More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Both Sides Do It! Really!!! Edition
Last edited Tue Sep 6, 2016, 04:58 PM - Edit history (1)
So we're over the Conventions and now only two months away from the 2016 election, and according to the media it's a choice between two terrible candidates who both do bad things in equal measure. Let's compare:
Hillary Rodham Clinton (D)
Pros: Knowledgeable, intelligent, experienced, speaks in comprehensible sentences, a proven leader with a track record of helping people.
Cons: Whitewater, even though that was a "scandal" made up by the media. Benghazi, another "scandal" made up by the media. The email thing, even though that was yet another "scandal" made up by the media. Had Vince Foster killed...except she didn't unless you're a guy who wears tin foil on his head. Has a weird cackling laugh. (Okay, I gotta give them that one)
Donald Trump (R)
Pros: Erm...uh...hang on...there's got to be something... Okay, never beat his kids. That we know of. We'll take his word that his tiny tiny hands don't indicate anything else.
Cons: Racist. Sexist. Islamophobe. Thin skinned bully who'd probably nuke a world leader who made fun of his tiny tiny hands on Twitter. Can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he is. Wants to bang his own daughter. Beloved by the KKK, Breitbart, and other white supremacists. Beloved by Alex Jones and other guys who wear tin foil on their heads.
Yeah...this is such a difficult choice... 
(No. 24 in a series)
I got to update this one just a day after the last list was released:
* Barack Obama is a horrible tyrant, and the only way to save our country is to vote for a man who admires Vladimir Putin, Kim Jung Un, and Saddam Hussein.
More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* High Scandal: Secretary of State Clinton (D) using private email
Not A Scandal: Secretary of State Rice (R) using private email
Not A Scandal: Secretary of State Powell (R) using private email
Not A Scandal: Karl Rove (R) erasing millions of Cheney/Bush (R) Administration emails
* Appropriate reaction to the massacre of 49 innocent LGBT Americans: Make it easier to discriminate against innocent LGBT Americans.
* There's no conflict of interest if a news commentator is still being paid by the Republican Presidential candidate he previously worked for.
* Water pistols, toy guns, tennis balls, and canned goods are all far more dangerous than AR-15s.
* Strong decision making: wanting to take back your own Vice Presidential pick.
* A man who's family is involved in a $250 million tax dodge scheme has the right to call another candidate "crooked" with a straight face.
* It's Hillary Clinton's fault that Melania Trump plagiarized one of Michelle Obama's speeches.
Or
* It's Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony's fault that Melania Trump plagiarized one of Michelle Obama's speeches.
* You scream about "criminalizing politics" every time a Republican gets caught doing something crooked, but want to throw Hillary Clinton in prison just because you don't like her.
Oh wait, no...I got that wrong...
* You scream about "criminalizing politics" every time a Republican gets caught doing something crooked, but want Hillary Clinton SHOT just because you don't like her.
* "Vote your conscience" = it won't count unless it's a vote for Donald Trump.
* You thought Barack Obama was a thin-skinned narcicist with no governing experience, and are a supporter of Donald Trump.
* You're not a white supremacist--you just want African-Americans, Hispanics and Jews removed from the United States.
Practically verbatim from DailyKos's Laura Clawson:
* "Social order" = The police get to kill whoever they want without protest, dammit!!!
* You "don't think name calling has any place in public life". You're the running mate of Donald Trump.
* You've spent the last eight years insisting Barack Obama wasn't really born here and he should produce his birth certificate (even after he did) but are enraged that Melania Trump's immigration status is being questioned.
* You like Trump because he "says what he means". But he didn't mean it when he said he wanted Hillary Clinton assassinated.
* Health emergency that justified Congressional action: a brain-dead woman who's husband wants to let her pass peacefully. Health emergency that does not justify Congressional action: an epidemic that may have infected more than 7000 people and leads to the birth of deformed babies.
* In 2001, the United States went into Afghanistan on the orders of an Illinois State Senator and the junior United States Senator from New York.
Practically verbatim from DU user Yallow:
* You take $900 million from the Koch brothers, then complain about donations to a real charity.
* A guy who has five children with three different women has the moral authority to criticize someone else's "broken homes' (Daniel Dale on Twitter)
* "The Best People": A guy who has been accused of domestic violence and vote fraud, and currently runs a white supremacist web site; a guy who wants Hillary Clinton shot for treason; a veteran of Bridgegate; a convicted financial criminal connected to the Russian mob; and a slavery denier.
* Important story: Is the Clinton Foundation corrupt, even though there has been no evidence that it is?
Not Important Story: The Trump Foundation, which has already been found trying to bribe public officials. Which is, you know, textbook corruption.
* Taco trucks are a threat to the American way of life.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Trump is a walking "dumpster fire" who says outrageous and inappropriate things that would disqualify almost any other politician and most polls show Hillary comfortably leading in the polls but then the news media keeps talking about (hoping for?) Trump to "pivot" and become a more moderate or at least "mainstream" Republican candidate but then he doesn't but then they keep the Hillary e-mail "scandal" alive even though nothing new is really coming out of it, they keep pushing insinuations about the Clinton Foundation even though nothing is really coming out of that either and then, "ZOMG, the polls are tightening!" even when they've barely moved (if at all). I just don't know what to think day by day. I hear worry around here that maybe Hillary isn't doing enough or isn't visible enough even though we just got through Labor Day, which is the point at which most people will start really paying attention and Trump keeps basically destroying himself politically and actually has no actual "ground game". Polling wise, the only thing that is making the polling seem "tight" between Hillary and Donald are the third-party candidates, especially Johnson.
