My boyfriend insisted a gun would keep us “safer” up until the day he shot me in the face

[kpete]

This discussion thread was locked as off-topic by NH Ethylene (a host of the General Discussion forum).

I turned to shield my face and felt one bullet pierce my right arm. The second one tore through my jaw.

...........


.............. He was charming and handsome. I was also attracted to his intelligence—we talked in a deep, philosophical way that first night. He lived in Utah and was just visiting, so I spent the next few days taking him to a local oyster festival and my favorite beaches. He told me a bit about his life: half-Samoan, he was born in Pago Pago, the capital of American Samoa, but was raised a Mormon in California and Hawaii before going to Brigham Young University. He had worked in IT, but when we met, he was looking for new opportunities. We stayed in touch, and “officially” started dating in July when he invited me to Utah. It was on that trip, barreling down the highway in his diesel pickup, when he told me he had a concealed carry license. His gun, he said, was in the console.

I got goosebumps. My uncle killed himself with a gun when I was 9, so I’ve always been scared of them. I told him that story, but he reassured me that he had been extensively trained, and that his gun was for our protection. “This will keep us safer,” he promised.

I didn’t think about the gun during those early months—not until we went to Las Vegas for a tattoo convention slated to happen in early October. He got a penthouse room and made dinner plans, but then we saw on the news that a tsunami had hit Pago Pago. He got upset. We went out for dinner, but I left in tears before the food was even served because he’d started arguing with me. He said that he liked to debate and I shouldn’t engage in political discourse with him if I couldn’t “handle it.”

Back in our hotel room, he continued to rant. He seemed unhinged—and I was hungry. When I asked if he wanted to get something to eat, he flipped out. “How could you be so selfish?” he screamed. Then he grabbed his gun—he always carried it on him—and started pacing the room again, berating me. He never pointed it at me, but I was scared. I finally left the room to get dinner on my own and calm down. I kept reassuring myself: He would never hurt me.



the rest of this horrible story here:
http://qz.com/688447/my-boyfriend-insisted-a-gun-would-keep-us-safer-up-until-the-day-he-shot-me-in-the-face/

[rjsquirrel]

1. Women especially

need to avoid men who carry guns. The odds of it being used on you as a woman partner of a violent man are just way too high.

Ironically many men carry guns because it makes them feel sexually powerful when deep down they have major inadequaxy about their masculinity and a hatred of women.

Be a real shame if the gun nut boys couldn't get laid.

[w4rma]

2. I agree. Someone who carries a gun on their person, all the time, is either paranoid or involved in

things that they shouldn't be involved in - in the vast majority of cases.

Lock that gun up and only pull it out when needed or to practice.

[malaise]

9. One of my campus friends wanted us to have a relationship

He knew I loved running and jogging and would pick me up. Then one morning he told me that he goes nowhere without his weapon. We're still acquaintances, but that was my last outing with him.

In this lady's case, the abuse was obvious - if you don't value yourself the same or more than you love anyone else, you have baggage. For me, the key part of her story was that she didn't trust her own mother and thought her mom's prescient observations were an attempt to destroy her happiness.

Decades ago a man I was dating asked my father if he could marry me when he had never asked my feelings on the matter. My father told him he'd better find someone else because I'd be very annoyed that he hadn't asked me first.

Clearly she had a bad relationship with her mother. Many times I was pissed with my mom (and dad) for observations they made about me and those around me - but I always heard what they said, parked it in my brain and paid attention.

This is a really sad story, but there was no way I was letting him into my life once, let alone several times - and she married this fugging loser?

[linuxman]

12. My poor wife. I had no idea how much I've been endangering her all these years.

I'll toss out thise nasty little death rays as soon as I get home. The house won't be gun free or anything though, as my wife will probably keep hers, along with her concealed carry permit.



What is it with sex and controllers? Seriously. If I thought about genitals and sex as much as the controllers, I'd be me at 13 again.

[Marengo]

29. Why is it you have guns, and how many?

[stone space]

3. Drunk driving, hit and run, with a gun, so of course, they gave him his gun back.

We stayed in touch, and “officially” started dating in July when he invited me to Utah. It was on that trip, barreling down the highway in his diesel pickup, when he told me he had a concealed carry license. His gun, he said, was in the console.

I booked my flight to Vegas. His cousin picked me up at the airport and told me that Kenny was being charged with a DUI and a hit-and-run. I felt betrayed—why didn’t he tell me about the hit and run?


When I picked him up at the precinct in Vegas, he was so happy to see me. As he wrapped his arms around me, I noticed he had a Ziploc bag with all his belongings, including his Kimber .45. I tensed up. He may have sensed this because he quickly slipped it into his coat pocket.

[HughBeaumont]

4. Controlling, gun nut and "teh Jesus" . . . three of the biggest "run the fuck away" red flags.

Of course, with these types of men, those traits are sat on and hatched right after they got their prey. It's really a "no-win" anymore . . . you just don't know what type of fucko you're going to get until it's too late.

And police do absolutely fuck all about DV.

[Protalker]

5. As Marco would say.

The bigger the gun the smaller the hands.

[Javaman]

6. that guy sounded like he had major mental problems...

amazing how he was still able to get a gun.

from a guy's point of view, I was also in an abusive relationship. She was a major control freak and abused me mentally.

I still loved her, even though she made me feel like crap most of the time.

It finally ended when I found out she was sleeping around and one of her "boyfriends" (he was a moron) called me to get away from HIS girlfriend.

I confronted her and, of course, she denied everything.

years later and many many therapy sessions, I look back at that time and think about this old song by Mildred Bailey, "Everyone's wrong but me".

Everyone's saying you'll break my heart
But I just can't agree
'Cause I love you
Everyone's wrong but me

I keep repeating we'll never part
They tell me wait and see
Still, I love you
Everyone's wrong but me

Till the end of time
This much I know is true
Till the end of time
I'll go on loving you, only you

Tell them you love me right from the start
And when they disagree
Just you tell them
Everyone was wrong but me

'Cause I love you
Everyone's wrong but me
Oh, still, I love you
Everyone's wrong but me

Tell them you love me right from the start
And when they disagree
Just you tell them
Everyone was wrong but me

And when they disagree
And when they disagree
Just tell them
That everyone's wrong but me

[ileus]

7. My DW carries her own 642.

[smirkymonkey]

8. I will never date someone who owns a gun.

Period.

[malaise]

10. That freaking simple n/t

[MillennialDem]

17. Same n/t

[Kang Colby]

11. What a sad and horrific story.

I feel for her. She must have felt trapped in that toxic relationship. The fact that early on he made threats with a gun should have been an indicator to GTFO and call law enforcement. Then he kidnapped her and beat her up. Then he committed a hit and run while drunk...all while not being able to hold a job or pay his own bills, surviving only by freeloading off of his girlfriend. And then finally he shot her. What a violent loser.

There are 80 million gun owners in this country, and very, very, few are like this violent scumbag loser.

[stone space]

15. ...with a gun, even. I wonder why the cops gave him his gun back in a plastic baggie.

Then he committed a hit and run while drunk...

What could they possibly have been thinking?



That's the same damn thing that they did with Zimmerman!

[Kang Colby]

16. I agree, stone space.

If someone is charged with a hit and run DUI, while carrying a firearm....they should not be getting their firearm back unless they are found not guilty. The guy was committing a crime while carrying a gun.

[Iggo]

13. Gunfuckers gonna gunfuck.

Somebody tells you THEY own a gun to protect YOU, you better run.

[Brickbat]

14. Yeah, I don't think not having a gun would have made this guy boyfriend material.

[MillennialDem]

18. Und? She would have had bruises, not bullet holes in her jaw and arm

[Brickbat]

19. Or more than bruises.

[MillennialDem]

20. Le sigh. Expedience for the sake of argument. She may have had bruises. Maybe broken bones. Maybe

he kills her with his bare hands or kills her with a kitchen knife.

Or maybe he just got angry and kicked a hole in the drywall on the way out but didn't lay a finger on her or the cat.

Point being, the odds are she would be better off than she is right now.

[freeplessinseattle]

28. I am positive I wouldn't be alive now if my ex had a gun

Still get wretched migraines aggravated by the times he strangled me to nearly unconsciousness, but I lived to tell the tale.

It's like he came to his senses in the middle of his rage, plus I was struggling all I could manage, or maybe he just wanted to scare me.

Let me tell you though, it felt like an eternity, but was probably only a couple minutes-but would have only taken a few seconds with a gun.

[Marengo]

31. Of course, because no one has ever used any other weapon to kill...

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/jealous-boyfriend-who-savagely-stabbed-7178564

[MillennialDem]

34. No shit sherlock... people can kill and maim without guns - they're just less likely to. Fists

don't injure people as badly, and knives do hurt as badly, but you need to be up close.

A lot more people are likely when they have a gun to blast away rather than deal with grabbing a knife from the kitchen and stabby stab.

[TrappedInUtah]

21. Guy sounds mentally ill

Last edited Mon May 23, 2016, 01:15 PM - Edit history (1)

Another case for keeping guns away from the mentally ill. Women also need to be better about leaving clearly abusive men. If a guy seems like a total basket case, has volatile mood issues and is emotionally/physically abusive it's time to leave him.

[Major Nikon]

30. All of us are subject to our emotional side overtaking the rational side

Just because someone does something completely irrational, doesn't mean they are mentally ill, nor does it mean anyone is anymore prone to this behavior than anyone else.

[tblue37]

22. After she flies out to Vegas on her own dime to bail him out, because he was

arrested on the DUI charge after storming off in a rage during his first meeting with her family, he imprisons her in his cousin's house for 4 days, not letting her use the bathroom or eat until he decides she can, saying he is only starving her to help her lose weight. (What was the favor he was doing for her by not letting her pee when she needed to?) Nor did he allow her to sleep, because falling asleep was "selfish" of her.

Then when she finally escapes--2 days after he caught her during her first escape attempt--she still can't stop missing him.

She says she didn't even realize she was in an abusive relationship until some months after the shooting (even though before shooting her and doing his best to kill her, he had already killed her poor little cat!). When the cops came after she was shot that night, she told them they had not been fighting--probably because she actually hadn't been fighting or arguing with him. He had been ranting at her, but that was simply "his way," something she had gotten so used to that it didn't even register with her as "fighting." Even though he had thrown her cat against the wall and then had killed the poor creature after she left the room, she still didn't realize that a "fight" was going on between them before he came after her with his gun.

Meanwhile, I received the police report of the shooting. I was amazed to see that I told police that we had not been fighting that night. In the months that followed, I learned that I was in an abusive relationship.

And then, even after he was convicted and jailed and she had undergone more than $750,000 worth of reconstructive surgeries and other kinds of therapies and treatments, she "secretly . . . still struggled with {her} romantic feelings—they didn’t just vanish after he left {her} for dead. {She} still wrestle{s} with that."

I don't know whether all, or even most, women who end up in such relationships are vulnerable to them because they have been damaged in some way by their childhood. I guess that in a way, most people are damaged by their childhood experiences, either by family dysfunction or by toxic influences in the culture itself. Certainly a lot of powerful influences operate in society to convince young women that they can be validated only by a romantic relationship, and that the "hotter" the man, the more being with him validates them. I have known young women from loving, supportive families who feel they absolutely must have a boyfriend (and eventually a husband), and who feel embarrassed and unworthy if they can't find a man and close the deal.

I suspect, though, that there must be an evolutionary component to the way for many women all instinct for self preservation is suppressed during such a relationship. I am not referring to the fact that many stay because they have no place to go and no financial resources to enable them to escape. Nor am I referring to those who stay because of fear (for themselves, for kids, for friends and family) because they realize that if they leave he is even more likely to kill them and those they love. By now most of us know that the time when the abuse is most likely to turn lethal is during the woman's attempt to get out of the relationship, but I think even those who haven't heard or read such information nevertheless realize that reality at some level.

But this woman (and so many others) stay in or return to a relationship even after the abuse has become undeniable, even when they do have a place to go and people to turn to, and the way they still can't stop loving and missing the man who has abused them (and perhaps beloved children and/or pets as well--remember, he had abused and then killed her cat and shot her, but she stll couldn't shake off her "romantic feelings" for him!).

And then there are those who stay with a man who abuses or even kills their children, even trying to help the man escape punishment for doing so.

I have wondered whether there might be some sort of chemical--i.e., hormonal--influence involved, one that affects some women much more powerfully than others. Pregnancy and childbirth/nursing hormones powerfully focus most women's attention and love on their child, even suppressing their own survival instinct if their child needs them to risk their life, yet that effect is much stronger in some women than in others, and some women seem not to be at all, or only slightly, susceptible, to the effect of those hormones.

We know that that oxytocin, one of the hormones that helps a mother bond to her infant, is also released during orgasm, and that other hormones are involved in attraction/attachment/mate bonding, just as others are involved in pregnancy and childbirth (and nursing). We also know that finding and forming a strong attachment to a male that can protect and provide during a woman's pregnancy and during the long years of the child's dependency would have increased most women's reproductive success during the long span when our species was evolving, making sure that the genes of women who bonded with provider males would have a better chance of getting into subsequent generations. Even when some females ended up powerfully bonded to dangerous males who did not enhance their reproductive success, either because they killed the woman or they killed some or all of the woman's offspring, nevertheless, on the whole--i.e., for most women and for the species in general--the powerful drive to form a strong bond with a protector/provider male would have increased reproductive success, so the (dangerous and potentially lethal) extremes of such bonding instincts would not get weeded out of the gene pool.

A lot of toxic, even lethal, effects can be attached to genes that get passed along to subsequent generations as long as those genes have overall a positive impact on survival and reproductive success. Take, for example, sickle cell anemia. Those genes persisted because in general the protection they provided in areas where malaria was pervasive outweighed the sometimes lethal effects produced by not eliminating them from the gene pool.

I know this is a too long exploration of the topic, but I cannot help thinking about the fact that for some women the deep attachment to an abuser remains even after they are safe from the abuser, even after he has done such things as this man did all through their relationship, not just at the end when he killed her cat and tried to kill her. Sure, for many women the abuse is not evident until they are trapped, and a dysfunctional childhood environment leaves many women unable to imagine themselves in a relationship that doesn't involve being abused. But that doesn't explain the way some women cannot emotionally disengage from an abuser no matter how obvious and extreme the abuse is, even when they have been safely extricated from the relationship and even when they were not made particularly vulnerable to abuse because of having been shaped through childhood by toxic influences.

[TrappedInUtah]

26. indeed

As I guy I really struggle to figure out why women will stay with such vile partners. There are plenty of decent men out there. Staying with a supreme creep out of fear or coercion is understandable, but many times women will stay in abusive relationships because they still "see good in him' or worry about 'how he'll manage without her'. Probably it's a combination of hormones, genetics and abuse during childhood.

[Blue_Tires]

32. Sociopaths know how to turn on the charm when they need to...

[raccoon]

23. A sad story. I seriously hope this young woman gets the help she needs. nt

[cali]

24. This is a terrible story but boy, did it need an editor

I was putting on makeup in the bathroom when I heard rustling in the bedroom. I went to see what was happening just as Kenny flung Raja, my cat, against the wall. I went to get him a glass of water and as I walked back into the room, I saw him loading his Kimber .45.

I turned to shield my face and felt one bullet pierce my right arm. The second one tore through my jaw. “What are you doing?” I asked alarmed.

“I need to go out,” he said. His eyes were vacant and far away. Then he said, “I just killed your cat.”

I was overcome with chills. “I can’t be with someone who would do that,” I stammered, fighting back tears.
“You can’t be with me?” he said it again, with a crazed look in his eyes.

“No.” I said.

That’s when he lunged for the door. I tried to stop him, and then he pulled out his gun.

Shots rang out and the kitchen door window shattered as I crouched and covered my ears. Then he aimed the gun at me. I turned to shield my face and felt one bullet pierce my right arm. The second one tore through my jaw.

I went into the living room to find my phone and saw a gaping hole in my forearm. Then I saw the trail of blood reaching from the kitchen to the couch. When I screamed for help, and along with my cries, blood, teeth, and tissue came out of my mouth.

<snip>

[leftyladyfrommo]

25. Home is the most dangerous place

For women.

Such a sad testament to our times.

[CompanyFirstSergeant]

27. My wife....

...tells me that she only feels 'perfectly safe' while at home.

Let's not paint with such a wide brush.

Thank you.

[Eleanors38]

33. Oh! Another Guns Discussion. Please, mods, give a timeline for special dispensations.

Thanks in advance.

[Chemisse]

35. Locking

Please post this in one of the Guns groups.


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Local stories about gun crime and "gun porn" threads showing pictures of guns or discussing the merits of various firearms are not permitted under normal circumstances and should be posted in the Gun Control and RKBA Group.

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