To Donald J. Trump
Donny:
After hearing you state that between 3 and 5 million illegal votes were cast in the last election, I decided to do some research. What I uncovered is shocking, and I thought I should inform you immediately.
According to my sources, the number of illegal votes cast was closer to 8 million. More importantly, said sources have confirmed that roughly 92% of those votes were cast for you.
While that may seem odd on its face, it turns out that millions of illegal aliens cast ballots in your favor, because they were certain that when you said you would be deporting “illegals”, you meant the “other illegals”, not them – in much the same way your supporters thought Obamacare registrants would be losing their insurance, while they could keep their ACA coverage. So you can see how these things happen when “alternate facts” come into play.
This phenomenon also explains the low turnout for your inauguration (I believe the official count is now around 12,290 attendees, am I right?) Apparently millions of your staunchest supporters feared being rounded up and asked about their voting status, and therefore chose not to risk any unpleasantness on your glorious day.
What this means is that you did not lose the popular vote by almost 3 million, as previously reported. If we count the illegal votes cast and discard them as invalid, it means you actually lost the PV by over 10 million votes.
While I am reluctant to reveal my sources for this information, I assure you that they are as unIMPEACHABLE (okay, maybe I could have chosen a less volatile word) as your own. In fact, we’ve undoubtedly pulled our facts from exactly the same place.
As an American citizen, I felt obligated to bring this state of affairs to your attention as soon as possible. I know you have made much of illegal votes having tainted the election, and will undoubtedly want to rectify the situation by declaring the results of the election invalid, and scheduling a do-over vote immediately. Such action will serve to remove the cloud of illegitimacy that currently hangs over your presidency like a dark, looming shadow of death that will haunt you every day, stalking your every move and clinging to you like a putrid stench arising from the unsavoury depths of – sorry, got a bit carried away there. But I think you get my point.
Along with our own nation, the entire world is already questioning your competence, your honesty, your intellectual capacity, and your mental state. Surely you will be anxious to avoid adding a total lack of integrity to the many, many, MANY reasons the global community thinks you unfit for office.
You have said that in the next election, you want to win “the old fashioned way”, and here is an unprecedented (or is it unpresidented?) opportunity to do just that. Now is the time to prove to everyone that you are indeed the People’s choice – a clean election without questionable votes, without the suppression of valid votes, and without the assistance of overseas “friends”.
I am confident you will welcome this chance to clear-up any misgivings the citizenry may have as to the legitimacy of your current occupation of the White House.
Yours truly,
NanceGreggs
P.S. As you can see, I did not c.c. Mr. Putin on this email, as I assume you will pass this information to him directly as per your usual practice. (FYI: While my source refuses to disclose the actual identities of these illegal voters, I am told that there are many Russian-sounding names on the list.)
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