Is anyone here familiar with NVC- Non-violent Communication? a method

[ellenrr]

developed by Marshall Rosenberg that is sup'd to help people communicate better.

It may be an excellent method, but someone is using it on me, and I wonder...
if she has the right idea bec. I do not find it enhances communication.

would be interested to hear from anyone who is familiar with this.

thanks.

[Brickbat]

1. It's not an evidence-based model. Is this a friend, co-worker, boss?

[ellenrr]

2. what do you mean by evidence-based model? give an example pls of something

that is evidence-based
Do you mean the way physics for ex is evidence-based?
In the field of human relationships I can't think of anything that could be called 'evidence-based" the way science is.

but perhaps you are thinking of things that are.

[laundry_queen]

3. Not super familiar

I did use it with my kids when they were younger. I think it's appropriate for toddlers and maybe ages 4-8 but not much older.

I find when people use it on me, because I can recognize it, I instantly feel manipulated or feel like that person isn't being authentic with me. Often the person comes off as totally condescending to others around too....especially at work.

I don't use it with my kids now, as they are older and it feels forced. I find with most people as long as you validate their feelings, that's what's important. Listen and validate, no need to follow a formula, IMO.

[ellenrr]

4. totally agree with you. I also find it feels forced, rote, and inauthentic...

It is sup'd to foster empathy, but in some cases it can do just the opposite.
I think empathy comes from the person, it is a character trait, it can not be adopted as a formula. nvc implies that if I say. "...." then that is being empathetic.

but it isn't. I also felt manipulated by my friend and condescended to.

my idea is that nvc attracts people who are insecure, it gives them a group to belong to, and they can feel superior to the rest of us.
I actually found that in words stated on the site of someone who id promoting nvc.
People who do not do nvc are "less skilled" in communicating. !
yeah right.
that's why my friend who does nvc has no friends in the world except me, and that is not going very well.

this is a quote from a critic of nvc, which I totally agree with:

Soft words couched with violence are harder to identify, especially when the person uttering them is convinced that their language is not violent.
Whenever somebody starts spouting about projections, mirrors and pseudo-psychology my alarm bells go off. Such an individual is, for me, a well-intentioned individual with whom I cannot communicate.
For me, such language is the height of inconsiderate relationship.

When a person starts the holier than thou speech about projection or mirroring, I wonder if they are aware of the other aspects present. Before such words occur, something non-spiritual happens. A judgment. An assumption. And most assuredly, an absence of listening or understanding.

[PuraVidaDreamin]

5. If you rephrase/ paraphrase correctly it could work

I think tone of voice used in rephrasing is important too.
For example " did you just say......." Probably not good
But " could you help me understand, I think what I heard you say is......." A lot better

Unless you are talking with an aggressive insecure type- or a straight out bully ( probably the same thing)

[ellenrr]

7. I agree. Re-phrasing is fine and useful to make sure you got the

other person's meaning.
But I don't think most of us need to read a book or take a seminar to realize that.
If I am unsure of someone's meaning, then I should ask.

but in nvc - at least as practiced by my friend - she would parrot back to me what I said - which I found not only useless, but extremely annoying.
ex. me: 'I feel blue bec I had an argument with my co-worker.'
response: 'I hear you say you feel blue bec you had an argument with your co-worker.'
period.
I think good communication involves listening, but also asking questions, and offering feed-back.
so one might respond, 'what was the argument about?'
or
'I imagine that can be disturbing'.

[meaculpa2011]

6. Non-Violent Communication 101...

Bad example: "I'm gonna strangle you!"

NVC example: "Would you like to jump off a bridge with a noose tied around your neck while I tie the other end to the railing?"