My daughter will spend Father's Day with the man who gave her her curly hair. (Update post #30)

[Ms. Toad]

Last edited Mon Jun 20, 2016, 05:29 AM - Edit history (1)

Sunday will be a day I don't even have words for, and one we had given up on ever seeing.

Nearly twenty-seven years ago, in the first few days of November, we made our 4th and final attempt at donor insemination; one last try we begged our doctors for, since they wanted to stop out of a concern that an earlier illness had left me infertile. We wrestled with the DI requirements that selected a donor by matching my wife's characteristics or, as a fall-back, mine so we could pretend that she was our biological child (as two women, right ). More significantly that they required us to sign away our daughter's right to ever know her biological heritage. The rules echo the adoption protocols from a few decades earlier, in which the biological families of adopted children were routinely erased.

Our 26 year old daughter has always wondered about where she came from, and we have done what we could over the years to help her find her donor. But we ran into a series of carefully crafted, as well as accidental, roadblocks that seemed to make the task impossible.

But in the wee hours of Easter morning this year, my daughter emerged from her room, plopped her computer on my lap, and said, "Look at this Mommy!" One of the genetic genealogy services had matched her with her donor. The genetic match was nearly 50% (parent-child matches are approximately 50% with each parent), so there is little doubt about the validity of the match. It took less than 5 minutes to find him on social media - and confirm he had been in the right place at the right time, and that he had the ethnic heritage we strongly suspected (based on her chronic illnesses - and on the attempted match to the country of origin for my wife's family). Since then we have confirmed that he donated to the sperm bank we used - and has a daughter who, from pictures, looks remarkably like our daughter.

So, on Father's Day, our daughter will meet, and spend the day with, her donor(?), biological father (?), as well as half bio-siblings (?), step-bio-mom(?), cousins, grandfather, aunts & uncles etc. She will start the process of acquainting herself with others who look similar to her, may have mannerisms or facial expressions that are genetically inspired - but who have lived very different lives. Informally, she started referring to him yesterday as "Dad."

Coming, in the wake of Orlando, opening our family (specifically our daughter) to someone who was likely unaware his donation would be used by a lesbian couple (and may not be happy about it), feels a bit less safe than it did a few months ago when the match was made.

Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled for her. But I'm also a bit terrified that it won't go well - or that it will go too well and reinforce her emotional distance from her other mom. Hoping it won't be too overwhelming for her to manage alone (we're not, at this point, invited). Hoping that if "Dad" isn't a good fit, that a new, perhaps not yet envisioned, role will be right. Wondering where we go from here.

And what the heck I call all of these new, not-quite-relatives, anyway?

[elleng]

1. Good luck to ALL!

[Ms. Toad]

6. Thanks! n/t

[JI7]

2. fascinating

I would be interested in reading about how their meeting went if you don't mind posting it after.

[Ms. Toad]

5. I'll post something -

It may be limited or edited a bit, to make sure I'm not revealing too much my daughter (and her new-found relatives) would be uncomfortable about.

[SCantiGOP]

3. What to call them?

Hopefully, soon, you can call them "family."

[Ms. Toad]

4. That would be the best outcome!

We tend to have a pretty expansive definition of family - I hope they do, as well.

[pnwmom]

7. What a complicated mix of feelings you are experiencing today, Ms Toad.

Sending positive thoughts for the best outcome, whatever that may be.

[Ms. Toad]

12. Complicated mix about describes it! n/t

[monmouth4]

8. I have a feeling this is going to turn out so well for all of you. Since "Dad" didn't reject your

daughter (which I understand happens) it sounds as if peace is what he wants. I'm an optimist but feel good for you. Much luck..

[Ms. Toad]

10. I hope so!

We still haven't heard whether he was actively searching for donor kids, as is possible since he contributed DNA to the same service my daughter did. But he saw the match first, and made the initial contact. My daughter had apparently set her account up so that contact was possible, but not quite enough so that she was able to see the match when it came up.

I hadn't even realized the significance of the day when my daughter told me that they had set a meeting up (I tend not to pay a lot of attention to holidays, unless there's a lot of hype in advance of them). So either it was convenient - since all of his (known) children will be gathered together.

Things have been moving slowly so far. I think that's a good sign. Since there has been a fair amount of PR over the years about our family, once they had the name and where we live, they easily learned that there were two moms involved. At least that won't be a surprise tomorrow!

[7962]

20. Why has your family gotten a lot of PR?

Unless its for personal reasons you dont care to reveal, of course.

[Ms. Toad]

21. More than our share of LGBT firsts in our family.

We were the only public same gender parent adoption case in our state for nearly 2 decades (they ruled against us at the appellate level, and the equivalent of a denial of cert by the state Supreme Court - at which point we stopped to avoid making state-wide bad law). That case was a Jane Doe case, to protect our daughter's right to choose how public she wanted to be when she grew up. After the marriage decision last year, we were finally able to create a legal relationship between our daughter and my wife - that was publicized with our names and city.

A bit removed (since it is me, rather than our daughter - but we searched multiple generations of his family . . .), I was also on the founding board for the state Equality organization, an officer (the named public contact) of a North American LGBT faith organization, we were the first same gender marriage in our local faith community (which published a book about the experience a few years ago), I've also blogged about my experiences under my real name, been a public face for LGBT exclusion (by real-name requirements) on a large community discussion board in a major metropolitan area, and have spoken to Family Law classes and in continuing education courses for attorneys on our case.

Plenty out there for anyone to easily find, especially the most recent adoption decision.

[7962]

23. WOW. So you also have a lot of courage! Thank you for the info. nt

[Ms. Toad]

24. Nope. I just do what gets put in front of me.

I'm lucky enough to be in a position where I can be public - when so many people can't. I'm a firm believer that the progress we've made so rapidly the past decade or so is because so many more people now have friends they know are LGBT individuals. I've been sure that would be the case for the nearly 35 years I've been out (my spouse lost one, perhaps 2, jobs - but I've never lost a job or even felt my employment threatened, including when I was a public school teacher in an inner city, predominantly black, high school, where the primary insult was f****t). I find that when people now me, it just doesn't matter. So doing what I have the privilege of being able to do, when others can't, is kind of hard-wired into my DNA (I come from a long line of civil rights/peace activists).

I also have the full support of my family, an employer at the time I was most public who was very supportive (at one point refused to buy health insurance from a company who would not cover my spouse), and a (relatively) new employer who hired me having already known me for nearly 2 decades (so they hired me knowing who I am).

(I do admit to being tired of things landing at my feet, though, and perhaps on this issue they are coming to an end).

[tosh]

9. Wow - thanks for sharing this story!

I have a feeling this meeting will have a positive outcome all the way around.

[Ms. Toad]

11. Keeping my fingers crossed! n/t

[Warpy]

13. Call them by their names

Legal stuff was structured so that donors would remain anonymous and impervious to demands of child support, either monetary or social. Genetic testing has overcome this. One wonders if the donor in question, however, provided a sample because he wanted to meet any of the children he helped create via donation.

She might share DNA with these folks but that's all, really. They're not her family, you are, and the reality check might be a little tough to cash. I hope I'm wrong about that one but I knew a few donors back in the day and remember the paranoia when donation was new.

I think it's remarkably generous of them to meet her. I hope it goes well.

[Ms. Toad]

14. It will be interesting to see where this goes.

The scenario is a bit different than the typical finding a donor father I have mostly run across. (Frankly, I haven't found anyone else who "randomly" donated to the same genetic matching service as their biological parent and found a direct parent-child match. Typically, the donorsiblings find each other and/or piece things together via finding other blood relatives. Dads who don't want to be found typically don't donate - but their kids/parents/siblings who are unaware of what might be uncovered do.)

We don't know why they donated DNA (both husband and wife did). My daughter (wisely) has been letting them call the shots. The only specific request she made was for medical information. They made the initial contact, and they are the ones who suggested s meeting, and then the specific date and circumstances for the meeting, so it is something other than generosity at work here.

As to financial support, if anything, I'm far more concerned that they may attempt to buy her affection if they don't approve of our family. Lifestyle/money seems to be a key difference between their family and ours.

We'll see - it could go a number of different ways! (And as soon as they reached out to us, we had a frank talk with our daughter about the entire range of possibilities.)

(As background, I grew up in a family with adopted siblings. They have all found their parents and siblings. My brother recently died, and two of the last 3 people to spend time with him were his biological mother and his half-sibling. There's biological family, and true family, and they don't always stay in their own separate boxes. Sometimes that works well - other times it doesn't (or goes back and forth between being fantastic and being barely tolerable). My siblings' experience was part of the conversation with our daughter about the variety of ways this could play out.)

[Warpy]

15. You raised a smart kid

and at 26, she'll be a lot more resistant to being bought.

There might be a little guilt on the part of the donor that he seems to have passed on genetic illness along with curly hair. She needs to be aware of that and not add to it.

[Ms. Toad]

17. Not one, but two illnesses -

and the potential for quite a few more.

But it is a delicate balancing act - since her rare chronic disease is the next big area of research for the specialists in that field. (We participated in an FDA sponsored (first ever) standard setting conference for this disease last spring because the research is expected to take off very quickly.) As a rare disease, there aren't enough people in one geographic location to do the normal double-blind trials for new treatments so, increasingly, researchers rely on nationally (or in this case globally) available databases. There is a current, urgent, need to populate a database (patients and closest blood relatives) that can be accessed by researchers world-wide. But - seeking his participation could (as you point out) increase guilt.

[Hekate]

16. Blessings and the best of luck to all. What a lot of complicated emotions...

First.

All families are complicated, because all families are composed of (gasp) human beings. My daughter's fights with her stepdad growing up were epic, but now they are at peace and she (age 40) has settled on me as the person she is perpetually in opposition to.

Your daughter is, thankfully, old enough to be past the fantasy fairy tale happy ending stage, but we all carry a bit of that in our hearts. She'll meet people who move like she does and have other traits in common, including sometimes habits of thought and behavior. They will just have been shaped by a slew of other experiences she can know nothing of until she walks in the door.

May she be greeted with open arms by these kin, and may she find peace with her other mom who wanted her so much before she was even conceived.

And last.

[Ms. Toad]

18. That captures it pretty much perfectly.

Thanks!

[Ash_F]

19. Amazing story. Thanks.

[smirkymonkey]

22. Best of luck to all of you!

Hope it goes well!

[1monster]

25. You call them family connections... And hope that your daughter forms a warm

friendly relationship with the biological family that you can share.

I've realized in this year that your children can never have too many family connections when my autistic stepson's mother (age 56) died two years after her sister (age 50) did and my sister (age 53) died last month. We believe that we have enough family to help and support if needed, and suddenly, they are gone.

Wishing you all the best and some happy new friendships.

[MADem]

26. You can call them "In laws" -- or, if they have a sense of humor "outlaws!"

Are you able to gauge their level of tolerance by looking at the facebook?

What kind of father, biological or otherwise, is going to reject or dis his own child? I think it will be fine but then again, I tend to think the best of people until I am proven wrong. I can understand your nervousness, though.

I wonder if this guy was a frequent donor? Your daughter could have HUNDREDS of half-siblings all over the country!!!

[Ms. Toad]

28. Nothing that suggests tolerance (or not) on FB.

Some of the things they share raise flags (not from a sense of humor, but from a common sense perspective). I try to keep those to myself, because I want our daughter to go in with an open mind. One is obvious enough that my daughter noticed, though, and commented on it (they favorably cited a website I've told my daughter never to use for medical information). But the wife and daughter also have a lot of common interests with our daughter.

I'm relatively certain there are more half-siblings - whenever I had the opportunity to try to find bits of information I might use later, I did. They had the coded list out when I picked up the donation once and there was at least one other person that day using the same donor. They do make an attempt to limit the number of children created, but there was no systematic means in place to relay successful insemination to them.

She's the first match - but matching would require other children to have decided to search and to choose the same geneological/genetic testing service. No half-siblings have been suggested for our daughter. But yes, there could be quite a few!

[slipslidingaway]

27. Wishing everyone the best possible outcome through a stressful time ...

it will be what will be, you will get through it and you will be loved for your dedication and love.

An armful of strength coming your way.

[Ms. Toad]

29. She's gone for the day!

Work first, then off to the "small" get together, wearing a dress I spent an hour or so prepping for her last night.

If nothing else, it will be an adventure!

[Ms. Toad]

30. So far, so good!

My not-so-little-one returned all smiles after midnight (so they spent about 6 hours together).

No specific plans to meet again, but very likely they will - she seems to have hit it off especially well with the oldest half-sibling, and had a generally good time with everyone. My impression from pictures is correct. Her resemblance to her half-sister is very strong. Not so much to anyone else in the family. Reading between the lines, the half-sister is the least thrilled about it all (or maybe just tired from recent events in her life).

One mystery solved, though - signing up for the genetic registry was not an intentional effort to search for donor-children. (And no other children have popped up. Yet.)

[pnwmom]

31. I'm so happy for both of you that it went as well as it did.

I am close to four adoptees, in three sub-parts of my family, and the son of a friend. One of them has recently met some relatives, and it has been an okay experience. The others haven't met any biological relatives yet and we don't know if they ever will.

Good luck for everything from here on out!