Nation Desperately Hopes Real Reason for Bannons Exit Will Not Involve Sex Tape

[madokie]

By Andy Borowitz April 5, 2017

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A broad majority of Americans do not believe that they have heard the real reason for Steve Bannon’s abrupt removal from the National Security Council but desperately hope that, when that reason ultimately emerges, it will not involve a sex tape.

The snapshot of a nation praying for Bannon’s exit to be explained by anything but a sex tape was captured by a poll taken late on Wednesday, in which more than ninety per cent of Americans expressed their anxiety about such an outcome.

When poll respondents were asked about the real reason for Bannon’s removal, forty-two per cent said that they hoped it would involve a financial scandal, thirty-one per cent said that they hoped it would somehow relate to Russia, and zero per cent said that they hoped for a sex tape.

The terror inspired by the thought of a Bannon-based sex tape cut across party lines, with Democrats calling the idea slightly more traumatizing than Republicans did.

Finally, when asked how they would react if Bannon’s sudden departure did, in fact, turn out to involve a sex tape, an overwhelming majority “strongly agreed” with the statement “Please, please, please, God, no.”


http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/nation-desperately-hopes-real-reason-for-bannons-exit-will-not-involve-sex-tape?mbid=nl_040517%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20(1)&CNDID=49553061&spMailingID=10766158&spUserID=MTkwMzY3ODcxNjc1S0&spJobID=1140400009&spReportId=MTE0MDQwMDAwOQS2

[58Sunliner]

1. LOL. Reports of mass hysteria and PTSD.

[Jonny Appleseed]

2. Y'all ready for this?

[uponit7771]

5. LOL... I bet that room smells like hot trash

[putitinD]

29. stale poppers and ass!

[sarge43]

33. Cheap cigarettes, rye whiskey, dirty underwear and breath

that would knock a buzzard off a honey wagon.

[uponit7771]

35. lol.... "and breath"

[IdiotsforPalin]

11. One more .....

cocktail away from rehab.....

[anneboleyn]

16. Ugh. That poor couch.

[Grassy Knoll]

17. He Looks Like My Friends Aunty

[NastyRiffraff]

26. No.

I was not ready. Now I can't unsee it!

[adigal]

31. There is not enough bleach in the world to clean that view from my eyeballs. nt

[spooky3]

3. Borowitz is brilliant.

[uponit7771]

4. Oh God !!! That would be terrorizing, a new level of torture

[NCjack]

6. If it does involve a sex-tape, I hope his partner

made Bannon brush his teeth, floss, brush again, and take a breath mint. (Borowitz throws another strike!)

[Solly Mack]

7. ew

[Chasstev365]

8. Walrus Sex?

[LW1977]

14. I'm already disgusted, don't need to bring John Bolton into it.

[Chasstev365]

15. He was into swinging, you know!

[Alice11111]

32. Bolton or Bannon?

Either way, the thought of either one and sex, is revolting.

[Rhiannon12866]

9. K&R! This is probably pretty accurate...

[sheshe2]

10. ...

[angrychair]

12. So....

What does cosplay look like in his house...

[Volaris]

19. The cast of Hunt for Red October.

[angrychair]

24. Lol

[tiptonic]

13. HUH

What the HUH! lol

[calimary]

18. Andy Borowitz!

[Marie Marie]

20. I don't know whether to laugh or puke..

Damn you Borowitz!

[mountain grammy]

21. I love Andy Borowitz.

He alone is worth the price of a subscription, then there's the rest. Great publication.

[47of74]

22. There isn't enough brain bleach, beer, and moonshine on Earth....

....to wash those mental images out of my mind.

[lunasun]

23. Drunk ass stinky furrie filmed in nesting debris for heightened sensations I imagine

[brewens]

25. I hate to tell you this but it is a sex tape and it's with Roger Ailes!

[BlancheSplanchnik]

34. 😱

[Gothmog]

27. I love good satire

[KittyWampus]

28. LOL! Bannon swinging with Roger Stone.

[underpants]

30. "Please, please, please, God, no.