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TheFerret

(626 posts)
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:14 AM Jul 2017

Shit Be Cray, Jr.

Well, usually there's been a fair amount of insanity by this point of a Monday evening, but Fox News tells me that all everybody's talking about is Smallhands Magoo picking up a hat the wind knocked off of a marine's head, so I guess there's nothin' worth writing about, huh?

We learned that the Shart's immigration platform was written in part by commentator/author/Ghost of Klan Rallies Past Ann Coulter, isn't that nifty? Coulter later compared the document she'd co-scripted to the Magna Carta, because keeping brown people out of the country really is that important when you're a white supremacist. In unrelated news, I plan on surfacing in the comments to this post, proclaiming it to be like If the Guitar Solo in Purple Rain Were a Political Satire Post.

We also learned that Steve Bannon has an oil painting of himself dressed as Napoleon. Normally, this is the point where I'd make a joke, but I think this one stands on its own.

Luther Strange, appointed to fill Jeff Sessions' Senate seat upon his darkly comical ascension to the top of the Justice Department, and facing a tough GOP primary challenge, decided to take the Al Franken route to political victory. Strange admonished his fellow Senators to "work as hard as President Trump is working." BWAAAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAH...I had no idea ol' Luther was such a cut up. I hear he has a Netflix special coming. It's like a Richard Spencer speech, but with dick jokes.

Speaking of the Justice Department, and I'm a little late on this, but there's a case down in Texas regarding your standard, Republican, massively-disenfranchising voter ID law. Under Obama, Justice was on the side of those challenging the law, but now that the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, is in charge, things've changed, and Justice stunned the world by striking their up-till-now-co-plaintiffs multiple times with a steel folding chair, leaving them writhing and bloodied on the courthouse floor before grabbing a mic and asking "WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN SESSIONSMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOOOOOOUUUUUUU????" and flexing before the bench for several minutes.

'Member how Il Douche came back from the G-20 summit with the brilliant idea to set up some sort of joint cyber-security task force with the, ahem, one nation on earth that's been consistently waging cyber attacks on the United States? Well, even after sending poor Steve Mnuchbag out on the shoz to defend this little stroke of genius, Drumpfy walked it back shortly after returning home from golf. My guess is Mad Dog Mattis whacked him in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and told him "No! We don't share classified intelligence with the Russians! BAD PRESIDENT," and then rubbed his nose in the turd Bannon drunkenly left outside the Oval.

From the realm of the legitimately enraging, the news from Colorado is that American citizens are demanding to be dropped from the voting rolls rather than have their private information turned over to the Pence/Kobach Traveling Voter Suppression Extravaganza and Medicine Show. Folks, don't do this. Especially since Kobach and co. had to send out a "yeah, actually hold off on sending that information that nobody wants to send us anyway, turns out we're being sued." (Also, donate to EPIC and the ACLU to support their lawsuits, okay?)

God, I don't even know where to begin with the fuckin' Comey thing. So, Fux and Frenz followed up on a Hill report that some of Comey's Famous Chocolate Chip Memos contained classified information. Now, Fux n' Palz claimed that Comey LEAKED classified info, which isn't what the Hill story said, and doesn't seem to be true (Some Comey memos contained classified info, but not the ones Comey leaked to HIS And Friends, ya follow?). Anyhow, because our Idiot Manchild President thinks everything he sees on Fox is God's Own Truth Carved in Stone, he tweets out that Comey is a Leaker who Leaks all the Leaks and has broken all kinds of laws, and that shit is so far form being true that even Fux has issued a retraction, but don't worry, about twelve million rubes have scribbled it into the back of their family Bibles by now, the irreproachable truth of the Book of Shart.

(If I got any of that wrong, it's because it's exhaustingly fucking stupid. Sorry/not sorry.)

The Russia sanctions bill, passed by a holy-shit-these-people-can't-even-agree-that-puppies-are-cute bipartisan majority in the Senate, continues to languish in the House. And of course, Shart House officials are putting pressure on the House GOP to water the sanctions down as much as possible, which is exactly what a normal executive branch does when dealing with a hostile foreign power that attacked the nation, just like when FDR gave the famous "Day That Will Live in Bar Trivia, Maybe, But Prolly Not" speech to a joint session of Congress on December 8th, 1941.

The concepts of "Lack of Surprise" and "Weary Disappointment" collided at full force today, with the release of a poll revealing that a significant majority of Republicans think that higher education, that fucking COLLEGE, is a BAD THING. Seems like only yesterday Jim Inhofe was smugly bustin' out a snowball on the floor of the Senate, trying to nutpunch Science; I'm sure he shed the tears of a proud parent seeing that poll. There might be an argument that the modern Republican Party is something more than a mob of enraged idiots whipped up into a perpetual fury by a deceptive media bubble at the bidding of an oligarch donor class for the sole purpose of providing the votes for tax cuts that never benefit the idiots who back them...but it can't be a very good argument.

Meanwhile, a couple of the rabid dingoes of the Freedom Caucus, Mark Meadows and Mo Brooks, are makin' noises about forcing a government shutdown over Shart-o the Clown's Big Stupid Border Wall. God bless these lunatics. They've already dragged the entire House GOP into voting for the least popular possible configuration of the Poor-Folk-Mulching Act, excuse me, "Republican Health Care Bill," which will likely never become law, and which will be like an anchor wrapped around box of larger anchors come the midterms, but now they want to lead a shutdown if they don't get funding for the wall that the American people don't fucking want. Proceed, Jagoffs.

Oh, and Chris Christie, having chased himself out of politics through his petty, vindictive criminality, took a potential new career as a radio host for a test drive this afternoon. If Chris' destiny is to spend the rest of his life sitting in a chair, yelling at strangers who call in to hurl insults at him all day long...well, I think that'd make Dante chuckle.

Did I miss anything? Nah, I'm pretty sure that's about everyth-

Wait, what's this about Lil' Donnie Jr? Seems he had himself quite a festive lil' weekend!

Sooooo...like a cat with an unusually stupid mouse, the Failing New York Times backed Shart Jr into a corner, and has been fucking with him for their own amusement since Saturday.

First, story was, Junior met with a Russian lawyer connected with the Kremlin. Brought Manafort and Jar-Jar along. Everybody forgot/lied about it for months. Pretty suspicious. But the story they spun was "Oh, it was about orphans, no biggie."

Alright.

Sunday. NYT tells us, "Oh hey, that meeting? Turns out Junior went into it because he was told there'd be Russians there who had some nasty nasty dirt on a certain Hilldawg." Oooooooo. MUCH more suspicious.

And the spin gets a little lamer..."Well...maybe I went to the meeting looking for dirt on HRC from a foreign agent, but I didn't get any, IT'S NOT COLLUSION IF YOU DON'T SUCCEED AT COLLUDING, RIGHT?"

And then tonight, NYT's batting their eyes, all coquettish and shit, and suddenly they let us know that Junior was sent an email saying "This is literally the Russian Government trying to help your dad become President because Hillary Clinton is tough as nails and thinking about her running America makes Putin curl up in the fetal position and cry himself to sleep."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's collusion with a foreign government. And the Shart House can't muster a denial, just a weak-ass statement that somehow the candidate didn't find out about any of this, even though it was a meeting attended by his campaign manager, his son-in-law, and his eldest fucking son, until he read about it...

...on the homepage of the Failing New York Times.

Now, the source for all this shit, according to NYT, is fucking currently-serving White House officials, so God only knows what the fuck is going on here. Is Jared trying to cover his own ass? Is Stephen Miller trying to get adopted by the God Emperor? Is this Eric's big play to finally get his own bedroom?

Anyhow, Kid Shart finally lawyered up. Hired...a mob lawyer, because you want an experienced professional when you're about to go on trial for treason.

I don't fucking know, folks, what I DO know is...

SHIT BE CRAY.

But yeah, everybody's talking about a hat.

Y'ask me, this is all a big ruse to distract from the fact that it's apparently now impossible to be a gluten-free Catholic. WHAT THE FUCK, THE POPE?

PS...wait, what? A late-breaking story says Jar-Jar and Darth Wino reached out to the Blackwater Jag (Betsy DeVos' brother, don'tcha know) to come up with an alternate strategy for Afghanistan? Are you fucking shitting me? I am getting too old for this shit.

64 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Shit Be Cray, Jr. (Original Post) TheFerret Jul 2017 OP
It's increasingly hard to wrap my head around being an American right now. Barack_America Jul 2017 #1
At least we're number ONE!1 in weirdness flamingdem Jul 2017 #3
We'll be skyrocketing up the corruption charts this year, for sure. Barack_America Jul 2017 #6
America is becoming the world's Florida. Thanks republicans! Initech Jul 2017 #64
I know, cilla4progress Jul 2017 #10
TheFerret....Let me count the ways I love thee.. HipChick Jul 2017 #2
Can't count that high. calimary Jul 2017 #58
Shit be cray on crack, TF!! Lordy, how great to see you! - saving you for morning read over Leghorn21 Jul 2017 #4
Well. I was just about to call it a day and go to bed...............when I spotted Your Name. CaliforniaPeggy Jul 2017 #5
And now my day is complete, TF!!! Docreed2003 Jul 2017 #7
Oh dear Ferret... MontanaMama Jul 2017 #8
F this S I'm out Motownman78 Jul 2017 #9
Thanks again for helping to keep us sane by exposing the absurdity of today's USA. n/t pnwmom Jul 2017 #11
Okay, I thought you were shitting me about Bannon's oil painting. PatrickforO Jul 2017 #12
Is that for reals?!?!! n/t Control-Z Jul 2017 #18
He looks like he's going to a Halloween party...dumb ass!! onecent Jul 2017 #31
I'm from CO and have emailed my protest to the Republican Sec'y of State, and PatrickforO Jul 2017 #13
K&R n/t Lugnut Jul 2017 #14
"Is this Eric's big play gldstwmn Jul 2017 #15
yes - that one killed me too! KT2000 Jul 2017 #17
Me three... Zoonart Jul 2017 #30
I was just about to post this, but glad I searched first. I was RAPT reading this masterpiece, Grown2Hate Jul 2017 #56
K&R. nt tblue37 Jul 2017 #16
I haven't heard half of this stuff lol but you may have burried the headline grantcart Jul 2017 #19
I picture him more as Sonny, lol ProfessorPlum Jul 2017 #35
The Trump family and senior campaign don't see him as bright enough to be a Sonny grantcart Jul 2017 #38
that's hilarious ProfessorPlum Jul 2017 #40
You think that's funny Fredo just released the incriminating emails so that grantcart Jul 2017 #41
Jesus ProfessorPlum Jul 2017 #43
This post be like... iamateacher Jul 2017 #20
"IT'S NOT COLLUSION IF YOU DON'T SUCCEED AT COLLUDING.... oasis Jul 2017 #21
Priceless! Please teach El Trumpo about using descriptives. livetohike Jul 2017 #22
"...Steve Bannon has an oil painting of himself dressed as Napoleon." Raster Jul 2017 #23
This message was self-deleted by its author Pacifist Patriot Jul 2017 #24
Yep. That nailed it! PelicanScot_V3 Jul 2017 #29
LOL. And why do they need dirt on Hillary now? treestar Jul 2017 #25
I never thought I'd start uttering the phrase "shit be cray." Vinca Jul 2017 #26
Me either! And I find myself using it several times a day. PelicanScot_V3 Jul 2017 #28
It's a survival mantra. Pacifist Patriot Jul 2017 #32
His own bedroom. I. CAN'T. BREATHE! PelicanScot_V3 Jul 2017 #27
That was my favorite line! colorado_ufo Jul 2017 #59
You treat them with far more grace than I could ever muster. Funny as always. BSdetect Jul 2017 #33
Thank you Bettie Jul 2017 #34
Morning Ferret kick! Or, "morning, Ferret!" annnd kick! A hot cuppa java and some really cool Leghorn21 Jul 2017 #36
Love this post!!! made me laugh VaBchTgerLily Jul 2017 #37
Great way to start the day. . Permanut Jul 2017 #39
Oh, thank you, Ferret! cp Jul 2017 #42
k&r BSdetect Jul 2017 #44
Ferret: you need to publish a book. mac56 Jul 2017 #45
He certainly does! CaliforniaPeggy Jul 2017 #46
Absolutely. dalton99a Jul 2017 #47
I can hear Hillary's cackle in the background lunatica Jul 2017 #48
I sometimes like to entertain the idea that Hillary IS The Ferret flibbitygiblets Jul 2017 #57
TheFerret's in the house, and its property value soars. VOX Jul 2017 #49
I have never seen the like. BobTheSubgenius Jul 2017 #50
Wow just wow Lotusflower70 Jul 2017 #51
Karma attacks Ann every morning colorado_ufo Jul 2017 #60
An excellent report on the Fate of the Onion. RainCaster Jul 2017 #52
Making Dante chuckle...so fantastic, nt stopwastingmymoney Jul 2017 #53
"Poor-Folk-Mulching Act" as long as I can skip the wood chipper portion of the "care" plan, I'm good littlemissmartypants Jul 2017 #54
K&R Gothmog Jul 2017 #55
K&R blue-wave Jul 2017 #61
I lurves it! Hugin Jul 2017 #62
Thanks for the laugh. cate94 Jul 2017 #63

Barack_America

(28,876 posts)
1. It's increasingly hard to wrap my head around being an American right now.
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:17 AM
Jul 2017

I literally cannot believe the shit I'm witnessing.

Someday maybe I'll look back on it with appreciation for having "been there", but it's not a happy time at the moment.

Barack_America

(28,876 posts)
6. We'll be skyrocketing up the corruption charts this year, for sure.
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:30 AM
Jul 2017

I'd have to say top prize is becoming a real possibility.

cilla4progress

(24,588 posts)
10. I know,
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:35 AM
Jul 2017

I know, I thought for the first time tonight really seriously, about getting a prescription.

Ferret is AMAZing!

calimary

(80,699 posts)
58. Can't count that high.
Wed Jul 12, 2017, 05:52 PM
Jul 2017

I know. I've already been trying!

LOVE TheFerret! He's as juicy a read as The Rude Pundit!

Leghorn21

(13,520 posts)
4. Shit be cray on crack, TF!! Lordy, how great to see you! - saving you for morning read over
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:28 AM
Jul 2017

a cuppa joe, but meanwhile - yay YOU!!

CaliforniaPeggy

(149,297 posts)
5. Well. I was just about to call it a day and go to bed...............when I spotted Your Name.
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:29 AM
Jul 2017

Some posts I will stay up for.

Yours is one.

I've been giving money to the ACLU monthly now for some time, even though it's not tax deductible. Some things are just too damn important, and they are one of those.

GREAT post, as usual.

Thank You.

MontanaMama

(23,238 posts)
8. Oh dear Ferret...
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:34 AM
Jul 2017

You can always make me laugh just when I thought I couldn't possibly face one more moment of this epic shit show.

PatrickforO

(14,516 posts)
12. Okay, I thought you were shitting me about Bannon's oil painting.
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 12:59 AM
Jul 2017

LMAO.

Here's a pic of Steve in all his glory:



PatrickforO

(14,516 posts)
13. I'm from CO and have emailed my protest to the Republican Sec'y of State, and
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 01:04 AM
Jul 2017

I've also written and called the Governor's office on the voter information request issue.

We should all do this.

The federal government, no matter who is in charge, has NO BUSINESS requesting voter information from states. No way.

Grown2Hate

(2,005 posts)
56. I was just about to post this, but glad I searched first. I was RAPT reading this masterpiece,
Wed Jul 12, 2017, 01:45 AM
Jul 2017

but I just LOST it at that line. SO well done! POINTS!

grantcart

(53,061 posts)
19. I haven't heard half of this stuff lol but you may have burried the headline
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 03:33 AM
Jul 2017

Five, count them five different WH sources named Fredo as the culprit and made him walk the plank but everyone was surprised that he took a running leap into the shark infested waters.

Why?

Jared was at the meeting and would have handled the discussion. My guess is that there are too many anchors tied to Jared's feet so they handed this one to Jr.

I am sure that they promised him a pardon, in fact I am guessing that Trump Jr already has an undated pardon in his attorney's safe.

grantcart

(53,061 posts)
41. You think that's funny Fredo just released the incriminating emails so that
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 11:39 AM
Jul 2017

Jared and Manefort have to testify why they didn't disclose this meeting

Fredo doesn't have to disclose, hes not in the government.

I am guessing that Fredo already has an undated pardon in his attorney's safe.

iamateacher

(1,088 posts)
20. This post be like...
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 04:15 AM
Jul 2017

If the Guitar Solo in Purple Rain Were a Political Satire Post. Truer words never written.
Thanks for helping me to keep my sanity!

livetohike

(22,084 posts)
22. Priceless! Please teach El Trumpo about using descriptives.
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 06:31 AM
Jul 2017

It would make life so much funnier. Love this

Raster

(20,996 posts)
23. "...Steve Bannon has an oil painting of himself dressed as Napoleon."
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 07:53 AM
Jul 2017

That pretty much says all we need to know.

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Vinca

(50,170 posts)
26. I never thought I'd start uttering the phrase "shit be cray."
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 08:14 AM
Jul 2017
Another entertaining piece of writing. Thanks, Ferret.

Leghorn21

(13,520 posts)
36. Morning Ferret kick! Or, "morning, Ferret!" annnd kick! A hot cuppa java and some really cool
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 10:38 AM
Jul 2017

Ferret...yah, off to a good start here!

Many thanks!!

cp

(6,543 posts)
42. Oh, thank you, Ferret!
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 11:39 AM
Jul 2017

One of your very best, and that's saying something.
......"like a cat with an unusually stupid mouse"......it's the visual imagery along with the BEST descriptors of our Blight-in-chef and his moblings.
Such tonic in dark times, thank you!

VOX

(22,976 posts)
49. TheFerret's in the house, and its property value soars.
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 08:03 PM
Jul 2017

Thanks mightily for making the unbearable bearable. As always.

BobTheSubgenius

(11,535 posts)
50. I have never seen the like.
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 09:17 PM
Jul 2017

Seriously and no foolin'. I have never seen a poster catch fire like this on any forum I have ever been to, and I've been to a lot in the last 20-odd years. Not even close.

58 posts and already a legend.

Lotusflower70

(3,077 posts)
51. Wow just wow
Tue Jul 11, 2017, 09:39 PM
Jul 2017

Lol. These are some crazy fucked up times. The bit about Ann Coulter comparing the immigration platform to the Magna Carta made me want to smack her upside the head. Of course there is always a reason for that when she speaks but yeah that was ridiculous. Thanks again for the post.

littlemissmartypants

(22,418 posts)
54. "Poor-Folk-Mulching Act" as long as I can skip the wood chipper portion of the "care" plan, I'm good
Wed Jul 12, 2017, 01:05 AM
Jul 2017

Thank you. Where do I monetize my support for you? You really need a blog and a pay pal account. This is the most reliable news I've read, EVER. And Hilarious!!

Keep the faith. You may have found your calling.

♡lmsp

Hugin

(32,778 posts)
62. I lurves it!
Thu Jul 13, 2017, 02:03 AM
Jul 2017

True, I've seen this classic and oh-so prescient TF post bopped about GD like a beach-ball at a bubble-gum pop concert since Sunday night, but, in an incredible show of willpower, I haven't replied until now because I literally had nothing to say which wouldn't be super ironic.

Friends don't let friends be ironic.

Great work, TF. And keep them coming... Especially, now that we're learning The Godfather Family Robinson is running our once Sovereign Nation.

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