I am doing online dating

[strawberries]

Someone explain something to me about men

I read post where one man doesn't want a woman who is over weight to contact him he also said that If you are older than 59 please do not give him a wink or email as he is not interested.

Now this guy sent me an email about wanting to get to know me.
I responding with I don't date men who are 5'7" you at least have to be 5'10". Even if you were 5'10" you look about 80 years old and that is just too old for me. BTW you need to start doing sit ups cause your beer belly is offensive

I ended it with, Now how do you feel?

Someone save me, I hate online dating, but my cats and dogs are even getting tired of me.

What is it with men who only want the perfect woman when they are so far from perfect themselves?

explain please

[Cooley Hurd]

1. There aren't males in your social circles?

I'd avoid the whole "online dating" thing.

(Confession: I met my SO here on DU. )

[strawberries]

2. I sort of live in the middle of nowhere

I telecommute half the week and go into the office the other half. most men are younger than me or married.

I don't have a social circle although some have suggested I attend church events. Everybody my age around me is married or there is just no interest

You met your SO o DU! Wow that is kind of cool

[Cooley Hurd]

5. Where else could I meet a like-mind politically?

Church events are cool, but I'd bet you'd have better luck (and choices) at local Dem events.

[mopinko]

22. there have been several du marriages.

my dogs are getting tired of me, too.
i live on a block full of divorced men. all for a reason.

about to resort to it myself. your post makes me think it might be more fun than i thought.

[Skittles]

121. what is wrong with younger men?

that could be an issue right there if you are ruling THEM out

[liberalhistorian]

37. You too?

Hubby and I met here on DU nine years ago. A lot better than an OLD site, lol; they're too often depressing, although there are success stories.

[Cooley Hurd]

46. It's the best place to meet like-minded people!

...however, it's a tough gig. You don't want to be creepy, but when you're communicating to another DUer, and it's established that you live near them, AND you have similar interests (established by membership of DU), it just sorta comes together.

20 years from now, there will be a newbie that posts on DU for the first time, and will tell the story about how his/her parents met on DU. I hope they name the baby "Skinner".

[BlancheSplanchnik]

184. I'm tempted to post an "I'm single and looking"OP

I guess the Lounge would be the right place, but more folks know me here in GD.


The age limits set up by MEN on the dating sies.... 57 year olds setting 50 as their upper limit.... 25 is their lower limit. Try to say Hi to a guy when you're 2 years above their limit, and they don't even bother to reply.

Oh how I wanna reach through the computer and strangle them.

[Aerows]

162. I know for a fact of another DU hookup

(no, not mine, just a friend's).

They are very happy.

I'm just happy if my socks match up in the morning.

[RiverLover]

3. Love your response!!! /nt

[FSogol]

4. Do you know what you call a man who wants a perfect partner?

Single. Or lonely.

[1StrongBlackMan]

151. And bitter. n/t

[SMC22307]

6. There is no "perfect" anyone.

Don't let them get to you. Use the Block/Ignore/Delete functions liberally. If you're interested in a serious relationship, good luck. I dabbled in online dating years ago and found most looking for sex.com rather than dating.com. And there's nothing wrong with wanting someone within a specific age range -- that's not demanding "perfection." My range for serious dating was about 7 years older or younger, but was bombarded by younger men looking for NSA fun.

Any Meet-up groups in your area? Hiking? Dining? Politics? Performing Arts?

[strawberries]

9. I did block him after I sent him the email

I guess I just need to try looking harder in my own back yard, so to speak. I do like to hike, not so much into Arts, very interested in politics, but that always seems to turn into an argument. Doesn't work well for me

I have a month membership. I'll see what happens

[SMC22307]

17. Well, good luck. There are success stories, but also horror stories.

Sometimes it's easy to weed out those who aren't serious, but some are really good at the game.

[CrispyQ]

27. Meetup.com

Like the poster above said. It's a great online way to connect with local people who have similar interests.

I'm an old married woman, but I listen to my younger friends talk about online dating & they have some hair raising stories! But two of them have met their SO's that way.

Good luck.

[marlakay]

110. Sierra Club in your area?

They have hikes for singles.

Other idea is a local gym, I find more democrats are at my gym even though my area is more conservative. I wonder about that sometimes, it is always the lefties out hiking, biking, etc in my mountain area.

[pnwmom]

49. But when a man's required dating range is younger than he is, that's obnoxious. n/t

[woolldog]

65. No it's not.

Many women prefer older men.

And I don't see the problem with him not wanting an overweight woman either.

[pnwmom]

66. Okay, a fat older man wants to date only thin younger women.

I still think that's obnoxious.

[woolldog]

67. I don't.

He said he preferred women under 59 who are not overweight. Seems reasonable to me.

[pnwmom]

69. Except he's probably closer to 80 and is fat. Why is that reasonable?

[woolldog]

70. How do you know how old he is?

I didn't see that in the OP. And how do you know he is fat? And so what if he is? Opposites attract sometimes, and skinny men might be looking for a woman with some meat on her and vice versa. Is it unreasonable for a skinny man to seek a woman with some meat on her? Is it unreasonable for a short woman to prefer a tall man? Maybe his last gf was fat and he wants a change or maybe his last gf was thin and that's what he wants.

I don't like this practice of quibbling with other people's preferences in a partner b/c we are offended we don't conform to them. It is narcissistic and reeks of insecurity. If the OP were a secure, confident women she would have just moved on instead of lashing out and attacking him personally when he did no such thing to her.

[pnwmom]

76. Because I read the OP.

"Even if you were 5'10" you look about 80 years old and that is just too old for me. BTW you need to start doing sit ups cause your beer belly is offensive"

[woolldog]

88. Obviously said in spite

because the guy's age and weight preferences triggered OPs insecurities. I wouldn't read much into that.

[LanternWaste]

146. As it doesn't validate your presumptions, I suppose you wouldn't...

"I wouldn't read much into that."

As it doesn't validate your presumptions, I suppose you wouldn't...

[woolldog]

160. Big is "in" now.

Who cares if he's fat? He wants what he wants. And if he can't get it who cares? If he can, more power to him.

[smirkymonkey]

190. The problem is that there are too many men who are 2's and 3's that are looking

for women who are 9's and 10's. It's just not going to happen. If they would get a little more realistic about their options, they might actually meet someone that could be right for them. Too many people overestimate their attractiveness to the opposite sex.

[SMC22307]

71. No it isn't. I'm female and was open to +/- 7 years' age difference.

You're being awfully judgmental based on what little info was offered up in the OP.

[pnwmom]

73. But he will ONLY date younger women. That's not comparable. nt

[SMC22307]

80. That's his preference, just as there are women who wouldn't date older.

I know, at one time in my life I was one of them. And what more do we know about the guy from the OP? I'm not jumping on the DU "Men are Pigs" bandwagon.

Perhaps you haven't spent much time online dating, but it cuts all ways. Men who want BBWs. Men who want slender. Men who want big boobs. Women who want full heads of hair. Women who wouldn't consider dating a guy with a beer gut. Women for whom excess bodily hair is a deal-breaker. Men and women who require certain education levels. Now that I think back to it, online dating could be pretty toxic.

Some of the replies in this thread seem rather "controlling." Which some men and women may or may not like.

[pnwmom]

99. I think most of these people are nuts.

No wonder so many relationships don't work. People are focused on the wrong things.

[SMC22307]

103. THAT I agree with.

It's like kids in a candy shop. Carpet-bombing dating. One less-than-stellar date and that person is ruled out. Eyes not spaced just the right amount apart -- tough noogies, sucker!

Although I was a little guilty of it, too, but I'll spare DU the gory details.

[pnwmom]

105. If someone had given me a check-off list of all the things I theoretically wanted

in a husband, I'm positive I wouldn't have ended up with the man I've shared more than three decades with.

Thank goodness I met him the old fashioned way -- randomly, through other people. You don't know who you might love till you get to know the person.

[daredtowork]

83. OK Cupid did the math to prove men are obnoxious

They keep hoping for a 20 year old even when they are 80.

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/christian-rudder-dataclysm-okcupid/#ss-3

[dawg]

97. I agree with you.

I don't think it's reasonable to demand criteria out of a potential date that I don't even meet myself. (And vice-versa, of course.)

[Omaha Steve]

50. NSA fun????

I'm going with National Security Agency (NSA)

[lovemydog]

61. I think it means no strings attached.

[Omaha Steve]

74. NO strings attached

Bondage is out then?

[SMC22307]

72. Yes, Edward Snowden and pole-dancing ballerina.

Online fun!

NSA = no strings attached

[riderinthestorm]

7. My daughter met her SO on match.com. Been together 6 years now

Good luck! I think you're answer is perfect!

[BlueJazz]

8. If you want to meet prospective partners you need to work at it. I wouldn't touch online dating..

...with the proverbial 10 ft pole....unless it was some forum I've been a member of like DU or whatever.
I know you've heard this before but are there groups in your town that meet every 2 weeks or so. Ares there places that have men of your age (and liking)?

The answer to your question involves those sweet "3 little words"...Men are pigs.

[strawberries]

10. LOL nt

[pintobean]

24. Jury results

On Sun Mar 8, 2015, 10:31 AM an alert was sent on the following post:

If you want to meet prospective partners you need to work at it. I wouldn't touch online dating..
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=6331929

REASON FOR ALERT

This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate.

ALERTER'S COMMENTS

"Men are pigs"? That shit shouldn't fly on DU, just like the equivalent of, say, "women are crazy."

You served on a randomly-selected Jury of DU members which reviewed this post. The review was completed at Sun Mar 8, 2015, 10:43 AM, and the Jury voted 3-4 to LEAVE IT.

Juror #1 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE
Explanation: No explanation given
Juror #2 voted to HIDE IT
Explanation: This post violates DU's community standards by failing to create a positive atmosphere.
Juror #3 voted to HIDE IT
Explanation: Inappropriate.
Juror #4 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE
Explanation: No explanation given
Juror #5 voted to HIDE IT
Explanation: No explanation given
Juror #6 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE
Explanation: No explanation given
Juror #7 voted to LEAVE IT ALONE
Explanation: This isn't an honest alert.

Thank you very much for participating in our Jury system, and we hope you will be able to participate again in the future.

[John Poet]

30. That is, without a doubt,

the most pathetic thing I have ever seen.

Is that how things work around here?
Over that comment? It's like a kangaroo court.

Besides, the poster was right.
Speaking as a man..... men are pigs.

We can't help it, it's in our genes.
We spend our lives trying to rise above our genetic pig inclinations...

... or hide them, with varying degrees of success.

But deep down....... oink oink.

So, IMHO, calling up a kangaroo court over that remark was
disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate.

And if you don't like that.... well, GFY!

[BlueJazz]

35. Thank you John for pointing that out. There's 2 people on this forum that hate my guts.

Which is fine if that's how they feel. I know who they are and so do they.
My thought is >Let them have their little fun. This forum is too good to let it bother me....plus there are thousands of wonderful people here also.

[mythology]

155. You might be a pig

But I'm not. A comment that said women are gold diggers wouldn't stand (rightfully so). What's pathetic is labeling an entire group based on one person.

[Pooka Fey]

171. +1

[woolldog]

159. Speak for yourself.

You don't speak for all men.

[John Poet]

164. But I just did.

Deal with it.

You might try growing a sense of humor too, it'll serve you well in life.

[woolldog]

165. Not finding your lame

jokes funny =/= lacking a sense of humor.

[Sparhawk60]

174. Speak for Your Self

I am a man, I am not a pig. Have you ever asked your self why you have such low self-esteem?

[Inkfreak]

176. Speak for yourself

[elehhhhna]

75. wow not cool. men are pigs stands?

[pintobean]

77. Yeah, I was #7

and I'm a man.

[BlueJazz]

26. "3 little words"...Men are pigs. Comes from "Kathy" Cartoon.

Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you alerters?? Geez...

[bluedigger]

58. That's not being very nice to pigs.

Oink

[BlueJazz]

87. Of course, I meant Men who don't belong to DU.

We shall be referred to as Intelligent Manly Studs.

[bluedigger]

106. Well, of course!

Superior swine by definition here.

[Drahthaardogs]

41. What is wrong with being honest?

The man who posted he did not want to date older or overweight women was very direct and listed his preferences for dating. I don't understand why the OP felt the need to try to demean his own appearance. To what end was that? He is obviously very shallow and would not make a good partner for her. He was honest. Would you prefer he lead her on only to tell her later that physical appearances are important to him, and she did not meet his standard of beauty?

I would hazard a guess that since she is on this board, if she were to date him, she would likely find him fairly unattractive (he seems pretty shallow, maybe even vapid?). His honesty served his purpose and her purpose equally well. What is the problem here?



Are we going to police now the criteria people can and cannot have to date?

[BlueJazz]

45. My feelings are> Even if he was being honest, it's hard to tell who you'll fall in...

...love with. I've been in a store, saw a couple and thought "He must have a great personality cause I can't figure out if he's either extremely ugly or a very handsome monster". Yes, I know I shouldn't judge but I do have my faults.

With him pointing out, in a way, I don't like fat women, he insults a large section of the population and seems rather cruel.

Having said the above, your post could also be valid. Different strokes and all that.

[Drahthaardogs]

48. And when it became time to select a wife

I purposely chose an Italian-American woman. I did it because culturally, that is what I am used to, and having dated other girls who were not Italian-American, I found that I preferred a woman who shared the same food; culture, religion; language; and history as I do. It was easier. It still is easier.

Is that insulting to all non Italian-american women? I don't think so. I think it just means that personally, I was much more comfortable with a woman with whom I shared a lot of common experiences. I think discrimination is ugly, but I also think people should be allowed to have physical and cultural preferences in who they date without it being insulting to others.

[BlueJazz]

116. "Is that insulting to all non Italian-american women" Not at all. Somebody wanting that type of...

...woman is not going to cause the other women of the world to feel like they're not as good as an Italian-American woman. The other women are not going to cry or feel worthless.
I mean, we Americans (not me) tend to think Not fat=good Overweight=bad. It's such a big deal with a portion of the populace that (I feel) it's a little callous to mention it when dating.

Again> That's just the way I feel. There's no standard when dating and besides, I don't expect people to care how I feel.

[No Vested Interest]

182. Family member sought out spouse online in a group of his own

religion. I believe that it was important enough to him and eliminated a lot of possible problems - now and down the line.

If you have certain criteria, get it out front before engaging and taking up another person's time and expectations.

He conversed by phone for about a month before meeting the one he selected. They were engaged after second month. Now married.

[treestar]

57. The. He deserved the honest response

About his fat ugliness. Why were his feelings to be spared? And why can't we comment that no one who meets his standards will want him if that's our honest opinion?

[Drahthaardogs]

93. No, he did not deserve the "honest response".

He did not seek out the OP. She sought him out to try to humiliate him for his stated preferences, which she found insulting, even though they were not directed at her. Thanks for playing though.

[riderinthestorm]

95. Yes, he did seek out the OP. Re-read it nt

[Drahthaardogs]

98. You are right. I did not read it that he sent her an email first.

Well then, carry on and tell him he is ugly and not attractive to her either physically or intellectually. I have no issue with people being up front about their likes or dislikes. Some folks are into the "lifestyle", some like bigger women or men, some like S&M, HOT WIFE movements, etc.

I don't see the problem with getting it all out in the open up front.

[treestar]

123. You valued honesty; he put himself out there

He deserved honest responses. Yes, they were directed at all women on that site. FFS.

[Sherman A1]

96. Agreed

I believe the gentleman was upfront in his criteria. While it may be perceived as being shallow by some, he was clear, honest and open. I see no need for what appeared to be a very rude response to him, but obviously the poster differed in opinion.

[treestar]

55. Saying that enables them to be

That and claim they can't help it. They don't have to be and many aren't.

[smirkymonkey]

191. It's good to know that I am not the only person that thinks online dating is repellent

For some reason, the whole idea just turns me off. I would rather get a dog and be alone than put myself through the shallow world of online dating. I find it so distasteful. Actually, I am just very introverted and lazy. I wish there was an introverted and lazy meet-up group, because I would definitely go.

[BlueJazz]

196. I love and understand what you wrote but I find it hilarious also.

I'm introverted (in person) and I can certainly be rather Lazy.

What was funny to me is if there was a I and L group, I'd be too damn lazy to go to it.

[whathehell]

11. "What is it with men who only want perfect women when they are so far from perfect themselves?"

LOL! I'm a boomer & know exactly what you mean, and I've been experiencing

since I was a young, hot twenty something. Middle aged, beer bellied men would

approach me in a bar (admittedly, they were drunk) with cute 20 to 30 guys

around, and I'd think "What the hell"?! (hence, my namesake) and I just

didn't get it either. Some thought it was Male Menopause, but I think there's

a good deal of Male Entitlement at play too.

At around the same age, I recall two guys with whom I was friendly, laughingly

telling me how they'd card and turn away women who were clearly of legal

age, but not "cute" enough. In as nice a way as possible, I reminded them

that, since they were both balding and overweight, they weren't exactly prizes either.

They were taken back -- It clearly hadn't occurred to them that any such "demands"

should or could, be made of them as well.

[strawberries]

15. my kind of Gal

I like your response and you would be fun to go out with and have some laughs. All my friends are married and don't really go out.

Oh well this too shall pass..... I hope

[whathehell]

36. Wow, thanks..

I feel the same.

If we're not at a prohibitive distance from each other,

I'd be happy to meet up with you...I live in the Chicago 'burbs.

How about you?

[strawberries]

38. hi

I live in CT, NW Hills. I guess it would be an expensive commute, but a fun time

[whathehell]

44. Ha!

As it happens, I have a sister who lives in Litchfield.

That's the good news. The bad is that we've been estranged

for about four years now, so I don't see myself in the area for awhile.

[edgineered]

31. while playing pool with my team of younger guys last tuesday,

one was curious why i never fawned over the servers or ogled the women (basically girls) that come in. i'm not sure they really understood my answer of how no matter who you are or how young you are there is always going to be someone who thinks you're a creep. you don't want to be an old creep!

[strawberries]

39. I don't want to be an old creep

but I am getting up there. I would like to be like a good vintage wine

[edgineered]

100. be the pink kind, with lots of bubbles

my belief system is all out of kilter, age at your own risk! (the wine that is...)

[whathehell]

40. Great answer!

If your guys don't understand now, time will likely teach them.

[edgineered]

101. hmm, what the hell whathehell!

chances are against boys growing into men, odds are they'll turn out to be older males. sorry, don't mean to be preaching to the choir...

[hfojvt]

56. I kind of have some respect for their guts

They were at least willing to try.

Should they look at a woman who is attractive and think to themselves "she is out of my league" and slink off with their tail between their legs and go look for a woman who is ten years older than them and twenty pounds heavier?

They aren't going to get on base unless they swing at the ball.

[F4lconF16]

113. It takes no guts for an entitled man to hit on a younger woman in our society.

He has all the power, culturally. If his attentions are unwelcome, it doesn't matter. He can continue hitting on her. He can stare at her, ogle her. He can do basically how he pleases. Though this is an online environment, that only makes the issues worse, since there is no limit and no accountability. Harassment is common, not to mention the other tripe women have to put up online.

Yeah, there could be a couple men out there for whom it takes courage to tall to people. But I'll bet just about anything the guy in the OP is just another sexist older man who enjoys creeping on younger women.

Should they look at a woman who is attractive and think to themselves "she is out of my league" and slink off with their tail between their legs and go look for a woman who is ten years older than them and twenty pounds heavier

Being heavier doesn't make you in a lesser league, a lesser being than someone else. Yuch, these threads always leave me feeling dirty.

[woolldog]

119. "a sexist older man who enjoys creeping

on younger women"

He said no women older than 59!

[F4lconF16]

135. It's all relative, no? nt

[treestar]

59. Yep. Double standard

And eventually they have to settle as there are only so many 10 women in existence

[daredtowork]

84. The problem is men think money make up for their beer gut

and even worse, their money ENTITLES them to women in some way. Bringing that money means they've "won the prize" and that prize is the woman of their choice! And if that woman turns them down, they get very angry about it. (This is how a lot of sad stories of rape and/or abuse begin...).

[Arugula Latte]

137. I remember that as well...

...hanging out in bars where everyone was about 24 ... except some portly bald guys pushing 50 with the open shirts to display their manly chest hair. We thought they were pathetic.

[whathehell]

145. Please...Your excellent description of our former admirers is making me nostalgic..

[Arugula Latte]

147. Ha ha -- me too ... Now I'm the one pushing 50 ...

and once in awhile my husband and I go to some hipster bar where we are twice as old as everyone else...but at least we're not there to pick up on the youngsters! And we were recently at a concert where we were much older than almost everyone. We were the people handing out water bottles to the way-too-drunk kids around us. Once a parent, always a parent ...

[smirkymonkey]

192. I have noticed this too and it shocks me.

There are so many unattractive men who feel like they have the right to judge and reject women, yet they get enraged when women whom they would never have a chance with judge and reject them It's like they have absolutely no concept of their comparative attractiveness or worth in the dating market.

[whathehell]

194. Yep...I have no idea where this comes from

apart from a sense of male entitlement.

[edhopper]

12. No matter how you date

you will come across a lot of assholes and people who just aren't compatible.

Don't dwell on the losers. It's always hard to find the ones that a good, AND that also want to be with you. Just keep trying and remember you get to eliminate many without wasting date.

Men often want woman that aren't realistic, or at the least would never go out with them.
Woman often want men who are richer and more successful than would date them.

Works both ways.

Just keep your eyes on what is real and true.

Best of luck.

[HERVEPA]

13. Respectfully, have to disagree

The man stated his preferences. Different people have different characteristics they desire in intended dating partners.
Nothing wrong with telling you that up front.
Most dating sites have an area where you state such preferences anyhow.
I find your response more offensive than his post. He wrote his preferences on the site, not directed at you it appears.
You directed offensive post at him.
And women state such preferences on the dating sites as much or more so than men.

[lunatica]

14. What is it you want in a man and a relationship

Just make if very clear what you want, just like that man did. There's nothing wrong in that. At least when you put it online you have more anonymous choices, meaning you can be more yourself and say exactly what you said to that man. It's much harder when you meet someone in person who may be a friend of your best friend or a friend of a relative who might not like you talking like that to their friend. You can also say you just want a companion and that you will wait to see if it turns into more.

You can also weed out the assholes who are obvious misogynists online. But remember there are a lot of lonely people who are truly nice and decent. Asshole men or women have always been around. They think they can make the rules only to find out no one likes them. Screw them. At least they show themselves sooner when they're online. That's something to be thankful for.

[Treant]

16. Everybody has preferences

Let's face it, mine is Hugh Jackman. If you made me describe exactly what I'm looking for, that's it.

Believe me, I am no Hugh Jackman look-alike. But, well, they do ask your preferences.

I also have deal-breakers, just like anybody else. In your case, the deal-breaker was the personality you saw in the posting, which is fine, but it doesn't differ from a physical characteristic as a deal-breaker in any sense of the word.

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

18. The same that is wrong with women

What thirty year old woman wants to date a guy who is 60 pounds overweight and twenty years older...unless she's a certain type who will snatch him if he is rich.

Now...a nice, normal thirty year old woman might meet the guy in real life and like him, but he is definitely not what she is "looking for." Sorry.

And that's the point of on-line dating: to weed out what you aren't looking for. Seems blunt. But it is what it is, and when the guy with the pot belly realizes that he isn't going to find his real life Barbie, he'll lower his standards or drink his beer in his man cave and complain about women. But don't be fooled. Women have their standards, as well.

[Hoyt]

19. After my wife passed away, I met my lady on Match. A real turn off before that were

folks who said things like "I only date within my race," or even listing Conservative as their political preference. Some would even say "very" or "ultra" conservative.

I understand people feel that way, but just don't respond if someone doesn't meet your ideal. No need to make people feel bad just because you might get a few winks from people you have no interest.

I did meet some really nice people, including my life partner.

Had a few respond to me saying they'd be interested if I weren't a "liberal." I'd write back, what you can't see us walking hand in hand yelling at each other about politics.

I'm glad I had the option of online dating. Nowadays, it would have been tough to meet someone cool, otherwise.


Good luck.

[John Poet]

47. I recently found out that

my ex-wife turned raging right-winger sometime after we split. Turns out I was the only decent political influence she had, apparently. She was a good Democrat while we were married.

I ran into her Facebook profile, where she even had some anti-Obama
bumper-stickers that were pretty over-the-line.

Really made me sick. Then I felt dirty, somehow.



So if someone posted that they were "conservative" or "uber-conservative" on their dating profile, yeah, that would be enough for me.

I'd just share their photos on the swingers sites, and move on...

[strawberries]

132. Sorry for your loss

but glad you found someone

[Aerows]

163. I'd kind of prefer someone

I could walk hand in hand with and yell at about politics. You have to be interested in things enough to discuss them. Yelling about politics can be as electrifying for some folks as marathon completion times.

I would rather yell about both and then do something like have some ice cream, but hey, everyone is different. As I said, I'm just happy having a matching pair of socks in the morning, going about my day, and a big glass of unsweetened, decaffeinated iced tea.

And debating hot sauces while yelling about politics.

[gwheezie]

20. My daughter met her husband online

But not on a dating site. She got to know him in a computer nerd chat room. They've been together over 10 years.
I also live in the middle of nowhere but I've been forcing myself to drive to places. If I sat here I would only meet Jehovah's witnesses and people who are lost. My husband died in August and while I'm not looking for a date I've come to realize except for work I can go days without speaking. So I go to the gym. I found out a coworker I've known for 10 years at work has an extensive knowledge of the alternative music scene in the city. I pick his brain on where to go and what band to see. I'm in my late 60's so I don't expect to meet a date but it's fun to get out. I also have gone to some interesting sounding presentations at the universities in the city. I had to get used to going places alone.
I wish you luck. I've lived in the woods so long it took me awhile to speak to people outside of work.

[annabanana]

42. I hear you.

My sweetie passed away last spring. While I still have a couple of boomerang kinds hanging around, I have lost my "playmate" and the one who kept me company.

I'm tempted to go online.

[yuiyoshida]

21. has no clue either...

sad to say.

[OKNancy]

23. My daughter met her husband on match.com... and my MOTHER met hers there as well

She was 73!
My mom and her husband were married ten years before he passed away at age 92.

[Stellar]

63. How sweet!

n/t

[NikolaC]

28. I met my husband through online dating

I was a widow, with a 3 year old and a friend of mine suggested that I try online dating to get out there again. I tried several online services, including Match.com and Eharmony with no luck. I too found that there were a lot of men who were looking for a Halle Berry, or Cindy Crawford type, etc. Totally unrealistic. Personality, a good heart and a conscience were low on their list of likes. Yet, the guys who were looking for perfect women were not "perfect" themselves. It was very depressing.

I met my husband when I was about to give up on online dating. We chatted for a few weeks, met, were engaged a month after we met and married four months after we met (in Vegas, much to the chagrin of our families). I know it seemed crazy, but we just knew and have been married for ten years now. We even know of two other couples who met online and are still happily married. It takes time, weeding out of a lot of turds and is not for everyone. I and a few others that I know got lucky, but that does not mean that online dating is for you necessarily.

I suggest trying a couple of different sites, if you are able to afford it, and giving them a month. If it still doesn't work out, then don't feel discouraged. There are a lot of other ways to meet someone. I have friends who met their spouses at work, hobby clubs and church. IMO, there is no one completely perfect way to meet someone.

BTW, I love the way that you handled that guy. I wish that I had been so creative with the rejections that I got at the time. Good luck with your search. I hope that it works out for you.

[strawberries]

34. Nice story! nt

[dixiegrrrrl]

29. Mr. Dixie and I met online 15 years ago.

But it was not a dating site.
and we were not "looking".

I think that a lot of pressure is removed if you get to know someone casually and over time, online, as opposed to a dating site.
There are lots of social sites, like multi player card games or other games, where you can build a network of nice people to know.
I am now offline friends with a few DU folks.

[moonbeam23]

32. My hubby and i met online

i had a ball doing online dating...the key is to pick a niche market, so to speak...Match.com, even in the early days, was a nightmare of unsuitable guys looking to get laid...i got off that right away and went to Veggiedate.com...it was full of wonderful, spiritual guys...

My mantra was "The world is full of wonderful available men and i just need one"...

It is hard when you live in a small town like we both did (3 hours apart) and the internet is a great tool to bridge that gap...it is the modern version of the classifieds or pen pals...

The important thing is to take it slow...emails first, then get HIS number, (never give out your info) and if you decide to meet in person, do it in public place and don't rush into getting involved....people will show their true colors over a period of time...in our case, we have been together since 2001 and are roughly the same age and didn't expect perfection, just love and companionship...

i have a couple of woman friends who keep jumping into bed with guys from the internet right away and it hasn't been working out...maybe because it reeks of desperation; but these are attractive, together women who deserve the best and shouldn't feel anxious about finding someone...

Just my .02

[edgineered]

33. yet another friend of mine has been dabbling in online dating

he is 5-7 and meets your general description. fairly recently, within the last two months, he told me of this from his perspective. as always, i listened without comment except for the occasional yup, ok, or i see. (i am too easily amuzed, so, thank you, the rest of my day will be spent with the 'it's a small world' earworm)

[n2doc]

43. It is interesting how so much of these discussions center on looks

Personality? not so much. Both sides do it.

God help you if you are overweight, balding (or wrinkled), over 30. You must be a loser who has no redeeming values.

[Arugula Latte]

138. Well, the point of the OP is that men she's encountered have these appearance standards for women,

never considering that they themselves fall far short of the beauty/youth mark. The ol' double standard.

[DebJ]

51. My daughter met her husband on Match.com. A co-worker met his wife there.

It worked very well for them.

My daughter knew what she wanted and didn't want, so it saved her time and trouble.

[hfojvt]

52. he's not asking for a "perfect" woman

just a woman 58 or younger who is not hugely overweight.

Not sure why that should be such a big deal. You apparently think he is a major jerk for letting those preferences be known, even though he, unlike a good caring person like yourself, did not go out of his way to deliberately insult somebody.

[Cooley Hurd]

54. One of the greatest concepts put forward by the artist Yoko Ono...

...was Bagism. It reduced communication to the mere spoken word and spoken ideas.

Pure.

[treestar]

62. He has a lot belly so good luck with that

He stat and he expects someone who is not. Who'd want to live with that double standard? It already show his misogyny. Hard to believe there are liberals defending him. He's an obvious sexist with double standards. He put that out there. He can live with the responses.

[hfojvt]

120. speaking of double standards though

I like for people to be kind to each other. It seems like a double standard to me to have the attitude "he said something mean" and to then feel like that justifies any sort of mean-ness to him.

Bullies ALWAYS think that the person they are picking on - DESERVES it.

That doesn't look very misogynistic to me. In my own experience with online dating, since I am looking for younger women, I see very few of them who are looking for very much older men. Most of them seemed to cap their preference at about 3 years older than themself, if memory serves. If this guy is 53, like myself, is it somehow misogynistic for him to not be interested in women older than 59? I did not see anything stating how old he is.

And so what about his double standard? Suppose I liked large women? And suppose I was contacted by a large woman who was interested in me and her profile said "I am not interested in fat men". Why should I care about that? In fact, that seems to make a good fit, since apparently, in spite of her own girth, she likes skinny guys. That makes me a good match for her interests. Am I supposed to be all offended about the fat men that she is rejecting? Is she supposed to be offended about all the skinny girls I am rejecting in spite of my own skinniness?

Or is it okay for me to reject large women because I am skinny myself? I don't exactly have washboard abs.

Seems to me if you want to find a reason to hate somebody you always can - if that makes you feel good somehow.

[treestar]

125. It's a double standard

He expects the woman to look good according to contemporary standards, even if he does not have the same attributes himself. The sense of entitlement that sexism gives them - that women are objects of consumption. You do realize that women your age have no chances whatsoever? Suppose you had to give up since you were over 50?

The funny thing is, when I was young and didn't want some old or unattractive man, people pressured to me to get to know him, to give him a chance. He was human after all. I was the object.

[hfojvt]

136. I pretty much gave up when I was 43

And women my age have no chances whatsoever?

I don't buy that. The last woman I asked out, when I was 50, was over 55, and I had a 57 year old co-worker who I was hoping would come to my 50th birthday party and dance with me.(She went to a bar instead, and I bet she could have taken a guy home with her if she wanted to)

So is this guy the object now, since apparently he needs to try to get to know women that he finds old or unattractive ?

I would sort of like a woman to look good according to MY standards. Are those the same as contemporary standards? (Maybe) Does that make me 'entitled'? All I said, probably much like this guy (since I can NOT read his mind) is what I want, and NOT what "I think I deserve to get".

And there is not some sort of universal agreement among men anyway, no matter what the TV pushes. I had a girl I liked at work, and thought she was quite attractive. She was cleary gaga about one of our married co-workers. He said he found her unattractive. She cut about 15 inches off her hair, and he thought she looked better (but still not good). I thought she looked worse.

Like I said, there is not universal agreement.

[treestar]

161. Men are never objects they are people

that's why I was pressured to actually have physical relations with men I found appalling.

No one would ever demand of men they do that, never. They are entitled to women they are actually attracted to.

That's why we call it "male privilege." To only have to have sex with those you want to have sex with!!!!!

Only women are required to have sex with those they find appalling.

Because I was shy, the ugliest and most disgusting men assumed I would want them. That sucked. And when I said no, they threw guilt at me. Because they were entitled, see?

I wasn't even fat then, or ugly. I was just shy. But by that I became the rightful property of the grossest men in the universe.

[hfojvt]

168. it's really hard to say never, and no one

I certainly do not have the experience of ALL men at all times.

When you say "I was pressured" - by whom? Your friends? Your family? The guys who wanted to have sex with you?

I am pretty sure women are not required to have sex with anyone, although they may be encouraged to do so by friends or co-workers or relatives. My brother advised me to have sex with a woman who was pursuing me, even though I was kinda not attracted to her (kinda, because my body wanted to have sex with her, but my mind did not).

How do you know what people are assuming? Did they assume you wanted them, or did they just hope you would?

And how do you know what they thought? You say "they were entitled". I don't see any proof of that. They threw guilt at you? That does not prove any sense of entitlement. That is a technique they were using - to try to get what they wanted. There is something they want and they are trying their darnedest to get it. That has nothing to do with entitlement, only desire.

I don't know why entitlement needs to be assumed, and I do not know how to explain it - it is what they want, and not what they think they deserve.

And this line "to only have sex with those you want to have sex with" is just absurd. Those guys, probably want to have sex with Cheryl Tiegs or Princess Diana, but they know that is not gonna happen. They are settling for who is available. The great thing for men, many men, is that they want to have sex with any woman they can get. They want somebody.

Me, I am sort of an odd duck in that regard. If I started talking to you in a bar, I would not be after sex. Not that I might not take it, if it was offered. I would be thinking - conversation now, future dates and phone calls, and IF things go well, then sex (and marriage) somewhere down the road.

[treestar]

186. Plenty of men went off in a huff

and acted like I was the jerk when I said I just wanted to be friends.

The culture of the 70s and 80s sucked, and unfortunately, that was when I was young. Sex had to be immediate.

In time you can be attracted to anyone, but I never got that time. They never considered the friendship era worth going through. I was told to "give him a chance." No one apparently told them to give me a chance to get to know them.

And that means to me they didn't give a shit about me myself, as a person. I was supposed to be honored to be considered good enough arm candy. And not being attracted to them immediately meant I was the bad person.

[Binkie The Clown]

53. Explore the joys of singlehood.

After two wives (the first died of cancer and the second left me for a younger, more financially promising model) I did some soul searching and decided I mostly needed a relationship in order to have someone to validate me. I practiced validating myself until I got it to work for me. Now, decades later, I can't imagine subjecting myself to the hassle of a relationship. I have loads of friends, and a fulfilling social life, but no "primary relationship."

Give it a shot. I t might work for you.

[sendero]

60. There are plenty of doofuses..

... online and in person. It's hard to say in which venue they are easier to spot.

I met my wife online 18 years ago. We have a fantastic marriage. Your Mileage May Vary.

One thing is for sure, online just as in real life you will have to wade through plenty of no-gos before you find the one.

[Warpy]

64. It's worldwide, not just in the US

I remember reading an article about China's government in the late 70s exhorting men to marry, complaining they wanted a chef in the kitchen, a movie star in appearance, with education only slightly less than theirs, plus no mind of her own and an ability to have only male children.

It's not all that different from the US male's list, and it seems the more mediocre the man, the longer the list is. Let's not forget the constantly whining, self proclaimed "nice guy" who thinks all women are self absorbed and mean because the prettiest ones aren't falling all over him while he viciously rejects the women who are on his level of looks and accomplishment. I found the Chinese government's complaint to be oddly familiar.

I have friends who do the online thing and say that whenever they sign up for a service, they delete everything for about 3 days because any new listing brings all the losers out of the woodwork. Some of them have successful social lives with men they found online, so I guess that's why people keep at it.

So good luck, just be prepared to wade through horny grandpas on Viagra, married men looking for a toy, men who want to be easy riders, "nice guys," and perverts to find the truly good ones who are still out there.

[daredtowork]

85. Chinese men are in a sad situation now

With fewer women to choose from - and those women apparently require a house as a criteria for marriage. At the same time, careers that might actually pay for property are few and far between and usually the entire family has to pitch in for this. Also, the Bridezilla factor seems pretty high as well.

[Warpy]

89. I know and the same thing is happening in India, with dire consequences for women

Instead of becoming more prized, women are raped in India and sold into sex slavery in China.

Both countries are going to have to come to terms with this or the consequences for women will return to defacto house arrest and lifetimes of isolation and misery.

China, especially, has overbuilt housing but few people can afford it. This is where the government has to step in and subsidize it. Ending patrilocal marriage in which sons stayed home and provided their wives as care for elderly parents is the first step toward ending the male preference in offspring that led to female infanticide and selective sex based abortion.

[daredtowork]

94. Sounds like San Francisco

Overbuilt housing which few people can afford.

[Warpy]

102. Exactly, and they'd rather let it sit empty and take a tax loss.

Let's hope the people who have bought it don't have low occupancy buyback clauses.

Those mean if the occupancy of a condo drops below a certain level, the owners can buy back any units that have sold at whatever they think is the going market rate.

[daredtowork]

104. Aren't a lot of those actually built by Chinese investing companies? nt

[Skittles]

122. I can't figure out how it is hard to meet men

they are half the population, they are EVERYWHERE

[underahedgerow]

170. It's not hard to meet men. It's hard to meet men of quality, character, humor & substance and

who are worthy to be partnered up with ME.

I expect a lot from a man as a partner, because I have a lot to offer. Could I converse and laugh with a guy who isn't as smart as I am? Could I learn from him?

Has he been in jail, convicted or investigated for fraud, conspiracy, even suspected of murder? Cross him off the list.

Does he lie, cheat or steal? Such as did he post a 10 year old photo on the dating site? Is he still living with his ex-wife or have a girlfriend he's not broken up with? Cross him off the list.

Can he teach me something? Would he learn something from me? Such as self-taught taxidermy? Is he a secret hoarder with a filthy apartment stacked to the ceiling with trash? Cross him off the list.

Does he expect me to leap into bed 2 hours after we've met and get simply furious when I suggest that's not an option? Cross him off the list.

Did he invite himself over for a pizza lunch for our second date? He'd bring the pizza of course, yay! In France, that means, 'I am comeeng over for ze queekee!' This was after turning down his same generous offer the night before of course. Still crossed him off the list.

Is he divorced, penniless, back living with his parents, unemployed and without a car? An unfortunate combination, crossed off the list.

All these are actual online dating experiences, several of them overlapping and all men over the age of 50. This doesn't include the countless kind and generous offers from guys young enough to be my son offering up their services for an hour or so.

Then there are the men who's fancy I didn't tickle although I found them initially interesting, and the men who found me too arrogant, accomplished and confident.

Dating over the age of 50 genuinely sucks. Men are convinced by watching endless hours of porn that they must at least attempt to schtuppe everything with a pulse.

I'm just left confused and disappointed and extremely happy that I am indeed happier being single, not pursuing any kind of partnership and intent on my own goals at this stage of life.

[Skittles]

175. I have found plenty without advertising on the internet

I just TALK to them

[underahedgerow]

180. Whuh???? Talk to them like live, in real life and in person? Well we can't have that now, can we?

I will admit that when I was in types of work that afforded me more public and social access that I definitely had much better opportunities to meet men and people in general. Being limited to the intertubes definitely has its drawbacks. Kind of like shopping online, it looks good on the computer screen but then you open the box and it's just not quite what you had in mind.

There aren't many social opportunities where I'm at right now, but I really don't mind. I'm concentrated on a huge project and really just can't be bothered. I rather quite like my bubble I suppose. I know if I wanted to, I could change it, but I guess I don't want it bad enough!

There was a younger guy I met last year through friends and there was a definite mutual attraction. He ticked nearly all the boxes in fact... and was very handsome to boot. But, he was young enough to still want to have kids and I just didn't want to really keep him from doing that, so I pulled myself away before it got to a point beyond drinking buddies and friendship. I knew it wouldn't end well for either of us.

[Skittles]

181. I have found that many women limit by age, height, salary, all kinds of bullshit

yup

[underahedgerow]

195. Well sure, and just for the sake of discussion, I offer up my reasons for being so 'picky' about

those seemingly insignificant things...

Age, well, too old, in a zimmer frame? Great for friendship, sure. Will he be as fun and active as I am? Probably not, but some of my very favorite and dear friends are actually extremely old. Lovely to stroll the gardens and get drunk with, but not much else.

Too young? Well, in fact, younger men want younger women. I am STRONGLY suspect of younger men who have this whole cougar fetish. It's just wierd and too far out there for me. 'Young for mature' is the phrase I see. It just grosses me out. That being said, older men want younger women too! Most of the ads I see are from guys average age 60+ looking for women under 50.

Height, well, anthropologically speaking, taller men are more successful hence more instantly attractive. That being said, my exceptionally wealthy best friend George is shorter than me. And he's an asshole, but gawd I love him. He's one of the guys who's not quite divorced and still living with his wife, but she lets him have girlfriends. He forgot to tell me this when we first met. Now it's wonderful to torture him about.

Salary... well I make a good living and enjoy a very, very nice lifestyle. Do I want to support a man? Uh, no. A man that has a good income often enjoys a very nice lifestyle as well (if he's not an arms dealer or drug runner). He's worked hard, is usually entrepreneurial, hence a bit more intelligent... Why is this a bad thing? Granted, my lifestyle is in that horrifyingly awful, dreaded .001%, and I make no apologies. I enjoy nice things, but in reality live a very simple life. I found a line of work that lets me enjoy that lifestyle without having to finance it. I get to spend other people's money for them, redecorating and managing their fine homes around the world. It's a bit like being in a museum... I get to enjoy all the benefits of the beauty and the art, hence the lifestyle without splashing out for it.

We didn't mention overweight men, did we? I think that being overweight indicates esteem and self image issues, which means psychological issues. A person who takes pride in their appearance, makes an effort to stay slim and healthy, doesn't wander around in tee shirts, sweat pants, cargo shorts and jeans, indicates a (relatively) mentally healthy person. I like to dress nicely and expect my partner to also. It's all about making an effort about one's personal appearance. Nicely dressed on the outside, a well kept home, good organization, it's all indicative of a mentally healthy person.

So which should I choose to check out first? The guy with the Aston Martin or the guy with the 2001 Subaru?

[smirkymonkey]

193. I so relate to this

It's kind of sad actually. At this point, my greatest desire is to have a dog. I would absolutely love nothing more than my own little puppy!

[underahedgerow]

197. Exactly! The man in my life is a wonderful Jack X named Kevin. 'He's allll the man

that I neeeeeeed....."

Still hairy, but at least it's not draped all over the sink, and sleeps in his own special chair, leaving me the whole bed.

Comes when he's called, goes wandering off on his business around the garden and barks at the cat and the chickens. Sits when he's told, knows his right foot from his left foot and gives wonderful cuddles and kisses.... What more can a girl ask for?

[dawg]

68. It isn't just men.

Lots of women also list ridiculous "requirements" on their online dating profiles.

Online dating makes some people feel like they are able to just "order up" a man or woman who fits all of their little preferences. Sometimes they forget that it's the person inside that body that matters the most.

Yes, physical attraction is important, and preferences *do* matter. But do these people really think they could *never* be attracted to a woman over a size 10, or to a man under 5'10"? That's just ridiculous. (Especially if they are a man with a pot belly or a woman who's 5'4".)

[Jim Lane]

112. My experience is also that women can be picky.

I'm a straight male. My two most recent serious relationships were with women I met through Match.com.

There are women who have requirements about age and physical appearance. Even though, in most opposite-sex couples in the U.S., the man is a few years older, there are women aged X whose acceptable age range is X-10 to X-1 -- IOW, they insist on a younger man.

The stereotype is that men are more likely to be superficial about physical appearance while women are more likely to be superficial about socioeconomic status. I've certainly seen plenty of profiles of women whose acceptable income range is $150,000+.

My guess is that people, even online dating people, recognize that they might be able to have a good relationship with someone not meeting their objective criteria. Nevertheless, it's useful to narrow the field. If, through some meatspace activity, a single meets and gets to know a woman over a size 10, or a man under 5'10", and finds that they click, that's one thing; but if someone has a limited amount of time, money, and emotional energy for going on dates, it's probably not sensible to invest a lot of those resources in meeting and getting to know person after person who starts off in a category (be it physical appearance or anything else) that's less likely to prove attractive.

Of course, people can err in the opposite direction, too. The sheer number of profiles available to be viewed fosters the illusion you mention -- that even the application of strict criteria will still leave many options for dating.

[treestar]

126. Getting to know people can increase their attractiveness

And people attractive on the surface can turn out to be toxic. So the whole idea has its limitations. The personal ads thing is not good that way - it encourages the type of objectifying thinking that already applied to women anyway. If men are getting objectified and find they don't like it, it is interesting how they react - whether sympathizing with women about that, or complaining because they are entitled to be treated as humans, and it's women who are not.

[dawg]

127. Maybe we are looking at this thing the wrong way.

Maybe it's a good thing that online dating gives some people the opportunity to make it glaringly obvious how superficial they really are. It makes them easier to avoid.

I do think that most good men and women sympathize with each other. Deep down, most of us want the same things. I don't think it's fair to feel entitled to something from a potential date that you don't bring to the table yourself.

[RKP5637]

78. Too bad DU doesn't have a dating group. I don't think there's one? Maybe a different online

dating site? I've never done that, so no expert here, just thinking out loud. Hope you find someone!

[dilby]

91. A dating group is a good idea. n/t

[CountAllVotes]

79. A woman I know is doing the online thing

She married this guy and he died not long after he met her. She advertises herself on the internet and she is a very unattractive woman.

As for the guy, it is very sad. His family that is left behind misses him so very much and they see her on the internet now and on Facebook saying how her favorite store is Victoria's Secret and the like as she solicits herself to the world. Poor taste at best IMO.

Good luck. I think you'll be needing it.

[customerserviceguy]

109. So, let me understand this

She married a guy (I presume it was the choice for both of them, and that they are both consenting adults) she went all the way "til death do we part", he died early, and she's the bad person here? Would his family have missed him any less had not she arrived in his life?

Maybe his family should have the attitude, "At least his last months on Earth were happy, he found a woman he loved enough to marry." Maybe she inherited some of what they felt was theirs, and that's the problem here.

So, she likes a store that's featured in 9 out of every 10 American shopping malls. And she has a right to find further happiness with another person, no matter what she looks like (in your opinion). Maybe she has qualities that get people to look past minor imperfections, and want to be with her for whatever time they've got.

She shouldn't have to relegate herself to a mourning hut for seven years because of the way they met and the quickness at which they parted.

[CountAllVotes]

117. When I say ugly I mean ugly

as in personality.

As for the family of the guy that died, he was very close to them. As for financial matters, I really do not know of any details.

[arcane1]

81. People like what they like. I don't meet most peoples' preferences, and I don't care.

Why waste any time on people you aren't interested in?

[Bluzmann57]

82. When I was doing online dating

I put in my profile that I was "fat, bald, old, and poor. Guess I got it all." A few women were impressed with my sense of humor and/or my honesty. Quite frankly though, a couple of the women I met online were drama queens and I didn't need that and still don't. And I also had one woman tell me almost immediately that her son was "6 ft. 3 in. weighs 280, all muscle and can kick your ass." I decided not to find out. We had one meeting and that was it.
So anyway, a lot of women on those sites are somewhat flaky too.

[CTyankee]

86. I met my husband at Parents Without Partners...

He was separated as I was (it's a rule at PWP that you can't be currently living with your partner/spouse). We met at one of PWP's brunches. You paid a nominal amount and the brunch was held at a member's house/condo. It was great. There were a number of men just out of marriages looking to get into dating again after all these years. We were both in our early 40s. There were also dances held at rented public facilities on Friday nights where members volunteered to play the music tapes. Lots of fun and meeting great people. I loved it.

I hope PWP is still alive and kicking. It was in northern VA when I lived there in the 1980s...

[dilby]

90. Online dating is basically shucking oysters

You are going to have to shuck a lot of oysters till you find your pearl. My suggestion don't take it to serious, enjoy the people you meet and eventually you will find the right person. I was on and off dating sites till I met my girlfriend on plenty of fish. I went on a lot of dates and I am still friends with some of the women I met.

Oh and women can be just as demanding as men with what they are looking for.

[Jamastiene]

107. Men don't have to even shave.

Women don't shave, we are considered uncouth. Men don't shave, they get to name their hairy areas of their bodies. Women are less than. It is the message that is reiterated from the day we are born until the day we die. Men don't have to wear makeup, no matter how ugly they are. Men don't have to wear nice clothes. They don't even have to fucking bathe down here in the south, and believe me, you haven't smelled BO until you have smelled it mixed with deer piss, catfish chum, tobacco spit, and spilled beer. And I'm supposed to voluntarily sleep with those men until I magically "become straight?" I don't think so.

Uhm, that's just the way it is. Men can be as nasty and unkempt as they want to be and still pick and choose only the youngest skinniest women they want. Women have to take what we can get AND even though we are the better looking of the species WITHOUT the fucking makeup, we are expected to layer it on like we are baking a fucking 10 layer cake, THEN, make it look like we aren't wearing any.

I hate to have to be the first one to flat out say it, but those types of men are pigs and they see women as arm candy, just something to brag to their REAL true loves, their "bros," as in "bros before hos." They say it all the time.

Being a lesbian, I have been subjected to a lot from the worst males of the species. I know how they talk when women aren't around. It's not pretty. They love their male friends and their dogs more than they love their wives OR their women on the side. But, they are not gay. They just hate women. Gay men just love men and don't hate women. See the difference?

Example, when I was first out of high school, my first boss kept telling me there was something wrong with me because I didn't get all hot and bothered every time a George Michael video came on. When I tried to explain to her that I was gay and that wasn't ever going to happen, she told me he could "straighten" me out if I forced myself to go nab him and try to sleep with him. You get where I am going yet?

Straight men like the one you mentioned hate women and love their male friends. They only sleep with and/or marry women so they can brag to their friends and get their male friends' approval. Gay men don't hate women and love their male boyfriends and husbands. Gay females love women but don't hate men even though some men do try their damnedest to make us hate all men. No, some of us just hate the "bros before hos" types. Others lesbians don't hate them, but I do.

And the point to my story about my boss. She thought a gay woman, me, should go try to have sex with a gay man, George Michael, (who she did not even know was gay at the time, to "straighten" me out. I always knew he was probably most likely gay, but she really did not. She wanted him to throw her against the wall and all kinds of dreamy school girl crush stuff that almost, ALMOST, made me feel sorry for her. I humored her so I could laugh at her dumb redneck bigoted ass with my friends who knew he was gay,

So, you handled that right. I would suggest telling the next one to give his best male buddy a big sloppy wet kiss for you, but I don't want to see you get kicked off the dating site. Chances are, he can tell you that you are trash because he can see you when you turn sideways and make 9 year old boy faces at your age, but women have to just put up with an infinite amount of shit just to survive in this world and hear insults from losers like that along the way. What's so bad about it is that even those of us who are lesbians and not the least bit interested in men have to hear that bullshit from those types too, because they have always been in charge and probably always will be in charge.

[F4lconF16]

115. This post is great.

Well said.

[U4ikLefty]

169. Ah yes, naming the hairy areas.

A grand tradition indeed.

[customerserviceguy]

108. You have to approach online dating in a totally different way than conventional dating

My lady and I met on a website nearly ten years ago, and even though we lived a continent apart, we did what we needed to do to get our lives together (me, moving from the PNW to NY, and her, being patient while I found steady work in my fifties) and we're glad it happened.

We met on a dating site for larger folks, and that takes away a lot of people who are going to be, shall we say, 'shallow' on that issue? With more generalized dating sites, like Match.com, etc., a shallow person will try to put out all the "I don't want..." items somewhere in the body of the profile.

Consider yourself lucky, you don't have to waste another second with that person, unless you want to, and clearly, in the case you describe, you felt the need to call him a hypocritical jerk. That's not going to change him one bit, and it just makes things worse for the next woman he does finally meet up with, as he's got one more "crazy b****" story rolling around in his tiny brain while he's trying to interpret his next victim's words.

As I said, in the real world, finding a mate is like trying to figure out what it is about a person that you like, and what it is about you that they like. It's an effort in coming together, and sometimes when people try too hard to do that, it sows the seeds for the eventual breakup. With online dating, it's just like shopping, it's about rejecting as many people as possible quickly, so that you can find a little wheat in that chaff.

Unfortunately, it's not easy to be commodified on a dating site, but that's the price you pay to get through the sheer numbers of potential daters out there. It might just be somewhat of a numbers game, instead of hoping that every little flicker turns into a flame, then a roaring fire, just acknowledge that like bits of burning leaves escaping from an autumn bonfire, nothing will come of the vast majority of them.

Write a profile that spends time telling a potential date what he might see in you, don't focus on past relationships, and give them a hook to begin conversation, such as a favorite book, movie, or musical choice. You say you have pets, do they feature prominently in your profile? If so, that may be telling a man that he's just going to be the third cat in your house, or the second dog. Pets are wonderful, and they're an important part of people's lives, but with some profiles I've read, it seems that the person simply wants a two-legged pet that will at least have a conversation. People go into serious dating relationships to become the most important person in another's life, not just an accessory to it.

[woolldog]

114. Why is it shallow to not be attracted to larger people?

[Phentex]

130. "Consider yourself lucky, you don't have to waste another second with that person"

Very good advice in this post. But this line is the one that stood out to me. It may be creepy and shallow to put out all these requirements and such but aren't you better off knowing this so you can avoid this kind of person? It's their loss that the restrictions may prevent them from meeting a really great person. But on the flip side, if you know what they want up front, you don't have to waste a precious second trying to get to know them.

[Turbineguy]

111. You answered your own question.

healthy mature men would want to meet someone of their own age and maturity (OK they don't always match but something like that).

[edgineered]

118. if you're in sw fl next weekend -

this sounds like fun.

http://heyevent.com/event/1609389565946621/skunkin-grateful

[eridani]

124. Stop doing that and start participating in political and cultural activities

Good way to meet people with similar interests

[alarimer]

128. I met my SO online

We've been together for 7 years now (mostly sort of long-distance). I am now getting ready to move closer to where he is.

But we broke up for a year after I moved away from Texas and I tried online dating again.

It has become a cesspool. I don't recall it being so bad when I tried it many years ago, but I was a lot younger then. And it could also have been the area I currently live in. The only guys (and I tried a couple of different sites) who ever responded were either too old for me, way too conservative (I was always very honest in my opinions on the questionnaires- possibly a mistake), among other things.

But the takeaway for me was that NO ONE READS THE PROFILE. I made it clear what I wanted in there. Not picky as to age and weight so much as someone similar in values to me, with similar interests in travel, the arts, nature, stuff like that. So I got responses from conservative idiots who never traveled anywhere or read a book. Now, I live in a pretty rural area overall, though it is close to the beach and to Norfolk/ VA. Beach. I thought that I would have a better time of it if I lived someplace else.
Maybe, but I chose to get back together with my SO.

[strawberries]

129. I don't think they read my profile either

There is this guy I have been talking with online. Let's see how that goes

[dannward]

157. Always read the profile!

But the takeaway for me was that NO ONE READS THE PROFILE.

My wife and I met online via matchmaker.com 15 years ago. I saw her first profile, with a slightly-out-of-focus picture with her too far from the camera, read her righteous rant about what she was and wasn't looking for, and thought "that's one to check back in on when I'm actually ready to date." A month or so later, she posted another free profile, without the picture. I, however, recognized her prose and emailed her.

And to counter another post in this thread, my first email was essentially, "We seem like a good match -- too bad you're a Republican". Thankfully Jon Stewart, Democratic Underground, and W himself helped her leave the GOP behind.

[Oneironaut]

131. I have found that people who set standards usually end up not listening to them anyways.

There are a lot of women I know who say that they need to have a tall man, but end up with a man who is short. I think it's easy to set picky standards for women or men, but listening to them is different - a lot of people don't when meeting face-to-face. That's what sucks about online dating, imo. You can filter out someone who is probably a great girl or guy based on superficial reasons that you wouldn't otherwise care about if you met them at a party or something.

Your ironic response is funny, though. I hope he got the message.

[strawberries]

133. I was trying to make a point. big question here

Why is my thread on fire?

[Oneironaut]

140. I was talking about the guy, just to clarify.

I understood your point perfectly!

I think you've reached into and plucked the internet's tendency to argue with each other. Haha

[strawberries]

134. My thread/post is on fire, how did that happen nt

[Puglover]

139. Hang in there.

After my "divorce" at 40 I went to the gym and got into tip top shape. Being a gay man 40 is perilously close to being pretty much done. When in my 20's I never screwed around. Probably why I am still alive but I wanted to just have some NSA anonymous sex. So armed with my six pack and a resolve to just play around and not look for a husband I hit the computer and phone hookup lines.

For about a year I had fun and then it just got boring. I did learn one thing. Most (not all) people know within 2 seconds of laying eyes on someone whether or not they would be interested in dating them. Especially in the online/phone dating game. I realize my knowledge is mostly male based (being gay) but most women I have asked about this agree.

In 1997 I was feeling frisky and got on the phone line one night and arranged a meet up at local coffee shop for some afternoon delight. I showed up and sitting there was one of the best looking men I have ever laid eyes on. I thought, "Yeah that's why I got out of bed this morning, to have someone look at their watch, make up a fake appointment and run the hell away."

We talked, walked around the lake, went out for dinner. Imagine the cartoon sound of brakes screeching on my "NSA hookup" and it turning into a date.

We got married 1/9/15 after living together since 1999.

I got rejected a thousand times. I did my share of rejecting. Hopefully kindly although it simply isn't fun to have someone tell you, "Sorry you don't do it for me."

And although I agree with the sentiment that "men are pigs" this pig has never once strayed from our monogamous relationship. All I had to imagine when tempted was the thought of losing what we have. And thankfully the pig in me listened.

When I look at him he still takes my breath away. Not so much for the good looks (still there) but for the miracle that is my love and husband.

Any dating isn't for the faint of heart. It's tough out there.

Good luck.

[strawberries]

142. congratulations on your marriage

hopefully I will be as lucky.

[Puglover]

143. Fingers crossed. nt

[Capt. Obvious]

141. Did he send you any dick pics?

Those are the real keepers of online dating.

[strawberries]

144. LOL Jesus

no not yet

[mnhtnbb]

148. Years and years ago--after my divorce--I did video dating (1980), a precursor to on-line dating.

I was about 30 at the time. One guy I dated dumped me because I was too 'fat'
and I was wearing a size 8 in those days. I started playing a lot of tennis, walking
every day, watching what I ate, taking ballet class at least once/ week, and eventually ended up a 4-6 when I remarried 5 years later.
I suppose that would have been too 'fat' for that guy, too. He was just a jerk. But I couldn't
believe he told me that.

Keep meeting people. Eventually, you'll find the right person.

[strawberries]

149. I remember seeing commercials on video dating

a size 8 and you were too fat?! Sweet Jesus I give up

Glad you are happy now

[mnhtnbb]

150. He was a jerk. Some people are. I occasionally wonder if he has a giant beer belly

these days.

[woolldog]

187. Being attracted to slim women

does not make someone a jerk. FYI.

[mnhtnbb]

188. True. But men who feel the need to belittle women for not being

someone else does make them jerks.

[woolldog]

189. True. nt

[Blue_Tires]

152. The irony is women still have it 100 times easier than men

when it comes to online dating...

At least you have choice, while I have to compete with 50 dudes to get a response from a decent profile...

[Jamaal510]

153. I'm on a few dating sites too, and

I used to look deeply into when people put their preferences online. For example, I used to take it personal whenever I saw women who say something like "I only date White guys...", "I am not attracted to Black men...", or "I prefer guys who are at least 6 feet tall..." I thought it was messed up to rule out an entire group of people since there are billions of people in the world, and since everyone looks different and have no control over their height or race. But now, I don't care anymore. It helps me not waste time when it comes to finding someone who suits me, plus in real life, I still catch women staring at me every now and then.

[strawberries]

154. I don't have color issues, so um where do you live?

[Jamaal510]

158. I'm back and forth between the Bay Area and Humboldt.

[woodsprite]

156. Do you have any Meetup.com groups in your area?

I've been trying to get my daughter to venture to one of those (whichever one really interests her). Around my area, they have Meetups for everything from people who are interested in boardgames, photography, hiking, RC planes, web page design, politics, non-profits, community support, etc.

[ChisolmTrailDem]

166. How you doin'?

[strawberries]

167. lol

pretty good and how you doin?

[DanielLee5]

172. we don't look for perfections

I went online dating with a certain point to find a gf, as just men do at cafes/bares/parks etc. I never looked for a perfect one, as just I don't try to hook up with a supermodel in real life, I tend to be realistic) Men are looking for a pleasant looking women, smiling women, not perfections only, as you mentioned. I gave up Tinder, Match com, etc and used local chat, with participants from my city ( https://kovla.com/datings/us/salt-lake-city , I am from Salt Lake City ) only to increase chances to find a girl as soon as possible and meet her. But I agree with you, some people are just building up illusions at online dating sites.

[Omaha Steve]

173. "Someone explain something to me about men"

I can't even remember if I'm from Venus or Mars.

[CincyDem]

177. Not sure what title to put on this. Maybe: "Karma can be cruel".

Consider that what someone wants is theirs to want - not ours to judge. If what someone wants adds goodness to the world, they will be rewarded by the world with happiness. If what someone wants diminishes goodness, they will be saddled with a life of unhappiness and unfulfillment. Let karma do the heavy lifting on this one

What do you think hurts more for this guy...that he was rejected by some unknown woman who things he needs to do sit ups to get rid of his beer belly or the fact that he'll likely be alone for a long long time because he's an a$$hat. Now, he may not know why he's unhappy and he may spend all of his time blaming others for their imperfections. Who cares who he blames, he's still in the same place. Alone today and probably alone tomorrow.

Perfect doesn't exist in a vacuum. I think it's about "perfect for..." that matter. I was lucky in my late 40's. I crossed paths with a woman who is far from perfect - she's this, she's that, she's OCD about this topic and doesn't care about something else blah blah blah. BUT, she's perfect for me and I have been lucky enough to be perfect for her.

Dating in midlife is hard but have faith. I don't know anything about you and if we met, I might even dislike you, but I have complete confidence that you are perfect for someone and they are perfect for you. When that connection happens, you'll both be able to add goodness to the world together.

So forget about the a$$hats and trying to figure them out. Move on because they're not perfect for you and once you've decided that, they're not worth the effort it takes to have an opinion about them.

Good luck.

[seabeyond]

178. let karma do the heavy lifting... i like your post. nt

[strawberries]

179. thanks for the kind, but to the point post

[KamaAina]

183. 6'3" here, and presumably look about 50.

[B Calm]

185. Short guys are better lovers!

[steve2470]

198. look at it this way

Let's reverse roles and I'll be the one doing the seeking.

I see ads that say dude has to be under 50, dark haired, and love the outdoors to an extreme. I'm actually glad the woman is frank enough to say "Hey Steve, you're not right for me, nothing personal. You might want to look at the other ladies". If I was the one seeking, I'd move along, gladly, and be grateful I didn't waste my time.

The guys who want "perfection" are actually doing you a favor, because no one is. You can then move on to a guy who's reasonable and who wants a woman like...YOU.

I used to do online dating, never again. I'll meet women in person the old fashioned way, thanks. Best wishes to you!

[Divernan]

201. Then you have the "Looking for Nurse With A Purse" old guys.

Last edited Wed Mar 25, 2015, 08:34 AM - Edit history (1)

That's the descriptive phrase I learned from a female, recently divorced cousin. She's in her mid-60's, in good health and physical shape, attractive & happens to look at least 10 years younger than her biological age. She finally got out of a long dead marriage to a very emotionally cold guy when she inherited a bundle from both her parents and a childless, wealthy aunt.

She's joined some in-person, live singles groups (not on-line), and in talking with other widowed/divorced women in those groups came across the "looking for a nurse with a purse" descriptive term. She has been the target of the aging male equivalent of the iconic female gold-digger.

I've witnessed a couple of horror stories for both men and women who have married (way too quickly) a partner they met on line. They'd have been wise to invest in a private investigator to check out financial and criminal histories. When it comes to both profiles and email communications, there's a whole lotta lying going on. People who are lonely are not very objective and are vulnerable to getting conned. If I were you, I'd look for someone who already has a fulfilling life - which means healthy relationships with their own families & a circle of friends with whom they share interests. (And I mean healthy interests - not spending their evenings at the local bar with other regulars.) And if that doesn't describe you as well, I suggest focusing primarily on finding activities you enjoy and friends who share your interests.

I think your response was good. Heard a funny line on a tv sitcom to the effect that men look at mirrors as often as women, but men are always delighted with what they see. If people had to write really honest profiles, it would be a hoot. One sleazoid at a yacht club I belonged to was known for hitting on any single women he spotted, and lying like mad about himself. Several of us female members had fun one afternoon writing up a true dating profile for him - divorced, alcoholic, sexist, racist, near-bankruptcy, chronically unfaithful, balding, pot-bellied, lives-on-his-boat, drives-a-20-year-old-junker, conservative in search of wealthy woman to pick up his bar tabs, fall for his lies and service him sexually.

Good luck to you in finding a good partner. Just be careful - as per the theme song of the Monk series, it's a jungle out there!