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Tue May 30, 2017, 10:51 PM

Are you ready for...Tuesday Nite Madness?

Last edited Tue May 30, 2017, 11:31 PM - Edit history (1)

So, it was a relatively tame weekend, by 2017 standards. Oh sure, maybe down in Texas a few legislators threatened to shoot each other, and maybe th'Post published a disturbing exposť that revealed the intelligence community has to resort to tricks like filling our Idiot Manchild President's intelligence briefings with pornographic cartoons and scratch n' sniff stickers to get him to pay attention, but generally the madness rained down so lightly you'd scarcely even notice it...

Sharty McFly returned from his Big Boy overseas trip all proud of himself for not accidentally starting a world war, for which Reince Priebus rewarded him with a lollipop, even though he lacked the stamina to walk alongside the other G7 leaders and had to chug along behind them in a golf cart groaning under the sheer orange bloat of him. (UPDATE: the golf cart was euthanized.)

Yeah, it went perfectly, even though everyone was more or less laughing in his face, and Angela Merkel was all, "Fuck these Yankee lunatics, any nation that gets duped by a ruse as Michael-Bay-stupid as Pizzagate can't be trusted, I'm the leader of the free world now, bitches, and the leader of the free world says everybody has to eat bratwurst and wear lederhosen and any other stereotypical German things that can be drudged up for cheap laughs!" (Historians note that this is the paragraph where this post became "problematic."

Anyway, Team Shart is setting up a mega-rad WAR ROOM to fight back against all scandals that keep popping up because everyone is corrupt, evil, and incompetent. They're even talking about bringing back Season One cast member Corey Lewandowski, in case there are any lady reporters who need roughing up! Asking the clods who perpetrated the neverending shitshow these assclowns finds themselves floudering about it in strikes me as a bit like asking the Chicken from Moana to carve the Statue of David, but by all means...proceed. (484 anonymous sources tell me the war room will have laser tag, and a ball pit.)

Jared Kushner continues to find himself in deeper shit than he had ever imagined was possible. Nobody can even come up with a good lie to cover his Ernest Goes to the Kremlin ass, so he's finally facing down a problem Daddy's Checkbook can't solve. And if that doesn't bring a smile to your face, Resisters, I don't know what will.

Memorial Day gave us the unforgettable image of the Marmalade Shartcannon treating the national anthem at Arlington like a Fenway Park singalong of Sweet Caroline, as well as Ivanka encouraging all the plebes to make super-fun champagne popsicles, probably to take to the graves of their family members who died in the Middle East so that Rex Tillerson could sell oil rights to sanctioned banks. Champagne popsicles might not fill the enormous void left by the loss of a loved one, BUT THEY ALSO JUST MIGHT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY, RIGHT?

Oh hey, and Chuck Woolery turned out to be kind of a low-grade Nazi, who knew, but he's doing this weird thing on twitter where he's listing people who are Jewish? Which is maybe some fun new racist game show, I guess? Also, Chuck Woolery is apparently still alive?

Didja see that thing where Pumpkin Spice Goebbels decided he wanted a Coat of Arms so as to seem all European and fancy so he just stole some other family's Coat of Arms and slapped his flabby, tiny-fingered little name across it? FLASH POLL: Pathetic thing, or the MOST pathetic thing?

Shart House Communications Director Mike Dubke became the first rat to desert the sinking ship today, because somehow everyone else thinks there's some remote possibility that all this shit works out and they all get to sail away to the Grey Havens in three and a half years. One can only assume that Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer believe that Shane lives.

Anyhow, CNN, feeling insecure about being scooped by dying media like NYT and WaPo and Teen Vogue, broke the news that Vlad and Co. threw a little party to celebrate all the influence they'd have over the current administration what with all the oligarch debts and piss hooker videos and whatnot. Sean Spicer's ulcer celebrated by expanding through his entire chest cavity.

Faced with the Republican-controlled Senate's inability to pass health care or tax reform legislation under reconciliation rules, the Candycorn Skidmark demanded an end to the filibuster, because he is a stupid, stupid man who doesn't understand one fucking thing about his job. Sources say he will eventually push for bills to pass by a vote of Tom Cotton, two sock puppets on each of Tom Cotton's hands, and Ted Cruz in hat that says "Make America Great Again Also My Dad Killed Kennedy."

Senator/Faux Maverick John McCain went down to Australia and talked about how "unsettled" he was by Donald Trump. Back home in America, Senator Ben Sasse talked about the "anxiety" he feels about the leader of his party. These two men continue to stand, proud and defiant, condemning the President with utterly useless words, while voting for his agenda nearly 100% of the time, hoping none of their constituents ever figure out the difference between Actions and Words.

Sad Lackey/Pigfucker Devin Nunes told a group of GOP donors that the whole Russia investigation was FAKE GNUS, fake like that hot Russian model who hits on you on Match.com but asks for your credit card before you can get topless pics! Sure, a whole bunch of intelligence officials have testified to the contrary, but Devin really wants a white house job to fill the hours between the sporadic fucking of pigs he gets up to.

Meanwhile, Drumpf's personal lawyer Michael Cohen has denied requests to comply with congressional investigations, setting up the inevitable round of subpoenas. After having made a career from bullying clout-less small-time contractors on behalf of his scumfuck boss, it's particularly satisfying to watch this asshole squirm. Perhaps in the near future, he'll get the opportunity to drop his signature "Says Who?" catchphrase on the cell mate who remarks that He Sure Has a Purty Mouth.

Mike Flynn decided to turn over some of the documents that've been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence committee because he is today's CUCK OF THE DAY. When you hear the special CUCK OF THE DAY prompt (Which is a spittle-drenched gamergater screeching "CUUUUUUUCK" into his Xbox live headset), be the seventh caller to win a front row seat to protest alongside fellow besweatpantsed MRA losers at an all-female screening of WONDER WOMAN.

Oh, and then AP broke the gnus that Cheeto Broderick Crawford* has been giving world leaders his personal, unsecured cell phone number so that they can call him up to talk about how Arnold sucks at hosting the Apprentice and to swap state secrets while his buddies Sergei and Sergey listen in. And you find yourself wondering, "Who is dumber, the President of the United States of America, or Some Mike and Ikes That Melted Together Because You Left Them in the Car?" And you realize that you'd probably rather be governed by the Mike and Ikes if you had a choice.

There's more, of course, There's always more. We're probably about to exit the Paris Climate Agreement, and investigators are disappearing while investigating Ivanka's sweatshops in China, and Drumpf's twitter account is adding bots like Ultron, but there's only so much madness a fellah can handle before he starts chewing on his own toes like so much jerky, so let me leave you with the always-appropriate observation that...shit be cray, people...shit be cray.

*Fuck you. YOU try making up all these nicknames every fucking week.

46 replies, 13699 views

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Arrow 46 replies Author Time Post
Reply Are you ready for...Tuesday Nite Madness? (Original post)
TheFerret May 2017 OP
pangaia May 2017 #1
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #2
Leghorn21 May 2017 #3
central scrutinizer May 2017 #4
BigmanPigman May 2017 #5
irisblue May 2017 #6
Sophiegirl May 2017 #7
oasis May 2017 #8
Dark n Stormy Knight May 2017 #9
Initech May 2017 #10
jeffreyi May 2017 #11
SunSeeker May 2017 #13
Barack_America May 2017 #12
notdarkyet May 2017 #14
SunSeeker May 2017 #15
Lugnut May 2017 #16
Mountain Mule May 2017 #17
Hugin May 2017 #18
monmouth4 May 2017 #19
uponit7771 May 2017 #20
icymist May 2017 #21
brer cat May 2017 #22
Achilleaze May 2017 #23
voteearlyvoteoften May 2017 #24
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #25
sarge43 May 2017 #26
Pluvious May 2017 #27
Lifelong Protester May 2017 #28
Marthe48 May 2017 #29
niyad May 2017 #30
MontanaMama May 2017 #31
The Polack MSgt May 2017 #32
cate94 May 2017 #33
Pacifist Patriot May 2017 #34
malaise May 2017 #35
N_E_1 for Tennis May 2017 #36
TxDemChem May 2017 #37
TheFerret May 2017 #38
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #42
Underground-Panther May 2017 #39
uppityperson May 2017 #41
TexasTowelie Jun 2017 #43
flying rabbit May 2017 #40
ProfessorGAC Jun 2017 #44
iamateacher Jun 2017 #45
peacebuzzard Jun 2017 #46

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 10:59 PM

1. Omg another one.. i haven't recovered from your last one,:))))))))

Lets see... pick one.....ummmm.. ok
SWEEEEET CAROLIIIINE.......


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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 11:00 PM

2. Ah. There you are. I thought that Monday might trigger your excellent writing.

So here we are. Another stellar post!

Thank you.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 11:11 PM

3. This literally hurt me to read. And I cannot thank you enough, cuz it's a GOOD pain, The Ferret!!!


"had to chug along behind them in a golf cart groaning under the sheer orange bloat of him. (UPDATE: the golf cart was euthanized.)"

Cheeto Broderick Crawford*


*Fuck you. YOU try making up all these nicknames every fucking week.


("Cheeto Broderick Crawford" it is, my friend, from here on out, in your honor!)

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 11:15 PM

4. Another righteous rant!

Love it.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 11:22 PM

5. I wish you would apply to the fake prez for a position as speechwriter.

Maybe then I'd be able to watch him longer than 10 seconds.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 11:30 PM

6. KnR

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 11:32 PM

7. Kick

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Tue May 30, 2017, 11:47 PM

8. Great stuff, from beginning to end.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:06 AM

9. Yours are the most excellent of Pissolini Party police blotter pages available!

Thanks to you & Stephen Colbert, I'm pretty well informed and might be getting enough of "the best medicine" to keep from dying of Trumpitis.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:09 AM

10. "*Fuck you. YOU try making up all these nicknames every fucking week."

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:16 AM

11. Candycorn Skidmark!

A new classic for the ages!

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Response to jeffreyi (Reply #11)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:42 AM

13. Indeed. That alone was worth the read.

But the whole thing is a masterpiece, as always.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:25 AM

12. And, in the midst of chronicling another soul-ripping week, CUVFEFE happens...

...at which point one simply gives up and wanders into the woods to either make a home in a tree trunk with a weasel, or just get mercifully eaten by a bear.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:44 AM

14. I don't know how you do it. Genius.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:44 AM

15. Don't ever stop!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:57 AM

16. Outstanding!

K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 01:01 AM

17. A Tuesday night Covfefe for the Ferret!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 01:26 AM

18. Champagne Popsicles...

:blink: :blink:

That right there is a "let them eat cake" moment if I ever heard one, baby... But, I am no expert.

Anyhow, to you, TF.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 02:53 AM

19. Awesome writing, seriously. Wish this could go viral..n/t

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 03:08 AM

20. +1, "Who is dumber, the President of United States of America, or Some Mike and Ikes That Melted"

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 03:24 AM

21. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 03:44 AM

22. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 04:09 AM

23. All anyone can say is...

covfefe

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 06:13 AM

24. Heck yeh

Ferret out the truth.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 10:27 AM

25. Wednesday AM kick.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 11:31 AM

26. "UPDATE: The golf cart was euthanized."

You are a freaking genius, Ferret. A genius.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 12:15 PM

27. I rate this rant FIVE Covfefes !

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 01:13 PM

28. K & R

Glad that poor golf cart was euthanized!!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 01:14 PM

29. How about the diaper?

n/t

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 01:29 PM

30. k and r

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 03:07 PM

31. Bam! Nailed it

again TheFerret. Candy Corn Skidmark did me in. I must lie down now.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 03:08 PM

32. All the kicks. 97% of the recs

and a complementary "Can I kick it" vid



"The fat guy said to the skinny guy, you know when I look at you I get the feeling the world is starving. And the skinny guy replied yeah when I look at you I get the feeling it's you fault"

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 04:03 PM

33. K & R

Genius rant!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 04:51 PM

35. Another great rant

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 05:01 PM

36. Totally awesome TF

Hey great job on all the nicknames. You get the namer merit badge.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 06:17 PM

37. You did it again

I audibly laughed out loud. You may need to put your posts in book-form some day...thanks for the weekly rundown

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 07:08 PM

38. Thanks again, folks

...for all the kind words. Getting the blog together, took a big step forwards this week!

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Response to TheFerret (Reply #38)

Wed May 31, 2017, 10:34 PM

42. I'm sure the blog will be worth the wait!



And, BTW, we are not being kind. You are one superb writer and you bring laughter, recognition of your talent and relief that someone understands what's going the fuck on.

Again: Thank You.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 10:10 PM

39. Ferret Im actually a long time member here

Who lost my post count trying to get back on here. I have of course been lurking for the sake of what sanity I have left among all the covfefe throwing idiots out there. I wanted to say as may false 1st post that your madness posts made me shart myself in noisesome glee and snicker so wickedly as to scare the snoozy cat from my crotch.Sending my red tea flying all over the living room in a spray of panic from his hazy startle and leap, leaving a spinning 48 oz bottle spewed of tea on the coffee table reminesent of the old SNLspoof commercial called big red. I bow to you ferret . No greater smaller creature of creative wit like one sewer rat that will always find a soft spot in this fierce feline heart. Thank you.

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Response to Underground-Panther (Reply #39)

Wed May 31, 2017, 10:34 PM

41. Hey

Welcome back, it's covfefe for all.

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Response to Underground-Panther (Reply #39)

Thu Jun 1, 2017, 04:29 AM

43. Hello and welcome back.

Have you tried contacting the administrators directly by e-mail to see if you can get your prior account restored and you do not lose your prior posting history and post count? Their email addresses are available at the "Contact" hyperlink at the bottom of each Web page. They have been very helpful for a number of people that had similar issues.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 10:26 PM

40. Covfefe work my dude!

Brilliagkfe!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Jun 1, 2017, 06:41 AM

44. The Asterisk is Stellar!

Nice work, as usual.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Jun 1, 2017, 09:50 AM

45. Love it!

Thanks!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Jun 2, 2017, 09:12 PM

46. Kick....

Great stuff

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