The madness...holy shit, the madness...
Hey everybody! I'm sure you all enjoyed all the covfefe jokes, may they bring you comfort and cheer in these days of American decline!
Obviously the big news is the Marmalade Shartcannon withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement, because the Dunning-Kruger effect is REAL, y'all.
His speech had Steve Bannon's grubby little fingerprints all over it, and you have to appreciate Darth Wino's talent for manipulating his boss; that bit about the rest of the world laughing at us? That's Drumpf's emotional sweet spot. One of these days, Ivanka's gonna fail to break into some foreign market, and she'll lean down and whisper "They're laughing at you, Daddy," and everything'll get all Dr. Strangelove in about three minutes.
Anyway, he stumbled from lie to lie, to polite applause from an audience of vampiric old white dudes, impatient to return home for the day's life-giving transfusion of orphan blood. He started by offering condolences to his best bud Duterte for the terrorist attack in Manila that wasn't actually a terrorist attack, but we've all long since abandoned any expectations of honesty from this clown, so who even noticed? When he bragged about how well his non-existent tax bill was doing? Same thing. One of these days he's gonna find out about the Tooth Fairy, and on that day we are all in God's hands, friends.
Reactions were swift and mightily goddamn embarrassing for any American who was laboring under the illusion that they live in some sort of first world nation governed by thoughtful leaders elected by a not-at-all-batshit-crazy populace. France, Germany and Italy wasted no time whatsoever responding to Shartboy's proposal for new negotiations with a hearty "The Art of this Deal is Go Fuck Yourself." Elon Musk and Disney CEO Bob Iger left the President's advisory council in protest. Defiant Old Hippie/California Governor Jerry Brown is assembling a ragtag band of governors and mayors and also an elf and a dwarf so we can learn lessons about racial harmony, to implement the terms of the agreement anyway, at least in places that aren't governed by malicious twits who think science is the devil's plot because understanding things is bad, I guess. Even the fucking Weather Channel chimed in with a good sturdy troll.
Folks, when the Weather Channel is trolling your president, all possible sharks have been jumped.
Anyhow, it's probably not so bad. Not like our Idiot Manchild President just turned us into an international pariah, or voluntarily handed China and India the keys to the burgeoning multi-billion dollar clean energy technology market, or sent every nation on Earth the message that the United States is an unreliable partner that's never more than four years away from a rube-backed toddler tearing up decades of carefully-orchestrated diplomacy in a tantrum over the French President shaking his tiny hand too hard. OH WAIT.
This is just the kind of thing you have to expect when you elect the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's Understudy as your President. Apparently.
Meanwhile in Oklahoma, James Inhofe opened his freezer, took out the snowball he's lovingly preserved all these years, and finally fucked it into nonexistance, with tears of joy streaming down his face, as he has long planned.
Speaking of climate change, Michigan Congressdolt Tim Walberg says "Don'tchoo worry none, citizenfolk! If climate change is a real problem, then God'll take of it!" I say, if God thinks the rich are paying too much in taxes, let's leave cutting 'em to him.
Anyhow, what else is going on?
The Velveeta-Bloated Tick isn't going to let a silly thing like multiple investigations into his ties with Russia get in the way of acting like a Putin marionette, as he's apparently working to return a couple of spy compounds to Russia. "Y'know what'll take the heat off, Jared? Let's give Vlad his spy buildings back so he can spy on us better! I can't be expected to blab every piece of of classified intel the Boss wants in Oval Office meetings, shit, I can barely remember how to fucking walk!"
Dorito Mussolini broke with his predecessor's tradition in declining to note that today marked the beginning of LGBT Pride month, surprising no one except Log Cabin Republicans, surely the most confused organization in human history.
Oh, James Comey will be testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee on June 8th, won't that be fun? I get the feeling this'll be an unusually well-watched congressional hearing, sources tell me the Rolling Stones have been signed for the halftime show. I suspect this will prove challenging to Toupee Fiasco's assertion that the real story here is Unmasking.
Operation: Swamp Drain continues to go swimmingly, even if Boss Shart has granted waivers that allow his entire senior staff to continue dealings with any advocacy groups or media outlets they may have previously worked with, or, y'know, RUN coughcoughBreitbart. Oh, and he may've broken his ethics pledges by hiring a few lobbyists to work for him. Overseeing industries that they lobbied for. Don't worry, it's only like, 74 people.
So he breaks that promise. He breaks the promise to move the embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. But the one with the devastating consequences for the entire planet? I DRAW THE LINE THERE, AMERICA! WHEN DONALD TRUMP PROMISES A WASTELAND, HE GIVES THE PEOPLE A FUCKING WASTELAND.
Anyhow, word on the street is the Shart House is having trouble filling gigs like the freshly-vacated communications director post. I guess holding a jobs fair in an asylum that's burning to the ground while simultaneously sinking into a tar pit has its disadvantages. HUH.
And hey, it turns out Jared Kushner and Ol' Beauregard may've had yet ANOTHER meeting with Sergey Kislyak that seems to have slipped their minds on those pesky ol' federal disclosure forms. I tell you what, folks, that Kislyak fellah must have some wicked Jedi mind tricks that so many of these assclowns have forgotten so many of their encounters with him.
Oh, and Putin changed his tune a bit, suggesting, after months of denial, that yeah, maybe a Russian or two might've done a little bit of hacking in the American election. Not anybody who works directly for the state, and certainly not anybody who'll be alive come Monday, but you know those hackers and their hijinks! (Translation: he done got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.)
Yahoo broke the news (Good for you, Yahoo! Welcome to club, please report to Jake Tapper for hazing.) that Shart Administration officials, upon taking over the State Department, basically figured out how the coffee machine worked and then went right to work trying to repeal Russian sanctions because nobody makes Vlad wait for his money. If one were feeling less than charitable concerning the honor of folks like Kushner, Sessions, and Flynn, you could almost believe shit got worked out in advance. Maybe in, I don't know, some meeting they perjured themselves in refusing to disclose.
There's probably more, folks...but I'm all hopped up on cough syrup and despair for the future, so I'll have to sign off here...
= new reply since forum marked as read
Are you Rachel????
❤ 
"day's life-giving transfusion of orphan blood"
Velveeta-Bloated Tick - ( I love the capitalization!)
Priceless!!
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