"To Men I Love, About Men Who Scare Me"

[1monster]

http://aplus.com/a/to-men-i-love-from-men-that-scare-me?c=9437&utm_campaign=i2984&utm_source=a94178&utm_content=inf_4_459_2&tse_id=INF_3bab6e2bf2ca448cbff47ff790c05147

snip:

So to the generally well-intentioned men in my life, please consider this: no matter what I accomplish or how self-assured I am feeling, the aforementioned dickhead bouncers of the world will still believe they have a right to demand my time and attention, even when I want to be alone. They will still insist I be polite and cheerful, even while they make me uncomfortable and afraid. They will still comment about my body and allude to sexual violence, and then berate me for being "stuck up" if I don't receive it with a sense of humor. They will still choose to reinforce their dominance with a reminder that they could hurt me if they wanted to, and that I should somehow be grateful if they don't. This has made me defensive. It has put me more on my guard than I would like to be.

Decent male humans, this is not your fault, but it also does not have nothing to do with you. If a woman is frosty or standoffish or doesn't laugh at your joke, consider the notion that maybe she is not an uptight, humorless bitch, but rather has had experiences that are outside your realm of understanding, and have adversely colored her perception of the world. Consider that while you're just joking around, a woman might actually be doing some quick mental math to see if she's going to have to hide in a fucking bathroom stall and call someone to come help her, like I did three days ago.

Please adjust your mindset and your words accordingly.

[annabanana]

1. kick . . .n/t

[djean111]

2. Had quite a few conversations about this with grandson.

He said why do girls act like every guy might be a rapist? I said because every guy might be a rapist, and most times we don't find out until its too late, and even then - some will say it is our own damned fault. Being careful is important.

[raccoon]

6. Good on you! nt

[Coventina]

3. K&R

[Brickbat]

4. K&R

[Jenny_92808]

5. Unfortunately I learned the hard way.

My husband abused me and threatened to kill me....I divorced him. He ended up murdering a later wife. He was a devout Morman.

[Hortensis]

8. Congrats. You're a learner and a doer.

[Orrex]

7. I would love to live in a world where this is not the case

And it sure as hell ain't the women who need to change to make this world into that one.

K/R

[davidthegnome]

9. As a man - I agree with this message.

It's not just women who are scared of that type of man. I have never been a very big guy (I'm not tiny, I'm 5'8, and about 190, but...) and I have experienced being severely bullied, beaten, mocked, and condescended to by the sorts of men mentioned here - my whole life, because I'm not a macho tough guy or your typical "manly man". If they treat me this way, being a hetero, white male... how much worse must it be for women and LGBT? I can only imagine. You have my empathy and my sympathy.

Compassion, empathy, mutual respect, courtesy... consideration for others... THESE are things that are TRULY manly - and more than that - humanly (is that even a word? If it isn't, it should be).

K & R.

[raccoon]

10. THANK YOU. nt

[1monster]

13. I have seen this. About fifteen of us would meet in a small

warehouse to assemble newspapers for delivery. One of the guys was huge (and a sweetheart). He had a young woman working as an assembler. One evening, when enough papers had been put together to make his first run, he and few other deliverers took off to do their first run routes while the rest of us continued assembling papers.

There were about five guys (aging between fifteen and forty) still in the warehouse working when a young man in early to mid twenties came in and started haranguing and harassing the young woman, swearing, cussing, and calling her nasty names. He was clearly working his way up to some violence against the young woman.

All the men left in the place tucked their heads down, busied themselves with incredible concentration on assembling their papers, and studiously did not look at each other or the threatening young man.

When I realized that none of the men were man enough to tell this jerk to leave, I, who had a six months old baby in a backpack on my back, asked him to not use such language in front of my child (and the other younger people who were there) and that he should leave.

He started whining to me that she was a whore, a bitch, etc. I told him that I didn't care if she was... That was her business and he needed to leave. (The men in the room were still studiously NOT looking in the direction of the bully.) I told him if he didn't leave, I was calling the police.

He left the building and retreated to the other side of the street. The young woman told me that he had been stalking her and she was afraid. I told her I'd go to the public phone on the other side of the building to call the police. When the young man saw us using the telephone, he took off.

The police were not much help. They told her they couldn't do anything until he actually did something... (This was before stalking laws were enacted -- early nineties.)

The adult men in the room left about this time and the huge guy, my husband, and another deliverer (female) came back from their first run just after this. My husband was appalled that I had confronted the guy; the huge guy (for whom she worked) promised to help her whatever way he could, and I started carrying a Louisville slugger around in my vehicle...

The five guys in the room... scared half out of their minds never lifted a finger or said a word, then or later.

[davidthegnome]

16. Sadly a common occurrence.

I remember plenty of locker room beatings and such, where a few reasonable people looked at me with sympathy, but did nothing to stop the bullies, even when their fists were covered with my blood. Some times bad things come to pass because good people do nothing. I have made it a point, in my life, to stand up to bullies whenever and wherever I can. I'll tolerate a lot of criticism, mocking, teasing - and that sort of thing, but I won't tolerate bullies. The proper reaction to those words is not to respond with physical violence (IMO) but to argue in a rational, calm manner whenever possible - as well as to defend others if violence is being committed against them. In my opinion, the only time violence is called for or necessary is when it is in defense of ourselves or others.

It took courage for you to do what you did in confronting him, and I applaud that courage. I have had to do something similar a few times in my life - and it is extremely difficult for me, because I am a very nervous, very shy kind of person. Still, I will not tolerate bullies. Period. They should never have to be tolerated, or allowed to continue their behavior without response. Even when I'm shaking with adrenaline and fear, I will stand up to those who bully others.

I will not say that the men in the room were cowards, it is likely that they considered reacting in some way, but also didn't want to incite a confrontation that could lead to violence and someone going to jail. It's also hard to know these days - who has a gun and who doesn't. I don't blame you for carrying around the slugger, either, I have my own baseball bat in my car... just in case.

For me, personal experience makes a huge difference. I know what it's like to be made to feel powerless, helpless. I know what it's likely to struggle in futility against people who are holding you down while others beat you. I will never though - never - let them win without a fight.

[LiberalArkie]

14. I was the lurch in middle school. 5'11" and 115lbs and 5% body fat.

I was taller than the basket ball players and hated because I had medical problems which prevented me from taking gym. I had the jocks strip me and push me in the girls locker room where they kicked the crap out of me. I was suspended for a week from school.

I have the good fortune of being 68 and outliving all my bullies. I have been beat up but have never laid a finger on anyone else, so in Trumps world I am still a wimp, and that's ok.

To edit to say, there are way too many Trumps and Coulters out there.

[Omaha Steve]

11. Thanks for posting

K&R!

OS

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

12. In my experience, most people come in a variety of flavors.

Which adds to the daily magic show.

[Lazy Daisy]

15. My favorite

"Smile, your prettier when you smile"

As if it's my job to appeal to a strangers visual senses. You want to see a thing of beauty? Go to a museum.

[Cassidy]

18. "Smile.You just had a big night." Scarborough tweet to Clinton after Mar 15 primary wins.

I don't know how people watch Morning Joe. Joe et al. turn my stomach.

http://thinkprogress.org/media/2016/03/15/3760668/hillary-clinton-male-pundits-sexist-tweets/

[Arugula Latte]

20. I hate that so much.

Then you have three choices:

- Obey and smile like a trained chimp; feel a piece of you die inside
- Scowl or say something back and get called an uptight bitch or worse
- Ignore pointedly and get called an uptight bitch or worse

[Aerows]

22. Or

"You'd be much more attractive if you'd talk to somebody else."

[Skittles]

23. FUCK OFF

my lifelong standard response to that request

[mac56]

17. Excellent post.

[Odin2005]

19. As a guy it pisses me off that this shit still happens.

[phylny]

21. k/r :) n/t

[So Far From Heaven]

24. I 'shock' my students on the first day of class bringing this up

in conjunction with title IX.

I have a wife I'd die for and two daughters who deserve better.