D.C. Animal Control on the Alert
Dear Republicans:
It has been less than two weeks since your dog moved into the neighbourhood – and We the People have already had enough.
I realize that many badly-behaved dogs are the product of poor training, but this obnoxious animal seems to have had no previous training whatsoever. He regularly shits on the Constitution, chews-up the law, and refuses to stay off the WH furniture . In addition, I understand he is banned from certain international hotels due to his habit of pissing on their beds as a prerequisite to being able to mate.
Li’l Paws does not understand even the simplest instructions. He doesn’t sit, doesn’t stay, doesn’t lay down and – very obviously – doesn’t shut-the-fuck-up, despite the fact that his incessant barking accomplishes nothing other than demonstrating a need for constant attention.
Li’l Paws also shows signs of severe owner neglect. His orange-coloured fur is tangled and matted, and looks like it has been “arranged” to cover-up years of poor grooming. He is grossly over-weight, most likely as a result of a diet consisting of rotten ideas, bigoted notions, and pure bile.
Thus far, Li’l Paws has already snarled at the Pope, bitten countless immigrants, snapped at reporters – and continues to growl at anyone who approaches him without getting down on all fours and respectfully licking his ass.
And yet, despite the best efforts of professional ass-lickers like Kellyanne Conway, Li’l Paws’ behaviour continues to be a matter of grave concern. Saying “he’s actually a really good dog” is simply covering-up for a vicious animal that cannot control its own actions, nor be controlled by his excuse-making owners.
At this point, We the People are unsure who this mutt even belongs to. He has been seen being led around on a leash by someone named Steve Bannon, but seems to only respond to commands spoken in Russian. It has been noted that Li’l Paws drools when the name “Putin” is mentioned; in fact, it is the only time he happily wags his tail and shows any signs of being willing to obey verbal commands.
I don’t pretend to be a veterinarian, but one wonders if this mad dog has been tested for rabies. Even those who supported his position as First Pet are having second thoughts about his ability to guard our yard and challenge trespassers, as he seems incapable of distinguishing between those who pose a threat and those who legally and rightfully live in the area. Li’l Paws seems obsessed with prowling the WH grounds in some misguided effort to show that his yard is somehow more bigly than anyone else’s yard.
We the People hereby demand that Republicans, who installed this mangy mutt in our White House in the first place, put a muzzle on him and remove him from our premises. He is a threat to the peace of our neighbourhood, as well as the global community. Having witnessed the damage done to our country in a matter of days, we can only imagine how many shit-and-piss stains now soil the carpets in our house that will take decades to clean up.
Failure to remove this ill-bred animal will result in more protests, more anger, more decent pet-owners – who actually take responsibility for the training of their dogs – gathering together to demand that this vicious, snarling, and most-likely-rabid dog be dealt with.
You have now been warned – and you dismiss this warning at your own peril. Refusal to rid of us of this beyond-all-control mutt will likely lead to ALL Republican pets being banned from the People’s premises in future.
Think about THAT before you defend Cujo again. You are the most likely recipients of being bitten in the ass, and the reaction of those who watch it happen will be that you richly deserved it.
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