Are there any trained cryptologists here? I need help deciphering this

[jmowreader]

We ran this letter a few days ago:

According to my understanding, God is the potter; we’re the clay. He says a dog chases the cat. The devil in his pride said the equivalent of the cat should chase the dog. All babies are born asexual and sexuality is taught. I think not long ago we handled hermaphrodites as female by surgically removing the penis. Being married myself for most of my life, my sexuality does not get aired publicly. Public displays of affection are muted compared to the truth found in the Bible. In the book of Romans, it is noted that as a whole, societies like the LGBT are out to recruit or at least find acceptance by force for a lifestyle that is after what? Sexuality in public. This is not OK in the heterosexual community and the same should be for non-traditional unions. Marriage is from our Creator, and as created beings, life works better when we act in our place.

http://cdapress.com/opinion/letters_to_editor/article_fc55ac92-b316-11e4-b879-f7f01c3f9af9.html

Mr. Phelps, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to tell me just what the hell this man is trying to say.

[PoliticAverse]

1. I believe this is what is known as a 'cry for help'...

either that or the writer just thinks same-sex marriage is really bad.

[jmowreader]

3. And he wouldn't be the only one to make those cries

[REP]

2. "My cat's breath smells like cat food"

[Ramses]

13. LOL

[Fred Sanders]

4. "I hate myself"? Not trained, just an educated guess.

[mercuryblues]

5. Sounds

like someone read the bible while smoking crack and thinks they have superior understanding.

[Thor_MN]

6. I keep forgetting if I've taken Nyquil or not. Why is the bottle empty?

[Panich52]

7. Sounds like a believer who's trying to sound rational about conflicting ideas

Maybe he reads his faith, or his personal community reads it, as against anything besides hetero. Yet he seems to think his god created people as they are and the anomolies confuse him. He also sounds against public affection, and lgbts engaging in it causes him grief (cuz he's so confused?).

Or he's on acid or shrooms and is rambling.

[progressoid]

8. Send it to Sarah Palin.

She can translate it to Palinesse. And then have Bill Shatner read it.

You still won't understand it but it will be more entertaining.

[DisgustipatedinCA]

9. They're working on a Palinizer algorithm so that we don't have to send anything to her.

It's still in development, this algorithm, but they're seeing very promising results when the programmers consume bath salts before coding sessions.

[seveneyes]

10. Easy

[NuclearDem]

11. I can lettering to the editor

[Ramses]

12. Looks like something Sarah Palin would write sober

[3catwoman3]

14. Sarah?

Is that you?