking, ‘What did I just do?” I didn’t watch the video again.”

Read more: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/11/janay-rice-on-being-slugged-by-nfl-husband-ray-i-find-it-hard-to-accept-being-called-a-victim/

I think it says a lot that: 1) she doesn't view herself as a victim, and 2) she didn't even rethink her relationship with a man that punched her to the point of being unconscious. I do not blame her, of course... domestic abuse is a very complex issue. I just hope she stays safe.

[VanillaRhapsody]

1. Stockholm Syndrome.....

I also did not think myself a victim when my ex husband beat me 16 long years....

Its part of the brainwashing......you are led to believe everyone behaves like this behind closed doors. My brainwashing began watching my father beat my mother.....my personal mantra at the time "but its not as bad as what Dad did to Mom".

[treestar]

2. These people both need counseling

she thinks it "insignificant" when she slaps him and he punches her? Sounds like she is violent too, but she's going to lose and she is the smaller person.

[NYC_SKP]

4. Yes, and counseling should be a condition of any future sports contracts.

I don't see a reason why it couldn't be.

[R B Garr]

3. "We were drunk...". See, that's what I was suspecting because

if they have drinking problems, that's where a lot of her denial comes from. A person, especially a woman, who drinks excessively probably has a lot of personal guilt about her alcohol reliance/dependency and they blame a lot of things on themselves.

[Logical]

5. I at this point have no idea what is wrong with her. She needs mental therapy. She is confused. nt

[Mojo Electro]

15. She must be

It's not like she has her own agency and can speak for herself.

[bettyellen]

17. Sadly, she is more concerned with what people think than her own safety...

A common concern of the abused is to keep it hidden. How's that "agency" working out for her?

[Mojo Electro]

22. Thank goodness

you are here to figure it all out for her. The fact that you put "agency" in quotes says alot.

[bettyellen]

24. she is not having an easy time accepting reality, in case if you have not noticed

but go ahead and defend her choices by hiding behind the "agency" bullshit.
she is a victim no matter how hard she- and others like you- want to minimize that.

[Mojo Electro]

27. Once again...

It's really great that she and others like her can rely on you to make these decisions for them, and to help them to understand how little their own silly little opinion matters.

[bettyellen]

30. Nope, she admits herself her own head isn't on straight. if she were to say "I have a hard time

accepting I am a woman, or an african american" it would betray a similar disconnect to reality that is unhealthy.
She (and you) are entitled to her own feeling, but the fact is, she was badly victimized. Her -and your discomfort- with admitting it are both all too common reactions to abuse. Common as dirt, as just as useful.

[Gormy Cuss]

32. Trivializing abusive behavior not demonstrating one's own agency.

Perhaps you're confusing the meaning of the term.

[SoCalDem]

37. She is a young woman with a young child, and who happens to (for now)

be living a luxurious life..For NOW, she sees everything as manageable and worth the trade-off.

Many women bargain their own safety for the creature comforts.. I had a friend whose husband cheated on her constantly, and when asked how she put up with it, she said. "I have a gorgeous house, a new car and all the money I need..".. She eventually divorced the louse, but it was after she had squirreled away a sizable chunk, and had made sure she was entitled to at least half of what they owned together..and she made sure they had NO MORE KIDS..


When their son was about 7, they divorced.. she married again later and had 3 more kids, and was very happy..

Jenay will probably come around once his career is over and the money is gone..

[TBF]

41. ^ This. She is being

pragmatic until she figures how to get the fuck out without being left homeless. Controlling, abusive people are good at keeping money away from their spouses too.

Everyone tells you to "stay safe". Well, sometimes staying put (at least for awhile) is the way to do that.

[snooper2]

39. Maybe she should get an account on DU so we can help tell her why she is so fucked up!

Or everyone can send her some tweets!

[Logical]

40. Darn, you are right. She sounds fine. No problem there. nt

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

6. She's a bigger, stronger woman than a lot of us

but she's no match for a football player. Too bad that it seems like they both accept violence as a normal part of a relationship, especially when drinking.

Imo, they both need counseling, and she especially needs counseling if she wants to remain alive.

[NastyRiffraff]

7. What bothered me most about the video...

Was that Ray treated her like a thing, not as a human being. Here's a big, strong, football player who could have easily lifted her, cradled her in his arms, and what does he do? He drags her unconscious body out of the elevator.

I think she loves him. I also think she fears him. Yes, those two can and indeed often do co-exist.

[bettyellen]

19. He's only concerned with himself: "He told me he was terrified because security was there."

..........I asked him how he felt seeing me like that. He said he was thinking, ‘What did I just do?” '

Not a lick of concern for her.

[ScreamingMeemie]

20. Her entire interview was just painful.

[azmom]

26. Yep. Was terrified because security was there.

That was his concern. Poor woman. I hope she survives him.

[NastyRiffraff]

28. I hope so too..

but unfortunately the likelihood that he'll do it again is very high, and usually domestic abusers escalate. I wouldn't be surprised if that incident weren't the first.

[SoCalDem]

38. Especially when all he needed to do, was to pick her up

and carry her out...telling the security guard she had too much to drink.. No one would have questioned him or probably even looked at the elevator tapes.. In many places, those tapes repeat over themselves after a time, so unless someone happened to see it, it might have never surfaced..

He's an uncaring guy who just dragged her out & had no interest in her condition..

[ScreamingMeemie]

8. "It was that insignificant,”

If he can treat you like that over something "that insignificant," imagine what he'll do to you when it's something "significant."

[Rex]

10. My exact thoughts. Something petty got her a knock out punch.

WTF would he do to her over something substantial? Run and don't look back is my advice. Before it is too late.

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. Agreed.

When I was a teenager I dated the proverbial "bad boy." Once, during an argument, he kicked out my windshield as we were both sitting in the car. When I got home, my father said,"If he can do that to your car, he can do that to your face." I ran and didn't look back.

[davidpdx]

34. He kicked out the windshield from inside the car?

As in clean out? Geez... Your father was indeed correct.

[seabeyond]

12. Something petty got her a knock out punch.

this

[Rex]

14. I feel sorry for her not being able to look at her life objectively.

That can be a hard thing to do for all of us, but for her own personal safety - run and don't look back is my advice. IMO, ANY man that would knock his wife/gf out doesn't really love her or even respect her as another living creature. I don't give two shits if drugs are involved...excuses don't mend hearts or black eyes.

[TeamPooka]

9. I hope she can be as happy not being a victim when her husband is selling life insurance. nt

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. Respectfully asking if you are implying that she is only with him for the money.

Is that what you are implying?

[TeamPooka]

16. I can't define their love. She married him after this incident. She seems to accept a dehumanizing

position here though.
Is it for an upscale lifestyle?
I wonder why she is rationalizing in this way.

[bettyellen]

18. "just asking questions" LOL, okaaay then.

[TeamPooka]

31. You're right it must be true love and masochism.

[lumberjack_jeff]

21. Their violence, like that in about half of violent relationships, was reciprocal.

The entire cycle of violence in relationships must be addressed to have any chance of success. Selecting a "victim" and an "abuser" in those situations is ultimately counterproductive.

If both parties can examine their actions, and own them, there is reason for optimism.

[Gormy Cuss]

33. While both need to examine their actions, this is not an equivalent event.

Spit and slap vs. knocking someone out cold= not even close.

To be sure they BOTH would benefit from intervention. A relationship where violence is viewed this casually and where drinking to a point where nobody remembers what started the fight is not a healthy relationship.

[lumberjack_jeff]

36. Violence tends to escalate. Better to stop it early. n/t

[uppityperson]

43. if 1 person can examine and own their actions, there is reason for optimism.

If she can figure out why she does what she does, why she does not consider herself a victim, decides it is time to change her actions and get help, there is reason for optimism.

If he can examine his over reactions and violence and stop doing so in the face of anything he considers triggers, there is hope.

I don't care if someone spits on you, you don't get to hit them. Ignore them, walk away, etc. But hitting, knocking someone out and casually dragging them out of an elevator by 1 leg is not ok in any way.

[Drunken Irishman]

23. Holy shit, woman. You're not making it better.

1. Your argument was so insignificant and yet it led him to KNOCKING YOU THE FUCK OUT? Really?!?

2. HE SPIT IN YOUR FACE? WTF, WOMAN?

3. HE KNOCKED YOU OUT.

[demmiblue]

25. edit: people like this aren't worth it.

[davidpdx]

35. Yeah, his actions that night from the very beginning of the argument tell a lot about what he

thinks of her. At the same time she seems to be willing to forgive him in order to save his career.

The whole thing really leaves me at a loss for words.

[azmom]

29. Does this woman not have any

Women friends in her life to advice her. A mother, a sister, anyone?

[uppityperson]

42. Domestic violence is a complex issue and she is the face of DV.

You aren't a victim. You contributed. The abuser was worried mostly about what people would think of him/her. You have few friends. People can not understand why you stay and those who are judgemental leave you.

She is typical DV victim.

You can not get help until you are ready to get help, but once you make the decision to seek help, it is there by caring non-judgemental people.