Monday Nite Madness Update
Well, I tell ya folks...six months into the daily debacle that is the Shart Regime, I must admit...I'm getting tired.
...TIRED OF WINNING! Just as I was getting home tonight, I saw that Mike "A Human Being Who Allegedly Enjoys Spending Time With Ted Cruz" Lee and Jerry "Mad With Power Now That People Have Noticed He's a Senator" Moran decided to torpedo the Rube Goldberg Murder Machine known as the Senate GOP Health Care Bill. (I know that's not what it's really called, fuck you, I'm drinking.)
Things already looked grim for Yertle's master-plan-to-make-sure-poor-people-never-get-to-meet-their-grandchildren, as John McCain needed to step away from the Senate for a week in order to recover from a medical procedure paid for by taxpayers, and thus would be unable to cast a vote stripping access to similarly lifesaving treatments from millions of his fellow citizens. I'm told this is humorously ironic, at least to those people who wouldn't die if McCain got the bill he wanted.
Meanwhile, Ron Johnson noticed that McConnell was promising one thing to conservatives and another, and may've even begun noticing that Mitch has absolutely zero respect for him whatsoever and expects him to shut his dumb tea party face and vote the party line. And that was a story for about ten minutes, until Mike n' Jerry popped up.
Anyhow:
Ding Dong, the bill is dead!
Which old bill?
The Murder bill!
DING DONG THE MURDER BILL IS DEAAAAAAAD.
(As a fun side note, this means dozens of GOP Representatives are on the record voting for their own shitty bill, with its 17% approval, and now they get to face their districts next fall, without even getting a bill signed into law. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAAAH. WINNING!)
Mitch now wants to bring up the House bill alongside a straight ACA repeal with a two year delay. This is likely to fail, allowing Mitch to finally move on to his true passion, recording a series of Yacht Rock covers of Jimi Hendrix songs. Excuse me, I meant "massive tax cuts for the wealthy."
Anyhow. This looks likely to fail, but let's get on the phones one more time and drive a stake through this fucker's heart, shall we?
Moving on, President Fat Q*Bert is actually rolling in victories these days! For example, a judge ruled (in response to a CREW lawsuit, if you're looking for a new organization to donate to) he must release visitor logs down at Marm-a-Lago, so we'll get to learn who his golf buddies are! Winning!
And if it's winning you're after, look no further than the polling! Why, just this weekend, Orange Julius Caesar won the prestigious Good Golly Miss Molly, Do We Ever Fucking Hate You Award, earning the lowest 6-month approval ratings in 70 years of polling. Because of his superior intellect, the President used his Twitter account to draw everyone's attention to the poll that said Seriously, We'd Rather All Have Mouth Herpes Than Have You as Our President, You Shart, You.
Further winning was achieved with the rollout of Made in America Week! Every media outlet on the planet gleefully reminded their audience how the entire Shart family makes their money off products that...waaaaaaaait for it...AREN'T MADE IN AMERICA! I look forward to Respect For Women Week, Keeping White Nationalists Out of Federal Government Week, and How to Look Sexy in White Golf Pants Week.
(Joking aside, SHARTUS actually earned his biggest win in months at the Made in America ceremony today...when he got to play in a fire truck! They let him sit behind the wheel n' everything! He prolly got ice cream after!)
Shit, Dorito Mussolini is winning so hard he's afraid to travel to England unless the Prime Minister can promise he'll get favorable press coverage there. In related news, I refuse to visit the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame until they induct me.
Meanwhile, this morning Politico told us that the Marmalade Shartcannon continues to seethe at Arizona Republican Senator Jeff Flake, for all the mean-if-true things Flake said about him during the campaign. Word is, he's meeting with potential primary challengers, and even offering to put up millions of his own money to fund them (though, as various charities will tell you, don't write that money on your ledger in ink), because when you fail to pass a single piece of significant legislation in your fix six months in office, what's really important is filleting members of your own party.
If the GOP rank-and-file wanted in on some of that sweet winning action, they weren't disappointed! Turns out, the hard-earned money they sent Ol' Scrotumheart to make America great will instead be used to pay his idiot son's mushrooming legal fees.
He promised to work for you, and he's literally got YOU working for HIM. Nice work, O Ye of What I Am Repeatedly Told is Economic Anxiety.
(Hey Rubes, if you've got any extra cash burnin' a hole in your pocket, word is Probable Traitor Mike Flynn is setting up a fund for his own Holy-Shit-Am-I-Fucked legal defense. The first fifty donors to his kickstarter get to attend a dinner with his whackjob son, who will splatter you with saliva while raving about Pizzagate.)
And speaking of the Drone Army, it turns out only 45% of Drumpf voters believe that Shart, Jr. had a meeting with th'Russians...and this is after the dumb fuck not only admitted to the meeting but spent a week talking about nothing the meeting all day every day. After the whole fucking world spent the week talking about the meeting that everyone, even the administration, OBJECTIVELY AGREES TOOK PLACE.
I think I'm going into polling, just so I can sit down with these dipshits, and gape in horror as I uncover their beliefs. Expect results like: 41% of Drumpf voters are nunwilling to admit that horses exist, or, only 22% of Drumpkins believe that Lucky Charms are Magically Delicious, despite decades of scientific consensus.
Over the weekend, Scrotal Lawyer Jay Sekulow continued his policy of Making Ridiculous Shit Up in the Wild Hopes That Somebody, Somewhere Will Believe Him, saying "Hey, if Junior was treasoning so hard, why did the Secret Service let all those spies into the meeting, HUH?" The Secret Service, oddly less than eager to be implicated in a foreign power's assault on American democracy, wasted no time in saying "Look, Fuck-O, Junior wasn't under our protection and anyway it's our job to protect these assholes, not to babysit them."
By the way, Jay, if you want to make an enemy of the organization that has eyes and ears in all the rooms where your boy has been throwing tantrums and obstructing justice...I encourage you to proceed.
Kellyanne Conway took to the Sunday Shoz to praise her Bloat of a boss, for intervening to allow that Afghan girls' robotics team into the country, even though it was his own hateful, fear-mongering, travel ban that blocked their entrance in the first place. It's like she's playing a little game, trying to see just how much ridiculous shit she can say on teevee without being involuntarily committed.
As amusing as it's been watching this flock of rectums trip over themselves today, we must acknowledge that Team Shart continues to do serious damage to our great American experiment. Word is, Rex Tillerson wants to do away with State's war crimes office, cuz hey, as long as we're abdicating moral authority, what're a few genocides between trade partners, amiright?
Oh, and I guess President Not-at-All-a-Russian-Agent is about to give Uncle Vlad his spy compounds back so he can get back to spying on us from the spy compounds we're about to let him own and operate on American soil. Yay.
Anyway...shit remains absolutely nucking futz. And if it's too much to handle, I recommend you take a few deep breaths, maybe pour a glass of wine...and spend the rest of your day laughing at Ann Coulter over her ongoing air travel meltdown. It's Chicken Soup for the Resistor's Soul.
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And great it is, as always.
Thank You.
("TheFerret: always a good reason for to wake up once again!"
Have one, or many, on me.
Last edited Tue Jul 18, 2017, 04:01 PM - Edit history (4)
Collapse of my irony avoidance scheme with the announcement of Sen John "Relaxed Fit" McCain's minor-almost-not-worth-mention BRAIN SURGERY on the same weekend as George "Father of all the zombies... Evah!" Romero passed into the great hereafter.
(Aside: If this event turns out to be the beginning of the end of the great sexist, racist, and classist health-care repeal, along with one of the most spectacular displays of passive/aggression by anyone anywhere in history. I owe you one, McCain.)
Well... After I caught my breath upon soaking in the totes cray of it all and doing what many more-in-touch-with-gaia cultures do when confronted with an extreme (and lacking the word very), I added another second repeat of cray... Making what we are witnessing officially "cray cray".
So, I've decided to turn my cray cray reconciliation (hee, did'ja see what I did there?) efforts to research in an attempt to embrace and extinguish it.
Thanks again for tracking this. And, keep up the great work! 
If this were only a video game. Although I do kind of feel like I'm stuck in an alternate universe with no way out. But as there is now a female Doctor, maybe there is hope after all.
"Good Golly Miss Molly, Do We Ever Fucking Hate You Award.....Seriously, We'd Rather All Have Mouth Herpes Than Have You as Our President, You Shart, You."
