The DUzy Awards for Friday, June 1st, 2012

[The DUzy Awards]

Last edited Sun Jun 3, 2012, 12:40 AM - Edit history (2)

[center][big][big][big]WELCOME to the DUZY AWARDS![/big][/big][/big][/center]

Your weekly delivery of puns, zingers, jokes, groaners, moaners, ROFLers, and various and sundry other bits of humor!


How it works:

You see a funny post and you want to put it in contention. Great! Send a private-message to “The DUzy Awards” and include a link to the original post and the # of the reply you want to nominate, and then copy-and-paste the OP and the nominated post into the message. That’s in case of a self-deletion or an edit or something.

If a member’s name is in [font color=#800080]purple text[/font], then that member has won a DUzy for the week.

If text is in [font color=#FF0000]red italicized text[/font] that’s a comment from me.

All past DU3 DUzies are in this account’s Journal for your enjoyment. If you want the older ones, go find JeffR’s Journal on DU2… if you can!!! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!




[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by pokerfan
[big] RIAA Sued LimeWire For More Money Than Exists In The World[/big]
Good luck with that.

The RIAA still has it out for LimeWire despite the fact that it was shut down in October 2010. The RIAA stated to a court that it has identified over 11,000 American songs that were being illegally shared, and as a result, LimeWire should compensate for every individual download of the tracks. How much does the RIAA think LimeWire should pay? Approximately $72 trillion, a figure that is 20% higher than the combined wealth of the entire world. Fortunately for LimeWire, the judge dismissed the case, stating that the RIAA is only entitled to sue per song rather than individual downloads. Even so, going by the figure of $150,000 per song, LimeWire could be subjected to paying a $1.65 billion fine.

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/industry_news/limewire_sued_for_more_money_than_exists_in_the_world.html

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] KurtNYC [/font]
[big] 13. Limewire should pay them in songs [/big]
Write 11,000 songs Limewire! Write a bot that grinds out songs (call it Phillip Glass 2.0).

They are worth (72 tril divided by 11,000 = ) $65.4 million each apparently.

Even the Phil Collins songs -- $65.4 million.

GD, 25 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002728109


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by tcaudilllg
[big] I hate DU[/big]
I hate everything about it. Not for what it is, but for what it prevents other sites from becoming through its existence. The Dems do not need a central hub in a forum -- they need a kind of RSS cross network thing, with which to monitor developments on many forums at once. One that ISN'T POLICED. As it is most democrats come to DU because it's the big site, and it has search engine visibility, and lots of other advantages. It has all these advantages, but it just sucks because I disagree with it. I think the thing that really kills it is that people are trying to make a living running it, and that leads in all sorts of nasty directions. The best Dem forums are completely free, run with donations, and are small scale.

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] scarletwoman [/font]
[big] 19. Fine. DU wants the sweater back that you borrowed. And the Alanis Morrisette CDs you borrowed. [/big]
And those cute red shoes you swore you were only going to wear on that one date because you couldn't find anything else to go with your new outfit, but then you never gave them back and kept wearing them until you broke one of the heels and then lied about it and said you didn't remember anything about any red shoes, but then DU found them on the floor in the back of your closet and you started screaming that they were yours and pushed DU out of your room and called DU all sorts of nasty names and started spreading ugly rumors about DU at lunch and hung a dead squirrel in DU's locker.

Frankly, I wouldn't blame DU one bit if DU hates you back.


M-D, 26 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1240100658


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by Omaha Steve
[big] Report: Fla. officer shoots, kills naked attacker[/big]
Source: CBS-AP

(AP) MIAMI - A Miami police officer on Saturday fatally shot a naked man who was chewing on the face of another man on a downtown causeway off-ramp, police and witnesses said.

The Miami Herald reports that gunshots were heard at about 2 p.m. on the MacArthur Causeway off-ramp, which is near the newspaper's offices. Witnesses said that a woman saw two men fighting and flagged down a police officer, who came upon a naked man mauling the other man. The newspaper quoted witnesses as saying that the officer ordered the naked man to back away, and when he ignored the demand, the officer shot him. Witnesses said that the naked man continued his attack after being shot once, and the officer shot him several more times.

Police said the other man was transported to Jackson Memorial Hospital Ryder Trauma Center. The newspaper said he had suffered critical injuries.

The police department confirmed in a news release that there was an officer-related shooting, but did not include many details provided by witnesses to the newspaper.

Read more: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57442197/report-fla-officer-shoots-kills-naked-attacker/

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF] itsrobert
[big] 2. Florida? [/big]
The land of nuts and nuts.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] TahitiNut [/font]
[big] 6. Please don't say "nuts" like it's a Bad Thing. It's offensive to us Nuts. [/big]
Thanks.

* This is a public service posting on behalf of the International Association of Fruits & Nuts, Ad Hoc DU Chapter.

[small] ** This message may or may not reflect the opinions of 10minutearticle, 1plain1peanut, AcadamiaNut, aquanut, B3Nut, blackwalnut, bobbonutrino, bozosleftnut, bulugnut, BUSHISNUTS, butternut, butternutty, buttnutt, Canadiangunnut, capsnut, Carnut, CarNutAtl, Cash U. Nutt, CA_liberal_nut, Chanute, coconut, Coconut Buddha Ape, coconut55, CoconutMonkey, coconutofdoom, Coconuts, coconut_oil, conspiracy-nut, cybernut, darlademnut, deeznuts, DemNutz, democratinutah, deznuts, deznutts, donut, donut33, donutrevolutionary, Donuts, donutwant, econut, elvisthenut, fleabitpeanutmonkey, fluffernutter, fordnut, FruityNuts, fuzzlenutz, gaygunnut, GnomesLeftNut, grapenut1998, graphixnut, gunnut12345, HangingSaddamByHisNutsack, hangonjustaminute, hazelnut, HealthNut, Historynut, Jacknut, jakenuts, JaneDoughnut, JustFiveMoreMinutes, just_anuther_gurl, Kazznut, KnuteThingrich, KNUTSY, kokonuts, konominut, lastminutevoter, leftnut22, leftrightwingnut, leftrightwingnuts, leftwingnut, LeftyWingNut, Lefty_WingNut, Lela McNutt, Letters From A Nut, liberalgunnut, LiberalInUtah, lilpnut, Lonenut23, lonenutcracker, loosenut, Lugnut, Luv nut, MACanuto, madminute, MarlinNut, MilsurpNut, Minuteman, Minutes, monkeynuts6969, monolithic_juggernut, Mr Peanut, Mr. Peanut, mrpeanut, my15minutes, NONnutcase, NorthwestNut, NoToCubanRepubnuts, nsaixphnutex, numinut, Nut Grinderswitch, Nutboy, nutcake, nutcase, nutcracker420, nutcrakcer, nutgrass, nuthatch, nuthead2ub, Nutkinnews, Nutmeg, NutMeg021576, nutmeg08, Nutmeg1576, Nutmeg61, Nutmegger, NutmegJenny, NutmegYankee, nutmeg_express, Nutniks, nuton2wheels, nutone, nutria, Nutrino, NutritionFacts, Nuts, nuts101, nutsco101, nutshell2002, nutsnberries, nutsnbolts, NutterFluffer, NuttinBut, nutty left, NuttyFluffers, nuttyjake, nuttymango, nuttywoody, nututhissite, oaknut, omgiamgoingnuts, Opera Nut, ornanut, paolonutuni, peanut, Peanut Gallery, peanut2010, peanut3729, peanut57, peanutbrittle, PeanutButter, Peanutcat, PeanutGallery, PeanutOne, peanuts, peanutz, Permanut, pnutchuck, pnutfarmer, PNutt, PoliSciNut, PolitiNut, PublicHealthNut, pucknut, Racenut20, reichwingnut, somenut, soulforpeanuts, soulforpeanutz, Soynut, spacenut, Spudnuts, superbeachnut, TahitiNut, the wingnuttiest, undamynutz, Unuttymuh, videonut, walnutpie, weenut1, Wingnut19, Wingnutblogger, Wingnutsawry, wwwalnut, or yoganut. [/small]

LBN, 26 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1014129451


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by malaise
[big] Who built the Golden Gate Bridge?[/big]
Celebrate San Francisco!! Celebrate government infrastructure for the social good.
Back in the day private enterprise joined forces with the government for the good of all.



75 years and going strong

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] pinboy3niner [/font]
[big] 1. Was it... [/big]

?

GD, 27 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002734572


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by Playinghardball
[big] Did You Know This Shocking Way That We're Behind Much Of The World?[/big]


Found on the Facebook wall of The Peoples Boycott/MoveOn.org

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF] Sea-Dog
[big] 3. I take it. Men get even less. [/big]
*elsewhere*
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] The Magistrate [/font]
[big] 12. Oh, What a Ghastly, Put-Upon Horror it Is, Being a Man, Sir [/big]
To be born with testicles is to be born accursed.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF] ErikJ
[big] 24. Castrated men live 10-15 years longer [/big]
An evolutionary scientist author said on the local radio Progressive show that males castrated early in life have a 10-15 year old longer life expectancy. It was in response to how THom Hartmann claims that testosterone is the most dangerous drug in the world.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] The Magistrate [/font]
[big] 25. You Must Be Lots Of Fun At Parties, Fella.... [/big]

GD, 29 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002741187


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by JVS
[big] I hate it when I send an alert only to find that someone else's alert has already failed.[/big]
It's like I'm being denied a chance to plead my case against obvious trollery.

Let me show you this redacted alert response to demonstrate (all caps and change of time is used to protect the identity of the obviously guilty):

At Thu May 31, 2012, 06:31 PM you sent an alert on the following post:

CENSORED
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=REDACTED
The reason for the alert was:

This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate. (See <a href="http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=aboutus#communitystandards" target="_blank">Community Standards</a>.)

You added the following comments:

Eagle avatars instantly and invariably provoke suspicion that this guy is a MIRT case. I suppose this is inadequate grounds for a banning, but who the fuck addresses a board as "INSERT GRATUITOUS INSULT HERE" after INSERT NUMBER LOWER THAN 10 posts. Nothing good will come from this smeg-head, I assure you. Do the right thing and hide his posts and ban him now. Addressing the opposing side in an argument as "CHILDISH WORD" from the beginning is an obvious harbinger of disruption to come unless you and the MIRT employ the Iron Fist. All you jurors have fun now, and we'll have a round of beers in Meta when this troll is eliminated.

A randomly-selected Jury of DU members completed their review of this post at Thu May 31, 2012, 06:19 PM, and voted 2-4 to keep it.


So anyway 13 minutes before getting my alert the jury carelessly kept from the PPR he so richly deserves.

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF] OmahaBlueDog
[big] 4. One post. One review. One jury. [/big]
We don't keep trying people until we get the jury result we want.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF] JVS
[big] 5. That seems unfair. If one were to flash a bus full of nuns, isn't each nun allowed to file an... [/big]
individual complaint?
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] scarletwoman [/font]
[big] 6. If one were to flash a bus full of nuns, one would rightfully be smited by a lightning bolt, [/big]
therefore your point is moot.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] taterguy [/font]
[big] 9. If that was true I wouldn't be here to type this [/big]

M-D, 31 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1240103659


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by cali
[big] Jesus found in Texas bathroom mold[/big]
SPLENDORA, Texas, May 31 (UPI) -- A Texas family says they are getting strength from an image of Jesus they found in the mold growing inside the shower of their home.

Chyanna Richards, who lives in the home, told KTRK-TV, Houston, she doesn't know if it's mold or mildew in the bathroom but said the appearance of Jesus' image has meaning.

"Maybe it means something. Maybe look into yourself and see if you need to change something in your life," she said.

The mold began growing in the bathroom at the Splendora home a couple months ago when Thomas George, who lives in the

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2012/05/31/Jesus-found-in-Texas-bathroom-mold/UPI-16361338493001/#ixzz1wVGP3cfS

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] JHB [/font]
[big] 9. And lo, mold-Jesus spake unto the thronging showerites... [/big]
...goest thou forth an findeth a humble scrub brush,
then return to the tile and scrub with great vigor!
For I say unto thee, if thou seekest the Lord,
ye shalt not find Him in the mold of the shower,
nor in the Pachyderms and Preachers.
Ye shall find him by embracing thy neighbor, all of them,
and raising taxes on incomes of millions of shekels.

GD, 31 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002751121


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by onehandle
[big] The end of the Milky Way galaxy as we know it[/big]
Source: CNN

(CNN) - Our Milky Way galaxy is an anomaly in more ways than one. And now, NASA scientists say they know exactly when it will come to an end. In a universe that is forever spreading apart, the Milky Way has been moving closer to celestial neighbor the Andromeda galaxy. But whether we are in for intergalactic Armageddon or an extraterrestrial fender bender has been a mystery -- until now.

"Very interestingly, we find that Andromeda galaxy does appear to be coming straight at us," said Roeland van der Marel, an astronomer at the Space Telescope Science Institute in Baltimore. He was scheduled to speak at a NASA press conference Thursday.

The discovery was made thanks to images taken over the 22-year lifespan of the Hubble Space Telescope. But the quest to determine the Milky Way galaxy's expiration date has been undertaken by astronomers for more than 100 years. Now, for the first time, NASA scientists say they know "with certainty" when our beloved galaxy will cease to exist as we know it, what it will look like and how it will happen.

New data collected by the Hubble Space Telescope proves, NASA says, that in 4 billion years the Milky Way and Andromeda will collide or pass each other by so closely that the gravitational force each exerts on the other will cause them to slow down to the point of merging. The merger will be completed 6 billion years from now.


Read more: http://www.abcactionnews.com/dpp/news/science_tech/the-end-of-the-milky-way-galaxy-as-we-know-it

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF] qb
[big] 20. Maybe I'm simple-minded, but if everything's moving away from the Big Bang, how do galaxies collide? [/big]

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Arugula Latte [/font]
[big] 47. Well, when a mommy galaxy and a daddy galaxy love each other very much ... [/big]

LBN, 31 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1014132751


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by raccoon
[big] Do most people only read the thread title and no more?[/big]
Heck, I'd do a poll if I could. as follows:


Yes, I do that all the time.

No, I NEVER do that.


Other



[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] ret5hd [/font]
[big] 1. Do most people only read? What kinda question is that? [/big]

The Lounge, 28 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018123641


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by underpants
[big] CAPTION this Mah'velous! Spectackylar! moment of (mis) understanding how to play the photo-op angle[/big]



[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] amerikat [/font]
[big] 4. Wow. It's Airforce None! [/big]
You couldn't even Photo Shop a more telling picture.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Whisp [/font]
[big] 7. Douche Descending a Staircase [/big]
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] underpants [/font]
[big] 11. Flown into Vegas by a rich philanderer... [/big]
We've establish what you are. Now we are just negotiating price.

GD, 29 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002741804


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by rustydog
[big] Limbaugh: ‘I created more jobs than Obama and Romney put together’ [/big]
Rushbo, the problem is Obama and Rawmoney are referring to employment not sex acts.

www.rawstory.com


[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Initech [/font]
[big] 2. Sure - pilots, pharmacists, underage sex workers, TSA Agents... [/big]
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] 3waygeek [/font]
[big] 4. Divorce attorneys... [/big]
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Initech [/font]
[big] 6. And subsequently - wedding planners... [/big]

GD, 29 May 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002742014


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by K8-EEE
[big] I missed the portrait unveiling yesterday but this photo really made me LOL[/big]
The Bushes look like they had an early cocktail hour!



[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] HillWilliam [/font]
[big] 4. What is it with Republican women and those crazy [/big]
googly eyes? Damn. If I had to wake up to one of those serial-killer stares every day, I'd stay drunk, too.

[font color=#FF0000]Yikes![/font]

GD, 1 June 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002753160

Thanks to: Make7, UnrepentantLiberal, beac, Scuba, LiberalAndProud, scarletwoman, Vanje, dixiegrrrrl, rocktivity, and Mira!


Submitted for shits and giggles,
-Krispos42

[krispos42]

1. Damn holidays

Throwing me off my game and shit.

[UnrepentantLiberal]

5. You runnined my Saturday morning coffee.

Then again, the DUzys make more sense with an evening beer... or three...

Edit: "runnined"... Maybe that was four beers.

[petronius]

2. LOL! TahitiNut went the extra mile on that one (and actually reading through

that list of *nut*s is pretty damn funny in it's own right)...

[WillParkinson]

4. What else can be said?

The boy just loves his nuts.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

25. One of my former handles is in that list.

If any old timers at du remember me when I was Opera Nut, I would love to know about it. After that I was Perragrande.

[Ruby the Liberal]

3. Yay!! Thanks Krispos!

k&r

[Vanje]

6. Thanks! I loves me some DUZYs! nt

[msanthrope]

7. Thank you!!! nt

[Canuckistanian]

8. Funniest DUZY EVAH

Seriously, my eyes are watering....

DUers outdid themselves this week!

[dixiegrrrrl]

9. Scarlet Woman's Duzy was SO well earned!

Not to leave out anyone else, of course.

[annabanana]

12. stellar indeed!. . . . .n/t

[Ruby the Liberal]

16. I laughed until I cried when I read that the first time.

Tonight, it was just as funny.

[scarletwoman]

26. Thank you!

Last edited Sun Jun 3, 2012, 08:55 PM - Edit history (1)

You like me! You really like me!

[Mira]

10. Thanks for the laughs

and some memories.
You are so appreciated!

[Initech]

11. Woohoo!!!! I gots me one!!

Although I did like that "Douche Descending A Staircase" comment.

[Gregorian]

13. I used to think Laura was holding up George. Now I'm not so sure.

Maybe they're a team. Crazy and high, and hanging on for dear life.

[dixiegrrrrl]

17. That pic is gonna be such a classic.

Laura's glazed stare off into space is beyond belief.

[grantcart]

14. I get the giggles part but why do you post it for

shits?

[krispos42]

19. Depends.

I'm heavily invested in the parent company of Depends.

[JHB]

15. WooHoo! Made the DUzies!

[krispos42]

18. Oopsie

Typo'ed out a DUzy for Arugula Latte and Initech! All better now. Clicked the wrong macro button in MS Word...

[coalition_unwilling]

20. Taterguy's response to flashing a bus of nuns - Priceless - Still

laughing about it - n/t

[taterguy]

21. Me too

Obviously

[scarletwoman]

22. Congratulations, taterguy!

However, I would still advise your friends to avoid standing anywhere near you during a thunderstorm.

[taterguy]

23. Do you really think I'd do that a second time?

That's a rhetorical question.

[hootinholler]

24. In that last photo...

Is Laura, um, What the hell is Laura doing to Michelle? That doesn't look like a football pat.

[dixiegrrrrl]

27. what ever it is, it appears to be making her happy.

That glazed grin is so...Republican wife-y.