Odd request, but need info. Does anyone here work at a funeral home?

[phylny]

If so, please respond or DM me. I have a serious question after going to a viewing yesterday. I'm disturbed and need an answer. Thanks so much.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

1. I'm curious to know what it was that bothered you.

I don't work in a funeral home, so I probably couldn't answer your question. Do you feel as if you can share?

[phylny]

5. Well, I don't want to upset anyone.

If you don't want to know, or if you're easily upset by accidents and death and funeral home talk, please don't read.




A young mother and her two-year-old that I knew were killed in a horrific car accident near here - veered off the road to the right, over-corrected, hit an oncoming car, and flipped. I went to the viewing yesterday. I anticipated a closed casket. As I walked in, I saw the casket and I thought it was closed. Then I got a bit closer and thought there were flowers inside the casket. THEN I looked again and thought, "Oh, they have mannequins posing as mother and child." THEN I REALIZED it was the woman and her child in the casket. They looked unlike any corpses I'd seen. They looked utterly fake - eerily so, and I can't figure out why. I wondered if and how reconstruction is done - was it just really incredibly heavy make up, do they put plaster on their faces, wax? Did they both have wigs on? I've seen my share of bodies in caskets, but I've never seen anything like it and it is really bothering me.

I mean...the car accident was really bad and I assume the mom was crushed, by seeing the aftermath. The little girl was in the back seat and I don't know how she died, if she was crushed or her neck broke. I just want to know what might have been done.

[Warpy]

9. They use a special putty, wax, and even plaster to fill in wounds

and apply makeup over it all in order to make the deceased look as they did as much as possible for the people who come to say goodbye. Notice I didn't say "lifelike." That is beyond even the most talented funeral home restoration technician.

My maternal grandmother dropped dead in the middle of a shopping spree, so all she had was makeup. My greatest memory is of my mother getting close to the coffin and hissing "she looks like a streetwalker!" I was seven and didn't know what a streetwalker was, so I filed it away for future reference and got a laugh out of it when I was ten.

Most people find the appearance of the deceased a little jarring but the families often insist on open caskets. My parents spared me and opted for cremation. I am grateful.

[phylny]

20. Thank you. n/t

[JackintheGreen]

26. Just confirming Warpy

Married into a family of morticians. The choice of open/vs. closed is the family's (at least in my state), and morticians do their best to make open casket viewings...well, viewable. Depending on the condition of the deceased, though, such choices can be difficult.

[sarisataka]

13. I am so sorry for your loss

Try to take comfort in knowing that, no matter what your beliefs may be of what awaits us at the end of our life, the remains you saw were no longer the people you knew. They were gone.

What was truly important was your presence, helping the family know but their loss is shared amongst others and the memory of their loved ones lives on.

[phylny]

17. Thank you.

As I told a co-worker, this isn't my tragedy - I worked with the little girl and her mom and I recognize that while I'm sad, I'm really not the one suffering. The little girl was quite a character, though The family members are beside themselves, as you can imagine. I mostly played the "what if" game in my head: What if she didn't have to work the early shift, what if someone else dropped the little girl off at daycare, etc.

I simply could not comprehend what I was seeing. I didn't look too closely because I didn't want to seem as though I was scrutinizing them. I am mostly searching for answers. I feel unsettled by the entire thing.

[jberryhill]

15. That's normal for the circumstances

The general idea is to create a "memory picture" of the departed in peaceful repose.

Yes, the circumstances of death may be such that without a lot of work, the departed are not going to look as if they are peacefully reposing.

Any corpse needs significant cosmetic work in the first place, since it's not as if one's skin retains its color among other post mortem changes. One of the reasons why an ME can just look at a corpse and get a rough idea of how long they've been dead is by the rate at which blood pools in whatever part of the body is the lowest, and how much has drained away from the highest. If you die sitting in a chair, your face does not look good if you stay there a few hours.

If someone has seen a particularly dramatic end, involving serious injury, fire, or other physical impacts, then it's not as if there is some black line between going open casket or closed casket. It's a matter of how much sculpting, filling, and reconstruction is going to have to be done - essentially the same work done by wax museum sculptors and decorators.

In circumstances where you are attending the funeral of someone who has met a violent end, such as a car crash, it is advisable not to inspect the work too closely, but to take the longer view of the casket, the flowers... the larger picture.

I too have attended the funeral of a close friend who was hit full on by a truck while crossing the street. Yes, if you looked closely, you could see things that were not covered up quite so well, but there are variations in talent, cost, etc..

[phylny]

18. Thank you. n/t

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

19. Thank you for sharing.

I personally feel very strongly about open caskets. I don't think anyone should have them. A dead person does not look at all like the living person, and I want to remember someone as they were in life.

I've heard so many stories from people who as children were obligated to kiss grandma goodbye, when grandma was in the casket, had nightmares for years about it, and then, inexplicably to my way of thinking, inflicted the exact same trauma on their own young children.

[phylny]

21. There were two children there, and I flinched seeing them.

This whole affair makes me think I want to talk to our children - I don't want to be cremated, but I'd like to skip the open casket. Having to see my mother in a casket (and granted, I was 30!) makes me not want my kids to see me at all once I'm dead.

[jberryhill]

22. Have you ever priced things out?

Absent pre-planning, those left behind are confronted with a dazzling array of options for which most people don't have a cost reference.

For example, what would you plan to spend on one of your children's weddings? How about you have to have that wedding next week? And how about once you pick a reception hall, then you are locked in to also getting everything else from that sole vendor.

Like anything else, it's a business, and there are varying degrees of ambition among people in that business.

But the dynamics are not good. If you walk onto a car lot, you might or might not buy a car. If you have a deceased person for whom you are responsible, you are definitely buying a funeral, and time is not on your side. You are not in the best emotional condition, and you are going to be in the company of someone who is trying to run a business.

Now, I'm not saying that all funeral directors are crooked or exploitative. But there are a lot of upsells to be had, and you are not going to do a week of interviews to pick one. The hospital morgue is not like a public storage locker.

You could say, "Well, I'll think about then when I'm ready to die." That would be great if you knew when that was going to be.

But the best thing you can do for your kids is to look into pre-planning. Then, whatever happens, they can mourn the loss of you without the pitfalls of suddenly becoming consumers in what can be a tricky market.

Every dime spent on your final arrangement is a dime you are not leaving to your kids. If you can, collectively, drop ten G's and up at the drop of a hat and not miss it, then you are good to go. But imagine how much nicer it would be for them if it was set and ready to go.

Just my two cents.

[Mariana]

25. Last year my husband had to deal with that

when his mother died suddenly. She hadn't made any arrangements, other than to say "I want to be cremated" to everyone at one point or another, and my FIL had no idea what to do. Money was tight and I advised my husband to shop around for price. He thought I was being foolish, that they would all be about the same, but in fact the price varied a great deal at different funeral homes for the exact same service. He saved a lot of money by getting several quotes.

My parents have arranged to be transported, cremated and poured into the Gulf of Mexico. A lot of their friends have done the same. They all call it the Bake and Shake plan.

[LeftyMom]

28. Twice I've had a hospital or hospice social worker suggest a funeral home.

Both times I've had experiences that are as good as can be expected, with good explanations, no upselling pressure or guilt trips, reasonable prices, etc.

I don't know if that always works, but it stands to reason that people who deal with death all day long know who the honest professionals are.

[underahedgerow]

30. You've said a lot of important things.... This is a topic we don't like to think about, isn't it?

I'm sort of going through it with my friend, who died suddenly, in perfect health, age 51. Heart attack, an undetectable thickening of the heart muscle, and bam.

We spent 10 days looking for his next of kin, who turned out to be a cousin. He has no plan in place, and now, even though his friends ARE his family, this cousin is the one who gets to make all the decisions, taking that power away from the people who were actually his family, who loved him.

It's never too soon to discuss and make a plan in case the inevitable happens.

I'm a huge advocate of cremation, I can't stand the thought of expensive real estate being wasted on a corpse. My daughter is under strict instructions to carry my ashes around the world and leave bits of me in all the places I didn't get to visit. Machu Piccu is one place... Maybe Easter Island. Hawaii.... New Zealand...

[jberryhill]

24. Wow

Is that a common practice among some demographic - the kissing thing? I can imagine that may be a custom somewhere, but, wow

My uncle loved cigars. His family had him cremated and at the memorial reception had him in a cigar box on a table surrounded by pictures of him. There was one late arriving guest who (a) did not know he had been cremated and (b) became curious in a tactile way about what was in the box on the table. He would have gotten a heck of a laugh out of the reaction to, "Oh, wait, stop, that's Frank!"

[jberryhill]

2. I wouldn't be caught dead in one

[left-of-center2012]

4. good one n/t

[minivan2]

10. Really?!

You're laughing at a joke about a serious issue?

[left-of-center2012]

27. ...

...

[phylny]

6. This isn't a joking matter. Thanks. n/t

[sarisataka]

7. I work at a home

As support, not a funeral director but I can try to answer.
Ask or PM as you wish

[phylny]

8. See my response upthread. Thank you. n/t

[sarisataka]

12. Ah, I see it

Warpy gave a good answer.

A mere 48 hours after a person's passing can already cause noticeable changes in their appearance. A traumatic death such as a car crash can make a reconstruction impossible. The more work it takes two make the person appear normal the more likely it is to fail.

Also the talent of the person doing the Reconstruction is very important. Unfortunately the result can be, as you saw, something that is merely a caricature of the person when they were alive. A good director will try and convince the family to have a closed casket however the decision is ultimately up to the next of kin.

[minivan2]

11. This is not a high school playground people

From what the OP said, they are disturbed by what they saw. Let's all act like adults here.

[sarisataka]

16. People deal with death in many ways

Whether from a lack of understanding, fear of it or just general uncomfort with the thought of their own mortality. Humor is often a refuge for them.

Usually they are not so crass and uncaring to express that humor in the face of a person who is truly grieving. The anonymity of the internet however results in some people acting in ways that they would never let themselves do in real life. Empathy tends to fall to the wayside quickly.

[Buckeye_Democrat]

14. My deceased parents looked "fake" too.

They both died from old age. Guests were polite and commented how they "looked natural," and I played the game of agreeing with them, but they didn't really look much like themselves from when they were alive.

Side story:
I worked with an African American woman with a family member who had passed away not long after my Dad died. She was talking about her family member's funeral and suddenly looked angry before asking me if white people get embalmed too. I kind of chuckled as I told her that white people indeed get embalmed as well! I think she was annoyed by my brief snickering, but she thanked me for the reassurance anyway. This anecdote probably isn't necessary, but it's a memory that immediately popped into my head when I saw your thread title and the other threads here lately.

[milestogo]

23. When someone dies a violent death

either by accident or homicide - I think its better to just remember the person as you knew them. I guess I am thinking more about identifying the body than the wake. I think the police will allow a more distant relation or a dentist to do the identification.

If its a close family member, do you really want to have that image in your head forever?

When I was a child I had a relative die of cancer - she must have been down to 60 lbs. In the coffin she had a beautiful dress and tons of makeup. I remember another relative saying "she looks as beautiful as on her wedding day". Wow, wouldn't you hate to look that ill on your wedding day?!

[underahedgerow]

29. May I gently suggest something?

It's too late. Your beautiful friends are gone, they were treated in the best manner possible considering the circumstances and, well, to be blunt... it's over now. Except for the mourning and your grief.

I would suggest you replace those negative images in your mind with something you loved about them, appreciated about them, their smiles, their characters, and everytime you think of that mind-photo of them in the coffin, shake it off and focus on a pleasant memory of them instead.

Consciously replace the negative image and thoughts with something positive.

It's a psychological technique called reframing, something you have to purposefully enact in your head, and it works.

Much better to focus on what remains of the positive than the negative.

I am so sorry for your loss. It's painful, I know.

[CTyankee]

31. When my niece was killed in a domestic violence instant, I had to talk my brother out of visiting

the scene of her murder (he wanted to see where she last drew breath). I explained that it was now a crime sceneand he simply coulld not go there.

At her funeral my brother insisted on an open coffin to show that her beauty had not suffered. The gunshot wound to her right temple was covered with makeup very deftly. I could only see a shadow of the side of her head where the bullet entered.

[Rhythm]

32. I had a friend who committed suicide by gunshot; i was astonished at the reconstruction

On her 40th birthday, my friend's husband told her that he had been having an affair for a couple of years, and was leaving her soon. She told me about this the next day at work. Asked me if i believed in Heaven and Hell; If i thought there were any 'unpardonable sins'...
(i wish i had read these questions for the signs they were... *tears*)

Two days later, she killed herself in his expensive sports car; a single gunshot to the forehead.

The 'calling hours' at the funeral home were a nightmare... All of their kids were there (boys ages 14, 12, and 9... and their daughter, who was 5), but utterly in shock. Well, except for the oldest son, who was livid with his dad, because the bastard had his girlfriend there. *head explosion*

But still, despite my own grief and anger -- and since i've had friends and relatives in the death-care industry -- when i walked into the room and saw that they'd managed an 'open casket' viewing, i was drawn by morbid fascination to see the end result of the reconstruction artist's work. There was the smallest of indentations still visible in her forehead (probably just the wax settling since preparation), but otherwise, she looked just as she had the last shift we'd worked together. I shook the FD's hand, and asked him to pass along my appreciation to their artist.