Patriots Tap Dick Cheney As Cheating Coordinator
FOXBOROUGH, Ma – With the Super Bowl just a week away, the New England Patriots have found themselves embroiled in another cheating scandal, this time involving footballs. Known as “Deflategate”, the incident involves quarterback Tom Brady playing with balls deflated to below regulation pressure. A team is less likely to drop or fumble soft balls in slippery conditions.
While both Brady and head coach Bill Belichick have denied tampering with any balls, Brady went a step further, declaring how he prefers his balls, “I’m not squeezing them” and “I don't want anyone rubbing them.”
Meanwhile, Patriots owner Robert Kraft is said to be furious that another proprietary business system has been leaked to the press. During the 2007 Super Bowl run, the Patriots and were discovered to have been secretly spying on opposing teams defensive signals, resulting in Roger Goodell handing down strong words and petty penalties to Belichick and the team.
Sources close to negotiations say that after the latest scandal emerged, Kraft reached out to Dick Cheney, offering him a position as cheating coordinator. “His main job will be to coordinate all the various cheats we have going on at any given time. Dick Cheney and Bill Belichick share a certain chemistry. It’s a good match,” according to the source.
Some analysts say Cheney is on his way to the top job as NFL commissioner. If so, he would push aside his former war crimes partner, Condi Rice, who has long expressed interest in the position. “Everyone agrees Roger Goodell has been a disappointment. The Ray Rice thing was badly handled. Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face with a shotgun and the friend apologized for causing Dick Cheney any trouble. Condi can’t bring that kind of credibility to the league,” according to sources inside the NFL.
Insiders say Cheney is already hard at work drafting new rules for the NFL. The Patriots Act is said to permit spying, equipment tampering and abuse while granting plausible deniability to the NFL commissioner, whose $44 million per year salary (before bonuses) requires strong defensive measures.
Meanwhile the NFL has been striking back at critics with a new ad campaign. “We’re the world’s largest tax-exempt non-profit with revenues over $9 billion dollars. We do it to save the children.”
= new reply since forum marked as read
Anyone remember that Onion article?
