Adoption, the conventional wisdom is it's bad. I have a little experience, and I say Pfui.

[Savannahmann]

Now, that means I was adopted. But wait, there is more to the story. My brother was also adopted. Now, I don't know if he's my real biological brother and I don't care. My Father was adopted by his parents.

There has been a growing trend in the media, that children who are adopted are always missing something because they don't have access to their genetic roots. I say this is nonsense. A family is about love. I mean unconventional love, understanding, and support. I have come to the aid of my brother, and he's come to mine. My Father supported me and loved me until the day he died. http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/please-dont-tell-me-i-was-lucky-to-be-adopted/2014/12/31/9e9e9472-6f48-11e4-ad12-3734c461eab6_story.html

I've never searched for my biological mother, father, or siblings. I have no intention of doing so. Part of my outlook on life is that People make the best choices for themselves and their families. So whoever my biological mother was, it doesn't matter. She made her choice, and I don't need to understand the why, the why doesn't matter. I was loved like any child. When I was a boy and I got hurt I saw the terror in the faces of my parents. I saw the horror that I had been injured. They paid for clothing, toys, school, braces, dental work, and all the other associated costs.

I don't care what my genetic tree looks like. I don't care where my ancestors came from. Nothing they did is my fault, nor my problem. I don't care if my ancestors were pirates in the Caribbean, or peasant workers in Lithuania. I am speaking of my biological family.

A Father is more than the guy who injected the semen that combined with the egg to start you. A Father teaches you right, and wrong. A Father tells you when you've done well, and when you haven't. He shows you the strength it takes to work a long career, day in and out, through good times and bad. A Father stands up beside you when you've done well, and when you've done something wrong and are about to have punishment handed out. I was fortunate to have one that loved me, and stood by me in good, and bad. When I had earned accolades and chastisement, he was there.

A Mother is more than the woman who carries you in her womb. She tends to your injuries, comforts you when you're sick, smiles when you're happy. She watches you and works with your Father to teach you those lessons you need so desperately. She teaches you that there is more than you, and then more than the family. They teach you your duties, and responsibilities to the family, the community, the society, the nation, and the people of the world. Decades of effort go into being a Mother, and I can't imagine having a better one than I had.

Decades go into being a parent.

Now, neither my Brother, nor I have ever had any desire to seek out our Birth Parents. When I called to talk to my folks about my decision to marry. My mother blurted out that she thought I had called to say I was searching out my Birth Parents. I know she could hear my frown over the phone. Why I asked her. She explained that those stories were all on the news, and she just figured I would want to. I told her then the one truth I have known since my earliest memory. I have parents, and I love them, and they have never shown me anything but love. Even when they punished me to teach me a lesson, I knew love.

Robert Frost said that Home was the place when you have to go there, they have to take you in. I had a home, and I put that to the test. During my life I have experienced some setbacks, as we all have. I had to go home. I moved into the basement, and I was welcomed. No questions other than how they could help me.

So to all of those who think that you are supposed to feel lost, adrift, or somehow incomplete if you aren't part of your biological family. I can tell you this. You are supposed to feel how you feel. I don't know why my Biological mother gave me up. I believe that she did it because she thought it was best for her, and me. I am in no position decades later to question her decision. I have no right to judge her now, decades later, for her choices. Those choices do not make me what I am.

While it is true we have genetic predispositions. Cancer, heart disease, and all of that and then some. What makes us who we are is our environment. The lessons we learn, from our parents, our schools, literature, and life make us who we are. I was not born a Democrat. I was not born Liberal. I was born. I learned the rest as time went by. I was not born to respect the ideals of right and wrong. I was taught that.

I have no idea who my Biological mother or Father was. I don't know why they gave me up. I don't know what happened to them afterwards. I don't care. While I obviously hope they lived long and fulfilling lives, I don't care about them more than anyone else alive at that time. My Family raised me, stood me on my feet, and gently nudged me out into the world. When I had to circle back to the nest, they welcomed me home. When they passed from this world, I wept at the loss, and thanked them for making me a good person, a good man.

I am grateful I had good parents. That they did not bring me into this world is irrelevant. I am grateful because I appreciate their sacrifice and effort. Because I was adopted, I know this truth. They would have done the same for any child that had been blessed to arrived in their hearts and called family. That's why I feel lucky. Because that child was me and my Brother.

Oh, and my Brother married a woman who had a child. That child did not understand why our family loved her without reservation. She did not understand for a couple years why we cared for her, and why we welcomed her so much.

She finally understood. You don't get born into our family. You get loved in.

[Donald Ian Rankin]

1. What conventional wisdom are you referring to? N.T.

[Savannahmann]

3. Several articles over the last few years.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/speaking_out/adoption_is_unfair.htm

You can find dozens, several dozen articles, and advocacy groups that Adoption hurts the children. I wanted to post my story, so people know that it's nonsense. From the link in the OP

Adoptees are about 2.5 times as likely to attempt suicide than non-adoptees, according to a 2001 study of adopted adults published by the American Academy of Pediatrics. A 2000 study in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry concluded that adoptees are twice as likely as non-adoptees to have received counseling. And prevalence of substance abuse was 43 percent higher among adoptees than non-adoptees, according to a 2012 study published in the journal PLOS One.

You must make the best choices you can. If you are pregnant, and feel you can't care for the child. There are more reasons than I can list in a single day you would come to that conclusion, then adoption is a choice that may fit.

Don't let the hype about how awful it is for the child get in the way. I can tell you this, in my case, and that of my Brother, my Father, and my Niece, it is going very well. Three generations, and we have no regrets about that part of our lives.

[Takket]

2. I've never heard of adoption being characterized as bad...

Quite the opposite in fact. Adoption is usually lauded as a way to get children into a loving home that would not have one otherwise.

There are cases where some seek out their biological parent to satisfy their own curiosity and the media assists them in their goal. To each his own i guess. I don't see how that diminishes the adoption process of the bond between the child and their adoptive parents.

[Proud Public Servant]

6. Not so much "bad" as "traumatic"

As an adoptee, I can't help but notice the popular discourse on adoption; for the last ten years or so there's been a distinct thread of "adoption leaves a child incomplete," especially regarding adoptions where the birth-mother gave up all rights of contact. This discourse purports to be sympathetic to adoptees (it's a staple of therapeutic talk TV like Dr. Phil), but I think a lot of us find it pretty insulting.

[Savannahmann]

22. I won't dare speak for you.

For me, it was satisfaction with my current situation. Not long ago, I filled out another health questionnaire for my Doctor. In the appropriate slots, I wrote my standard answer to the question. "Family Medical History". I wrote None.

I don't have any family medical history, and that may be the only thing I am lacking. But in all of those risk categories, theoretically I would find signs of most of them anyway. If my blood pressure is up, then I'm going to treat it no matter how my Grandfather died. If my tests show increased blood sugar and the Doctor expresses concern, I'm not going to argue and say no history of Diabetes in my family man, move on. I'm going to either listen, or ignore him, as I am going to do. If I'm smart, I'll listen. If I'm dumb, I'll ignore him.

I don't have the slightest desire to find out about my Birth Parents. It makes no difference to me if they were artists, singers, protesters, drug addicts, criminals, authoritarians, or anarchists. The old Doctor Lawyer Indian Chief rhyme comes into play here.

None of that matters. What matters is the man I've become, and the parents I tried to live up to. I told my Father a few months before he died. If I end up being half the man he is, I will consider my life a success. I know I can never exceed him. I can never be as honorable, as wise, as compassionate, nor as clear thinking. I am a pale imitation of that old man.

I could and do say the same about my Mother. I do not waste time wishing for a life that wasn't. I don't sit around and grump because I didn't get the right toy at Christmas. That we lived in the wrong neighborhood. That's another lesson I learned. We do the best we can, with what we have. It may not be perfect, and some days it may seem like it's just not enough. But we do what we can, with what we have.

[Duppers]

24. then you've not met enough...

Southern bigots!

I'm a southern gal with adopted cousins whom my bigoted mother and gmother never accepted. The icing on that shitcake attitude is that they really hurt my aunt by making their opinions known, repeatedly!! My aunt recently died; her o.b. left off my mother!! Surprise, surprise! Just a bit of payback that shocked old mom.

[pnwmom]

26. There is an active "adoptee rights" movement that seems to think adoption is harmful

under most circumstances, at least. Some are active posters here.

[yeoman6987]

4. My Father and his brother were adopted

Not biological brother but adopted at different times a few years apart. Neither one ever had an interest in finding their biological family and so far never have at ages 69 and 72. Their parents and my grandparents were awesome so why go and find biological parents who might have had reasons both don't need to know when she put them up for adoption.

[Proud Public Servant]

5. Gotta agree

Adopted here as well, as was my sister (we're definitely not related by blood). I may look for my birth family someday only because having a family medical history would be useful; as far as I'm concerned, I have only one 'real" family, and I've known them for 50+ years.

Oh, and like your brother, I married a woman who already had a child, whom my family also accepted unconditionally. Even better: it took a few years, but she's now my adopted child.

[Adrahil]

7. My sister and father were adopted...

... Can't say I heard anyone consider it "bad."

Murphy sister is attempting to conduct a search for her biological parents now (both our parents are deceased), but we are close.

[Sunlei]

8. Sounds like you have a good and loving family. I think it is a positive that these days,

the "genetic roots" the info is available for those who want to know their birth information. It is Love that makes a family, 'Family for ever'.

[onecaliberal]

9. Thank you for this.

My daughter and son in law are in the process of adopting. We are thrilled beyond measure.

[theaocp]

10. Just remember,

"parent" is a verb, not a noun.

[Nye Bevan]

11. I have seen trans-racial adoption slammed as "cultural genocide" here on DU.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=5965548

But when I pointed out to the folks arguing this point of view that the same arguments were used to defend anti-misceganation laws, they quietened down somewhat.

[Coventina]

12. I actually walked away from DU for a year or so over that attitude.

Saying that white people were selfishly trying to erase their racial guilt by "stealing" black babies from their native culture.

Try telling that to Florent Amodio, abandoned as a toddler in the streets of Sao Paulo in Brazil, adopted by French parents (along with his sister) and now skates for France in the Olympics.

I'm sure he'd MUCH rather still be living in the slums of Sao Paulo, living a life of violence and crime (if he'd even still be alive).

[intheflow]

13. Why can't it be both/and?

Adoption is obviously awesome for some people and sucks for others, and runs the gamut in between. There are people who are curious about their birth parents (for both healthy and unhealthy reasons), and there are adoptive parents who should never be parents (just like non-adoptive parents). This binary "my experience is the only valid experience" baloney in our culture has to stop. This isn't an so much an invective of you - you are, after all, reacting as a product of both your adoptive experience and of binary culture - but of the media which pushes these either/or opinions which make things sound worse than they are.

[el_bryanto]

14. I am adopted as well -

I think it's mostly slammed when it is presented as an option to an abortion. In that context some people have a very strong reaction to it.

Bryant

[Tribalceltic]

15. I am truly happy for you.

Please understand that each adoption is a unique and individual experience. I am not against adoption, but I think that any person should have the right to information about themselves when they become adults.

My wife was adopted (or kidnapped, stolen or sold) depending on the stories we can get from what little paperwork remains and stories from her family. On the day her adopted Mother passed away her father burned all of the paperwork regarding the adoption. Until her doctors started treating her for a disabling condition my wife had never even considered searching for her birth mother.

Everything she had been told turned out to be a lie. Her birth date could have been changed up to six months either way. We learned of a home for unwed mothers that had existed when she was born that routinely told the mothers that their children had been stillborn or died just after they left the delivery room. Records could be obtained for a $5,000 fee from the son of the owner, but shortly he destroyed them all.

We learned of orphan trains running all over the country. No paperwork just come aboard and pick a baby!

Genetic testing is available, for a price, and it's been dropping lately. They can isolate some diseases, and possible put one in contact with relatives. It may reveal very little.

People who want children can become desperate, and some people want children for very evil reasons.

Sorry to rain on your parade, but not all adoptees have happy lives.

[1monster]

16. I don't think I've ever met any adoptee who was sorry s/he was adopted. It isn't the adoption that

is the problem. It is the secrecy that used to be demanded by the adopting parents, agencies, and sometimes the biological parents that ignores what is often a basic human need to understand where we come from -- philosopically or literally.

My mother was adopted. She adored her adoptive father and didn't regret having been adopted by him at all. It was a differnt story with her adopted mother. Her adoptive parents were divorced when she was 13 and she stayed with her father. My personal take on my mother and her relationships with her adopted parents is that her father spoiled the heck out of my mother and her mother tired to instill some sort of discipline (we all know how situations like that can go).

However much she loved her fataher, she always had a need to connect with her biological family.

She learned that her adopted father was an aquaintence of her biological maternal grandfather. She had four other siblings, all older, three of whom survived. Her biological mother died when my mother was around a year old. Her biological father was overwhelmed by the need to care for four children, all under six years old in the darkesst days of the Depressison. Two of the children were adopted, two spent a lot of time being passed around by relatives. Later, the biological father remarried, fathered two more children and then died at 46 years old.

Having had no adoptive siblings, my mother was anxious to make contact with her biological family. Both biological parents were dead, so there was no meeting between them, however, there were some aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings. She made contact with them and enjoyed life long relationships with them.

This never harmed her relationship with her adopted father... he actually helped her make contact with some of them while my mother was still in her teens.

I know that my mother continued to adore her adopted father and enjoyed their relationship right up until he died. I rather think that finding one's biological family can actually strengthen the adopted families ties.


(on edit: corrected typo: I typed biological father when I meant adopted father

[abakan]

17. adopting a child is an act of love.

Giving a child up to be adopted is an act of hope for the future and profound love with the hope of giving your child a life and security you could not provide. I believe there can be no harder decision and no bigger love for the child, than putting their needs first. Your birth mother gave you two gifts, life and a stable loving family. When you think of her do it with appreciation for what she was able to give you.

I have done many things in my life, giving my child up is the greatest act of courage and love I have done.

[B2G]

18. I was adopted along with my siblings

Thank you for your post. I love this:

"You don't get born into our family. You get loved in."

[vanlassie]

19. The main reason adoptees have more problems surely has to do

with what happened to them in the early weeks and months following their birth. Unfortunately, especially in the past newborns did not get the vitally necessary chance to attach. This can lead to life long dysfunction which is very sad and preventable. But babies should be handed straight into the arms of their loving adopting parents.

[SheilaT]

20. Conventional wisdom says adoption is bad?

I don't think so. Two of my cousins were adopted, as were my husbands oldest brother an only sister. I always viewed adoption as an alternate way to have kids.

Yeah, sometimes adopted kids are screwed up in some way, but so are plenty of biological children. Genetics matters, but so does the home environment.

[Duppers]

27. good point. nt

[xchrom]

21. i'm adopted as well -- couldn't love my folks more.

and i always knew my folks loved me more than words.

[Scuba]

23. As the father of two adopted children (now adults) I say "bunk" to that conventional wisdom.

[Duppers]

25. You brought tears to my eyes.

Well said! So well said.

Thank you!

[spartan61]

28. My son and daughter in law adopted

two little boys. They are as much my grandchildren as the other grandchildren I have.

[pathansen]

29. Agree

From what I have heard, they tend to get more love than many regular families.

[eccl]

30. not adopted

but I could read you for evah. In some ways half-brothers and sisters have a bit of the same adaptation, adjustment, grappling, I would think. And that's where I come in. It's a great feeling to suddenly have a rich influx of love, whether it be 2 or 20 years after you're born. Feelgood is always a good thing.
TY for your insight and perspective.