Do spouses of pedophiles 'know'?

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

I am wondering if any DUers who are psychologists, psychiatrists or who have had experience with pedophiles can help. Do spouses of pedophiles know what their partners are up to? I can see how a spouse would not know because pedophiles are so adept at creating two separate facades - the public and the very dark private.

But I wonder whether there are some signs - perhaps in the couple's sex life - that may give some hints. I seem to find very little literature about this and, with the Sandusky case ready for final arguments tomorrow, after Sandusky's wife testified in her husband's favor, this has piqued my interest.

In her testimony, Mrs. Sandusky made some remarks about some of the accusers as 'conniving', 'clingy' and 'demanding.' I thought those comments were a bit off, almost what someone would say about a spouse's ex or former lovers. I thought they were awkward comments. After all these were children - many children are conniving, clingy and demanding.

I cannot imagine not knowing something is up with my husband, especially in intimate moments. I'd guess (perhaps wrongly) that sexual intimacy would be affected in some way.

[southernyankeebelle]

1. I don't think it has anything to do with sex in itself. Maybe she didn't know but my

god she had adopted children with him and somehow she might have known. She could of been in denial.

[TheWraith]

2. Some do, some don't.

I suspect Mrs. Sandusky probably did, and either ignored it or pretended to ignorance. Given the scale and constancy of his behavior, it seems hard to imagine she could have missed it.

[SoutherDem]

3. We have all known people who "should" have known something.

Be it child abuse, being cheated on, a crime or whatever.

But, if the children were crying and screaming I doubt it. She also added the conniving, clingy and demanding comments, which to me is a cover up.

[EFerrari]

6. Well, if you take "conniving, clingy and demanding" as projections

that can give you a rough idea of what this lady knew, didn't know and how she responded.

[LiberalLoner]

4. Well, in literature I have read, it is noted very often that spouses support the pedophile over

their own children. In other words calling their own molested children liars despite obvious evidence corroborating their stories.

If that happens, I would suppose a wife could choose her spouse over children who are not hers by birth.

In fact in books I've read, colluding family members are the norm and not the exception.

[Mz Pip]

8. That is often the case

or the spouse will blame the child.

[Happyhippychick]

5. The strongest psychological defense is denial. You can "know" but still not "know".

I know, clear as mud! There are levels of knowing something, those who are capable of denial do so by rationalizing away the evidence. You are correct, her use of the words "conniving" and "clingy" are strange and confirm that she did witness things but explained it away by condemning the character of the children.

I firmly believe that if she knew on any level, denial aside, she should get the same prison sentence as her husband.

[MrScorpio]

7. There no way that they CAN'T know when this guy show up:

[undeterred]

9. Sometimes the spouse is being victimized too.

I had a friend who was sexually abused as a toddler. She did not have memories of it until she was an adult. When she spoke to her mother the truth came out: The father was visiting prostitutes and the wife did not know. She had repeated pelvic infections that ultimately led to a hysterectomy after only one child. His wife refused him sexually. He evidently turned to his own two year old daughter for sex and infected her also. The mother did not catch on until the child became sick. The abuse eventually stopped and they stayed married.

At her wedding her father accidentally referred to her as his bride. I couldn't believe she even allowed him there.

Her father was totally warped and I don't think her mother knew how far from normal he was.

[broiles]

10. selective denial. n/t

[MeNyou]

11. Do spouse of pedophiles know.

Hi, I married to a man with child porn addict. I knew before we got married. I stayed with him. I was willing to support him and encourage him to understand that's wrong and get help n therapy. As I was molested by my father myself, I was thinking to stay with him, giving him the chance to engage a healthy sexual relationship. Then I will be glad to be able to help the man I love. I have 2 children of my own and I have a baby boy with him. He is to good to be true with my children. I believe all women will know and feel if there is any sexual orientation problem with spouse.

The obsession and possesion with children is grater with this kind of guys. I sometimes feel alone and ignored when it comes to his relationship with children. During the married, I believe he was not molested my children or our children. But some of his behavior is still not right.

We are now separated as I got really depressed and he refused to accept me back with him and my children after I went away for two months for recovery. I went through such a horrible mental abuse. I just understand about all of this after I read and read for nearly two years. My two sons are both with him most of the time. I only have them on the weekend. I have my teenager daughter living with me. However, we are still battling with the custody.

After I have more understanding about pedophilia, I then realized, what mistake I have made. But I never regret to have a good intention at the first place. Some women like me did not have full knowledge about it very well. You may think I am dumb and stupid. But I was thinking that giving him love n support to be a better person, giving him a chance to be a proper father and have a solid family will lessen pedophiles in our society.

I was wrong and I feel being punished. I near to lose my boys and my kids. He will fight his hardest to win the full custody. And this is a painful fact for me. I remain strong for my children.