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Mon Feb 22, 2016, 11:25 PM

Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs



ITHACA, NY—Warning that the flora in the immediate vicinity withers and turns black at an alarming rate, scientists from Cornell University alerted the public Monday that all plant life within a 30-yard radius of each of presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s campaign signs is rapidly dying off.

“Within several hours of placing a ‘Cruz 2016’ placard into the ground, it appears that a fast-spreading blight begins to emanate outward in all directions from the sign, desiccating and destroying every blade of grass, flower, and tree in its path,” said researcher Martha Pastuck, adding that tests of the soil beneath the Ted Cruz yard signs revealed it to be highly acidic and often scalding to the touch.

“We’ve also recorded several instances of heavily rotted deer carcasses found lying nearby, likely after the animals ate some of the afflicted foliage. We would recommend that all people, especially the elderly, infirm, and pregnant women, maintain a safe distance from all Ted Cruz signage.”

Pastuck added that the research team can only comment on the conditions surrounding individual Cruz placards, noting that lawns or highway medians containing multiple signs are undergoing too much seismic activity to safely approach.

http://www.theonion.com/article/scientists-warn-all-plant-life-dying-within-30-yar-52409

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Arrow 7 replies Author Time Post
Reply Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs (Original post)
Zorro Feb 2016 OP
Kelvin Mace Feb 2016 #1
Jeffersons Ghost Feb 2016 #2
First Speaker Feb 2016 #3
47of74 Feb 2016 #4
Cirque du So-What Feb 2016 #5
Marie Marie Feb 2016 #6
Wounded Bear Feb 2016 #7

Response to Zorro (Original post)

Mon Feb 22, 2016, 11:28 PM

1. Now, if I were a mischievous person

 

I would get Cruz sign to put up, but would look for blighted areas to plant them in.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Mon Feb 22, 2016, 11:44 PM

2. LOL! K&R

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Mon Feb 22, 2016, 11:48 PM

3. Hmmm...I wonder if Ted Cruz, personally, is responsible for Global Climate Change...

...he was born the same year as the first Earth Day...coincidence? I think not...!

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Feb 23, 2016, 12:18 AM

4. LOL

Yeah I was coming here to DU to post about this.

And yeah I know this is The Onion. But still. LOL.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Feb 23, 2016, 12:30 AM

5. Two words: dog whiz

It is my esteemed theory that Carnival Cruz signs are a self-reinforcing stimulant to the canine bladder; doggies just can't resist. Once a ring of repugnance is established, well, it's good night Irene.

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Response to Cirque du So-What (Reply #5)

Tue Feb 23, 2016, 12:39 AM

6. Duzy

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Feb 23, 2016, 01:28 AM

7. K & R ...... nt

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