"Pulling Myself Up By My Own Bootstraps", Heartwarming Biography of an Outsider Candidate

[whereisjustice]

Forthcoming bio, excerpts just released.

From the Chapter on Growing Up and Leaving Home

After personally intervening to defuse the riots triggered by Martin Luther King's assassination, I turned down a West Point scholarship offered to me by this guy I met. While I might have deferred my entitled future as a military hero, I wasn't about to stay home and bake cookies. I was, after all, the plucky child of hardworking American immigrants and my mother named me after one of the most famous mountain climbers in the world. Even though I was dead broke when I left home, I overcame my struggles and climbed my way to the top.

From the Chapter on Diplomacy

I made a decision to live up to the inspirational figures and namesakes bestowed upon me. Surviving childhood in a war torn, violent community gifted me an ability to manipulate events with surgeon-like skills. Whether negotiating the Northern Ireland peace process, dodging sniper fire in Bosnia to end the Balkan war or spreading American-style democracy to Libya, Syria and Yemen, I was able draw upon the strength and experience of my own imagination as a brilliant diplomat. For example, if you want peace in the Middle east, you have two options, bomb Palestinians until they give up or slip them into Egypt, overnight, when no one is looking.

From the Chapter on Survival

Goldman Sachs, Ctitgroup, PhARMA had me under siege. Their daily onslaught of cash bombs shook the very core of my foundation. I used wheelbarrows, dump trucks, pyramids and anything I could get my hands on to protect my family. As the chaos of wealth and privilege exploded all around me, I held quiet vigil in off-shore tax shelters. It is a blessed miracle that I survived. But I learned a valuable lesson about money. Welfare is like slavery. Too many of those on welfare had known nothing but dependency all their lives. It was time for reform.

From the Chapter on Technology

Having two devices for email is inconvenient which is why I keep a US Government email server in my basement. I don’t know, I don’t throw anything away. I’m like two steps short of a hoarder. So I have an iPad, a mini iPad, an iPhone and a Blackberry. Actually, email is a bit confusing to me which is why I like sending jobs to China and India. All that boring technical stuff needs to go to Asia so we can free up our time for more important things like deregulating Wall Street banks.