Vermin News Network: Rehabilitation Monday Edition 21 March 2016

[Warren Stupidity]

Monday March 14 - Pi Day

Utterly baffling the US Military Industrial Complex, Vladimir Putin announced that Russian forces would start withdrawing from Syria, less than one year after Russia intervened to prevent the collapse of the Assad regime. "He doesn't seem to understand how this game is played" bemoaned one anonymous source, "it isn't about accomplishing missions, this is setting a bad example for the rest of us". US military missions generally last "forever" or until the last worthless dollar is drained from the last tax paying peasant, whichever comes first.

Google has developed a software system that plays the game of go at a grand master level and has now defeated the worlds top ranked go player. Go is considered to be far more difficult to master than chess, a game that was once considered impossible for computers to master. Humans now cannot compete against computers in chess matches. Not to worry, of course it took very bright humans to write the software that can play go at a grand master level. Well that is true, except those humans wrote software that then taught itself how to play go at a grand master level. All hail our robot go masters!

Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik returned to court to demand better games and beverages and such and did so in true form by saluting the court Hitler Style. Vermin News notes that Trump supporters are also using the raised hand salute these days.

Speaking of Nazis, TRUMPF is going to win in Florida on tuesday and if he wins in Ohio the nomination is his. It is likely his anyway. The TRUMPFINATION is now a sure bet.

It is now officially MARCH MADNESS! Vermin News is researching what this is, and we have learned that it has nothing to do with TRUMPF! It does have something to do it seems with "making a racket", or "filling out a bracket" or sweet sixteen birthday parties, anyway it is a REALLY BIG DEAL.

Its All Over Tuesday, March 15

The tedious corrupt centrist Clinton and the authoritarian bully-klown Trump wrapped up their respective nominations Tuesday night. Clinton likely won all 5 states, several of them winner-take-all, although Missouri was still undecided Wednesday morning. Trumpf won four out of five states, losing only to Kasich in Ohio, his home state. The media immediately focused in on Kasich as the Not-TRUMPF! even though he hasn't won any other states and has no chance at the nomination. Rubio admitted that his campaign is over, having lost his home state of Florida to Trump. Ted Cruz appears to be missing. Has anyone seen Ted?

It's still all over but we can't get over it Wednesday, March 16.

Trumpf! is too busy to attend any more Republican debates. Meanwhile a poll of Republican voters from the 5 states that voted on Tuesday revealed:

About two-thirds of Republican primary voters in all five states voting Tuesday support temporarily banning non-citizen Muslims from entering the United States, but majorities in all five say they want immigrants already in the United States illegally to be allowed a chance to stay.

To put this in perspective, overt official religious discrimination is just fine with the Republican base. They want a law that bans people from entering this country based on their religious beliefs. This despite a constitution that clearly makes such a law unconstitutional.

MLB won't suspend Dodgers' Yasiel Puig. Despite violating baseball's rule against unpronounceable names, authorities have decided to not suspend Puig. Oh wait, no, Puig it seems beat up his sister in a bar brawl and baseball is following in the path laid out by the NFL in basically deciding to do nothing about their roid-rage domestic abuser problem. Go ahead big guy, beat up women all you like, show us what a man you are.

Here's how f'd up it really is Thursday, March 17.

This is an actual headline from the Washington Post:

Conservatives plot Trump demise as he eyes Arizona win.

TRUMPF!, the nasty fake strong man currently sweeping through the Republican primaries, is unacceptable to the right wing Republican establishment, because he isn't far enough over on the right. Is the problem that TRUMPF is a racist? Is the problem that TRUMPF urges his followers to commit acts of violence? Is the problem that this idiot would be in charge of nuclear weapons? No, TRUMPF is too moderate and he is not a batshit loony christian.

Non-TRUMPF!-News. The Kurdish regions of northern Syria are forming a federation which will likely declare formal independence from Syria and will probably also join with the de-facto Kurdish state in Northern Iraq, all of which is anathema to Turkey, our dubious Nato partner in the region. The Kurds have been trying to form a Kurdish state since the collapse of the Ottoman empire at the end of WWI.

Orca Friday, March 18.

Seaworld, the Guantanamo prison for Orcas, has announced that it will no longer torture and kill Orcas as an amusement park attraction. Other sentient creatures were not spared.

Scientist have discovered that early homo sapiens had sex with any creature that was even remotely human. This doesn't of course limit human sexuality to "remotely human", it is just that sex with other species doesn't show up in the dna record.

Infuriated with the South China Sea, North Korea attacked it with a missile.

Pervez Musharraf, the former dictator of Pakistan, on trial in Pakistan for murder and treason, has flown to Dubai for medical treatment. His doctors have stated that he will need extended therapy for a critically fragile neck that could fatally break if stretched by a rope.

Turkey has announced that the proposed bribe from the EU to keep those awful refugees in horrible conditions in Turkey is insufficient and a much bigger bribe is needed.

Who's buried in King Tut's Tomb? it turns out it might not be King Tut. Archaeologists using new radar scanning techniques have discovered that there are at least two secret rooms in the tomb, both unexplored.

Saturday March 19

Everywhere Trump goes he is met by protests. Trump supporters continue to attack protesters and Trump, in true abuser fashion, blames the victims of these attacks for putting their faces in the way of people exercising their right to swing their fists.

Over in Europe the EU has upped its bribe to Turkey and the Turks have agreed to corral the refugees from the debacle in the middle east in Turkey, likely in the same horrendous border region refugee camps these people are fleeing from. They will now have no chance of reaching countries with functional economies that could readily absorb and integrate them. Instead they are quite likely to become a permanent refugee population, much like the Palestinian populations in the refugee camps in Lebanon and Jordan. Well done Europe! Of course the United States, which clearly caused the debacle that continues to unfold in the region and the inevitable refugee crisis that is part of it, is essentially taking no responsibility at all for this mess, taking fewer than 15,000 refugees and taking years to do even that.

Belgian police captured one of the terrorists involved in the November 13 attack in Paris. He will likely be extradited to Paris where he will be charged with actual crimes and face actual criminal proceedings, a process that continues to mystify US authorities regarding how to deal with people who commit acts of terrorism.

President Obama is continuing to try to find some mechanism to deal with the prisoners held at the Guantanamo Torture and Kidnap Center, many of whom have been there for 14 years without any charges filed against them, many of whom after numerous reviews, can't have charges filed against them basically because they haven't done anything criminal.

Sanders supporters everywhere are having a cry. Meanwhile our hero carries on, gesturing too much, spitting a bit while he tells the truth about what a shitty corrupt system we live in, boldly proposing simple programs that would transform our society, and having more than half of Democratic voters demonstrate that they are too scared to try and change the world. We rats are with you Bernie!

Republican "moderates" ( and that term now seems to only mean a bat shit crazy rightwing nutjob who doesn't think the Mexicans will pay for the giant wall we of course have to build) realized on Friday that their NOT_TRUMPF! Kasich actually cannot be nominated, so they are refocusing on the massively unpleasant bat shit nutjob rightwing loon Ted Cruz as their new standard bearer. Vermin Note: try to keep your NOT_TRUMPF! for at least one weeks worth of news. Changing horses too often makes it very difficult for us media folks to present a convincing narrative for youse guys. It is almost as if YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO STOP YOUR LITTLE MONSTER TRUMPF!

Sunday March 20 - Vernal Equinox!

For the first time in 90 years a US President has visited Cuba. President Obama and his family arrived in Havana Cuba today, heralding the end of more than 50 years of US hostility towards the tiny island nation.