Dear Adoptive Parents: The Burden of Adoptee Loyalty

[me b zola]

Dear Adoptive Parents: The Burden of Adoptee Loyalty

Dear Adoptive Parents,

I want you to listen. I want you to read this and truly consider it. For the sake of the ones you love and call your own.

You have no understanding of the burden of Adoptee Loyalty that your adopted child bears.

You do not realize that he will sacrifice his own feelings and desires for your sake--and that he does this subconsciously, because you also have no idea how easily, how quickly the unspoken thoughts and emotions inside of you, the silent and passive cues you communicate are internalized by your adopted child.

The burden of Adoptee Loyalty will compel your adopted child to remain silent on the things closest to her heart because she can sense these dark things scare you, make you uncomfortable, threaten you.

~snip~

When she hears you talking about how you ultimately think she will be fine and won’t have many issues because adoptive parents today know so much more about adoption and birth families than did adoptive parents of yesterday, she will internalize your words and teach herself to be fine and to ignore her emotions and questions, because the burden of Adoptee Loyalty is not easily set aside. She wants to please you so that you will want to keep her. She wants you to see her as you want to see her because this will assure her position in your family.

She will be loyal to you above all else because this is what you have taught her is most important to you. By both your spoken and unspoken cues. Because she realizes deep down, at a subconscious, instinctive level that what matters to you most is that this adoption work out the way you want to work out--that you are desperate to see this adoption be what you always dreamed it would be:

That happy ending of a doting, grateful, happy child eager to sing your praises, eager to thank Almighty Adoption and Almighty Adoptive Parents for giving her such a wonderful life.

And so, she knows that if she shows anything other than that, if she departs even a little from that narrative, if she comes to a different conclusion, she may cause you pain and hence, face rejection again. And that is more than she can handle.

She must cling to Adoptee Loyalty so that her fragile world does not fly apart.

Your children will never genuinely feel free to be their true, unfiltered selves as long as they carry the burden and guilt and obligation of Adoptee Loyalty. They need to understand and trust that they can have their own thoughts, emotions, ideas, perspectives, conclusions about adoption and know that you will not take it personally or feel threatened or freak out if they happen to diverge from you. If you allow them to continue to carry the burden of Adoptee Loyalty, they may never allow themselves to acknowledge and much less pursue the deeper parts of themselves.

There are profound and beautiful parts of your adopted children that you, that the world will never see as long as they feel their existence, their lives, their experience of love is contingent upon their loyalty to you.

As their parents, it is your responsibility to recognize this burden they bear. And to help them unpack and unload it. It is your responsibility to empower them to let go of the heavy load of Adoptee Loyalty. If you allow your adopted children to continue to carry such a burden, you are demonstrating that your comfort and ego are more important to you than the well-being and self-actualization that you promised to give to the children you are supposed to love above yourselves.

~more & http://www.thelostdaughters.com/2015/04/dear-adoptive-parents-burden-of-adoptee.html


This has needed to be said for a long time. End the fantasy and fairy tales of adoption and look at the reality.

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

1. Every child handles adoption differently

A good friend of mine was adopted, and she truly is at peace with everything, while her brother (also adopted), has spent decades coming to terms with his adoption. Both have done and are doing what they think is right for themselves, although her brother was more comfortable discussing his feelings with his mother (who was ahead of her time on this issue, imo) than he ever was with his dad. The "adoptee loyalty" is a real issue.

[Egnever]

2. I doubt non adoptive children feel much different

Many people go their whole live trying to get the approval of their parents. There are good and bad matches in all families.

I have a sister in law who was adopted by my wifes parents and she is by all outward signs a wonderful well loved young lady in college doing great! Maybe she is living the miserable existance described in this article but one would not know it by any of her actions or her successes.

[me b zola]

3. Well, you just summed it up...

"...but one would not know it by any of her actions or her successes. "


One of the things that I have been attempting to educate the uninitiated on is just how much adoptees **don't** speak about let alone share our inner most lives. This is also the jest of the article that seems to have upset you.

One of the things that bothers me the most is that the non-adopted seem to equate a good adoptee facade with good mental health. I would argue exactly the opposite.

Bah! Go back and re-read this article. Its right there in front of you.

[Egnever]

4. Upset me?

You seem to have missed the point that many non adoptive children feel no differently. The need or desire to please your parents for fear of repercussions or just wanting to be the good kid that doesn't cause problems is not limited to adopted children.

[me b zola]

16. Pretending that adoptee issues are no different from non-adoptees is harmful

I will advise you as I have others. Re-read the article. If you still feel compelled to write incendiary things, re-read the article again.

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

25. Unfortunately, some adoptees have inherited

their poor mental health and may not realize it. That is not to discredit the very real feelings of loss that many adoptees do feel, however lucky or unlucky they may have been in the genetic lottery.

Unfortunately, the article's tone drips with disdain for adoptive parents, making it difficult for the unenlightened to take away some foundational truths regarding adoption. And you continue to defend the one-size fits all supposed reaction by adoptees to their situation; but, no, not everyone shares your views on their own personal adoption.

[Hekate]

35. ^^^Your second paragraph^^^

I'm from a generation where adoption was common; and where adoptions were closed as a matter of course. Two of my cousins are adopted, in two separate families. I can't count how many friends are adoptees. One of my nieces is infertile and adopted a little girl.

I have followed the changing mores and changing times with interest and empathy because of these personal connections. I think I understand what the movement is about. One of my friends found her birth-mother when she was in her 50s, and was welcomed with open arms. The experience was transformative -- for the first time she was surrounded by people who looked like her, laughed and moved like her. She loved her adoptive parents more than words can tell, but the experience of meeting her birth-mother filled a hole in her.

I know this: people are driven to create families. In the usual course of things, women get pregnant. Children share the DNA of the parents who raise them. They share many traits, from eye color to personality.

There is incredible pain from infertility. Absolutely incredible. The assistance of science is massively expensive and often fails. Adoption fills the needs of both adults and infants, and has existed probably from the dawn of time.

And I think adoption is usually undertaken with the best of intentions. At least it does not happen by accident: no one ever looks at their adopted child and says, "Whoops, were you ever a surprise!"

Human families are full of surprises, though. Some parent-child struggles, both internal and external, are inevitable regardless of DNA. There is no "one size fits all."

[Mosby]

5. interesting, thx for posting

[SomethingFishy]

6. WTF?

"She will be loyal to you above all else because this is what you have taught her is most important to you. By both your spoken and unspoken cues. Because she realizes deep down, at a subconscious, instinctive level that what matters to you most is that this adoption work out the way you want to work out--that you are desperate to see this adoption be what you always dreamed it would be: That happy ending of a doting, grateful, happy child eager to sing your praises, eager to thank Almighty Adoption and Almighty Adoptive Parents for giving her such a wonderful life."

You think that's why I adopted my son? So I could brag about what great parent I am and so he could sing my praises?

Frankly all I got out of this useless and insulting "article" is that adoptive parents are all narcissistic and selfish.

I don't know you or your parents but if this is how you were treated, that your parents thoughts were more important than your own, then I'm sorry that happened to you. But if you think that this is generally how adoptive parents think, I can tell you you are wrong in at least one instance, and probably a lot more.

[me b zola]

7. Please do not insult my adoptive parents, they have done nothing to you

The fact that I refuse to continuously tell strangers just how wonderful my adoptive parents are is not an indictment on them, but rather security in being able to speak my truth without fear.

Frankly the responses from adoptive parents to articles written by adoptees reveals how deeply these matters need to be spoken about and publicly. Rather than lashing out at me, please, re-read the article keeping in mind the person(s) that you have adopted.

Insulting? Yeah, try being an adoptee. I should be grateful that I wasn't aborted. How about you, are you grateful that YOU weren't aborted? My mother was drugged when she went into labor and had me taken from her. Should I be grateful for that? For forty + years when I went to the doctor I could provide no medical history to assist the doctor in my care~~should I be grateful? On the day of my birth I lost my mother, my family, my culture, heritage, and story. But YOU are insulted?

Insulted. When adoptees finally do speak out people get the freaking vapors. I would think that if I had ever adopted a child that I would bend over back wards to understand what my child was going through.

I, like many of my contemporaries go out of our way to not hurt the feelings of adoptive parents. But I really feel as though the fantasy and fairy tale of adoption must end. It just must end, all the bs, lies, and fairy tales.

[Gormy Cuss]

8. Step back and pretend that it's not about the parents' egos.

Was there anything about this essay that you found provocative in terms of how some adoptees, even some of those with doting parents, may view their world?

[RobinA]

43. It's Possible

To raise adoption issues without the passive aggressive sniping exhibited in this article. It's a real hatch job. And no, I'm not an adoptive parent, nor adopted. My brother is. Personally, I would never adopt, but that's just me.

[Gormy Cuss]

44. I think the article is written from a painful perspective

and one that is atypical of our usual presentations on the adoption process. I don't think that all adoptees have this perspective but it's perilously close to the perspective of an adopted member of my family, so it rings true for me.

[me b zola]

52. Happy to hear that you would never adopt

Truly. And if you can read that article and feel hostility towards the author, then I don't know how to ever reach you.

Just wow, the people whom say they support adoption yet hate adoptees. Clearly, its hard to shake the idea that adoption is for adults in desperate need of children rather than the marketing ploy of children in need of a home. But rich celebrities have the microphone and we just trudge along telling our stories any way that we can.

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

24. My adopted kids are still teens

We adopted them because we wanted more kids - not because we wanted to save the world or save kids and expect them to sing praises about us. Adoption should always be about building families and never about validation for saving a child. In fact, "saving a child" is the worse reason to adopt, imo.

ETA - Anyone reading this thread should know that you should never refer to someone's children as their adopted children. For ease of purpose and brevity, I use the term "adopted kids" in the title, but my kids were adopted into our family, they are not forever defined by the adjective "adopted," nor should any other person.

[Somethingtosay]

9. Far from a universal truth

Speaking as someone who was also adopted as an infant, I have to disagree with the perception that the majority of my fellow adoptees are troubled by their roots, or prevented from full self realization by the expectations of their adoptive parents. I do have tremendous loyalty to my Mom and Dad, but that is simply due to the fact that they are, in fact, my Mom and Dad...and we all love each other. I have never had one of my siblings or adopted friends express angst over the concept of how they joined their family, and I have many friends with similar histories due to being born pre Roe v Wade. I do have great sympathy to those who have had struggles, but reject the idea that this is a universal experience in any way.

[me b zola]

10. I heart fairy tales

[Somethingtosay]

11. I respect your experience

But their are many of us who do not share your view - and it's not a fairy tale.

[me b zola]

13. I feel special that your first post to DU was to my thread

Your short message has so many land mines I don't know where to begin.

"My view". This article was written by another adoptee, not by me.

"Many of us" Well now, thats interesting. Do you speak with many adoptees on a regular basis, discussing adoption related issues? I do. I have never met an adoptee in real life who would object to this post/article. Out of all of the many reasons why I do not believe you are who you say you are, it is this. There are thousands of adoptees on line that support each other and work for equal access to our birth records. Are there some Stepford adoptee meetings that I have not received the invite to? Even growing up with other kids who were too frightened to talk about it, they never once said "hey my adopters are amazing and so is everything about my life" .N0t ever. Not once.

"Its not a fairy tale" So what part of this authors POV do you disagree with...and why? What the author has described is pretty much what I have come to call "The Big Hush". All the realities of adoption and being adopted that are not to be spoken of, because as soon as we do~BAM~!!!! This is why so many adoptees don't speak up, that and the most basic fear of losing the only family that you know.

Good God, its like the Emperor and his new clothes.

[Somethingtosay]

15. Oy

1. This is my first post on DU, but I've followed GD and the lounge for a few years now. I was moved to post based on the content that you shared, which I feel inappropriately attempts to inform others that there is a sense of loss or otherness experienced by most adoptees - this has not been my experience, or that of my siblings or friends who are adopted - and there are a lot of us out there that were born in the 60's. I addressed it as your view based on some of your previous posts and the lack of commentary you provided.

All that being said, I have absolutely no issue with birth records being open if both parties agree. I would not like either of my birth parents to be able to blindly show up one day without my consent. While there is absolutely medical info I would like to know, I've been able to piece some of that together with genetic services such as 23&me before the FDA closed down that part of their genome business. These services also can allow you to find genetic family if someone is interested - for all the concerns about privacy that exist, at some point it's all moot with the use of Genome companies and their databanks of matching individuals.

Finally, as I have said before, I don't doubt your experience. I just don't feel people out of the adoptee experience should assume that the voice of the articles author speaks for all, or even a majority. Interest groups with mutual goals draw in those who have similar philosophies (example - DU). Adoptees who don't have the same desires as the groups you mention do not Facebook pages etc - why would we? Being adopted is just an interesting fact I know about myself - and a bit that I am thankful for every day. YMMV. Have a blessed holiday, and best wishes,for you to find the family connections you wish for.

[NOLALady]

27. Welcome to DU.

My dad was adopted nearly 90 years ago. 23andMe was a big help for us to piece together medical information.

[Somethingtosay]

29. 23&me

I also found it very helpful. I'm hoping that they can correct their relationship with the FDA so the service on the health side can be made available again to new people who don't have known family medical hx.

[Nuclear Unicorn]

31. Welcome to DU. Sincerely.

[Hekate]

36. Welcome to DU. I hope to see you around.

[Adrahil]

42. Welcome to DU!

My Dad was adopted in 1929, and he and my mother adopted my sister in 1965. Both my parents are fine now, but my sister and I are still close.

[pnwmom]

20. But couldn't self-selection be at work here? The adoptees who come to meetings

or find online support groups are more likely to have issues with their adoption.

I don't think it's fair to accuse the poster of not being "who you say you are" simply because s/he doesn't have the same feeling about adoption that you do.

Your feelings are real and justified, and so are the feelings of all the adoptees you have met in your groups. But so are the feelings of adoptees who feel more positively about their adoptions.

Among my friends growing up, two were adopted. One feels very strongly as you do, and the other would completely disagree. I'm not aware of any research that shows which person is more typical, but I'd be interested in reading it if you've seen some.

[me b zola]

21. These were the bullies as I grew up, these fucking stooges

So my Mom's mom was severely Irish. Of the very few times she ever acknowledged me she refereed to me as "it". My mother was shamed in the most horrible manner and continues to this day to be shamed for her pregnancy with me:

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[pnwmom]

22. What happened to you was evil. No child is an "it." And no child should ever

be made to feel that her existence is a cause for anyone to feel shame.

I'm so very sorry.




(Unfortunately, the sound on my computer is broken so I couldn't hear that video.)

[Mariana]

30. Your grandmother was hateful because she was Irish?

Seriously?

[me b zola]

32. yeah, that what I said

...:gobblie0 gook, I'm Irish blah blah I'm Irish so the the world sucks:" Yeah, thats exactly what I said. FFS

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

26. You carry around a lot of pain.

Unfortunately, everything begins to look like a nail when you carry a hammer.

I hope someday that you are able to let go of the pain and anger at your situation.

You have sought out like-minded individuals to validate your feelings. Good. Now, learn to validate other adoptees who may feel differently about their personal experiences. In the end, you really speak for no one but yourself. Allow them to speak their's.

Peace.

[pnwmom]

19. Welcome to DU, Somethingtosay! n/t

[pnwmom]

12. Thanks for the link to a passionate, thought-provoking essay.

All children need to be validated, and this is a special challenge in families created by adoption.

[me b zola]

14. Thank you for being a consistent voice for adoptees

I think that sometimes we become so enamored with an institution that when ever someone questions it that person becomes suspect. It really reminds me a lot of people saying that they do not like cops shooting unarmed citizens and the response from some is "why do you hate the police?". Stating that adopted people would like to see changes in the institution of adoption is not an attack on our adoptive parents. It means that we were born into a legal agreement without our permission and we as individuals have something to say about that.

Many families, adopted or natural, have challenges that in the best of circumstances they must meet head on to ensure that the family has its best chance at health and possibility. It doesn't even make sense to me to adopt a child and then refuse to recognize that they have needs that are unique to them. How can anyone adopt and not confront the fact that that child doesn't want to celebrate their "forever home" when they have just lost everything.

Thank you for listening, it really means a lot to me. ~j~

[kwassa]

17. this article is too stupid to comment on. Invented syndrome.

[me b zola]

18. Please don't adopt...or if u do make sure its a puppy

~on edit~ no, please leave the puppies too. Really, no one wants your hate

[Heidi]

46. This sort of mean-spiritedness--not discussion of adoptee issues--

may be why your threads on adoptee issues so often go off the rails. Could you consider treating other DUers--including fellow adoptees like me who happen to question some of your generalizations--with at least some degree of civility?

Thank you.

[Heidi]

23. The views expressed in the article are FAR from universal,

I can assure you. I was adopted, but I do not presume to speak for all adoptees. The article does not speak for me, and that's no fairy tale.

[me b zola]

28. Honest to God, posting about adoptee issues is like an episode of Bill Mahers republican in a bubble

The author of the article is simply stating that discussion of our biology and the effect of adoption on us causes many adoptive parents such discomfort that we learn that we cannot question the most basic facts of our lives. If this is not true for you, if your adoptive family embraces your biology, your history, the very essence of you, then great! But if that's true than why does this article bother you?

I have coined the term "the big hush" to describe exactly what the author is talking about. The only adoptee voices that are welcomed are of those that reflect the adoption industry talking points. My adopted brother and I could not be more different from each other if we tried. I always questioned (turns out I come from a long line of opinionated and mouthy, uppity women), he never wanted to upset anyone. Years before I knew that I had a given name, I told my family how much I hated my name and wanted to change it. Turns out that my adoptive mother unwittingly gave me the same name as my maternal grandmother who hated me and only referred to me as "it". Anyhoo, its easy to see how I was the black sheep of the family. I questioned and didn't blindly accept the bullshit heaped upon me. Back to my go-along-to-get-along brother, I finally received validation. He drunk called me ( he is not an alcoholic, so it made all the better!) to apologize for remaining quiet while I spoke up.

Back to the post and your response to it. If you have an environment that welcomes adoptive people to speak their truths thats great, but that is not majority of homes and that is what this post is about. Its about speaking anything other than adoption industry talking points and the vapors that it seems to cause.

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

37. I agree with you on many issues

especially the use of the term "adoption industry." It is an industry - trading in the commodity of children, which is horrid.

However, "you" have belittled those that have expressed their own realities. Adoptees in this thread who wanted others to know that not everyone shares your experiences.

And while I understand the point of the article, the author's tone towards adoptive parents was dripping with disdain, as I wrote in another response. If you cannot see that, you are far too deep into your own feelings of anger and hate to hear others' experiences, imo. Are their experiences unworthy of validation? Unworthy of being heard?

I have several children - some biological and some through adoption. (I don't give specifics about my life on this board; hence the generalities.) My children who were adopted were in talk therapy for years due to the abuse and neglect of their first home life, so while I come to this topic from a different point of view, I can assure you that adoption is a subject that I have read and researched very much.

Your experience is not unique; there are many just like you. However, there are also many others who don't share your extreme feelings and are indeed leading happy and whole lives, and don't spend their lives focused on their adoption.

I hope you find peace someday. Life is too short to be so bitter.

[Heidi]

47. Thank you for that very kind, experienced and reasoned post!

There's also something about some of this member's OPs that seems to me to reinforce misguided stereotypes that adoptees are inherently flawed, unable to self actualize even in adulthood, and unable to unable to live whole lives.

[TexasMommaWithAHat]

48. Thank you. :)

nt

[me b zola]

51. Oh my, your hatred is showing

..."stereotypes that adoptees are inherently flawed, unable to self actualize even in adulthood, and unable to unable to live whole lives. "

If you read the OP and decided that what you posted is the CLIFF NOTES to the article that I posted, then really you should just stop. Sop your attacks on me, because clearly you for whatever reason are unable to understand the simple premise of the OP~psst, I didn't write the article. If this article inflames you to the point of writing hateful attacks on myself or others, then just don't respond. The article does not in anyway resemble the thing that you are describing. So really, a good gal-pal would tell you to walk away.

#Loathsome

[Heidi]

53. I read and understood the article.

What I don't understand are your personal attacks on DUers who question your generalizations and those in the article. No one in this thread had been even remotely hateful toward you personally. I wish you peace.

[cali]

40. she is describing her experience and projecting it onto every adoptee

And all adoptive parents.

[cali]

41. + a whole bunch

[AnnieBW]

33. So, I guess being in foster care is far better for abandoned kids

Than actually being adopted.

[me b zola]

34. Apparently posting from an adoptee POV is the ultimate Rorschach test

Congratulations on using the smallest amount of words to post the most horrid response possible.

[cali]

39. generalizing, particularly to this extent is pretty fucked up

And loathsome/

[Heidi]

45. And daring to confront such a sweeping generalization

means DU doesn't welcome discussion of adoptee issues.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10026460056#post28

[me b zola]

50. "Loathsome"

Disclaimer: I do not speak for every Adoptee

I identify many different ways. For example, I identify as a woman, who happens to work in a STEM field. There are times I have conversations with people that are uniquely shaped with what I have experienced as a woman working in a male dominated field. I can give statistics, I can explain how it feels to know I make less than my coworkers, I can explain how I've been in situations where my gender has influenced my coworkers to ignore my thoughts and ideas, and I can state my experiences as the only woman on a six man team. I never have to say "and of course not all women working in a STEM field feel this way". It's accepted that I'm speaking based on my experiences. I've never had to qualify or defend my feelings. My male coworkers except it. They've seen it. And they value my opinion on the matter. I've even had some adjust their behavior because of these conversations.

Yet somehow, I often have to defend my feelings or experiences when I'm talk about adoption. There's always the disclaimer "Not all adoptees feel this way", or "I'm only speaking for myself here". Why is that? Why is it that when another adoptee says something we don't agree with, the first thing we see is another adoptee jumping in and saying "Well, I don't feel this way" or "You don't speak for me". Why do we do this to one another? I see this all the time. Adoptee A pours their heart out on the Internet (or sometimes in real life). This takes immense personal courage. Then Adoptee B chimes in "Well I don't feel that way!" and leaves it at that. The conversation is over. There is no dialog, no explanation. Just a wish to express that they feel differently without any context or without wanting to further the discussion. They don't seek to understand or communicate, they seek to drop something that to me appears to be silencing. I read that as "You don't speak for me, so stop speaking!"



As an adoptee, I don't speak for you. I speak for ME. I speak to my experience and what I feel and how I think about adoption. But somehow, that gets overlooked. First, I thought it was because there are so few adoptees that people may only speak to one adoptee in their entire life. But really, that's not the case. Taking out the people I've met through the online adoption community, there are four adoptees in my adoptive family (counting myself). My elementary school class had four or five adoptees. My parents' friends were adoptive parents in some cases. I grew up around adoptees to a certain extent and I don't view us as being some mythical creature that everyone only meets one of during their lives. Sorry, but I don't buy that.

Maybe it's because we often don't speak openly about adoption. Adoption is DEEPLY personal for so many of us. For me, it encompasses who I am as a person. It defines so much of who I am and how I grew up. Talking about something so personal and at times raw is difficult. Maybe that's why a lot of adoptees shy away from the topic of adoption. To some, it's not something they care to discuss for a variety of reasons. For others, it's something they've tried to speak about before, but are encouraged to stop for a variety of reasons. Maybe some of it comes from the fact that we're constantly being told that our view isn't the only view about adoption. It gets tiring. Really really tiring. Because of course my view on a complex subject isn't the only view! I think that's obvious. And yet people keep pointing it out, as a way of silencing. It's not just the adoptive parents, the natural parents, and the bystanders, it's other adoptees who are doing it!

~more @ link~ http://www.thelostdaughters.com/

And of course the most obvious smack down of your hateful reply is that it was not MY OP, but I posted Another adoptees article.
But of course, human decency varies #Loathsome

[el_bryanto]

49. I am adopted and I think this article is right for some and wrong for others

It doesn't sum up my experience in any way.

Bryant